Tommy P’s Raw Coverage 7/31/06

Boy I’m pumped. Actually, I’m Tom Pandich. I’ve got a crazy week ahead of me, but once I’m done, it’s finally summer vacation for me. As you may or may not know, I am a college student trying to minimize my time in college. 4 majors later (Communications, Elementary Ed, Mathematics, and finally English) and I’m graduating in a scant three and a half years. Taking 18 credit hours a semester (only 15 this summer though) makes for some great ass covering. Anywho, I’ve got four essays to write this week by Thursday and I’ll be finishing the first of these during Raw. Needless to say, I’m somewhat giddy so keep it here all night while I rock it with a loaded card! What this card is loaded with, I won’t say. Keep it here all night.

Standard Raw opening, fireworks, and we are sort of Live from the Continental Airlines Arena. We’ve got “Orton Knows Best” tonight too! Shane O’Mac’s music hits followed by Vin O’Mac. Vince is happy as a pig in shit as Steph O’Mac gave birth to Vince’s first granddaughter. Technical “flub” causes Vince to say “what the hell”. Anywho, Aurora is richer and smarter then everyone in the arena already. Vince announces that the Macs are going against DX at Summerslam. DX music hits and stops. Shane accuses DX of mindgames and how they won’t work.

Shane wonders how Shawn will survive through Umaga. DX music hits for a third time only to stop. Vince and Shane look confused. They start again and the fourth time is a charm as DX finally comes off. Shawn congratulates the new addition to the McMahon family saying mazel tov. Triple H corrects Shawn saying that they’re not Jewish. Triple H’s nose protests. Anywho, Triple H was at the hospital and acquired the McMahon scrapbook. Poor photoshops of Vince (in a “I (heart) (cock)” one piece), Shane (in a Shane-o-Mac jersey), and Aurora (Triple H’s face) on a baby’s body follow. Shane says that at Summerslam, they’ll wipe DX’s asses. Triple H has two words of advice for Aurora’s health. Pretty gross if you ask me.

Technical flubs continue in the back as Triple H wants their music to be hit, and it’s missed. Vince wants his music instead trying to cover for the second flub of the evening. Triple H says no way jack, and says he wants DX’s music. It finally plays, and we’re done with the opening promo. Triple threat for the IC title is tonight.

We’re back and in the back is the Miz. The divas want to tell you who they’d send home.

-Jen wants to send JT home because she’s unoriginal (says the blond with the curly hair and follows it up saying “I’m often imitated, never duplicated). Ah I love unintentional comedy.

Carlito vs Shelton Benjamin vs Nitro: Triple Threat for the IC Title

Shelton gets out of the way as Nitro gets attacked by Carlito. Shelton then lands on both men on the outside with his high risk jumpie shit. Commercials.

We’re back and Shelton has a front chinlock on Nitro. During the break, Carlito jumped over Nitro on to the apron but got killed by Shelton’s kick. Carlito is up, and Shelton breaks the hold to get over and knock them down. Back inside and Nitro tries for sunset flip. Shelton counters and gets two. Carlito comes over the top to get two on Shelton before Nitro breaks it up. Carlito gets tossed into the corner and Nitro throws Shelton into them. Carlito dodges and tries for a monkey flip on Shelton. Benjamin rolls through it and kills Nitro with his own. Carlito tries to suplex Benjamin but is absolutely killed by a DDT. Shelton goes for the cover but Melina puts Carlito’s leg on the rope. Shelton is pissed and yells at Melina. Nitro charges knocking Shelton out of the ring and pins Carlito tights in hand.

Winner and still Champ: Johnny Nitro

-Layla (who looks hot) wants to get Milena voted off because there can be only one minority!

Randy Orton is out and he’s here to cut a promo pulling a six on the Triple H promo scale of pauses. Orton says his career is going to take off after he beats Hogan. Orton says he has a show called Orton Knows Best. He introduces the fake Hogans, and I thought they were really the Hogans until fake Hulk comes out. Nothing like doing a bad DX rip off with a bad Triple H promo. Orton asks Nick Hogan about what he wants to do when he grows up. Nick says he wants to be a wrestler so Orton kicks him to absolutely no heat.

