WHERE WAS I LAST WEEK?
WHERE WAS HERNANDEZ, JENNA, BILL, DANI, JEFFREY?
DRUNK DRUNK DRUNK DRUNK DRUNK
WHERE WAS ERIC?
WATCHING WORLD TITLES CHANGE HANDS!
So here we are a week removed from the most exciting smarky bits of wrestling in recent years – and it’s time to get this show a rolling with an introduction of the people that support us!
Inside Pulse – Home of Happiness!
Monday Night Rabble – Home of Archives!
Notice a missing name.. yeah, me neither. Here’s the fairly intense list of the people that make the Rabble the Rabble. The creme de la creme of casual conversationalists that quantify their quips into quotable potables. That’s what we are.
THAT IS WHO WE ARE AND THIS IS WHAT WE DO!
Let’s see our contestants:
Bill – He’s got Concentration!
Eric – His Price Is Right!
Hernandez – He Wants To Be A Millionaire.
Jeffrey – He makes the Tic-Tac-Dough!
Jenna – She’s The Joker’s Wild.
Michael – He can Win, Lose, and Draw!
…and your host… the Weakest Link… Me, James Hatton.
Hey we have a new champion?! It’s EDGE! YAY!
“Curtain jerkin Edge!” – Bill
“But he’s jerkin with the title!” – Dani
“I want to see a curtain jerkin freakin deacon Edge…” – Michael
That’s right here he comes with Lita in tow. They head over to thir own announce table! Covered in chains.
“Whoa whoa – where are the spanish announcers?” – Hernandez
So it seems they are going to discuss their opponent for the SNME.. and hey! Here comes John Cena!
His opponent – Ain’t No Stopping Him Now! Shelton Benjamin.
Hit the bell and it begins… nice.
They lock up – headlock from Cena, Shelton pushes him back but John grabs him and puts him up for the FU… Shelton drops off and slaps him. As Cena is going after him – he pulls in the ref, and then dropkicks Cena down.
Now Shelty bouncing Cena with the fists…. Cena fights back then throws Shelty to the corner. Cena charges – Shelton leaps out onto the apron. There is a fight for a suplex on the apron. Cena hits it, but Shelty lands on his feet and hits a neckbreaker. Nice spot!
Shelty gets two! Then hits with a snap suplex. Shelty then throws Cena into a chinlock. Cena fights out of it…. elbow to the gut. Now the fight off. Cena goes for a flying crossbody – but Shelty ducks and now Shelton starts dropping elbows. Gets a two count, then jumps right back into a sleeperhold. Cena lifts him up hard… then an electric chair drop for two! Cena now climbing to the top.
Edge distracts Cena – Shelton hits a dropkick and we are on commercial!
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:09
We come back and Shelty’s got Cena in another chinlock. Apparently during the commercial break, Cena got clocked with a superkick. Cena again stands up out of it and backs Shelty into a corner… no really.. he did.
Shelton holds on! Back to the center of the ring, Cena drops down… and then muscles the arm off of him. Elbows to the gut drop it. Now the fight back and forth. It’s deja vu all over again! Clothesline drops Shelty – sideslam. Cena hits the five knuckle. Sizes him up…
John slowly sets up the FU – HITSSSSSS NO! SHELTON LANDS ON HIS FEET! HITS A SAMOAN!
ONE… TWO…… NO! Hot spot!
Back to fist to fist – Shelty goes for another samoan! Cena lands on his feet – throws Shelton to the corner – picks him up for a belly to back – hits the STFU!
WINNER: JOHN CENA
Just as they are raising Cena’s hand for victory – Cena bails out and attacks Edge!
“Like a sailor coming back from the war!” – Michael
Cena pulls Edge right in, but Lita stops John for one moment and now Edge takes advantage and begins to beat Cena down.
“Edge has that look that says, nobody makes me bleed my own blood!” – Nina
Edge hits the hard DDT – Follows up with the Spear! And the crowd may not like Cena… they hate Edge. Good.
Edge grabs some mic – “Since we’d rather be anywhere but here… maybe we’ll go back to our hotel and watch the show. So John, we’ll ‘SEE YA’ Saturday…”
JR – I can’t believe the Arrogance exuding off Edge
“He’s covered in Rick Martel’s scent?” – Me
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:19
Hey – Hulk Hogan’s showing up at Saturday Night’s Main Event w/ Brooke.
“His piece of ass..” – Hernandez
“Why is this going on?” – Dani
“She’s blonde.. she’s young..” – Hernandez
“And Vince said she can pull paint off a doorknob..” – Me
Hey in the back – we have an empty parking lot… they are apparently awaiting the arrival of DX. We get a flash to last week’s weenie roast.
