Evening all. I’m Tom Pandich, your transitional Live Raw coverage guy. Tonight, Vince calls out DX to hilarious results. Edge gets to cut a promo before the belt ends up back on the rightful champ, John Cena. We find out who’s going to be on screen during the bathroom breaks this year as the 2006 Diva candidates are announced. Other stuff happens! We’re mere days away from Saturday Night Main Event so keep it right here. Keep it here all night.
We start off the evening with Cena being screwed, Rob being buried, and Edge being your NEW WWE CHAMPION in video package form. We’re live from Sioux City, Iowa, and here comes Edge. Edge and Lita are both in black. Edge spins the belt and gets some decent heat. They come down to the announcer’s table, and they’ve got another table set up. Why it’s the Rated R Announcer’s Table! Apparently Edge is here for some scouting.
John Cena vs Shelton Benjamin: Oh how the mighty have fallen
Nice that in under a month Shelton has gone from being Intercontinental Champ to jobbing to Cena. Cena slaps on a headlock and hits a shoulder block. He tries for an FU but gets distracted by Edge and Shelton fights out. Shelton hits a sidekick and lays a few blows on to Cena. Cena sends Shelton into the corner and charges. Shelton floats over the top rope and tries for a suplex. Cena blocks, Shelton blocks, Cena takes Shelton over the ropes but Shelton floats through for a neckbreaker.
Shelton works over John Cena with a headlock that Cena fights up from. Cena hits the ropes and misses the crossbody. Shelton drops a few elbows for two and then Shelton slaps on a chinlock. Cena powers out of it picking Shelton up in an electric chair and dropping him. Cena heads up top, gets distracted jawing with Edge and takes a kick that sends him to the concrete floor. Commercial break.
We’re back with Cena on the map locked in a head lock. During the commercial, Cena got hit with a rising knee. Apparently we didn’t miss much. Cena pulls Shelton to a vertical base, but Shelton hangs on to his back with the headlock. Cena tries to send Shelton into the corner, but Shelton hangs on. He goes back down only to fight out again. Cena gets a head of steam and runs over Shelton with clotheslines.
Cena starts hitting his moves of doom. Throwback goes into the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena tries for the FU that Shelton floats through. Shelton hits a Samoan drop for a long two. Shelton then tries for an FU of his own which Cena fights out of. Cena goes for an Exploder that is blocked. Cena stumbles into the corner. Shelton tries for the Stinger splash, but Cena gets out of the way. FU, STFU, Shelton taps.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
After the match, John Cena charges at Edge. He tosses Edge into the ring but gets held up by Lita. Edge proceeds to beat the hell out of Cena. Edgecutioner (much cooler name then the Impaler DDT) is followed by a Spear. Edge leaves saying he and Lita are going to their hotel room.
In case you blacked out for a moment, here’s what happened in the last few minutes. Edge beat up Cena. Apparently DX has not shown up yet. If you missed last week, they show DX screwing with Vince McMahon followed with Vince in what was probably the least appropriate use of “soot” face since Loco Roco.
Eugene is laughing with Snitsky over this hilarity. Vince and Shane approach Eugene, and they seem pissed. Apparently they need a partner for the handicap match against DX tonight. Who does Eugene think will team up with them? “Dr. Isaac Yankem?” Hah. Apparently the McMahons want to team with Eugene this week against DX. Do I smell shenanigans? I think I do!
Hm, there’s some odd overdub advertising Trish Stratus vs Melina tonight. Perhaps the King or J.R. flubbed the line and they needed to get in something quick. WWE Rewind is Ashley “owning us so big” for winning the Diva competition. She sure as hell does.
Here comes Melina and it’s time for our next match.
Melina vs Trish Stratus: More annoying screeching then a women’s tennis match
The two go at it with Trish getting the early advantage. Melina, who looks hot as hell in a yellow and black “thing”, gets dumped. She scurries underneath the ring and pops up getting the jump on Trish. Melina works over Trish with a front chinlock. Trish fights up and lands a suplex. Melina fights off Trish Stratus and tries to go up top. Trish goes after her and does her flip into head scissors to dump Melina off the top.
