Welcome back! For those of you who know me, you know that I love reality television. And I love writing a column on reality TV where all I get to do is sit around and bitch about it. It’s awesome. So for this audience, you may be used to my regular Survivor column, and I am pleased to tell you that I will be reporting weekly on the phenomenon known as Big Brother All Stars.

However, it dawned on me that I may be preaching to a new choir of minions. In other words, you may not like Survivor, so you avoid my regular columns. But because I’ll be talking for the next couple months, my audience is booming. So for those of you who are newbies to my column: Hello, my name is Dora Malone, and I own the Northern Hemisphere, which is probably where you live.

Now we have some business to discuss. I’ll be here every week for the rest of the season, reporting on the week’s events. As you’ve come to expect, there will be juiciness and analysis, all finished with a classic Rundown. It’s quite enjoyable, really. Give it a try.


Julie Chen (Chenbot as the e-world calls her. I need an Official Dora Malone (TM) nickname for her, so feel free to suggest one) welcomes us to the season, and I began to clap. She introduces the men and the women.

The men:
George, BB1
Mike Boogie BB2
Bunky, BB2
Will, BB2
Marcellas BB3
Michael Cowboy BB5
Jase, BB5
Kaysar, BB6
James, BB6
Howie, BB6

The women:
Monica, BB2
Danielle, BB3
Lisa, BB3
Dana, BB4
Erika, BB4
Alison, BB4
Nakomis, BB5
Diane, BB5
Janelle, BB6
Ivette, BB6

The people who actually make it into the house are (* indicates one of the top four vote getters of that gender):

George, BB1
Mike, BB2
Will, BB2
Marcellas, BB3
Danielle, BB3
* Erika, BB4
Alison, BB4
* Jase, BB5
* Nakomis, BB5
* Diane, BB5
* James, BB6
* Kaysar, BB6
* Howie, BB6
* Janelle, BB6

No surprise that America dumped Cowboy Michael, Dana, or Bunky, in addition to the Friendship’s poster child Ivette (who renounced her Friendship in a failed attempt to get back on this season). Sadly, Monica too was no surprise (although very well liked, she didn’t have the support to get back on). I was shocked that Lisa was omitted from the list. I am relieved knowing that there’s only three kill-for-their-good-looks girls in the cast, and Lisa would have put it over the top.

I was a little surprised to see Nakomis among the top four. Same for James, only because I never expected the good BB6-ers to sweep it so handily. I knew CBS would not leave it all up to the fans, because they would have to even out the cast with different races and genders and ages. So George I expected to see, along with Danielle. Mike Boogie I thought had no chance, but probably a good choice. We shall see.

As always the house does not cease to amaze me. It’s designed brilliantly, and the art team should be immensely proud of themselves. Word to the wise: pay attention to the details of the house, because they will come up in many HOH competitions to come. Get an ally and quiz each other. It’s like high school study buddies all over again!

And for the HOH competition, as usual, it was … stupid. I did like the two HOHs idea. By the way, I know the plural form is Heads of Household, but it’s easier to type HOHs. I’m not sure if it will be a permanent fixture, or a one time deal. I love the twist that if they can’t agree, they both go up. I hope the two HOHs is a thing to last, because I am so excited to see the controversy it will bring in upcoming weeks.

Okay, without further ado, it’s time to analyze each person. It’s so much easier to judge someone when you have an idea of their game play. So let’s delve into this further.

George (BB1). I knew CBS wanted one person from each season, so George was a shoe-in as far as I’m concerned. George is the only player not to play the game in the current format. There was very little strategy back then, so he enters All Stars a relative virgin. He is a very animated, fun person to be around, so expect people to come to him, and not vice versa. I have a feeling that his inexperience will be great for him; people will want to get rid of bigger threats first, and by that time, he may ingratiated himself enough to be a power player. Hell, Amber Brkich was a longshot to win Survivor All Stars.

