It’s been a while, once again. Don’t fret; at sometime in the near future I might actually be physically able to write columns on a regular basis. That’ll be great fun! YAY! That was a horrible intro; so let’s just move on…with the show…
Rhino Rhino Rhino
On top of his stupid “I have the belts Vince, come get them from me.” diatribe, Rhino said some more stupid things backstage, referencing the flowerpot incident among other things. Also, Rhino made some comments about staying with TNA rather than going to WWE to be on the new ECW show during a recent radio interview. He asked them about the dress code and was told that the ECW roster would have to follow it too. He said ECW is not ECW without Sandman in a T-shirt with a snot rag hanging out his back pocket. He said TNA gives wrestlers a chance to go out and have the best match they can, no matter their spot on the show, unlike WWE, which has you play dress-up even when you aren’t on camera.
Here, folks, is why Rhino is a damn moron and you should never try to be like him:
1. Turning down a contract to stay with TNA: Define “Sinking Ship”: TNA. Don’t even try to tell me how their ratings are up past 1.0 and how people love Joe and blah blah blah. Jeff Jarrett has the title AGAIN. ECW, which is horrible and I’ll get to, has better ratings. “Dan, ECW is promoted on Raw and owned by WWE, of COURSE they’d have better ratings!” No, not if it sucks, which it does. TNA is a mosh pit of people who have been fired by WWE and people from the indies. Yes, some of them look great in the ring. They’re still from the indies.
2. “I have the belts, come and get them!” GRRRRRR says Rhino at 50k per year! Hey Rhino, get this, the first week of ECW, they used a replica that I COULD BUY! Think they care about the “original” belt? “But they sued to stop it!” Yeah, show me the paperwork. That’s a work by TNA to act like they are a threat.
3. Yeah, you got fired because you GORE GORE GORED a flowerpot! You…are…stupid. Don’t take that out on WWE. You did the dumb thing, you paid for it.
4. “I won’t sell out and go back.” Like you did last year for One Night Stand? Bitch.
Please kids, don’t email me telling me about how Rhino is fighting for the future of the business. In five years when TNA is dead and buried and Rhino comes strolling through Masadegabubletruckcluck County looking for that $100 pay day, smack him in the face and say “Hevia SO told you!”
Average cost of producing Raw or Smackdown: $527,451
HA! Only if us fans got $527,451 worth of fun out these shows!
MySpace goes WWE
In the newest sign of WWE actually using the internet to advance angles, Randy Orton opened up a MySpace account with some references to Brooke Hogan. She is also his (Funaki Voice) NUMBA 1 FLIEND! Additionally, if you look through her comments he actually left one for her, which is pretty funny.
By the way, there is a really funny MySpace picture that someone has:
Word is that the freak took the alien home and made love to it…FOR HOURS!
I really have no comment on the whole RVD and Sabu thing. RVD’s commentary on his website, however, I do:
Well, it’s going to be difficult to think of reasons not to clean out the garage now. Looks like I have a little more time on my hands.
Hmm… you think this website’s getting a lot of hits?
Fans and friends in Battle Creek, sorry once again. I’ve never wrestled in front of my hometown my whole career, and it looks like that will remain the case for now…
Hey, it looks like I’ll have time to go see that Superman movie!
C U in 30.
Time to see the new Superman movie? TIME TO SEE THE NEW SUPERMAN MOVIE? CLEAN OUT THE GARAGE? Were you high when you wrote this!? Dude…you killed ECW. The F’N BIG SHOW is champion now! Die!
Speaking of the suckfest that is ECW…actually, from Tommy Dreamer:
TO ALL ECW FANS:
I TAKE IT UPON MYSELF TO APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HAPPENED THIS WEEK.
I CANNOT TRULY EXPRESS MY FEELINGS.
I AM ANGRY, PISSED OFF AND TOTALLY FRUSTRATED ABOUT WHAT I HAVE BEEN SEEING IN ECW.
I NEED TO SIT BACK AND DIGEST ALL OF THIS.
IF I WRITE ABOUT WHAT IS IN MY HEAD, MY COLUMN WILL PROBABLY NO LONGER EXIST.
Innovator of Violence
Yea Tommy, you should be pissed that the new definition of Hardcore is Andrew “Test Positive” Martin punting Head into the crowd.
You should be pissed that now all matches are WWE unless labeled “Extreme Rules”
You should be pissed that I bought a ticket to the August 13th show in NY without knowing that I’d be paying for a wrestling abortion.
You should be pissed that everything you worked for went out of business a long time ago only to be brought back and leveled again by Vince McMahon.
You should be pissed that the only memory of ECW you will ever own without cringing is Beulah.
But get this, Tommy: There is NOTHING you can do about it this time. NOTHING. It’s over. RVD, last week, hit a 5 Star Nail Splash into the coffin of ECW. Big Show hit those nails with his big doofy hammer and Paul Heyman, the man who will always stand up and do what is right even if he gets fired DID NOTHING. It’s over Tommy, pack up the van and go home.
In response to Botter’s 10 Wrestler Nobody Cares About, I give you reasons!
1. Sting – Old, boring, never tried the big stage.
2. Charlie Haas – Wife is hot, really no charisma.
3. Matt Hardy – Blew the angle he created.
4. Christian Cage – Going through the motions with no emotion.
5. Tommy Dreamer – 40 people cared about him to begin with. They can’t afford to get into the bigger shows.
6. Monty Brown – Whole career has been one big botch.
7. Balls Mahoney – Fat, looks like he could be at my local tavern.
8. Konnan – Gangsta…people aren’t down with that anymore.
9. Viscera – He was Mabel, rapes men for a finisher.
10. Gunner Scott – Too young, saddled with Matt Hardly.
With that, I am finished for now. I appreciate the feedback and concern over where I’ve been. Just remember that I’m always lurking in the shadows and I’ll be in from time to time. Or fortnightly as we call it here. Adios!