Typical night of Raw folks. The card looks bad, and I have shit to do that I should have finished over the weekend. Yep, I’m half assing it tonight folks. So what am I half assing? Well I’ll be half assing the re-match for the #1 Contendership for the IC title between Shelton and Carlito since we’ve seen it and short of a run in by Nitro, we know how it’s going to play out. I quarter ass it when the Highlanders are involved. I’m certainly half assing it when Hogan is involved. I promise I’ll use my whole ass for DX and Flair/Foley though as they’re always good for a laugh. Ok, keep it here all night and you’ll be treated to some mediocre recapping and some mediocre wrestling!!!
First time in a while that we start out with the Raw theme and fireworks. We’re live Cleveland, Ohio. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are here to commentate. The speakers ask if we’re ready? The audience explodes as Shawn Michaels comes out. Triple H is no where to be seen. Did Stephanie pop today?
Shawn starts things off talking about the “prank” they pulled on the McMahons, the one that Stephanie had gone into labor. Life imitates arts it seems as Stephanie McMahon is in labor. Vince and Shane are at the hospital right now, but so is Triple H. Apparently Triple H has an inside scoop about the pregnancy. Shawn thinks that Triple H knows who the father is!!! Anyways, Shawn is going to have twice the fun.
Coachman’s music hits and lord is it awful. The Coach comes down with a cell phone and says he has Vince on speed dial. Shawn snatches the phone out of Jonathan Coachman’s hand and has a nice little chat with Vince. Shawn Michaels says hi to Vince and he says that Cleveland has two words for Vince. “No, they didn’t say that, they said hi”. Shawn tells Vince that they probably don’t like that type of language in the hospital.
Vince asks for Jonathan Coachman back on the phone and proceeds to dick around with him. Shawn wonders if Vince asked about him. Coach says no, but Vince did mention Shawn. Shawn’s got a match tonight against the fearsome”¦ Jonathan Coachman! Shawn rolls on the canvas with laughter as the Coach looks despondent.
A brief recap of SNME is shown. Orton hits the RKO on the hood. Hogan is here tonight. Commercials.
The Spirit Squad vs the Highlanders: Hot shot already?
Lillian Garcia is back this week. Mikey and Kenny will be defending the tag championship. Nice to know that there the tag championships can be challenged for and a title shot can be given the next week.
Kenny starts things out with Rory. Kenny starts things off strong against Rory but gets dropped by Rory. Quick tag to Mikey, and he gets an early advantage over Rory briefly only to be scoop slammed. Robbie gets a tag and the Highlanders mount both Spirit Squad members in the corner for the ten punches and a kilt yuck.
Mikey and Kenny are both in the ring still as Robbie is still in the ring. They get the advantage over Robbie who becomes your face IN PERIL. Robbie finally gets the tag to put the heels IN PERIL! Robbie and Rory dominate. They try for the Scot Drop before getting raped by the Spirit Squad. Ref doesn’t see it and the Spirit Squad gets the win.
Winners: The Spirit Squad
We’re with Mick Foley. He makes fun of Ric Flair calling him a fat boy. Foley goes after Flair as now he’s trying to be a circus sideshow dropping himself on thumbtacks and pulling out clichés. Foley then proceeds to say that he is going to show up in New Jersey next week to beat the hell out of Flair because he went after poor defenseless Melina. Commercials.
This week in wrestling history, Ric Flair fought Terry Funk in a brawl at the 1989 Great American Bash. Gary Hart turned the match as he tossed in a branding iron while Flair had strapped in the Figure Four. Funk busted Flair open and nearly had him until he went for the spinning toe hold only to be cradled by Flair who got the victory. Flair was then attacked by the Great Muta who sprayed him with the green mist. Flair was helped by Sting to fend off the attack. I have to say Flair with blood on one side of his face and mist on the other side of his face was and still is one of the coolest visuals in wrestling history ever.
Flair comes down to ringside saying he wants Foley to be half the man Flair is every day. He wants Foley in a fight, but here comes Edge who is cocky and pissy. Edge distracts Flair saying that he’s the new man before Nitro attacks from behind. The two eventually get the advantage over Flair before Cena hits the ring clearing house.