“I LOVE Mister Fuji.” – Me
So they go through the entire bit of Vince’s voice changing bit… and Vince’s music… so good, ending in the fireworks…
In the back Eugene, Snitsky, and Torrie are hanging out laughing at it, until Vince shows up with Shane… and Eugene stands alone.
Eugene wants Vince to change his voice again…. Eugene’s got two words for ya.
“SHUT UP!” – Vince
Vince and Shane want to have a match to fight in a handicapped match, who is it going to be?
“Isaac Yankum?” – Eugene
“Dammit, he beat us to the Isaac Yankum line…” – Me
And before the commercial – we get a disembodied voice explaining that there is a match with the ‘sultry’ Mileena versus Trish Status.
“And if you mean ‘self-inflated’ then yes… sultry.” – Michael
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:30
We get a flash to Ashley winning last year’s Diva contest…
Now though here comes Melina in a yellow number and Johnny Nitro…
“Melina coming down to the ring with Hauser.” – Michael
TRISH STRATUS vs. MELINA
Lock up pushed off by Melina. Then a collar elbow – and Trish drops her face down. Melina tries to bail – but Trish grabs her hair, but a highkick drops Trish down. Trish throws her out of the ring, and Melina bails under the ring and runs around to the other side and blindsides Trish. A solid dropkick sends Trish down for two.
Now Melina with a chinlock.
“Look at those eyes..” – Lawler
“Her big brown eyes?” – JR
“No, her little brown eye..” – Michael
“Are there any female wrestlers without boobjobs?” – Jeffrey
“Nicole Bass.. but that’s a technicality.” – Michael
So Trish gets hit with a big suplex – Trish rolls over for the two. Melina then hits a n axe kick and throws Trish to the corner. Melina climbs up to the top – but Trish runs up and hits the Rana. Now Trish gets the big chops in the corner. Trish then handstands – hits the Trish-Go-Round for two!
“When Sonya in Mortal Kombat did it – it looked just as stupid..” – Michael
Melina kicks her out and Trish goes out and catches Nitro – then Melina rolls her up for three!
So Trish goes after Melina – and Nitro stops her – in runs Carlito! They hit a double Thesz Press on Melina & Nitro – a double dropkick!
“I predict a tag team.” – Jenna
Back at the hotel – Edge & Trish are signing up for a room. They apparently have a reservation for a suite.
“It’s under Adam Copeland..” – Me
The room isn’t ready – you are more than welcome to….
“Die.” – Bill
Edge tells Lita to go up and have herself a Mimosa… so he can sit and talk to the concierge.
“Get me a bounty hunter.. I want her dead.” – Bill
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:43
In the back – they are still awaiting DX…
IT’S TIME FOR THE HIGHLANDERS!!!!
“I’m Robby!!!” – Bill
“I’m Rori!!!!” – Hernandez
They give the bald one the mic… he discusses the benefits of corn. Their opponents are Striker and Conway.
THE HIGHLANDERS vs. CONWAY & STRIKER
There can be only one… I’ve been waiting months for that..
Striker starting with Rori – Striker hits a belly to belly – and the kilt flies up showing wrestling tights.
“Oh thank god” – Michael
“His beard looks like an upside down Carlito” – Jenna
Rori gets thrown to the corner while now Conway beats him down.
“Al Snow called, he wants his moustache back.” – Michael
Now Rori throws him to the corner and beats him – headbutts him – Rori runs in and tags hand to foot as Robbie is on his way in. There is a battering ram headbutt and now Robbie throws Rob into the ropes – and gets kicked in the head. They now go fist to fist – and everytime Robbie gets hit he yells ‘OOOOOO!’ – it’s cute. So a nice dropkick throws Rob to the ropes and Rori does the kilt stomp! Robbie tags in Rori by SLAPPING him!
They hit the Scot Drop – and if you guys didn’t know it – the Rabble marks for the Highlanders.
WINNER: THE HIGHLANDERS!
In the back Flair is with Maria in a hot lil silver number….. yum
“WOO! ..hey look Flair’s here” – Bill
Flair is going to go out there and..
“Bleed” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:53
“WOO!” – Bill & Nina
SIGN OF THE NIGHT: FREE RVD!
He discusses how he kicked Mick’s ass two straight.
“Isn’t that ‘Woo’straight?” – Michael
Mick’s apparently a glorified stuntman. On the titantron though it’s Mick Foley. A rebuttal of sorts.
Foley discusses how he is a real author – Flair is a ghost writing hack. He explains that Flair was in charge of his career…
“…his EAR!” – Hernandez
“That again….. how many times you gonna bring that up?” – Michael
And explains the ear situation. I can’t do this promo justice. Find it on Youtube tomorrow. Endgame: Foley doesn’t care about Flair! He’s got titles of his own. Hardcore Champion. 3 Time WWE Champion. Two time New York Times Bestseller’s List Author. He gets no rematch.
