THE CROWD GETS BIGGER
THE HOUSE GETS SMALLER
REMAINS A CONSTANT
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Here we are the day after the Great American Blah! None of us saw it, because we all knew better. Anyway, there is a new six time six time six time world champion in Booker T, and everything else is all about the injuries. All of that and MORE can be heard on Wednesday’s RabbleCast. ((Cheap Plug))
Anyway let’s get to tonight’s RabbleRousers:
Bill – Just a Clerk
Jenna – A Mallrat like no other
Mikey – He used to be Chasing Amy
Nina – but then we found Mikey’s Dogma in her
Eric – The only guy we know that looks he could Strike Back
Jeffrey – Just a regular ol’ Jersey Girl
Hernandez – Of course, Clerks II…
And I, the clown that gets anally raped, you Vulgar The Clown, James Hatton….
Now onto the show!
Life from Cleaveland, Ohio!
“The mistake by the lake!” – Me
“They’ve doubled their population for the night” – Mikey
STUPID SIGN OF THE NIGHT: Edge, is Lita your sister?
HEY! Here comes DX!
Here comes Shawn though! Where’s Trips?
“Steph’s in labor.. in the bus..” – Hernandez
Shawn comes down in the new DX shirt and the quesiton is will Hunter.. yes, that’s the drama we really give a shit about – will Triple H come down in a DX shirt. Shawn though looks ready to talk, and the mic tells us it’s time to talk…
“As many of you may know, a few weeks ago, Triple H and myself pulled a little bit of a prank on the McMahons. We told him that one Stephanie McMahon got into labor, and well that was a lie. Life often imitates art, because at this very moment, Stephanie McMahon is in a hospital in Stamford, CT giving birth to her first child.
Joining at their side is her father, Vincent K McMahon. Her brother, Shane McMahon. Also, little knownst to them is that my partner in crime, Triple H is in the hospital with them. He knows something about this pregnancy thing, between you and me, I think he knows who the father is.
So although we only have Degeneration X tonight, I promise to deliver twice the excitement.”
So here comes Jonathan Coachman…?
So Coach would hate to burst Shawn’s bubble, but since the McMahons aren’t here – Shawn will NOT run amuk! Why? Because Coach is charge.
“No Way!” – Nina
“WAY!” – Bill
Coach has Vince on speed dial – so Shawn gets on the phone with him! Shawn gives him tips on lamaaz and Shawn goes for some visual shenanigans all over Coach, following him around with the cell phone.
Shawn has a match tonight agaaaainnnnsssttt…. of course… Coach.
Shawn gives the deadpan stare to the audience to a thunderous crowd before cackling madly including rolling around the mat. Giving Coach the crotch chops WHILE laughing… funny bit, as expected.
“Funniest five minutes of tv… ever” – Jeffrey
We get a flash to Sat. Night’s Main Event – RKO ONTO THE CAR!
So tonight – Hulk Hogan will be here…
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:12
Now it’s time for the tag title match!
Here comes the Spirit Squad!
“For the first time since they won the damn belt..” – Eric
Seems it’s going to be Mikey and Kenny.
Versus the Rabble’s favorites…. THE HIGHLANDERS!
SPIRIT SQUAD vs. THE HIGHLANDERS!
“You know they are going to be broken up too..” – Hernandez
“NO!?” – Me
“There can be only one..” – Hernandez
“..you walked into that..” – Hernandez
Kenny in the ring with Rory – a lock up and a slam down from Kenny – and then Kenny throws him to the corner, which doesn’t hurt him at all. Kenny bails to tag. Mikey runs in kick to the face of Rory – but Rory doesn’t feel it – textbook slam to Mikey.
Tags in Robbie – and then slams him onto Mikey.
“Shades of the Quebeckers there!” – Mikey
They throw both to the corner – the ‘Landers climb up to the top turnbuckles and throw them under the kilts. There is a fight out in the corner and Robbie gets tossed into Mikey and eats a flying cross body. They toss out Rory and double clothesline drops him.
Robbie gets beaten around for a bit – finally catching a reverse neckbreaker and a hot tag to Rory hits the polish hammer to clean house! Finally Rory hits a chokeslam backbreaker – kind of cool although a touch sloppy.
