Slayer's Sports and Stuff!

Much like a special DVD, this column has an official trailer. It’s at On the Offense. Is it me or is he getting really amazing with that photoshop thing?

SLAYER’S SPORTS AND STUFF

Hi Everybody! Welcome to Season IV of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff! My god, has it been that long….anyway, I’ll be with you from here alllllllllllllllllllllll the way till about Mid-January. As usual, this column will mainly follow the incredible journey that some of us call a college football season, while gabbing about other sports, as well as the usual extra stuff and random anecdotes about a variety of topics that may include but not exclude things like music, games, lesbian S&M porn reviews, how to make an effective hallucinogenic using basic household items, and whatever else happens to be on my mind at the time I write this column. You can tell it’s been a while due to that last run-on sentence. But have no fear Grammar Nazis, these things shall work themselves out as the weeks roll along. But, it has been a while now. Haven’t seen any of you since my special coverage of the Olympics. And before I start rolling, I would like to talk about something… personal… if I may….

It’s about THIS COLUMN. See, ever since I started this damn thing, I always tried to use my little corner of cyberspace to simply gab a little about sports and have a little fun. However, I think over the years the column has somewhat digressed. Yes, the sports coverage in this column is still top notch. But I think I’ve been having too much fun with it and not really taking this too seriously. I’m not saying I don’t encroach serious topics. We’ve gabbed about racism, rape, even murder in this column and in the proper tone in which these topics deserved to be addressed. But it seems my writing would become erratic, more estranged from the regular sports fan… and some weeks, just plain psychotic. And I will admit, I have written this column when drunk… and yes, have written this column the “other type of drunk” as well. I have also gotten lax with my grammar as well as behave in ways that would be deemed unprofessional. I want to say that for all of you who watched my column regress into a sports article for kindergarten kids, I apologize. And this year, I will make more of an effort to maximize the clarity of this column as well as do my best to make this column as professional as my ability allows.

I will also be using this column to create what is called “communicative writing”. This is when the writer uses a writing style to communicate with the reader, almost as if the reader would talk back. It creates for a wonderful two way relationship between reader and writer however, I hear it is very difficult to achieve and works only with the most careful and mindful of syntax. Let’s try it out though.

Hi, I’m Slayer!

How have you been?

Really?

That’s nice…..

Wow!

oh my….

that’s awesome…

.aww that sucks, man….

yeah, well you know….

that’s great man, we’ll do Starbucks one day.

I think that worked out well. I really feel we made a significant breakthrough. Now, you know a little more about me, I know a little about you and we could probably move on with our lives and even more importantly, this column. But one more thing, Has anyone else noticed that women aren’t really wearing spandex anymore? When jogging or exercising, they used to wear some bright colored tight spandex outfit that would completely expose every creavse of their boobs and but… and make them real shiny too! But alas, they are all wearing t-shirts and sweat pants now. What happened? Did it get too expensive? Is there some sort of anti-trend going on? Are girls just wearing clothes now for the sake of being comfortable?

Like, it went from this…..

1505 is hot! So is 1342… and even the mysterious unnumbered one……

And this…..

And even this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to this……………..

Man, I miss spandex… the colors, the beauty… and just the fact what when you make out with a woman in spandex, it’s just so f*cking smooth. But alas, it’s gone… but it will make a comeback….

When the mistress gets a hold of this column… I am so dead…… ah well, it was well worth it.

So, assuming for a brief moment that this is a sports column, we are now known what is called the Dog Days of Summer. A bizarre time for sports. Sure, tennis and golf are in full swing (hahahahahaha) and auto racing is in fifth gear (ikilleme) and maybe even a few of you have a baseball team (or two) in contention. But all together, this is one of the slower months in sports. Not as slow as February, but quite possibly the second slowest month next to February. Of course, we’re not counting the first week of February which the Super Bowl has sneakily moved into these past few years (just how did they do that without anyone noticing), but those other three weeks of February. And you all know about those three weeks of February. No baseball, no football, the NHL and NBA (in theory) are having their listless all-star breaks, and the only thing really going on is College Hoops and Poker. And I don’t know if Poker is a sport or not nor do I care. All I know is that many sports fans tend to navigate toward poker like a monk to a succubus. And don’t get all offended by the analogy, I just think succubus is a cool word and I use it any chance I can get. Which of course brings us to the next point of order. What the hell was this paragraph supposed to be about? This has got to be the worst paragraph I ever written in my entire life. And now look; I’m writing about how bad my paragraph is, my god, the paragraph is just getting worse and worse. That’s it, I’m ending this paragraph right now!

Whew! This column almost got completely got out of hand.