Mike Boogie (BB2). He is the one I’m most surprised. I was puzzled that he even got nominated for the cast, let alone that he got on. Although when I stop and think about it, it makes sense. No one has milked his time on Big Brother more than this man. He’s a true businessman, making his “fame” a business venture. Good for him. As for the game, he’s got a powerful ally in Will, but it only takes one week for that to change and the whole game is upside down for him.

Will (BB2). The only past winner on the cast, and as far as I’m concerned, the only winner that deserves to be on the cast. And if you ask me, I think that Will is the best Big Brother player the game has ever seen. Everyone in the house knows this, and SHOULD be gunning for him. He’s cocky as ever, but, hell, that helped him last time. I don’t exactly know his strategy at this point. But if anyone can pull something magical out of his ass, it’s Will. Expect him to finish anywhere from first booted to first place. In other words, I have no clue how it will turn out for him.

Marcellas (BB3). Here’s another person who can dig himself out of sticky situations. Let’s hope if he repeats it, he’ll actually use the Power of Veto on himself. Dear god, I’m still coming to terms with the stupidity of that move. But whatever. Marcellas is a genuine, funny guy. He can be valuable to his allies. But he may be emotionally unstable, which is not what you want to see in an ally.

Danielle (BB3). The bitch is back! I first want to say that Danielle is a good player. But god, is she one cocky bitch. I was so pissed to see her make the cast because I know she’s going to pretend she’s all that. How awesome of Janelle and Jase to nominate her and knock her down a peg or two. She has no allies (thus little to no threat), yet the first target. You tell me who likes who.

Erika (BB4). I like her. Erika played a great game in season four, and it was very simple. She’s such a decent person, that people would be dumb to pass on her. She’s smart, but not overly smart. Expect Erika to keep her mouth shut when she needs to, and take sides when she needs to. She should do just fine.

Alison (BB4). I LOVED Alison on her season. I was so mad that the jury was so mean (By the way, the meanest jury, but best to watch. They were so mean to Ali and Jun that ever since, the jury has not been allowed back in for the finale. That’s good TV right there). Unfortunately, Ali got a bad name for her great gameplay. She can work some magic, but I think people are just not going to want to trust her.

Jase (BB5). Jase just HAD to be on the cast, no matter what. Jase has a huge advantage going into this game, and it’s the fact that he placed worse than anyone else. So his placement will not be an issue. He’s slippery and deceitful and athletic, yet with bigger fish to fry, he may be able to pass by until they’re all gone. How he does it I’m not sure.

Nakomis (BB5). I totally forgot how much Nakomis (Nick) and Jase loved each other. In case you forgot, Nick was an outcast her season, and engineered the first ever backdoor maneuver, which is not sexual. Backdooring is when you put two people up as pawns, rig the veto competition, use said veto, and put up someone else, with full intent to vote the replacement nominee out. Well Nakomis did this to Jase, and he had nothing but love and respect for this kind of move. If Nakomis can keep her mouth shut at times (can she?), expect her to make friends and succeed. Jase loves her and trusts her totally, so all she needs is some more to make it official.

Diane (BB5). Who didn’t see the hottie coming back on? The biggest issue about Diane is whether or not she will let a boy ruin her game. She says no, but I have a feeling it may be an act. Right now, she’s not a major threat, so expect her to be influential in upcoming weeks.

James (BB6). The King of Veto. While not a huge fan of James, I respect him as a player. However, both he and Kaysar are smart mastermind type players, so they may both be targets soon. While James can wiggle his way out via vetoes, don’t expect it to last too long. The cast from season six is a huge target now (not just for numbers, but because they all were close), so any one of them may go soon.

Kaysar (BB6). Kaysar, Howie and Janelle were my favorite players from last season. And as much as I loved them, I did not want all three of them back, for fear of others ganging up on them. So while Kaysar is back and I’m happy about it, I’m worried his presence may hurt the others. I truly hope this season isn’t a big effort by the house to oust the BB6-ers, because that could turn out boring. Anyway, we all know Kaysar is wickedly evilly smart, so expect him to turn things around quickly if he can get into power.