In runs Robbie – Scot Drop set up, but one of the Spirit Squad blocks the ref from seeing the other Squad members charging in and beating the Highlanders down. Mikey hits a Roll Of The Dice.. and That – Is – That!
WINNERS UNTIL SUMMERSLAM: THE SPIRIT SQUAD
Mick Foley Promo!!!!!! Like I’ve said before – they are so good, find em on You Tube.
Short Version: Mick thinks Ric is old and has nothing left to offer.
“HAVE A NICE DAY!” – Me
Also, Mick will be showing up at Raw next week… as a note, I’ll be there, so no Rabble next week.
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:23
THIS WEEK IN WRESTLING HISTRORY – Juloy 23, 1989
Ric Flair defeated Terry Funk (with Gary Hart) – Flair hits the figure four and gets hit with a branding iron! Funk hits a vicious pile driver and goes for the spinning toe hold, but it’s countered into an inside cradle – counter reversed into a win for Flair! Muta runs down – beat down ensues… Sting runs down..
“SURFER STING!” – Hernandez
“CHRISTMAS FLAIR!” – Mikey
So here comes Ric time…
“Promo Promo Promo… can we have wrestling?” – Mike
Ric wants to know if Foley saw what he did to his hero Terry Funk..
“Just now? Ric thinks that match JUST HAPPENED?” – Me
“He jumps in time everytime he blinks” – Hernandez
Hey and he is interrupted by Edge! The World Champ…
“And other half of the Hardcore championship?” – Bill
Lita wearing a corset with cutoff overtop – and I must say – she looks mighty ok tonight!
Edge has had enough with Flair though… he’s not going to listen to it anymore. As Edge is talking him down – JOhnny Nitro runs in and there is a double beatdown on Flair.
“THE NEW BROOD!” – Hernandez
And here runs in John Cena!
“AND HE TACKLES RIC FLAIR! SHIT WRONG GUY!” – Hernandez
So at the top of the key – we have Edge, Nitro, Melina, and Lita…
In the back – Carlito and Trish are discussing apple-eating. He then whispers hot little spanish things into his ear…
“Donde esta la bibliotecha?” – Me
“IN MI PANTALONES!!!” – Mikey
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:35
In the back Coach is on the phone, upset. Edge interruptus! He feels slighted by the run in by John Cena. Edge has the championship… it spins. Yes he said it!
Coach gets off the phone and Vince has a message.
“You also have to face me tonight..” – Me
A tag team match tonight though – Edge & Nitro vs. Flair & Cena
“Coach didn’t tell Vince any of that.. how did he know?” – Mike
Todd comes out to congrat Stephanie McMahon just delivered a baby girl…
“There goes THAT dynasty!” – Eric
“It’s name is MoneyBucks McMahon-Helmsley..” – Me
Hey, here comes Shelton Benjamin…
“With his $500 shirts.” – Mikey
“$50 max…” – Mike
“He borrowed it from the Rock.” – Mikey
This though is a rematch against Carlito, but not for the IC #1 Contender spot…
“Hey it’s this match again” – Bill
CARLITO vs. SHELTON
Okie dokie.. sure.. we know they can perform..
Carlito runs in for the roll up for two.
Inside cradle for two.
Kick to Shelton’s gut – hits the ropes – a boot to his face – a knee lift – a hard clothesline.. and JR REFERENCES MR. WRESTLING II!?!?!??!?!
So Carlito hits a botched dropkick but turns it into a standing dropkick. They fight for a suplex on the ropes – Shelton leaps outside and wrings his arm on the ropes – tosses him into the cornerpost, and now Shelton’s on top. Solid match, as expected.
They get back into the middle of the ring – Carlito attempts to throw him into the ropes, but hits a single arm DDT for a two count.
Shelton wrings the arm – and Carlito fights out of it – pops Shelton in the eye, but charges Carlito – CARLITO HITS A STANDING HURRICANRANA!
Now they are in the midst of the ring for the beatdown, Carlito comes out on top with the Carlito facebuster… he hits the second rope and the back elbow for two.
Tosses Shelty into the corner and runs into his feet. Shelton hits the rope and eats a dropkick! Carlito now heads up to the top rope! SHelton though does a standing leap to the top rope – Carlito throws him down.
