The theme for today seems to be substitution. Baseball mass-substituted its players at the trade deadline. Raul’s subbing for Fidel while Fidel’s out with liver enz…no, he’s having intestinal surgery (I’d throw him a Get Well, except that Fleabag would hunt me down). Heath Ledger substitutes for Jack Nicholson (who was a substitute for Cesar Romero). E3 will have something actually substantive substituted for it next year. Floyd Landis is trying to substitute his B test for his A test. The Junta will try to find a substitute for Dr. Richard Carmona as Surgeon General. And this thing is substituting for a real column. It’s been a while since I’ve done a One-Hour Special ™, but that’s what this amounts to. Had to go into work early last night (during Raw, so I ended up downloading it), and I’ve got to do a quick turnaround and be at work early this afternoon, so I’m just going to shove this into the pipeline and see what happens.
Today happens to mark a seminal moment in the culture of this generation. Twenty-five years ago on this date, a switch was turned and the Buggles’ “Video Killed The Radio Star” was broadcast across coax to a couple thousand households in Joisey, marking the debut of a little cable channel called MTV. From such humble origins was birthed a juggernaut which, once upon a time, played music. By some cosmic synergy, MTV started to reach into a critical mass of homes during 1983, the greatest year in pop music history, creating Multimedia As We Know It. A good portion of my readership doesn’t remember a world without MTV and a world where it didn’t influence music, style, visual presentation, and numerous other things. Thanks to MTV, everything today is flashier, faster, and ever more changing. Even though MTV doesn’t note the day as something to celebrate, we should. Thanks, guys.
Oh, hell, let’s just get on with it…
THE PIMP SECTION
Lucard‘s error was corrected silently and politely.
I took my never-ending argument with Daniels to e-mail, so you should see that part next week. One thing that I didn’t mention, though, was that I’m trying to come up with the perfect sports-related analogy for Daniels’ subject, and I think I’ve come up with it: Alex Rodriguez is the Ernie Els of baseball.
Paul would have been better off using Lester Bangs, who was also cited in that screed, rather than HST to make his valid point. HST was a lot of things, but definitely not a music writer. He wrote for a music magazine, but rarely about music. He wrote about anything that would pay that caught his fancy, and he always managed to link it back to the theme he adopted for his career: the Death of the American Dream.
Vinny follows up my obit from a week and a half ago on Team Canada.
Goodman tries to keep us updated on the stuff happening in the minor leagues.
Gloomie doesn’t boil things down to the absolute, so I’ll do it for her: there was a reason and purpose for Journey. There is no excuse for the existence of Evanscence.
Basilo keeps writing about those damn shows I don’t watch.
Hatton’s Marvel stuff isn’t up, but Stevens has his DC material for view.
Morrison reminds me that Spidey was having a pretty good run in general at about that time, with those two issues being the pinnacle of it.
CAN I MORALLY GET AWAY WITH SAYING THERE’S NO NEWS?
Probably. Let’s see what’s floating around…Bam Bam Bigelow was arrested in Florida on outstanding warrants stemming from a traffic incident in which he spilled his bike (with his girlfriend on board) last year. Went into count to fight one of the citations, then got put in the slam on five thousand bucks bail for the others, including DUI. That’s pretty much the only noteworthy thing…
…okay, last night was a Supershow taping, so there are Smackdown spoilers. And TNA did their latest tapings. Might as well cover them…
SMACKDOWN SOMEWHAT SPOILED
The best piece of news from the Smackdown tapings, of course, didn’t happen in front of the camera. That was Bob Holly’s return during the dark match, where he went over Simon Dean. Look, I’m just happy to see him alive, let alone wrestling again. MRSA infections are a lot more serious than most people know. If you get hit by one of those superbugs, you’ve got a good chance of your life being ruined, and a decent chance of your life being ended. For Holly to be back at all is something to celebrate, and a testament to his willpower. We always knew he was a legit badass; there was no way he was going to do a job to a microbe. Welcome back, Bob, and let’s hope you’re back on TV soon.
Speaking of Holly, anyone else suddenly want that US title match at SummerSlam to be a Fatal Four-Way? Think about it. Holly, Regal, Finlay, and Lashley…that might end up being the stiffest match in wrestling history, perhaps even shaming MMA. It’d be fun to have just as an experiment.
However, Lashley’s already an impediment in this match, as Smackdown advanced the Regal/Finlay feud quite well. I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of watching those two in the ring together.
Elijah Burke showed that he can wrestle quite well, thank you, although 1) it was a jobber match and 2) it had to sell Turkay as a badass as well. Oh, just watch it and you’ll see.
This is in the Fucking Obvious category, so I don’t feel like I’m blowing anything: DAVE beats the piss out of FudgePacker and Tatanka got his job back against Grenier. Big deal.
We’ve heard some good things from our Deep South guys about Montel Vontavious Porter, and now that he’s shown up, let’s see if he can bring the goods. He should fit nicely into Orlando Jordan’s vacated ecological niche.