Trish moves Melina into the opposite corner and hits some chops across Melina’s boob. Melina moves out of the corner and takes a kick to the stomach. Trish flips on to her and proceeds to land the head scissors after a few spins around Melina. That gets a long two. Trish tries for a Stratusfaction, but breaks it to kick Nitro off the apron. Melina gets the roll up and the win in a surprisingly entertaining match.
Winner: Melina
After the match, Trish Stratus is nearly beaten down. Carlito hits the ring though and the two clean house. Huzzah for that. Apparently it’s a mixed tag at Saturday Night Main Event.
Meanwhile in hotel land, Edge wants his room. Apparently it’s not ready yet. He handles it in a decent non-heel fashion as the hotel attendant says it’ll be ready in a short while and they can wait at the bar upstairs. Lita heads to get some boozes. Edge then proceeds to yell at the hotel attendant in typical heel fashion. Who’s ever heard of a room not being ready by 8:30?
Diva contestants are getting some photos taken. Apparently this year you can only text your votes for .99 a vote. Of course you can vote 10 times a week! Huzzah.
Rob Conway and Matt Striker vs the Highlanders: Wait, what?
We saw this last week. Matt Striker starts in the ring with Rory. He starts out with a single leg take down followed by a belly to back suplex. Matt Striker tells Rob Conway that is how you wrestle and then he tags Conway in. Conway works over Rory for all to brief a moment. Robbie gets a tag and the Highlanders do their stupid head butt move. Robbie tries to take out Striker but he dodges because he’s too smart. Conway gets a few blows in only to be dominated very quickly. Meh. Scot Drop on Conway wins it. Striker looks disgusted.
Winners: The Highlanders
In the back, Maria stops Ric Flair to ask about Mick Foley. There’s a time for business and pleasure. Tonight though, Flair is all about business and he’s coming down to the ring to tell the truth about Ric Flair. Commercial time.
We’re back and Flair is in the ring cutting another promo. He talks about how he’s beaten Foley and how Foley is a glorified stuntman. He is then interrupted by Mick Foley who trashes Flair’s book and how it was ghost written. He then proceeds to go on Ric Flair’s days booking WCW. He talks about how his ear coming off in Germany on ropes that were a little too tight, how he spent thousands of miles traveled on the road eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches until he puked, and how he bled for this business. How dare Ric Flair say he took the easy road. Foley says these “monsters” that Flair had to fight are imaginary. No one was as much of a monster as Foley.
Foley then runs down his accomplishments. Being WWE champ, being a two time New York Times best seller, getting interviewed by Katie Couric, and being Melina’s friend. For fourteen years there was a space in Mick Foley’s head that was occupied by Ric Flair. Now though, it’s gone. Foley says no rematch. Great piece that equals every promo these two have had.
Flair is set off. He wants Foley right now. He wants Foley in an extreme match and he damn well knows that Mick Foley would eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every day of his life. Flair is interrupted by Paul Heyman who wants to introduce our new ECW champ, the Big Show. Big Show invites Flair to ECW tomorrow night for an ECW World Title match. The Big Show is the only man who has held the ECW, WCW, and WWE world titles. Ric Flair accepts the invitation. Heyman slaps Flair in the back then Flair decked by Big Show. The Big Show uses a sleeper to a backbreaker on Flair. Tomorrow, it’s a title match it seems.
Now in the back, it’s Eugene coming to visit the McMahon family. Eugene has come to apologize to the McMahons. They aren’t angry though. They have the new DX shirt for Eugene as a gift. They also have a bucket of green paint for Eugene. Vince and Shane beat Eugene which is then capped with a swirlie in the toilet. The message has been sent to DX! What a message a beat down on Eugene is!
We’re back and the beat down on Ric Flair is shown. During the break, Candice Michelle is offered to come to ECW for a dance off against Kelly. Candice refuses only to send a counter offer that she’d rather dance with Kelly at ECW tomorrow night.
Charlie Haas vs Viscera: This isn’t on Heat yet?
Vis dominates as usual to start off. He uses a big meat slap in the corner on Haas and then steps on him. Viscera tries to go to the other corner and do the same thing. Haas climbs Viscera in the corner and hits nine punches before being dropped by the Big V. Haas reminds me of a member of N’Sync. Haas rolls to the side of the apron and Vis tries for a meat slap only to be guillotined by Haas.