“Shelton made it up!!!” – Hernandez
Carlito leaps! Catches him in a BIG armlock!
“THE WHAMMY BAR!” – Mikey
“Was that a Van Hammer reference?” – Me
“No…. a Man Mountain Rock reference..” – Mikey
“Kill yourself” – Me
Shelton lifts up Carlito for a powerbomb, but Carlito slides out of it into a roll-up. Back on their feet, out of nowhere Shelty gets hit with the backcracker!!! Shelty gets his leg on the ropes for two.
Shelty goes and removes the corner turnbuckle! Shades of oldschool… Shelton gets back body dropped, and then CARLITO finishes removing it. Shelton drops Carlito and has to spin him around for a monkeyflips him into the ref – WHICH HE MISSES THE SPOT… Shelton charges in – and Carlito does the TALL moonsault with the most amazing height, although he was supposed to land in for a donkey kick – followed by a roll-up from Shelton and the win.
A hot spot set-up for the ending, even though it was botched up.
WINNER: SHELTON BENJAMIN
Hey a Diva Danceoff….
“They give this too much airtime.” – Eric
“We could have had a Golddust match…” – Hernandez
So Milena has the conch this week. ..woo?..
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:52 – Hogan is coming next..
“I got here just in time for Hulk Hogan?” – Dani
“Yeah… you should go back to work” – Hernandez
Here comes Hogan!
“..more Bullshit..” – Jenna
“Eugene?” – Bill
“Do you think maybe Hogan just hates people named Randy…” – Me
“Beee a maaaan Hulk” – Hernandez
“Think Brooke will do a cover of a Randy Savage song?” – Bill
The song loops around a second time… finally ending 1.5 in
“Who gets the longer opening.. Hogan or Trips?” – Dani
“Hogan, but he still has to wear a 9 year old girl’s sunglasses..” – Bill
..apparently..there are a bunch of crazy hulkamaniacs in cleveland…
“OH MY LEG!” – Hernandez
See Randy Orton is in trouble..
“I had him arrested for statutory rape..” – Bill
“Oh my voicebox” – Hernandez
Hogan references his feud with Randy Orton’s father… and when the dust settled..
“Randy Orton was concieved.” – Bill
“No, his grandfather was dead…” – Hernandez
When Orton gets in the ring, Hogan is goin to make sure he learns what respect means..
“Is he reading this from the inside of his sunglasses?” – Hernandez
Hey – Orton’s here. They banter, and Orton flubs his promo… which gives people a chance to cheer for Hogan.
“They are flooding in that chanting..” – Hernandez
“Are they putting in this bad promo?” – Me
Hogan wants to do this thing right now – he’s got his gear on..
“He sleeps in his gear..” – Hernandez
“He can’t bend over to take it off” – Mikey
Randy creeps to the ring like a cat…
“Like a cat who shits in your shoes” – Me
Orton circles around the ring a few times, gets up to the ropes and then as Hogan steps near him he bails.
“The neighbor’s dog does the exact same thing.” – Me
Finally Lawler THROWS Randy into the ring.
“So the King wants a piece of that Brooke action?” – Dani
Hogan hits once.. hits twice… goes for the boot and Randy bails, thusly saving that whole bit til Summerslam. ..umm…rah?
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 10:07
Here comes Candice in a shiny lil number with a big white robe… not bad.. not bad at all…
“What is that?” – Dani
“Red Sonja’s armor..” – Bill
Now we have Mickey James in a standard brown ensemble.. nothing interesting there.
Mickey runs in – thesz press her – stands up and kicks her square in the gut.
“ABORTION KICK” – Hernandez
Pulls Candice’s hair a bit – snapmares her down and a headlock.
“Does anyone believe Candice could win this?” – Dani
Candice fights out of it – but Mickey just punches her once and she drops. Mickey charges her right into the corner – shoulder checks. Hefts her up to the top turnbuckle – slaps her square in the face and climbs up after her.
“She keeps her pimp hand strong” – Mikey
Candice tries to fight her way out – and then wraps her legs around Mickey and drops down, like a strange weak Tarrantula. Candice hits the top rope – flying crossbody for a rollover from Mickey for the win.
WINNER: MICKEY JAMES
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:15
Here comes Shawn! Skipping to the ring!
Shawn grabs the mic first….
