Chrononaut Chronicles: TNA Impact — 7/27/06

The Chrononaut Chronicles: TNA iMPACT! — Thursday, July 27, 2006

– A video recap of last week’s show opens Impact before we see the James Gang leading Eric Young around backstage, where the paranoid Showtime mistakes a tablesaw for a chainsaw and they run into Jeremy Borash. JB notes that this wasn’t the plan he told Eric last week so B.G. responds that his plan sucked and they have a new plan. B.G. mentions that he and Kip have been fired from every promotion in the world so his advice to Eric is not to worry about being fired, and explains that the new plan is for Eric to team with them in a six-man tonight because Eric makes for some entertaining television. So basically they want to leech off his heat. They don’t know or care who AMW’s partner is, and Eric looks unsure, but the Gang convince him that it’s a good idea. Funny segment.

– Following the usual Impact opening video and during the pyro, Abyss and Brother Runt brawl out through the entrance tunnel and down the ramp while Raven watches from the bleachers. Runt whacks Abyss with a chairshot and they go into the ring, where the Monster boots the chair into Runt’s face and plants him on the chair with the Black Hole Slam. TNA Security collect Runt and help him back to the locker room.

– Borash interviews Monty Brown, who says he and “Rhinoceros” have some unfinished business and demands to be put into tonight’s Rhino/Hippophant main event. Monty does his best Rock impersonation, shoving JB aside and warning Samoa Joe and Rhino that they will feel the POOOOOOOOUUUUUNNNNNCCCCCCEEEEE…PERIOD.

– Petey Williams vs. Johnny Devine vs. Shark Boy vs. Sonjay Dutt

Petey has new theme music but still wears his “Canada” ring gear, which I won’t mind as a facet of his character as long as he’s the only Canadian doing it and they build on it, rather than making him one-dimensional. As much as I love Shark Boy, he has no business being on TV (other than to be squashed) until TNA uses him in a creative vignette or two. Solid action to start before Petey goes for the “O Canada” nutstomp on Sharky but Sonjay distracts him on the apron, giving Sharky the opportunity to pull himself up and Bite Petey’s rearend. When the camera shows a certain view, it looks like Sharky treating Petey to a vigorous rimjob and that’s a horrific image. All four men square off in the ring as Kevin Nash & Alex Shelley are shown watching from the electric lift high above the crowd and we go to break.

When we come back, Petey gets tagged in against Devine and they slowly circle each other as the commentators are too busy to point out that they were former teammates in Team Canada. They slug it out until Petey signals for the Canadian Destroyer and Johnny tags Sonjay, who unloads on Petey and gets two off a Lionsault. When Sonjay goes to the top, Shark Boy tags himself in and ends up falling victim to the Canadian Destroyer to give Petey the 1-2-3. Sharky’s head was nowhere near the mat, but it was a fun little match, as NaShelley lower down on the lift afterwards.

– Borash interviews Runt, who cuts a great promo about how he always goes up to the biggest, meanest guy in a locker room and slaps him in the face because he’s a 140-pound “runt” with nothing to lose. Runt shoves JB and issues an open challenge to Abyss for any type of match.

– A promo airs for TNA hitting the road and bringing Bound For Glory to the “Motor City”, a.k.a. Plymouth, Michigan.

– A video package recaps the Sabin/Nash storyline while Jerry Lynn talks to Sabin in the locker room, stating that the winner of Sabin/Nash at Hard Justice will receive an X Title shot. Lynn tells Sabin he’s the future and that the whole X Division is counting on him, and asks if Nash humiliating him made him mad. Sabin replies that it did, so Jerry slaps him and they scream at each other before Mr. J.L. approves and walks off with Sabin. This is a great idea to give Sabin some personality and to use Lynn as a mentor to bring that emotion out of him.

– Christian Cage comes out to the ring and announces that he has to apologize to Sting for doubting his reasons for coming to TNA. Christian admits that he was too selfish and wrapped up in his own agenda to realize that Sting came to TNA to remove Jeff Jarrett and make TNA the best wrestling promotion in the world. I might say it already is. Christian clutches the rosary around his neck and sincerely says he’s sorry. Cage then explains he went to Jim Cornette for permission to be in Sting’s corner at Hard Justice to counteract Scott Steiner, but Cornette told him that only Sting could answer that. Sting appears in the rafters and states that TNA already is the #1 promotion, but he doesn’t have an answer to Cage’s offer other than to say he will perform surgery on August 13 and remove the cancer. I really hope they play up Sting’s history of having people (Flair, Luger, Hogan, etc.) turn on him and have Christian really convince Sting before he accepts.

– A video feature brings us a pretty good promo from Jeff Jarrett, who calls the rioting fans at Slammiversary “ungrateful SOBs” and says once again that he had nothing to do with Zbysko and Hebner, offering to take a polygraph. Jarrett claims that Sting, Christian, and Cornette are trying to oust him from TNA but says after he beats Sting “for the good of TNA”, the Stinger should pack his bags. However, if Jarrett loses, will he leave TNA? He whispers that he may not have any other option. I’ll believe it when I see it.