“God! Foley! Will you keep crying about the past. We know you’ve eaten peanut butter sandwiches your entire life!” – Ric
“In fact you LOVE peanut butter sandwiches!” – Bill
Now as Flair continues to call him out…. here comes Paul Heyman!?! Interesting…
Paul has recently made peace with Mick Foley and it seems they think that Ric makes the same mistake again and again. The mistake is that everything out of the ordinary gets lumped all together.. hardcore.. glorified stuntmen… garbage wrestling. Heyman calls it Extreme Wrestling. He wants to address the new ECW Champion… so he shows us the footage.
New ECW Champion: Big Show!
Watch that garbage fly!
Now introducing into the ring is the NEW ECW Champ – The Big Show!
“Wearing his championship belt.. as a bracelet!” – Michael
Big Show gets the mic.
“Everybody gets the mic hour?!” – Me
Show marks out for Flair just a little bit…. there’s apparently one thing that Flair has never done. Only one man has ever won the WCW Title. The WWE Title. The ECW Title. Who is that? Of course.. the Big Show.
“He’s reading the lines off of the back of the belt.” – Hernandez
Show offers Flair a match on ECW terrain for the ECW Championship.
“YOu are going to bleed out of things you didn’t know you had” – Bill
“Ric… say no” – Eric
“This is how people die Ric.” – Michael
Flair, of course, accepts. Heyman then distracts Flair only long enough to backbreak Flair and throw him out to cue Show’s music.
“WEEELLLLL IT’S A DEAD FLAAAAIR!” – Michael
SO Eugene wants to apologize to the McMahons – they are kinda ok with it… so ok they give him a DX SHIRT!
Then pour slime on him!
“Without even saying I Don’t Know” – Michael
Then shove him into the bathroom.
“Two McMahon men with a another man in a shower?” – Bill
Followed by then shoving his head into the toilet.
“A giant retarded swirly!” – Me
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:11
Heyman in the back makes an offer with Candice to dance against Kelly…
Candice agrees, but she wants to dance WITH Kelly… ooooo snap.
So now in the ring is Viscera – versus Charlie Haas!
VISCERA vs. CHARLIE HAAS
“Greasespot McTapout?” – Michael
So Viscera throws Haas down. Stomping on him. Choking him. Somehow Haas gets on top of Viscera while mocking Lillian.. he then gets thrown. Go fig. The crowd is SO into this …. no they aren’t.
A clothesline from Haas and heads to the top and hits a top rope dropkick!
“Hey, wrestling’s on.” – Bill coming from the bathroom.
“No it’s not” – Michael & Hernandez
So back in the ring – Haas actually beats down on Viscera… Haas hits the ropes – and eats a black hole slam. Then the Viscera charge into the corner – but Haas moves.
Lillian grabs the microphone.
“GET ON THE APRON GET ON THE APRON!” – Hernandez
Lillian gets in the ring…. and explains that Viscera and Haas are just friends to her. Haas goes and thumbs out her eyes!
“Butter pours out…” – Michael
Lillian tries to stop him, and Lillian backs into Viscera who hits her with a samoan drop! Geezus. They both stare confused at her – then Haas and Viscera start laughing!?! THERE’S THE SWERVE!
“And Haas gets a pop!” – Hernandez
She took that like a champ!
So back in the hotel bar… Edge and Lita have downed four or five mimosas. Concierge brings their key and they continue to booze it up. Go them.
Also in the back – here come the new Divas…. OOO TIME FOR NEW NAMES!
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:25
DX still ain’t here.
“And won’t show up at all!” – Eric
Hey… the Miz is here?! God I’ve never seen him before… I don’t like him!
And our Divas!
The Ethnic One!
Ten Dollar LapDance
Upset Because My Daddy Never Loved me
Sad Because My Daddy Loved me Too Much
So now here’s Jen who is here to kick ass – She is henceforth: Blondie McBimBim
Layla is going to work her butt off – She is: ScarySpice x2
Erica’s turn.. Bill cackles like an imbecile… She is ‘Daddy’s Lost Love’
Maryse can’t speak english… She is ‘Daddy DoubleLove’
Milena talks.. we’re not listening. She is: The Ethnic One!
And finally Rebecca and she sets the mic in her boobs.. then..
hits.. the divas with ink…?!? The hell? Ok she’s Nutty McCrackWhore
JT stands for – “Just Tits”- Bill
Finally Amy who is Stick O’LostCause.
Our winner? I predict ‘Just Tits’
So in the back – Shane is prepping. Here comes Hacksaw Jim Duggan to talk to Shane. Duggan’s upset with Shane… so Vince hits him with a chair out of nowhere. Shane follows up with his own. Nice.