Orton molests fake Brooke Hogan with his eyes and fake Hulk Hogan cuts a bad promo to no heat. Orton continues to personally try and re-freeze the polar ice caps with his terrible promo. Eventually a “we want Hogan” chant breaks out. Orton makes out with fake Brooke before RKOing fake Hogan. What a horrible waste of time. Orton slugs the King to make sure we’re going to get that horrible match before Summerslam too.

In the back, it’s the McMahons. Armando comes to the back to thank them for his match tonight. Armando gives Vince and Shane a Cuban cigar who apparently has three boxes of them in his car. Shane takes Vince’s cigar saying he doesn’t smoke anymore. Vince says he used to though.

So this was a Supershow tonight. Here’s the spoilers for the evening’s event if you’re interested.

The King says there’s no respect from people like Randy Orton. Jerry Lawler challenges Randy Orton to a fight in Memphis, TN. Fantastic.

-Erica (who looks hot as f*ck) wants Rebecca to be voted off because she’s signed with another company. An excellent reason I say.

Trish Stratus and Candice Michelle vs Victoria and Mickie James: Special Guest Ref Torrie Wilson

It’s the last night on TSN so there you go Canadians. 10:00 pm next week on “The Score”. J.R. decides to make some lesbian joke that makes very little sense in context. Good job J.R.. Victoria starts things off with Candice Michelle who is tripped up by Victoria to start. Candice won’t have any of that as she works over Victoria with a hammerlock. Victoria makes the tag and it’s all Mickie James with some hair pulling. James gets a two count, and she slams Candice into the match. Mickie tries for the double team after going after Trish, but Candice gets the advantage after taking out Victoria’s legs on the top rope.

Tag to Trish and there’s actual wrestling now. Trish takes Victoria off the top with head scissors. Trish then tries for a bulldog only to get caught by Victoria. She counters dumping Victoria. Trish heads to the second rope where Mickie James tries to take her down with head scissors. Trish counters that with a power bomb for two. Trish sets up for a Stratusfaction and gets it for the win.

Winners: Trish Stratus and Candice Michelle

In the back, Mick Foley is with “nM” where he asks Melina to introduce him.

We’re back.

-Milena spends a lot of time putting Erica over before getting cut off before she can say why she deserves to get cut.

Mick Foley says he’s going to give the fans what they want. He and Ric Flair are going to go at it”¦ for tag team gold. Ok, maybe not what the people wanted to hear. Ric Flair and Mick Foley have a lot of similarities. Flair brought up Randy Orton, Foley brought up Melina. Flair is friends with the president (decent amount of boos) and Foley is friends with porn star Christie Canyon. “She got more cheers then the president.” Foley makes a bad joke about this. Foley and Flair both made national headlines Foley with his books, and Flair with his road rage.

Flair’s music hits, and Flair tells Foley to keep his mouth shut. Flair says nobody cares about Foley’s book. Flair goes insane shout Cactus Jack followed by a Flair Flop. Flair says Foley is lazier then A-Rod. Flair says he drank more then one glass of wine writing his book and is then bleeped. Flair starts name dropping the bad asses he’s gone through, and Flair talks about the 19 stitches that Foley put in his head. Flair says he wants Cactus Jack, bared wire, thumbtacks, garbage cans, (he drops an elbow), ladders, cages, everything. Flair does an audience poll asking if they want to see Flair and Foley tear each other apart.

Flair wants to finalize this. Foley talks about his family, his wife, his kids, and how it’s a load of crap. 15 years ago, Flair would take Melina and “Space Moutainizer” her. Foley sees Melina as a person not a conquest. Foley thinks of his friend in the porn industry not as someone in a bunch of films he used to watch. He thinks of her work she does overseas with children. Foley says he’ll be damned if he’s going to be taking tips from a man who’s been married three times and been an absentee father twice. Flair flips out, and Foley says he stepped over the line. Foley says that by chance he and Flair sat on a plane one day and they could only talk about family. Foley sat there and watched Flair call each of his four children and tell them he loves them. Foley will never ever know what it’s like to do what Flair did, to call up his kids on the phone and say “Daddy’s been arrested”. Wow, stiff right by Flair causes Foley to bail.

