The (Early) SmackDown Report

Janurary 6th, 2006. Mark Henry returns and attacks Batista during a Steel Cage match. Janurary 13th, 2006. Batista announces his injury and gives the World Championship to Theodore Long. Could’ve sworn they were more than a week apart. But tonight, Batista .. Is Back.

SmackDown opening vignette.

Opening Contest: Over The Top Rope Battle Royale, Winner Vs. Rey Mysterio at Great American Bash
Entrants: King Booker, William Regal, Paul London, Brian Kendrick, Finlay, Jamie Noble, Kid Kash, Simon Dean, Super Crazy, Psicosis, Matt Hardy, Scotty Too Hotty, Mr Kennedy, Funaki
General brawl to start of course. Super Crazy is the first eliminated, surprisingly, and followed by Psicosis which leads the two to fighting outside of the ring. Kid Kash gets eliminated by Matt Hardy before we head to a commercial .. Gee, a King Booker chant that lasts a good six minutes. A mindless brawl. Sigh.

Commercials.

We’re back and it doesn’t look like there’s any new eliminations. Jamie Noble, Simon Dean, and Funaki are all eliminated. Scotty Too Hotty is then eliminated, leaving it down to the Hooliganz and Hardy against Kennedy, Finlay, Regal, and Booker before the heels throw Kennedy to the faces, and he gets eliminated. Hardy and Booker fight in the corner, as does Finlay and London while Kendrick and Regal fight at the ropes. Regal and Finlay double team Kendrick with a short arm clothesline. Regal gets a knee in on London, before he saves Finlay from elimination by Kendrick. London gets a dropsault on Booker before he gets eliminated by Finlay! Regal eliminates Kendrick with a t-bone suplex over the top rope! Twist Of Fate on Regal! Finlay gets eliminated by Hardy! Booker gets a short arm kick on Hardy, but misses a clothesline and gets hit with the Side Effect! Hardy tries to eliminate Booker, but Regal attacks Hardy from behind. Hardy with a running elbow on Regal, before he punches away on Booker in the corner before nailing a bulldog!

Booker gets an eye poke and the two try for a double team, but Hardy gets a double clothesline! Hardy tries again to eliminate Booker, but Regal gets in a fierce german / nelson suplex variation in on Hardy. Regal tries to eliminate Hardy, and while he’s doing so Booker comes up from behind and eliminates them both!
Winner And Number One Contender: King Booker!

Post match, Regal looks half pissed, half over the moon that Booker won, before he starts up the “All Hail King Booker” chant. Quite a shitty match, even if it did eat up a good twenty minutes that could have been spent on something worse and less meaningful. I’ll give them some slack because it was watchable, and nice to see who they trusted the most when it came down to the final wrestlers. Two out of Ten.

Commercials.

Rey Mysterio is backstage with Krystal, instead of talking about King Booker, he talks about what Henry did last week. He apologizes for not helping Chavo, while he was locked in the Torture Rack, and tells Henry that they have unfinished business. Mysterio begins to talk about King Booker, and how he knows that the belt is a blessing to him, and addresses Booker as Booker T – shock horror! At the Great American Bash, Booker is just one move away from the 619 .. Oooohhh.

Sylvan makes his way out. What happened to his model gimmick? He personally invites everyone to spend their summer in Quebec. The entire segment JBL is all pro American. Sylvan says some French and that’s the end of that segment .. And we’re thirty minutes in to SmackDown.

Mike Mizanin yells into his microphone and hypes up Batista’s return to SmackDown tonight. Mizanin says that Batista will call out his Great American Bash opponent tonight. Cole and JBL discuss it, JBL says that he doubts it’ll happen but if it does it’ll be the biggest mistake in his career.

Video recapping Henry taking out Benoit takes out into a recap of Batista vs JBL at last year’s SummerSlam.

Commercials.

Still to come: Champion vs Champion: Bobby Lashley verses Gregory Helms! Oh my god, there’ll be an actual match .. Speaking of a match!