Haas proceeds to hit a big missile drop kick on Viscera for two flooring him. Haas hits a major kick on Vis that echoes through out the arena. Vis is up and plants Haas with a side slam. Lillian then interrupts the match saying she only wants to be friends with the both of them. She gets in the ring causing Haas to poke Vis in the eyes. Blinded, Vis tries for a Samoan drop on Lillian. Haas looks horrified, but they get over it and have a good laugh over Lillian’s prone body. EMTs take Lillian out.
Meanwhile, Edge is drunk with Lita. No Cena yet so don’t worry about that. Diva Search shit is up next.
Christ, I hate the All American Rejects. It’s the official theme song of the Diva Search. Mike “the Miz” is the host of the Diva search. Oh and DX is not here yet. The Miz is a pain in the ass. The Miz can’t even tell us to vote right screwing up the plug ten times. The contestants parade out, all eight of them.
-Jen is here to kick ass and show some ass. Lame.
-Layla is privlaged and will be the next “Deever”
-Erica looks hot and is probably the favorite to win.
-Maryse can’t speak English. She gets massive boos, not boobs, although those are pretty big too. She’s the Playboy chick in case you’re wondering.
-Milena has a very different look about her, but she’s pulling an Ashley thing. She’s a pretty strong favorite in the dic”¦ knee jerk reaction category.
-Rebecca puts the mic in her boobs and sprays everyone with some water.
-JT is the MILF of the group. Meh.
-Amy’s tits aren’t big enough for a blond in the WWE.
No clear winner, but my guess is Erica. They’re going to be on Smackdown too this year. Have fun with that Smackdown. Diva bootcamp on Smackdown this Friday. The Miz blows the f*cking plug again. What a retard.
In the back, Shane is talking to the Coach about”¦ something. Shane is confronted by Hacksaw Jim Duggan who is here to defend Eugene’s honor. Vince belts him with a chair about 15 seconds too late to keep the segment from being annoying.
We’re back and Randy Orton is in the ring. Orton is excited to introduce himself to Hulk Hogan as the Legend Killer. Speaking of legend, here’s Val Venis.
Randy Orton vs Val Venis: Was this short?
Orton attacks Venis while he’s spinning his towel. RKO and we’re back to the promo.
Winner: Randy Orton
Randy talks about molesting Brooke in about so many words. I really hope Orton will get convicted of some sort of sex crime with children.
Here’s Edge in his hotel room. He makes fun of Hulk Hogan needing hair plugs. Room service is here, but no champagne. Wait, JOHN CENA IS IN THE MIRROR!!!! If only”¦ final commercial of the night.
We’re back. Does anyone ever read WWE magazine? Of course they don’t. It’s on magazine stands tomorrow.
Saturday Night Main Event Card:
-Hulk Hogan appears with Brooke Hogan
-Carlito and Trish vs Melina and Nitro
-Sabu in an Extreme Rules match
-King Booker, Mark Henry, and Finlay vs Bobby Lashley, Batista, and Rey Mysterio
-Diva Bullriding Contest
-John Cena vs Edge for the WWE Title
The champagne is here. Only it’s not booze at all. It’s John Cena attacking Edge. He shoves food into Edge’s face and hits him with a belt shot. Meh. Eugene vs. Vince and Shane is next.
Shane McMahon and Vince McMahon vs Eugene: No DQ Handicap match
Shane is really soaked in green paint. Vince introduces Eugene saying he’s lean, mean, green, he’s EUGENE! Good lord. What a dumb end to night. Here comes the Spirit Squad. Shane attacks Eugene and dumps him to outside where the Spirit Squad beats Eugene. Shane tries for a cover but Eugene kicks out and retards up!
He hits Shane O’ Mac with his usual offense. Vince continues to draw boos as the Spirit Squad breaks up Eugene’s assault. Spirit Drop on Eugene. Vince gets the tag in as a second Spirit Drop is done on Eugene. Shane is going to drop the big elbow through the Rated R Announcer’s table. DX’s music hits and here they are. Vince tries to position DX to drop a net on them. They spend a few minutes wandering trying to get in the right position for Vince to drop his net. They take a step forward avoiding the net. Vince is pissed. Eugene rolls him up from behind for the win!
Winner: Eugene
Vince is pissed. I’ll be here Wednesday with an ECW report and I’ll be here on Saturday for your live SNME coverage. See you then.