You know. There is something refreshing about a baseball game on a hot summer. Makes you feel alive and all Americana. So, with that said, I think it is time for the very first installment of the……

2006 MLB DEATH LIST
How this works: I basically name every team that of this point in the season will NOT make the post-season… Let’s get rolling.

BALTIMORE BIRDIES
Another strong start, another mid-summer death. The ownership has put the FAITH in Leo Mazzone and the spin is that he needs onnnnneeeeeeeee more off-season to work on the arms. When your best pitcher is Eric Bedard, you got your work cut out for you.. Also, if I may make a recommendation, work on that offense too. Tejada aside, it’s a bunch of 260 power hitters, not gonna cut it in the AL East which despite the power players all over the board, it takes actually small ball to win in that division. Not putting Tejada back in the picture, he’s on the trading block and it’s doubtful he will still be on the team by the time July finishes. So who wants him. My money is on the… Astros… I don’t know why, it’s just the only team I can see him fitting in without causing chaos in the lineup. COME BACK PETER GAMMONS!!!!!!! WEEEEEE NEEEEEEEEEEEEED YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WEEEEEEEEEEENEEEEEDYOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!

ST. PETERSBURG DEVIL RAYS
Congratulations! You will now have another losing season! You never had a winning season in your existence, and you won’t in the near future. I mean seriously, you are in the AL EAST next to FOUR of the biggest and most popular baseball markets in the world. What did you think you could do for 20 million? It’s decision time folks. Start investing into a real baseball team, sell the team to somebody will, or just fold. Preferably, option b, because I am a hopeless romantic and I don’t like to see any team fold. Yeah, yeah, I know. You stole a good pitcher from the Mets with an awesome trade. That’s one position filed. 24 to go! (any bets he gets traded for prospects? Hahahahaha)

CLEVELAND INDIANS
What the hell happened to these guys? What was with all the Jason Johnson drama when they should have been focused on winning games? This was supposed to be a competitive year, but they are now dead and are already making preparations for 2007. There is talent all over this ballclub though. Next time folks, when building a competitive team, build up the starting rotation FIRST, then the bullpen AFTER. It’s good advice. My dentist gave it to me.

KANSAS CITY ROYALS
Congratulation on yet another early death!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’re not even worth my time, so I’ll write the same thing I wrote last year with one minor correction. You have now completely turned one of the greatest baseball towns in the last fifty years into a cesspool of apathy. Don’t blame it on the Yankees, don’t blame it on the System, don’t blame it on the Man, and don’t blame it on the Game, blame it on YOU! Yes, it’s all your fault. Four Five years ago, all your young stars (Beltran, Dye, Damon, etc) came to YOU and said they had the makings of a good team, they liked Kansas City, and they were all willing to give the ownership “hometown discounts.” And YOU blew them off. That’s the real story. Enjoy your grave.

The AL West is currently in a clusterf*ck. For more info, read on.

WASHINGTON NATS (and why I didn’t pick an AL West Team)
Oh man, are we gonna have another D.C perennial cellar dweller for the next two decades? Anyway, they are pressing the History Eraser Button and completely starting over. Oh man, it’s gonna be a long 20 years for D.C. baseball fans… if such a thing exists. With that said? Alfonso Soriano!!! Who wants him! The pundits are saying Seattle Mariners which is what’s keeping them off the death list this week. But don’t be surprised if the Yankees sneak in and snag him back.

CHICAGO CUBS
The other week, Mark Prior and Derek Lee cam beack to be the Cubbie’s savior… and nothing happened. They are about back up the truck in Wrigley and they will probably begin to trade away their descent bullpen to contenders dying for some middle relief. Unless their farm system pumps put some good starting pitching very soon, it could be a while before this team straightens out. With that said, congrats of making the July death list officially ending whatever “run” you had.

PITTSBURGH PIRATES
Deader then dead. Worst team in baseball right now. Horrible ownership. Pretty stadium though. And believe it or not, there is loads of talent on this team including Feddy Sanchez, Ronny Paulino, Sean Casey, Jason Bay, and some good bullpen pitching including Mike Gonzalez and Roberto Hernandez. Will they be patient and build around this young core of players or will they blow it all up and sell them off? Probably the latter but that’s why they are the Pirates folks and that’s why they die off in May every year.

LA DODGERS
I picked this team in the clusterf*ck of the mediocre teams known as the NL West. Why? I don’t know… why not? It’s actually probably the closest thing the NL West has to a complete team. And they are two small trades and one big trade away from being legitimate. But f*ck it, they’re dead.

If you got dumber by reading this column, feel free to go and read Steve Price and his beautiful words of wisdom

God Bless Everyone, see ya next week.

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