Second Contest: Mr. Kennedy vs Super Crazy
Kennedy’s microphone work gets intrerrupted by Crazy. Kennedy attacks Crazy quickly with a clothesline, before he yells at Crazy and throws him outside where he slams Crazy’s head on the apron and sends him into the steel pole face first for a one count. Elbow drop by Kennedy. Crazy gets in some right hands and comes off the ropes with a headscissors, before running right into a nice elbow by Kennedy for a two count before he applies a rear choke hold while JBL goes on his little tangent of random rage. He really hates the internet doesn’t he? Crazy gets to his feet and pummels away on Kennedy but runs right into a kitchen sink knee by Kennedy. Right now JBL’s getting really interesting and I’m not even paying attention to the match. Crazy gets a small package for a one count.

Scoop slam by Kennedy, who goes to capitalize with a splash but Crazy gets his knees up. Kennedy gets a very sudden drop toe hold. Crazy avoids an elbow drop and gets in a hiptoss, elbow, and dropkick, before going for a clothesline but Kennedy rolls out of the ring only to have Crazy do a vaulting body press.Crazy with a Russian leg sweep before he goes up top – “He doesn’t speak English, I doubt he speak Russian!” – but Psicosis distracts him and Kennedy attacks from behind! Kennedy up top with the Kenton for the three count!
Winner: Mr Kennedy

Thank god there was a match, this was beginning to feel like a SuperShow edition of Velocity. Post match Kennedy gets to do his mic schtick. Great match to put Kennedy over, but it did make Crazy look really weak – which is not what they need heading into what could be a big attention getting angle with Psicosis. Anything above a five would make me feel guilty. Five out of Ten.

Krystal is standing backstage telling one of the stage hands about how she should have beaten up Ashley, before she notices the camera and interviews Tatanka. Oh, gee, yay. Khali has “maybe .. possibly .. sort of defeated the UnderTaker”. Uh huh. Tatanka talks about the Native Americans and all.

Backstage, Daivari looks over a Casket and tells some guys off camera to take it to ringside.

Commercials.

Recap of SmackDown’s latest tour.

Third Contest: The Great Khali vs Tatanka
Khali totally destroys Tatanka, not much else to say really. And that’s all you need to know too.
Winner: The Great Khali

Post match spooky things happen, and UnderTaker’s voice is heard over the mighty PA System and accepts Khali’s challenge for the Great American Bash. -Five out of Ten.

Commercials.

Diva Search crap. Amy will get a contract, guaranteed. Layla does have her own look, got to give her that. Milena reminds me of a girl I know. But I still pick Jen to win, for what it matters.

Fourth Contest: Vito vs Psicosis
Pre match we see footage of Vito on a shopping spree. Bless his tranny heart. Mind games by Vito to start. Lock up and Vito gets a headlock, off the ropes and back with a shoulder block to Psicosis, before he poses for Psicosis. Psicosis slaps Vito, who pounces on him with an array of punches. Yeah, sounds colorful doesn’t it? Vito runs into the turnbuckles and back into a spinning heel kick by Psicosis for a one count. Suplex by Psicosis for a two count. Psicosis spanks Vito on the rear, and Vito beats the crap out of him, finishing it with a shoulder body toss and a top rope splash! Insert Macarena here. Man he’s having so much fun with this damned gimmick.

Psicosis gets the better with a kick to the gut and a clothesline before he locks in a camel clutch, and Vito is bleeding from the nose. Vito reverses a suplex with one of his own before he sends Psicosis into the ropes and back into a high kick. Vito runs into the turnbuckle and Psicosis gets a fall forward suplex for a two count. Super Crazy makes his way down to the ring and argues with Psicosis, but turns around into the Forget About It, and locks in the Thong Lock (well you come up with something better!) for the submission.
Winner: Vito

This was fun. No doubt. You may not like the storyline, but Vito’s loving it .. Tranny’s are so fun. Six out of Ten. It wasn’t spectacular or anything, duh.

Backstage, Booker, Sharmell, and Regal do their own little celebrations.

Commercials.

Recap of Batista vs Triple H from WrestleMania, as well as Mark Henry destroying Kurt Angle on one time .. where he jumped off the apron and through the table. That time, you know.

Fifth Contest: The Pitbulls vs Scotty Too Hotty and Funaki
Noble attacks Funaki right away before he takes it the corner, but Funaki gets a crossbody for a two. Tag to Kash, and the two send Funaki into the ropes and back for some shoulders for a two count. Kash takes it to Funaki with headbutts before he tags out to Noble, who nail stereo headbutts and chops. Noble takes it to the corner again for some stomps and a foot choke. Funaki gets in some punches before Noble gets a drop toe hold, before he chokes Funaki again. Tag out to Kash, and the two stomp away on Kash in the corner, before Kash gets a strong body drop for a two.