Howie (BB6). The Jedi is back! Have you seen his occupation, as listed on the CBS website? He’s a light saber salesman! And he’s still wicked cute. I hope he’s the star of the show once again. I can’t wait to see him explode on Diane or Alison later in the season (instead of Busto’s hooters, make fun of Ali’s busted nose!). This has potential to be something good. He’s the smallest threat of the four from his season, so he might be the last to go if the others pick them off.

Janelle (BB6). My favorite player ever! Janey is a bitch, and proud of it. And she’s HOH too! Janelle’s got a target on her back no matter what, so she might as well live it up. She can kick ass regardless, and get far into this game. Let’s hope she doesn’t become a victim because of her show. If you’re a victim, let it be because you’re a threat, not because of where you came from. Don’t forget, BB5 has three players, which can cause just as much damage.

So without further ado, time for The Rundown. For those of you new to Brain Spill, The Rundown ranks each player’s likelihood of winning, relative to everyone else. This is sort of a forecasting Rundown, given what little we know about the show thus far.

14- Danielle. People are on to her. And they don’t like what they see. Nor do I (again). Please go home.

13- Will. Okay, Will can do some magic, and for now he seems to be okay. Don’t expect it to last for too long. However, as I said (or at least thought), if anyone can constantly pull himself out of stick situations, it’s Will, so he’s not by any means.

12- Kaysar. Too smart for this game. Expect him to stir things up. But I think people will be gunning for him as soon as they can. His saving grace is that with so many BB6-ers, the odds of one of them winning HOH increases.

11- Alison. She was good the first time because people didn’t know what she was capable of. Now they are, and that’s likely to hurt her.

10- James. He’s a smart player, but I think people will figure him out. Vetoes only last for so long. But, he has some social skills, so he might be able to use those in combination with his brains to create something dynamic.

9- Mike. No clue where to put him, so I thought #9 was fair.

8- Marcellas. He can do okay, but I think his lack of mental stability will be his undoing. If he can keep a level, sane head, then he should do well. He’s got the ability to make friends, which will be one of his greatest assets.

7- Janelle. The Force is with Jedi Janey. She’s got plenty of tricks up her sleeves, so look beyond this ploy to get rid of her.

6- Howie. As I said, Howie is the least threatening of him, Kaysar, Janelle, and James, so he should fare the best. And who couldn’t love adorable little meteorologist Howie? Let’s hope everyone likes him so he or Janelle can win this thing.

5- Jase. Believe it or not, I’m expecting him to do well. As big a player he is, this may be overlooked. He’s 10th place finish should work to his advantage, and I know he’s suave enough to go for the gold.

4- Diane. Diane has the uncanny ability to play victim. However, she also has the uncanny ability to always be on the good side of luck. She did very well last time on very little. This time, people will fry the bigger fish first, so expect her once again to fare well.

3- George. Chicken Man to win? You never know. I have a hunch his lack of real BB experience will be an asset with everyone at each other’s necks. He’ll fit in great with this group, and he will be a beacon of sunshine amidst those who will take the game so seriously.

2- Nakomis. Nakomis will be able to get out of any situation by passing it off, putting her thumbs up, and saying “cool.” This level-headedness is critical in a game that drives people to the crazy house (which is NOT a synonym for the Big Brother house). Despite her body ink, funky clothes, and crazy hair, she fits in very well. It’s because she’s a down to earth person. I only have high expectations for her.

1- Erika. Right now, she’s my favorite to win. She’s very down to earth (sorry for using that again, but it true for Erika and Nakomis), and should fit into any alliance that needs her. She knows what to do and when to do it. Her strategy is so seemingly simple that it’s scary. She’ll probably achieve similar success by doing the same exact thing. I expect her to do very well.

Okay kids, that wraps up this column. I’ll be back Fridays (hopefully) to dish out all the dirt on the happenings in the Big Brother house of the past week. As always, I invite you to email me with any comments, etc you may wish to make. Email address at the bottom.

So until next time, when we discuss the versatility of linen, stay cool