“I was doing ok, but Coach is messing with my pyro, that’s not cool. Tonight, playing the part of Triple H playing the part of Michael Buffer will be yours truly Shawn Michaels…. so Are You Ready????” etc etc etc
“LILLIAN GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!” – Bill
So before Shawn can finish up – Coach interrupts him! How mean…
COACH vs. SHAWN MICHAELS
The bell rings and Shawn goes under the time keeper table to come back with a black skindiver’s cap on???
Shawn punches Coach in the corner – sizes him up – kisses him then drops him. Shawn then pants Coach and hits him again. Coach hits him with a thumb in the eye – he throws Shawn to the ropes and eats a flying crossbody and a kick up. Inverted atomic drop. Another fist. A bodyslam.
Shawn hits the flying elbow… now he tunes up the band…. bu here comes the Spirit Squad!
Shawn clears house on them – and who needs the Highlanders?? Ending in one of them taking the superkick.
Now it’s time for Coach to eat the kick….
J E S U S —-SMACKOLA!—- and Coach is DROPPED!
Standing behind Shawn runs in Umaga! He throws him up – SAMOAN DROP!
The Spirit Squad runs in to help, but Umaga clears THEM TOO! He stands over Shawn..
“..and THIS is where the hyena deficates on his kill making it undesirable for other predators” – Mikey
And then the thumbpoke of death…
“Who was the last one to do that move?” – Mikey
“..Meng?” – Mike
WINNER VIA DQ: SHAWN MICHAELS
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:29
Maria’s on in a cute sparkley blue number.. she wins. She talks to John Cena and gets confused… awwww…
“CM Punk donkey punched her” – Hernandez
John explains that Maria is beautiful, but wants to know if she ate paint chips when she was a child.
“Wall candy!” – Bill
John stutters over Maria and refers to tonight as a ‘Steamy’ night here in Cleveland.. SUBTLE! John then goes over each member of every match tonight humorously.
“He’s channeling the Rock tonight” – Dani
He addresses everything from every single match to Stephanie’s baby being born.
“Which can only mean one thing!” – Cena
“Yes, you’re a father.” – Penny
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:36
…hey…. miz is here….. let’s see which dumb bim gets tossed……
“He gets huge pops for no reason” – Eric
“Because people think Crash Holly is here.” – Hernandez
Look – some of them are hot.. some of them aren’t… you decide.
So blonde with the garters is gone. We discuss breasts….
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:44
Next week Shawn vs. Umaga… So that means that I get to see that live. Remember – No Rabble next week.
Now though – here comes Johnny Nitro!
Now though – here comes Edge!
Now though – here comes Ric Flair!
Now though – here comes John Cena!
Ric starting in with Nitro. Nitro gets reversed in the corners and chopped down. Nitro thumbs the eye to tag in Edge – but as he runs in HE gets chopped down. Headlock gets him thrown to the ropes where Nitro hits him down. Cena charges in to stop the blatant cheating and they clear ring…
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:55
We’re back and Ric comes in to slap down some Nitro – tosses him to the ropes and a back body drop to Nitro. He wraps around the leg and hits the figure four! Stopped by Edge, and in runs Cena who gets tossed off the top! Edge runs back to the corner and a tag to Nitro – setup for the Spear! PIN! TWO AND CENA COMES OUT OF NOWHERE!
Nitro now in with Flair and a bad neckbreaker. Nitro chokes Flair against the ropes leaving Melina and Lita to kick at him.
“RIGHT INTO THE LEATHERY SKIN!” – Hernandez
“It’s like breaking in a saddle” – Bill
Nitro pulls in Flair – an elbow from Nitro – a chop from Flair – a kick – a chop – a chop – a chop – finally a clothesline.. a bad clothesline.. from Nitro. A tag to Edge who taunts Cena while Nitro beats on Ric outside.
“HIT HIM IN THE LUMP!” – Mikey
“It’s magical..” – Me
“It’s called CANCER!” – Me
Flair gets thrown in and beaten down by Edge. Edge hurls Flair into the corner – reversed but Edge kicks Ric as he charges in and a Flair flop, but as Edge is about to leap Flair gets to his feet and chops Edge to his gut. Tag to Nitro and HOT tag to Cena….
