Evening ladies and gents. I’m Tom Pandich here tonight for Monday Night Raw. Last Saturday at some sort of Main Event, Edge retained, Hogan got a beat down, and other shit happened. Tonight more DX, more Cena drama, and a #1 contender’s match for the IC title. Keep it tuned here all night for the results and instant recaps.
Hm, tonight’s going to be a long night I think. We start things off with a Degeneration X public service announcement. It’s a video package of the past month or so with DX getting several acts of depravity and jackassery over on Vince, Shane, and the Spirit Squad. DX comes down to the ring and we are live from San Antonio. The crowd seems to be rather happy that DX is here to “break it down”.
Triple H and Shawn Michaels first shill their shirts. They have a nice little conversation about how the new shirt and the old shirt can be bought at souvenir shops or at wweshop.com. Shawn can’t spit out wweshop.com, but it’s ok, he’s got a cheat sheet. Triple H says “easy Miz” to him. Great stuff.
Shawn is very concerned as Vince seems to be pissed off at DX. Hunter doesn’t see what they could have done to upset Vince so he takes an instant poll of the crowd. They seem to think that nothing is wrong with that so Shawn is a bit happier, but he still knows Vince is cheesed at him. Triple H talks about how Shane and Vince called them out tonight. Triple H flubs Shawn’s name saying calling him Shane. “It’s live tv, give me a break.” Shawn says that the crowd wouldn’t have any interest in seeing DX vs the McMahons. The crowd disagrees so Shawn and Triple H make the match. Can they do that?
Here comes Shane and Vince. Vince says he makes the rules and he’s got two words for them, Shane O’Mac! Vince makes Shane vs Shawn Michaels. Shane looks a little miffed about this, so he grabs a microphone. He allows Triple H to be in Shawn’s corner and the chairman of the board, Vincent Kennedy McMahon in Shane’s corner. Vince doesn’t look that happy as we are reminded of the six star classic tonight, John Cena vs Umaga later tonight. Commercials.
Slam of the Week brought to us by Just for Men hair coloring. It’s Carlito and that heartless Trish Stratus beating Melina and Nitro.
Carlito vs Shelton Benjamin: #1 Contender Match for the IC Title
Lillian is “hurt” this week and Todd Grisham is handling the announcing for tonight. Lock up to start and Shelton grabs Carlito with a headlock followed by a take down for two then an arm drag for two. Carlito gets up and gets an eye poke for two. Another roll-up for two. Shelton moves Carlito into the corner, tosses him into the opposite corner. Carlito runs up the top rope, backflips over, but eats a stiff sounding kick to the chin for two.
Shelton stays on top of Carlito who proceeds to fight up ducking a clothesline. He hits the ropes, Shelton ducks a clothesline, but gets launched and lands face first. Shelton puts a headlock on to Carlito who fights it off. Carlito hits the ropes and hits a springboard elbow for two. He tosses Shelton into the ropes but misses with the big boot. Shelton tries a spin kick, but Carlito ducks and tries for the back cracker. Carlito is pushed off, but tries for body scissors to transition into a roll up. Shelton holds on for a pinning combination and tries to grab the ropes. He can’t and Carlito gets the roll up, grabs the ropes, and wins!
Winner: Carlito Caribbean Cool
Would you care for a Saturday Night Main Event recap? I sure would so here’s a SNME recap. Cena fights Edge. Cena wins the title only not. Cena has to fight Umaga. Ick.
We’re back and that tramp Trish Stratus proceeds to flirt with Carlito. This week in wrestling history, the Fabulous Mula didn’t take her shirt off. She did lose clothing though, the women’s title which she had worn for twenty seven years!
Diva Tag Team Match with Diva Guest Ref
Usual suspects. Candice Michelle is the guest ref. Torrie starts out with Mickie James. Torrie scoop slams Mickie and is attacked by Victoria. Torrie is your dumb blond in peril. Victoria gets a tag in and works over Torrie. I fall asleep at the computer as Trish gets tagged in and transitions Mickie James wheelbarrow into a bulldog. She then tries to do the handstand head scissors to Victoria. Candice tosses Mickie with a bitch slap. Stratusfaction ends it.
We go from one segment of non-caring to another segment of not caring. Umaga and Armando are with Maria. Maria does her best to interview the two, but gets nothing but mean glares from Umaga. The one high point is Armando’s accent on John Cena makes it sound like Yawn Cena which couldn’t be further from the truth. Honestly, John Cena is intensity times 1000. Commercials.
We’re back and it’s Mick Foley. He’s in the WWE Studios making some cheap pops about him, Katie Couric, and the beautiful Melina. Mick Foley addresses Ric Flair and says he won’t give him a rematch at all. Short and sweet, yet it was pretty entertaining.
Lillian isn’t here this week because last week she got turned into a pancake. Maria is doing interview number two. She asks if they could explain their actions. They say they could, but they won’t.
On Smackdown Layla (the semi-black chick) won Diva Boot Camp. Tonight, someone else goes away! Huzzah.
WWE Magazine is on newsstands now. The Highlanders are on my tv now.
The Highlanders vs “Steel and Simpson”: Is it Heat yet?
I don’t recap squash matches. Headbutts abound. Robbie and Rory dominate and end it with the Scot Drop in about two minutes.
Winner: The Highlanders
Robbie and Rory want to win the tag titles. They challenge the Spirit Squad for the World Tag Team titles. They say they may wear kilts, but at least they have something underneath their kilts. Burrrrrrrrrrrrrn. Christ, another commercial and we’re not even halfway through the show.
I hate the All American Rejects. So it’s time for the diva search”¦ not next. Instead, the Highlanders run into DX. DX thinks it’d be a good idea to meet Vince McMahon. Of course he’s not in his office, but DX gives them helpful advice.
