The Triple-Threat Short Form, 07.25-28.06

So KaZaA pussied out to the MafiAA, huh? Nine-figure settlement and a promise to go legal. Big deal, I says. Everyone but the noobs, the clueless, and the stupid abandoned KaZaA and FastTrack years ago when it became the haven of fakes, crap quality downloads, and spyware. I haven’t had a FastTrack-capable P2P program on my system in years, especially after Sharman neutered K-Lite through legal threats. The only problem with this situation is that the retards are going to have to move somewhere, and that’ll probably be the eDonkey network. Then they’ll bitch and moan about how it isn’t as fast and start putting their fakes and other bullshit available, thus complicating things (although there are a helluva lot of fakes and spam promotions on eDonkey, they’re easier to find and not deal with).

Ah, screw it. The Internet is a gigantic pyramind anyway, with retards at the bottom and people like me at the top. We at the top deal with those on the bottom with complete disdain and attempts at ignoring. Just like I do to you when you hit me with moronic e-mails. Think about that before you hit the Reply button.

On to the shows…

THE ECW SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Sandman over Mike Knox (DQ, Test-ference): Knox and Test have seemingly formed an alliance that can lead to an acceptable tag team. It’d be more acceptable than having to watch them in singles, that’s for sure. But what binds the two together? Wanting domination over their women? Hey, after the way Steph and Trish both treated Test, can you blame him? And why is Tommy Dreamer showing objections to this unholy pairing? Is it because he lets Beulah strip in public? Lots of questions, so few answers.

It wasn’t that long ago that caning wanton little sluts was acceptable behavior. In fact, in many places, it still is.

Kevin Fertig over Little Guido Maritano (Pinfall, crucifix powerbomb): The difference between ECW and the rest of WWE is that they set up their squash matches properly by giving the squashee an excuse for being beaten to a pulp. God knows that there aren’t many others that you can point to. Well, credit where credit’s due, I guess. Fertig actually looked pretty good in there. A lot of people are saying that he looked better in this match than he ever did as Mordecai, but I’m going to argue that the sample size for the latter was too small to make any comparison valid. Let’s see if he continues in this vein…no, honestly, that wasn’t an attempt at a cute reference.

For Fertig’s character, this is less of an overpowering and more of a tenderizing

Justin Credible over Balls Mahoney (DQ, Fun With Chairs): Hey, Peej is on a roll! Second straight week he’s had a DQ victory, and this time, he wasn’t squashed in the process! Maybe next week, he’ll get an entrance! Hey, he’s getting over with the audience. Did you hear that feeble “Justin Asshole” chant? How much do you suspect that his cell bill is with all the calls to Calgary begging Lance to come out of retirement?

Balls versus No Balls

The Big Show over Kane, ECW Title Extreme Rules Match (Pinfall, chokeslam on chair): You know, this would have been exciting if he we hadn’t just seen them feud recently, or if it wasn’t completely obvious that TBS had to go over because, well, he’s on ECW every week and Kane’s doing a “just visiting” thing (obviously, a DQ ending was out due to Extreme Rules). The table spot, though, was nifty. Contrived, but nifty.

Is that how to treat your former tag partner?

Angle Developments:

Nothing. The only promos involved Sabu’s challenge to TBS, and they were short, sweet, to the point, and led directly to the apres of the main event. Now that’s the way to do it.

THE IMPACT SHORT FORM

First some site biz…Memo To Lambert: the only one I can think of a caption for is the first pic: “Devo definitely changed after they defeated the Balrog in the Mines of Moria”. Sometimes the source material is just too weird to work with.

Match Results:

Petey Williams over Sonjay Dutt, Shark Boy, and Johnny Devine, X-Division Why The Fuck Not Four-Way (Pinfall, Williams pins Shark Boy, Canadian Destroyer): Well, they have to start pimping Williams as a solo guy after the dissolution of Team Canada, and this was a good way to do it. Nothing special in this match, and nothing really noteworthy except for one thing: the Orlantards started breaking out a “USA” chant against Williams during the match. Of course, the guy he was in there against was his former Team Canada-mate Johnny Devine. Of course, given that Williams’ other opponents were from India and “the Deep Blue Sea”, maybe Devine was the best choice in that regard. Do I have to go into how much I hate wrestling fans yet again for being f*cking idiots?