In the back, it’s Trish and Carlito. Carlito speaks some moon language to Trish forgetting she’s Canadian and would speak French moon language rather then Spanish moon language. After Carlito’s match, they’ll hang out. Matthew Michaels doesn’t know despite being very clearly here only because he had a superior raft to sail to Florida then his other fellow Mexicans. Of course, it’d make more sense for him to cross the boarder then to sail, but he’s not the brightest piñata in this racist paragraph. Anywho, commercials.
We’re back and Coach wants out of his match. Edge wants his problems to be addressed. Tonight, Nitro and Edge against Flair and Cena. “Johnnie Metro?” Edge is the king.
Todd Grisham comes out to congratulate Stephanie McMahon on the birth of Aurora Rose McMahon at just a hair over eight pounds, three of those pounds almost certainly being nose. Matt Hardy was seen at the hospital to be jobbed to Aurora after her nap.
Carlito vs Shelton Benjamin: Rematch of the Night!
Carlito gets a quick two with a roll up. Carlito hits a drop kick for two again. Carlito puts his head down but gets it kicked. Shelton tries for a suplex, it’s blocked. Carlito counters trying to suplex Shelton to the floor, but he lands on the apron. Shelton guillotines Carlito getting the advantage. This is followed up by a quick toss into the ring post.
Shelton continues with his offense and uses an arm bar take down for two. He picks Carlito up who is dazed but not confused. Carlito hits a standing hurricanerana and then hits the ropes with a springboard elbow. Carlito hits another drop kick and heads up top. Benjamin leap frogs to the top rope, but gets pushed off. Carlito comes down but gets caught in an arm bar. Carlito teases tapping before fighting his way over to the ropes.
Carlito is up but dazed. Carlito proceeds to get a drop kick on Shelton. Carlito tries for a backcracker but Shelton blocks it. Shelton is happy with himself before taking an eye poke followed by a backcracker. Carlito gets two as Shelton gets a foot on the ropes. Carlito argues with the ref as Shelton tries to remove the turnbuckle cover. Carlito puts a stop to that as he drops Shelton and proceeds to try and remove the turnbuckle cover for himself. The ref sees this and tries to stop it. Shelton charges and Carlito hits the top rope and backflips over him. The ref is caught between the turnbuckle and Shelton. Carlito tries to roll up Shelton, but eats a low blow to the Aurora maker. Shelton rolls him up for the win.
Winner and New #1 Contender: Shelton Benjamin
Divas danced on Smackdown. Bleh.
Here comes Hulk Hogan. The WWE Rewind was of Hogan getting RKOed”¦ again. Hogan doesn’t look nearly as bad as I thought he’d look. Then again, he’s got that TV show to look good for. Hogan pulls a by the numbers promo. Orton interrupted Hogan “right here on the Main Event”. Randy Orton has no respect either for the tradition of this business or all those Hulkamaniacs. Guess what Terry, most smarts don’t have any respect for those Hulkamaniacs either. Respect, blah blah blah. Orton comes out to maybe make things interesting. Hah, I kid.
Orton comes out to talk about Brooke, not to fight Hogan. Blah blah blah. Orton never says that he wants to rape Brooke with a rusty plumber snake. Hogan wants to take on Orton right now. Orton drops the microphone and spends quite some time trying to get into the ring, even slapping the King once. Jerry Lawler tosses Orton in who eats two punches and then proceeds to bail before the big boot. What a compelling and not shit promo. Commercials.
WWE Slam of the Week was the woman’s tag match. I hope to all that is good and holy they’re not building to Candice Michelle/Mickey James at Summerslam.
Mickey James vs Candice Michelle: Non-title match
Mickey James goes after Candice fast and hard taking her down and kicking her in the sternum. Mickey slaps on a headlock meaning the diva match is half over. Candice fights up but gets put right back down. James runs her into the corner and hits a few shoulder blocks. Mickey puts her on the top rope and proceeds to get distracted. Candice goes into the bad part of an electric chair, but she puts Mickey in a rear naked choke with her legs (think a tarantula with the legs not hooked). Candice goes to the top and hits a cross body only to be rolled over.