It’s Matt Striker. He’s in the ring with a chalkboard with Edge > Cena on it. Striker knows that there’s no way that they’ll understand this equation because it’s math in Texas. Well, here comes John Cena to figure out this conundrum. Striker tells Cena that Edge is greater then him and it has been mathematically proven. Cena grabs Striker’s pointer and calls him a stupid bastard. John Cena is here to kick somebody’s ass. Striker bails and here comes Umaga.
John Cena vs Umaga: Is this a match yet?
Cena beats the hell out of Umaga until Umaga throws Cena through a chalkboard which makes for a rather funny visual. The bell rings Umaga is all over Cena with his feared punchie/slammie offense. Man, I wish they’d bring back the Slammies. Anywho, Cena counters Umaga’s offense with a DDT. He tries for the STFU, but Umaga scrambles to the ropes. Cena is forced off of Umaga who runs over Cena with a clothesline.
Edge comes to the ring as Umaga hangs Cena in the corner. Umaga hits his silly diving headbutt. Cena fights off Umaga as he lands ass first in the corner. Cena runs outside to rush Edge on the entrance ramp. Umaga pulls Cena off of Edge and tosses him into the steel steps. Umaga heads to the top and misses the splash.
Cena is up and is a house of fire. He hits a few shoulder blocks, the throwback, the five knuckle shuffle, but no FU. Armando is up on the apron flipping out. Edge hits the ring but gets picked up for an FU. Umaga hits the big boot and follows it up with a Samoan spike for the win.
In the back, the Highlanders are with Vince McMahon. The comedy bit is relatively comedic even with the timed ass slap.
King Booker takes on Rey Mysterio in the Great American Storybook Bash this Sunday.
Bowflex gives us the WWE Rewind where Vince gets beat by a retard. Speaking of which, here comes Randy Orton in action.
Randy Orton vs Eugene: Still more entertaining then Days of Thunder
Orton punches Eugene with CLUBBING BLOWS, but eats a boot when he puts his head down. Eugene makes fun of Orton’s pose which causes Orton to open a can of whoop ass. RKO finishes it OUT OF NOWHERE! The RKO truly can hit at any point in the match no matter how poor the pacing was.
Winner: Randy Orton
Orton tells Eugene never to take advantage of the McMahons just like he’d never take advantage of Brooke. I wonder how many appliances Randy thinks about sticking into Brooke’s vagina. The over/under is twelve. Orton says his favorite hit is when he RKOed the Hulk on the trunk of his car which is funnier every time I see it. Apparently we are “moments away” from Shane/Shawn.
At the Great American Bash, the Undertaker will take on the Great Khali in a Punjabi Prison Match. Well there’s a lot of ways to make a tasteless joke about this. I’ll take the high road as Daviri won’t be at ringside. He’ll be in the back taking nude pictures with a bag on his head.
Foley is back. He wants to congratulate Melina on her great match last week on Raw. Foley also will never let Flair take him on again. He sings Michael Jackson.
Here comes Flair. He shows his match with Big Show from Tuesday and calls it an ass whooping and a half. He starts calling Foley fat. Here comes Nitro and Melina. Nitro and Melina are apparently good friends with Foley. Nitro says that he won’t get an answer from Foley, but he will get an answer from them. Nitro attacks Flair, Flair fights him off. Melina is up on the apron and falls twisting her ankle.
Diva shit is next.
Here comes the Miz. Hmmm. Rebecca probably looks the best this week. Who is gone? Not Layla. Damn affirmative action. Amy is eliminated and proceeds to throw thongs into the audience. Aww, group hug as she gets kicked out. Aww she’s crying. That’s a shame. Anywho, Diva dance-off next week.
In the back, Vince has a “I love cocks” sign on his back. Shane has a “Me too” sign on his back. Let’s move on to what is hopefully the final match commercial break of the night.
Shawn Michaels vs Shane McMahon: Can the McMahons please win this?
I know, I know. It’s Shawn’s hometown and all, but we seriously need some balance to this feud. Triple H asks if San Antonio is ready. We’re ready to suck it and also we’re down with it. Shane comes out dancing, but is a tad subdued. Ah hell. Commercials.
We’re back and Shane has Shawn in a sleeper hold. This doesn’t last it’s a belly to back side suplex. He dumps Shane while skinning the cat. Shawn fakes a cross body and lands on the apron. He does a back flip on to the Shane. Shane comes in and Shawn comes off the top rope eating a fist on the way down. Shane takes advantage of Shawn further when Vince gets up on the apron. Shane takes down Shawn with a diving elbow followed by a kip up. Inverted atomic drop and then Shane heads up top. Big elbow off the top and Shane tunes up the band.
The superkick is caught. Shane can’t reach Shawn with his punch. Shawn slams Shane-O-Mac and kips up. Inverted atomic drop. Punches. Scoop slam. Big elbow off the top. Shawn tunes up the band, but Vince grabs his leg. Triple H chases Vince off, and the Spirit Squad hits the ring.
Winners by DQ: DX
The Spirit Squad takes out Shawn. Triple H hits the ring, but is taken out by a low blow. Triple H is tossed into the steel steps. Spirit Squad tries the Spirit Drop on Shawn Michaels, but he lands on his feet. He fights them off for a few moments before getting taken down and dropped with a Spirit Drop. Shane heads outside to grab a chair. He decks Triple H with it before heading into the ring. It looks like they’re going to try for a second Spirit Drop across two chairs. Triple H is up with his sledgehammer. He hits the ring and takes out two members of the Spirit Squad. Shawn is up decking guys right and left with a chair. Degeneration X has thwarted the beat down!
That’s the show, see you all for ECW and then around the pulse for other stuff this week.