Replace “Shark Boy” with “the break-up of Team Canada”, and you’ve got your Symbolic Moment Of The Night

You know that D’Amoron would have stopped this tragedy if he’d been there

Road Hogg, Billy Bitchcakes, and Eric Young over Chris Harris, James Storm, and Alastair Rouse (Pinfall, Young pins Rouse, rollup): It has to be said: now that I’m employed again, I’m really taking the “Don’t Fire Eric” angle seriously, but not in the context that TNA wants me to. I’ve just been burned too many times. Second, yes, this was an Angle Advancement Match, but it was for an angle not involving AMW or NAO. Young is really going to get over with this one, but, like Brashear said in regard to Spike, where’s his place? He’s a comedy act, which cripples things in the first place, and he doesn’t fit in with the X Division. At least when WWE gave Funaki his cup of coffee with the cruiserweight title, it had some context to it. In the meantime, we get another wrestler who’s over with the crowd but without an opportunity for advancement. The last person this happened to…oh, wait, he interferes in the main event, so I’ll comment about him then.

And D’Amoron would have stopped this too. Scott, get your fat ass out there and promote Canadian unity…look, either Scott would be good at this point.

Samoa Fuckin’ Joe versus Rhiyno (ND, Monty-ference): Boring Angle Advancement Match with that one great visual of Rhiyno spearing Joe, holding Monty in the Kokina Clutch, through a table. Contrived, but most great spots like that are. Let’s see where they go from here, especially in regard to the stories now floating around about Monty. Contract ends in September, TNA has no interest in resigning him, WWE is reported to have no interest in bringing him in. The first two I believe, the third…I believe that’s a contract negotiation ploy by WWE to lower Monty’s price, which will be high considering the decimation in the Smackdown locker room. He’s headed North, baby, and we’ll all be a lot happier for him when that happens.

So, how do they bring Monty in? Obviously, it has to be on Raw, since Lashley’s got the Huge Scary Black Guy slot on Smackdown right now, suspension or not. The most brilliant thing would be to bring him in as a heel and have him beat the piss out of Cena, but we know that won’t happen…unless his arrival is instigated by Edge. Imagine this promo from Adam: “I called up an old friend who’s down south right now…you might say we’re as close as brothers…and I asked him if there’s anyone he knows who could help the Rated R Superstar with my little Cena problem. He asked around, then called me back and said that he’s sending someone over right away. And here he is. Cena, you’re so proud of being from the urban jungle and being able to survive that. Well, this man’s the Master of the Serengeti, and he knows a lot more about jungles than you do.” Cue Monty, let him say something about wiggers, that he doesn’t tap out to something as weak as the STFU, then end it with “THE POOOOOOOOOUNCE”. I’d buy that.

Joe heard that laxatives elevate liver enzymes, so he asked Rhiyno to help him with more holistic methods

Hey, they showed it about ten times, so why not cap it?

Angle Developments:

Spike takes a chair to the face from a guy twice his size…ah, the more things change…

Words I Never Wanted To Hear Again: Monty, did you really say, “It doesn’t matter what you think”? Look, we all read Meltzer’s thing about WWE supposedly not wanting you, but this isn’t the way to gain their attention. Not by bringing up HIM. You’re better than that. After all, you were a failure at pro football. He was a failure at college football. That automatically makes you better. So don’t descend into that, I beg you.

Six letters, one hyphen, so much meaning: Tic-Tac

Oh, no, you’re not

Obviously, I’d Like To Throw My Hat In The Ring…: So, what can I bring to Bobby Roode as his manager? Knowledge, intelligence, and instinct. First of all, I’d get him to a stylist and get his hair cut short. Obviously, we’re going for a Rick Rude/Curt Hennig type of thing here, and they looked better and more distinctive with short hair. Plus, it’s easier to keep clean, and Roode definitely needs an introduction to shampoo. Plus the second, short hair would match my short hair, thus giving a stronger wrestler/manager visual. As his manager, I’d cut most of his promos for him, thus giving him a silent/brooding sort of image while taking advantage of my superior intelligence, vocabulary, and articulation. Besides, he’s Cookie-Cutter Heel City when he cuts promos. I’d also find him some new togs to wear to the ring, since, right now, his visual style is aping Rhiyno, thus leaving him open to charges of rip-off. The latter thing would be my personal version of the Wellness Program. Roode is a good-looking young man. He attracts young women. Thanks to the strangest part of my Army training, I’m fully conversant with external signs of all major STDs. So, a pre-examination of his partners, plus my insistence that he wears a condom (and a fresh one after each ejaculation or in case of damage…to the condom, you idiots), will keep him free of conditions that may distract and debilitate him.

So hire me, Bobby. What do you have to lose? Despite having a new job, I’m still interviewing elsewhere, and I’m easy to relocate. So pull the trigger and get the manager you deserve: me.