Cena clotheslines Nitro down – one shouldertackle – blue thunder – five knuckle…. stopped by a chair from Edge! Nitro gets the pin for …TWO!
Nitro sets up for his finisher – and gets the STFU, and Ric is holding onto Edge’s leg!
WINNER: JOHN CENA & RIC FLAIR
That was a fairly textbook main event there… unlike next week when the Rabble will be at the Meadowlands for Raw. Just making sure you know.
What did the Rabble think of tonight?
“Eh..” – Jenna
“It was…. alright” – Mikey
“Would have loved to see the Highlander’s win the title… not TOO bad” – Nina
“Mreh..” – Eric
“My dog is afraid of Ric Flair & Hulk Hogan” – Jeffrey
“Total crap” – Hernandez
“Ready to go to bed..” – Mike
“It was.” – Bill
So there you go – a tepid show – a royal tepid show.
THE EXTRA FEATURES!
First off – let’s give you the lesbianic mouth of the Rabble. Our own personal column diva… P E N N Y C A N D Y F O R T H E R A B B L E
So Booker finally got the big gold belt a sixth time. I keep wanting to care but somehow I just can’t be bothered. Smackdown is just so badly booked and ass-backwards these days Booker breaking the glass ceiling means absolutely nothing. And it SHOULD. And that pisses me off.
Anyway, onto RAW.
Shawn’s Promo. Um… yeah, we all know Cena’s the father. Stop doing the wink/nudge thing with Hunter. It got old 2 weeks before you started it.
So much for the Vincler Youth breaking up. Big IWC scoop. Will everyone learn Meltzer is as useless as a Marty Jannety promo? And really, why does anyone like the Highlanders? Put them in Camo and call them Bo and Luke Version 2 and I STILL won’t care about Vince and Steph’s recycled ideas. Show me something new.
Steph’s baby girl. Yay. Wonder if Shane’s pissed enough to join TNA yet.
(Yes I’m bitter this week. We have until August first to find a home or we’re on the street, and we keep getting turned down for being married lesbians. Some days I REALLY hate people.)
Diva Search. Again I ask; WHY THE F**K ARE THEY WASTING MONEY ON THIS GARBAGE??? Just announce Layla the winner and shunt the rest backstage with microphones like we all know will happen anyway. Stop wasting 20 minutes a week on Eye Candy.
And oh goody. Here comes Hoax Hoagy. Oh wait, what is it that one IP guy calls him? The Orange Goblin. yet more of my time wasted by garbage I neither want on free TV nor would pay to see. I can’t even be bothered to go to the BAR to watch PPV’s anymore. I can just read the results on IP and still not care. Only amusing bit was King tossing him in the ring.
Candace has grown on me lately. Her recent lesbi-ish antics and change of personality have finally gotten her to join Trish Mickey and Maria on the “Divas I’d lick Ice Cream off of” list.
So once again Coach gets fed to the wolves for comic relief. I’ve seen indy tapes of him. He used to be a pretty decent wrestler. Why is he constantly asked to look like a pussy in the ring? Would it kill them to let him actually work? Oh and the Vincler Youth run-in was expected, but why are they bothering to push Chewmaga this hard? Ooooo, the run-in THUMB OF DOOM!!! Yeah, I was impressed by the air-catch bodydrop, but beyond that if he wasn’t with Osama he’d be dead in the water.
Nice funny energetic promo from Cena. Why are the Smarks refusing to like this guy?
Next, more Diva Search. Excuse me while I go rub my clit on some broken glass and then have a bath in alkaline. That sounds more entertaining. Diva musical chairs? Oh my god! What compelling television! Can I please suck Vince off now? Because we all know SOMEONE is blowing him to get this much airtime. *coughmizcough*
OFF-TOPIC; How many people are going to go see Talladega Nights? Yeah okay, you two, out. The adults have things to do.
Johnny Nitro; Most hated man on RAW, if only for blocking my view of Mileena’s cameltoe.
That’s right Edge, hump the ring, it’s cleaner than Lita.
Okay JR, the diet/Menu joke was funny. Props.
I’m cutting it here because I’m tired and cranky. Wake me when Raw is worth caring about again.
And that is that folks – no links from Inside Pulse tonight due to the system being annoying. New servers are being worked on – we promise!