“Kamala walks out.. shrugs…. leaves..” – Jenna
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:39
Orton comes out – he of course calls out Hogan…
Orton wants to introduce himself to Hogan as a legend killer.
Hey, here comes Val Venis!
“Brooke’s current boyfriend!” – Hernandez
Val climbs to the corner – and Orton THROWS him down. Val stands and eats the RKO.
WINNER: VAL VENIS
“Goooodbyyyyeeee laaaadiessss…” – Michael
“Was his entrance longer than his match?” – Jeffrey
Orton grabs the mic.
“Just one more thing… Hogan will be bringing Brooke to SNME this week…” – Orton
“ANd she’ll have a purse.” – Bill
“And I’ve been eating bran all week.” – Michael
In the hotel – they discuss Hogan for a moment, and here comes the room service.
“Saddest thing – that concierge… Dean Malenko.” – Me
Edge requests more stuff.
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:47
In the back Edge and Lita are eating food, and their extra food is back – hey – just kidding it’s Cena who runs in and throws him through every peace of breakable glass there!
“Where’s my champagne?@?!?! And where’d Lita go?” – Michael
“She’s in the panic room” – Bill
So Cena clocks him with the belt. That’s that.
Now the disembodied voice of Vince and Shane as Father & Son face against Eugene..
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:55
“Here comes the Monnnnnnnnneyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”
Shaney comes on down still in green slimed shirt.
“No Chance – That’s whatcha got!”
Vince struts his way down…
Vince has the microphone – Intoducing lean, mean, green… Eugene…
So here comes Eugene all green and beat up and upset.
“He’s coming down to the ring all hulked up.” – Me
Now before he gets to the ring, the Spirit Squad music hits. Shane goes and attacks Eugene and the bell rings.
SHANE & VINCE vs. EUGENE
Death to retards..
Shane beats the hell out of Eugene, throws him outside and Spirit Squad now beats down on Eugene. Vince makes sure we know this is no DQ. Shane goes and hits the big fists, dropping Eugene.
Shane knees him to the gut – a nice reverse DDT. Gets a two count as Eugene begins to Tard Up! Although Hulking up seems more appropriate today…
Shane eats some fists… eats the big boot and listens to the crowd a few times. Hits the rope and the Spirit Squad pulls him out and the kicks begin. Vince mocks the crowd.. ‘LAUGH AT HIM!’
“It’s not funny Vince.” – Bill
“Oh! Ha! No, it was umm.. that joke I was thinking of earlier..” – Michael
So the Spirit Squad now do the double toss up and down to Eugene.
They set Eugene up on the Edge-Table. Shane sets up to do the big spot, but the DX music hits!!!
At the top of the key, there stand Trips and Shawn. Shawn glances at his watch and apologizes to the audience quietly about being so late.
“What took you guys so long, we’ve been expecting you all night. Now is the time to come on down here?” – Vince
“You want us to come down there?” – Trips
“Yes, because the sniper has better range” – Michael
“Yes, it’s now or never” – Vince
“Right over here? Right in the middle?” – Trips
DX bounces back and forth on the top of the key as Vince obviously keeps looking up to the sky. Cute set-up. He again invites them t come down to the ramp..
“OH! Right.. in the middle! We’ll go to the middle.. before we come down there.” – Trips
“HOW NOW BROWN COWWWWW — NOW! DAMMIT… RIGHT NOW!” – Vince
So as they step forward – the net falls! Eugene runs in, rolls up Vince for three as DX laugh mockingly.
They continue to roll around the top of the key and laugh their asses off…
“Until Saturday, if you aren’t down with that.. we’ve got two words for ya…” – Trips
So what did the world think of the show?
“Shit. I’m not candy coating it.” – Jeffrey
“Mnymmeeammaaa” – Eric
“Couple of the matches were way too short.. I liked seeing Eugene as Hulk” – Nina
“We need more wrestlers to be pulled over” – Hernandez
“I can’t believe I stayed up for that” – Dani
“I can’t believe I drove an hour for that” – Michael
“It was like me… long and arduous.” – Bill
“The only thing I got out of it was Bill memorizing big words” – Jenna
And all that, and what did I think. It started fairly strong actually, but everything after the Flair promo wasn’t worth putting on television. So a half a good show tonight, I guess…. but I still like Edge as champion.
That’s that! Now it’s time for…
I don’t where Penny’s Candy is – but check back here, once I get it – it will be in this space
Other more fun things to read than me!
Walker Texas Ranger: Season One – Josh Clinton watched it, and thank god I didn’t.
Peaches Review by Gloomchen.. I didn’t know who Peaches are… now I do!
The 50 Club – One of my favorite features here at Inside Pulse.
Iain Burnside hits the comic world with the Anti-Nexus!
Curious George the game gets reviewed… who says we aren’t kids at heart.