The Coach comes out to say that Vince has authorized a match between Flair and Foley at Summerslam. Foley says it’s in his contract that he’ll wrestle who he wants, when he wants. He’s not going to be wasting a match on that sack of crap in the ring. Foley heads out. Great stuff.

John Cena vs Matt Striker: Most entertaining heel in years

Matt Striker says that John Cena considers himself as doctor of thuganomics. Striker says that Cena refers to everyone in the audience as his homies. Striker proceeds to say words from the dictionary (that he has memorized) and wouldn’t you know it, homies isn’t in there. Striker then proceeds to say brilliant, handsome, athletic, and so forth are in the dictionary and they all describe him.

Cena hits the ring, Striker bails. Of course before the match starts, Edge shows up, and he’s got the Rated R announce table! Striker gets his foot caught as he tries to get ahead. Cena hits a belly to belly suplex followed by a bulldog. Mizoves of Dizoom finish it and Edge takes off.

Winner: John Cena


The Spirit Squad do a cheer. It’s bad as usual.

Johnny vs Rory: A match that won’t end in a decapitation”¦sadly

As a general rule, I don’t pay attention to any matches that occur after Piper’s first retirement where one of the wrestler uses kilts. The entire Spirit Squad gets sent to the back as the new ref tosses them after the Spirit Squad tries to cheat. Mattie Michaels and I discuss who this ref is as neither of us have seen him before. Johnny hits a spinning roundhouse and Robbie yells at him. Rory pins Johnny with an inside cradle for the win. Way to make the Highlanders look like a legit threat WWE.

Winner: Rory

-JT wants to see Rebecca voted off. I want to see her get voted off because she annoys the piss out of me.

We’re back and what diva is getting cut? I’m digging Layla’s (frizzy hair chick) outfit for the first time. My guess is JT gets cut. The Miz can’t say JT won Diva musical chairs. The Miz teases JT getting cut, but it ends up being Rebecca. We’re down to five more weeks of this bullshit. The crowd is utterly dead during this segment.

There was a fan rally for Wrestlemania 23 in Detroit. Lots of folks showed up and so did Edge, Randy Orton, the Big Show, Shawn Michaels, King Booker (the most entertaining act in wrestling today), DAVE (in a wife beater), and John Cena.

In the back, DX is searched by cops. Apparently Triple H has Cuban cigars which is CONTRABAND!!!! Triple H gets taken downtown, and promises retaliation for Vince and Shawn.

We’re at the main event already.

Umaga vs Shawn Michaels: Less entertaining then JR’s puns

And let me tell you, those puns have been awful. I wonder if they’ll pull a Chris Masters and give Shawn the win by DQ. Umaga looks retarded as always. Michaels chops Umaga a few times before almost getting power slammed Bulldog style. Michaels sends him into the corner and gets four punches in before almost getting Samoan dropped. He counters that into a near sunset flip, and he avoids the Bastion Booger drop. HBK bails and the McMahons come down for the last commercial break.

Umaga is damaging Shawn Michaels. Oh no, look out Shawn! Big side kick sends Shawn Michaels over the top rope. Umaga is dominating and Shawn eats a high knee. Shawn is down but he fights his way up before Umaga puts him back down. Eventually Shawn takes down Umaga. He tries to kip up, but Armando slows him down. Umaga charges, but Shawn Michaels moves and Armando gets hit. Umaga hits his Samoan drop before flipping out. Umaga finally gets back in the ring and misses the Samoan Spike.

Michaels gets on his horse and hits the big elbow. He tunes up the band and Vince hits the apron. Michaels punches him out. Shane is in the ring, and he gets a flying elbow. Kip up but Michaels is kipped down by a clothesline and pinned.

Winner: Umaga

After the match, Vince chokes out Shawn Michaels with his belt. Shane grabs a chair and Vince holds it in front of Shawn’s head. Shane does sweet chin music into the chair drawing a bunch of boos from the crowd. Vince bitches out an unconscious Shawn Michaels and sets up Umaga/Triple H for next week. End of show.