– After the break, we have a video feature on LAX featuring intense comments from Konnan about Latinos taking over. Konnan says that LAX is going to make a statement by taking the NWA World Tag Team Championship from Christopher Daniels & A.J. Styles at Hard Justice and bringing the belts back to the barrio. 5150 is police code for “loco en la cabeza” and crazy Latinos are all over. I better lock my door.

– America’s Most Wanted & A1 vs. The James Gang & Eric Young

A1 is in green trunks and black boots now, while Eric is now billed as “residing in an undisclosed location” because he’s so paranoid. That made me laugh out loud. The James Gang “help” Eric down the ramp and B.G. tells him his new tights look awesome. After B.G.’s usual spiel, Kip has three words for ya: “Don’t Fire Eric!”, which the fans start chanting. A few people in the crowd do the “eye-to-eye” hand motion, which is something unique in wrestling and should catch on hopefully, like the nWo handsign or the DX crotch-chop. The Gang try to send Eric in first, but he doesn’t want to face his former teammate A1 and tags out to Kip, who goes head-on (apply directly to the forehead) with the Canadian powerhouse and neither man budges. A1 powerslams Kip, who tags Eric back in and B.G. pushes Showtime toward A1. A1 seems hesitant to go after Young so Chris Harris blindsides Eric. Surprisingly, A1 isn’t happy about that and causes friction with the Wildcat, who holds Eric and demands that A1 hit him. A1 thinks about it too long and James Storm comes in to do the job, but Eric moves and the Cowboy punches his own partner. B.G. dropkicks A1 into Storm and Eric rolls up A1 for the three-count.

Afterwards, Eric celebrates with the James Gang but suddenly feels bad and tries to help up A1, who pushes him away and storms off. I’m not sure where that’s going, but I bet it involves Scott D’Amore.

– In this week’s Paparazzi Productions segment, Shelley introduces Nash to two masked Madagascar legends, Super Blue Cross #6 and Simolean Joe, whom Nash comments look like crackheads. Shelley takes #6 down in a cool submission he calls the “Alex Special #2” and asks if Nash got that. Big Kev says he got it and proceeds to hammer #6 with one of his trademark forearms across the back. Nash offers to show him another move, and it’s another forearm. Shelley notes that that one looked eerily similar to his last move, in the most hilarious “insider” joke ever. Nash claims he’s been working on an aerial move in his pool at home and allegedly dives off the top turnbuckle, barely hitting Joe and admitting that he “almost overshot” it. Alex assures his big buddy that it looked amazing. This was certified gold.

– Another Bobby Roode vignette airs to put him over as the hottest free agent in wrestling as it’s claimed that managers from all over the world are eager to sign him. Roode states that he’ll increase ratings and PPV buys, and compares himself to Randy Savage, Rick Rude, and Curt Hennig as great free agents in the past. Next week, the interview process begins. Pretty good, that should be interesting to see if they can use “outside” managers like Jimmy Hart or Bobby Heenan, or even someone from ROH, to put the angle over. I will mark out if it he ends up choosing Prince Nana.

– Samoa Joe vs. Rhino

Tenay and West contract WWEitis as they babble about a “big match feel” in the air. Yeah, with less than 10 minutes left. The crowd seems to be split maybe 60/40 in favor of Joe as they stare each other down and trade fists and forearms before Rhino decks Joe with a clothesline. Joe gets right back up and knocks down the War Machine with an enzuigiri to the side of the head, and both men are down as Monty Brown takes a seat on the ramp to observe. I hope Israeli warplanes don’t accidentally bomb him. Joe and Rhino slug it out and Rhino Gores Joe in the corner as we go to break.

When we come back, Joe fights out of a chinlock (in TNA?!) and stuns Rhino with the best damn inverted atomic drop in the business before nailing him with the double-footed dropkick to the face. Joe drops the senton backsplash but takes forever to cover, so Rhino kicks out. Rhino reverses a whip but Joe ducks and Rhino clobbers the referee. Rhino turns around and Joe plants him with the snap powerslam, but Rhino gets up and slams him with a spinebuster. Rhino sets up for the Gore, but Monty drags him out of the ring and they brawl on the floor until Joe dives through the ropes and annihilates the Alpha Male as Rhino moves out of the way. West claims that Joe hit his head on that dive and Rhino crunches Joe with a belly-to-belly suplex on the ramp before setting up a table vertically in front of the entrance tunnel. Rhino prepares for the Gore, but Monty attacks the War Machine from behind and Joe cracks Monty with an enzuigiri, then traps him in the rear-choke. Rhino gets up and charges, Goring both Monty and Joe through the table in the tunnel. That was pretty cool. They replay it several times and the “Adrenaline Rush” video recap closes things.

Afterthoughts: Well, to be honest, the Rhino/Joe match was a letdown, but that was mostly due to time constraints. I wouldn’t mind a PPV three-way rematch, but I’m a bit worried that TNA is losing it with Joe. That match was more about Rhino, but they can fix that if Joe goes over both guys at the PPV and steamrolls Jarrett or Sting for the World Title. The rest of the show was very entertaining and leaves me intrigued for next week. Thanks for reading, and see you in the future.