Because the other four members of Team Canada got screen caps, so it would only be fair

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Match Results:

FudgePacker over DAVE (COR): When you know going into a match that it’s going to be Angle Advancement, you just don’t pay attention. So I didn’t. FudgePacker being involved was just a good excuse.

Slack-jawed, drooling, vacant-eyed, insensate…yeah, he’s from Green Bay

Vito over Simon Dean (Submission, under-the-dress armbar): Let’s use a little logic here. If it’s the psychological devastation of the proximity of a man’s face to another man’s genitals, then any other wrestler wearing tight-fitting crotch coverings would be able to pull the same submission move, especially ones booked to be powerful. If it’s the fact that this is being done while covering the head with a garment, that brings up stuff too Freudian to discuss. A defect in personal hygeine? I’d buy that for the Highlanders, but not for Vito. So what exactly is the reason for the quick submissions? It sure isn’t the armbar.

Not even the Junta could find reasons to remove Simon Dean Offense from the Endangered Species List

Sylvain Grenier over Tatanka (Pinfall, TKO): Hey, this match didn’t suck! That’s the trick about expectations that I always tell people: never be optimistic about anything. Always take the negative viewpoint. That way, you’re never disappointed. Obviously, going into this one, I had the view that it was going to blow dogs. It was actually a competitive, well-balanced, well-executed match between two guys who, frankly, aren’t known for that. And, hey, it was a bit of a surprise that Grenier went over despite his recent push due to the fact that they’d been pushing Chavis pretty hard recently as well. Of course, we know now that the Buffalo’s got that nasty enzyme problem and that he’s going to be on the shelf, so in that context, Grenier going over makes sense. Again, not a bad match at all, and it gives me some good feelings about their handling of the midcard during this particular crisis.

See you in thirty, Chris

Michelle McCool over Jillian Hall (Pinfall, rollup): I expected a little better than what we got, given the fact that these two are the most accomplished female wrestlers on Smackdown. Of course, that’s like saying that you’re the best solver of differential equations on the Short Bus. However, if they were on Raw, they’d be legit threats to the women’s title. In fact, I wonder if the focus on the women in the ring lately is a reaction to Trish’s impending departure. LaJames is going to need a challenger (other than if they do the obvious thing and turn her face to go up against Melina), and Hall seems to be the best possibility of the bunch. So she gets a little ringtime and a little bit of audience focus as a face, and then she heads to Raw with some inexplicable reason behind it. I hope that doesn’t happen, because more than half of the reason she’s over right now is High-Quality Speaker Boy’s commentary every week about their past association. Separated from that, the audience response might completely die out.

No, but hitting her from the back won’t cause them to pop out the front

Mister Finlay over Mister Regal, US Title Match (Pinfall, rollup): I’m of mixed feelings right now about their match at Great American Bash. I have this feeling that if JJ and I team up and press for it, that match might get a lot of recognition when it comes time to dole out the Year-End Awards. We both feel the same way about it, that it’s going to be eventually regarded as an underappreciated Great Match. However, Little Bastard’s involvement makes me feel a bit antsy about pushing it toward the top of the mountain. Of course, my well-known man-crush for Regal won’t help the situation any.

That low-five during the apres, though, makes me a little bit scared. They’re moving toward the one thing that’ll kill this whole angle dead: Little Bastard making an entrance with Finlay. No, keep Little Bastard under the ring, period. If he starts making entrances with Finlay, it’s Doink and Dink all over again.

Okay, that really looks like it hurts

Sylvester Turkay over Matt Hardy (Submission, arm/abdominal stretch): Okay, if this works, we know he’ll be on a collision course with Lashley (after Lashley comes back, of course) no later than Survivor Series. Well, he’s better than Khali (and you can also debate that Burke is already a better manager than Daivari, but not as good as Osama). Let’s see where this goes.

Lil’ Naitch knows better than to stop a Matt Hardy beating

Booker T over Rey-Rey, World Title Match (Pinfall, scissors kick): I sorta paid attention to it, because it does mark the end of this particular angle and the beginning of Rey-Rey/Chavito. Not a bad match, and faster-paced than the match at GAB. Neither of them embarassed each other, and that was the important thing. But Booker’s next feud needs to make him look strong, unless they’re planning a fast transition over to DAVE. We’ll see how DAVE handles things with TBS on ECW next week. If he looks good in there under those circumstances, then he should give Booker a good, extended feud.

Insert stepladder joke here

Angle Developments:

In days of old, the crime of lese majeste meant a death sentence. Today it doesn’t even merit a depush.

Over a thousand years of history repeats itself

Okay, I have to haul ass right now. So I’ll break this off and see you Tuesday. Farewell.

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