Funaki gets a sunset flip but Kash rolls through and comes off the ropes with a clothesline, tag in to Noble who misses his attack and lands groin first on the middle rope as Funaki tags out to Hotty! Hotty off the ropes with an elbow to Kash, atomic drop to Noble! Neckbreaker to Noble for a one count, broken by Kash, who quickly gets nailed with a bulldog by Funaki. Funaki gets nailed by a double knee gutbuster by Noble. Hotty gets nailed with the spear clothesline combo for the victory!
Winners: The Pitbulls

Nice little way to put the Pitbulls over. The match was very fast pased and just flew by, which is sometimes a good sign. Four out of Ten.

Up next: Champion vs Champion, Bobby Lashley against Gregory Helms!

Commercials.

ECW Rebound .. Wait, ECW Rebound?! We all know what it recaps. Based on this clip it certainly looks like Show has gotten much more talented since joining ECW.

Great American Bash Card;
World Championship: Rey Mysterio defends against King Booker
Punjabi Prison Match: The Undertaker vs The Great Khali
Batista verses Mark Henry
United States Championship: Fit Finlay vs William Regal vs Bobby Lashley

Backstage, Finlay and Regal reminisce about their old hated, before Regal looks down to see the Leprechaun humping his leg! Regal asks Finlay nicely to remove the little bastard, but he bites Finlay, and Finlay chases the little bastard!

Lashley and Helms make their entrances

Commercials.

Main Event: Champion vs Champion: Bobby Lashley vs Gregory Helms
Lashley gets a nice arm drag on Helms and it looks like the match is a good minute or two in. JBL notes that in two weeks Hems becomes the longest reigning Cruiser Weight Champion ever in the WWE! Helms gets in a cheap kick before getting in some rights, he goes for a hip but gets taken down by Lashley. Belly to belly by Lashley is followed up by a clothesline and his vertical suplex .. a rather delayed one .. for a two count. Lashley sends Helms into the corner for a clothesline and goes to scoop slam Helms, but Helms rakes the eyes and gets in his neckbreaker for a two count. Helms gets some knees to the head of Lashley before locking in a sleeper hold with the leg scissors. Lashley gets to his feet with Helms still attached, and nails a sideslam! Lashley with his own body toss. Lashley with the military press into powerslam for the .. three count?
Winner: Bobby Lashley

What a disappointing match. Three minutes given to our wrestling main event?! God damn! -Five out of Ten.

Mark Henry is backstage, and says he’s sick and tired of hearing about Batista and what he’s going to do. There’s a reason that Batista is out in the first place, and that reason is Mark Henry. Henry says this will be the longest whoppin’ Batista’s ever gotten, and the shortest comeback in wrestling history. And Batista will feel exactly what the world’s strongest man is all about. Henry’s best promo yet!

Mizanin hypes up Batista’s return .. it’s next!

Commercials.

Batista returns! And he’s .. I think he’s got many titties now. And he’s surely the Wellness Policy’s Poster Boy now. If you’re expecting Hulking Batista, then you may be disappointed. But he’s still pretty big at least. He straight away calls out Mark Henry. Man I hope they make their match at the PPV a Last Man Standing match. Henry tells Batista that he doesn’t call him out, but Henry should call Batista out. He’s about to leave when Mysterio attacks from behind! Henry gets the better of Mysterio before Batista destroys Henry with a clothesline, and sends him head first into the steel steps! Batista sends the steel steps right into the head of Henry, pretty legit shot too. Officials get Batista away from Henry, until Batista finds himself a chair! JBL; “Better get a big ambulance”. Batista slams the chair over the back of Henry a few times, as SmackDown fades to an end!

So this week’s results stand at;

Battle Royale: 2/10
Mr Kennedy vs Super Crazy: 5/10
Great Khali vs Tatanka: -5/10
Psicosis vs Vito: 6/10
Pitbulls vs Hotty and Funaki: 4/10
Lashley vs Helms: -5/10
SmackDown 07/07/06: 7/60

Pretty much our usual SmackDown expectations nowadays. Nothing to write home about. Well at least this episode had something the others didn’t; Batista and build towards Great American Bash. Until next week. Ciao Y’all!

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