Winner: Mickey James
Jonathan Coachman vs Shawn Michaels: Hopefully, no shenanigans.
Is there any DX match these days that doesn’t involve shenanigans at some point? Tonight, playing the part of Triple H, playing the part of Michael Buffer is Shawn Michaels. He gets almost to the suck it part, but Coach interrupts him. Coach enters the ring cautiously. Shawn rolls out and gets a diving cap.
Shawn beats Coach in the corner and then proceeds to pants him. Eye poke by Coach gives him his only offense of the match. Shawn starts his moves of doom. Elbow hits and here comes the Spirit Squad. Shawn dumps four and hits the Sweet Chin Music n Mikey. Superkick and Shawn looks like he’s going to win. Here comes Umaga though. Umaga launches Shawn catches him with a Samoan drop. The Spirit Squad wants to mess up Shawn some more but Umaga chases them out. Umaga hits the Samoan Spike.
Winner by DQ Shawn Michaels
Shawn is writhing in pain as we go to commercial.
We’re back and its Umaga replay time. Jerry Lawler thinks this is Vince’s doing. In the back, John Cena is with Maria.
Maria looks ravishing as usual. Cena makes a Cleveland Steamer joke and says that Edge is PG-13. Cena says that Lita is NC-17, no cold sores for 17 days. Cena then goes after Orton, Umaga, Carlito’s hair, Nitro, and everyone. Cena is rambling like a madman in what started as sort of gross and came around to be pretty funny. Tonight, one thing is sure, he’s got Ric Flair as a partner and they’re going to kick ass. Cena does his marine salute and does a “call me” gesture to Maria.
The King hung out with the Cleveland Indians and tossed a terrible pitch. It’s Diva time. Christ, the Miz looks gayer then a Siegfried and Roy month long appearance in San Francisco. Melina won the diva dance off, but she doesn’t have immunity. Maryse is eliminated. Diva musical chairs is on Smackdown this week. Jen, Erica, and Rebecca look hot as hell. My guess is JT, Layla, or Jen gets cut next week.
Umaga will take on Shawn Michaels next week. Main event time.
Nitro and Edge vs Cena and Flair: The reverse of awesome
I’ve got to tell you. I feel absolutely nothing for this match. I don’t dislike the pairing. I’m just so indifferent about this match. Heels pop out first. Flair comes out next, and a replay of how this match congealed pops up. Finally Cena comes out and everyone loves Cena.
Flair starts things off with Nitro. Nitro moves Flair to the corner, but dodges the first blow. Chop city population Nitro. Johnny Nitro gets a tag. Edge gets chopped. Cena hits the ring, and the heels get dumped. Commercials.
We’re back and Cena is in peril!?!? During the break, Edge took over. Both are in the ring still with Cena getting completely worked over with a series of chokes in the corner while the ref’s back is turned. Nitro stomps away in the corner and tosses Cena into the opposite corner. Cena dodges and Nitro hits hard. Cena makes the tag and Flair takes over.
Ric Flair beats down Nitro. Nitro eats a chop block and here’s the figure four. It’s locked on for a few seconds before Edge breaks it up. Cena charges but Edge dumps him. Spear to Flair and the pin is broken up by Cena. When the chaos clears, it’s Nitro and Edge in the ring. Nitro beats the hell out of Flair before Flair mounts some chops. Nitro takes over though and gets a tag to Edge. Edge and Nitro hit a double spinning elbow, and Flair rolls outside followed by Nitro. Nitro slams Flair into the guard rail before rolling him back in.
Edge works over Flair in the corner. Flair tries to fight back, but his chops are shrugged off. Flair gets tossed hard into the opposite corner and flops. Edge pops up on to the second rope, but comes down into a chop by Flair. Hot tag to Cena and he cleans house. Cena goes for his “you can’t see me” fist drop, but gets decked by Edge with a chair. Nitro covers, but Cena kicks out at two. Nitro attempts a snapshot which is reversed into an STFU. Edge tries to break it, but Flair holds him and Nitro submits.
Winners: Ric Flair and John Cena
The show ends with Ric Flair and Cena in the center of the ring. Tomorrow night Kane/Big Show for the ECW title. See you Wednesday.