In order to get KC James and Aaron Stevens over as a tag team, they’ve given them Michelle McCool as manager. Why in the name of heaven are they still following the old paradigm when it hasn’t worked in years? Please note: Michelle McCool is not Nancy Benoit. She is DEFINITELY not Sherri Martel. She’s not even Melina. If you’re teaming up two relative unknowns with a manager in order to get them over, it helps if the manager is over. McCool is not over. None of the women on Smackdown are, with the possible exception of Jillian Hall. The model of “woman manager of a tag team” was killed dead by Trish Stratus’ disaster with T&A and Tammy Sytch dragging out her crack-addled sewer of a body with the Road Warriors. Keep it dead for at least another year, please.
The double main event was a collection of Angle Advancement Matches designed to set up SummerSlam. Heavy doses of necrophilia in both. You’ve been warned.
IMPACT SOMEWHAT SPOILED
Warning: there may be an Alastair Rouse match in your future. Bigger Warning: there may be an Alastair Rouse push in your future. Take cover.
The AJ & Chris/Sheremetyevo feud will be advanced courtesy of a Daniels versus Homicide singles match. That’ll be next week on Impact. Okay, I’m there. You don’t need to twist my arm.
It’s not enough for Jarrett and Big Sump Pump to be involved with Sting and Christian (who will be in Sting’s corner at Hard Justice). They’re also screwing with the tag scene as well. Cue Big Flashing Neon Sign about who’s going to be your world champ after Hard Justice.
This week’s Impact will have a probable treat: five-way match, apparently for the Number One Contendership to the X Division title, between Petey Williams, Frankie Kazarian, Jay Lethal, Sonjay Dutt, and Alex Shelley. Okay, I’m there for this show too.
If Kevin Nash wants to dominate and crush the X Division, wouldn’t it help if he actually won a match once in a while against someone in the division? Watch Impact next week to find out the details on that.
Okay, that’s it, I’m out of time for the ancillaries. Now, on to Raw…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Johnny Nitro over Carly Colon and Shelton Benjamin, Intercontinental Title Triple Threat Match (Pinfall, Nitro pins Colon, rollup): Too short to have descended into Triple Threat Formula, which is a good thing (and Melina would have prevented that from happening in the first place). But it was also too short to have any sort of impact on the audience. You could easily regard this as a set-up for a repeat Triple Threat at SummerSlam, but that probably won’t happen, because the US title will be a Triple Threat (specifically, the one that was denied us at Great American Bash due to Lashley’s enzymes). Shame, really. I actually wouldn’t mind the same stip being used for both secondary straps if we’re guaranteed good matches. Given the participants, even the vastly-improving Carly, we would be in this case. So don’t mind the whiny critics, guys. Give us two Triple Threats at SummerSlam.
Paging Doctor Freud…
And this was before the match started
Trish Stratus and Candice Michelle over MickieLexis LaJames and Missus Hevia (Pinfall, Stratus pins LaJames, severely blown Stratusfaction): Jim Ross throwing out snarky lesbian comments…okay, folks, that’s it. I’ve now officially seen it all. By the way, good idea to turn Candice face. It’ll help buffer Trish’s impending departure, and…there’s no other way to say it. She held her own against LaJames and Victoria, two accomplished wrestlers. She’s really working at improving in the ring. You can throw out cynical reasons on why she’s doing this, but the fact that she is is a good thing for the Women’s division. They’re going to take a serious hit when Trish leaves, and every little bit done to counter that helps.
I think this might be in the Kama Sutra. If it isn’t, it should be.
John Cena over Matt Striker (Submission, STFU): Well, it was short. But poor Matt Striker, being sacrificed on the altar of Angle Advancement.
Cena misunderstood our request to go take a flying leap
Rory McAllister over Johnny Jeter (Pinfall, rollup): If any more proof was needed that Ross has gone completely senile, just listen to the call of this match, and all doubts should be dispelled. Either that, or he just doesn’t give a shit anymore and he’s just waiting for ECW to fold so that Joey can come back and take his place again and he can get kicked upstairs. I’m not sure which at this point. There’s ample evidence for both conclusions.
Johnny Jeter, Dancin’ Fool
Jamalga over Shawn Michaels (Pinfall, Clothesline From Samoa…no, Ross, it wasn’t the Samoan Spike): Well, it wasn’t an Angle Advancement Match per se. The Angle Advancement was handled before the match. It was definitely a Push Match for Jamalga, though. Let’s do a little speculation, just for kicks. Imagine having this conversation with someone shortly after Three-Minute Warning debuted:
“Okay, here’s what’s going to happen. Jamal will be released and go to Japan.”
That sounds logical.
“Rosey will get an extended push, but as enhancement talent. Specifically, he’s going to be Helms’ superhero sidekick.”
That’s pretty dire, but I definitely see that happening.
“After Helms gives up the Hurricane gimmick, Rosey will stick around, still in the superhero outfit.”
Yeah, that sounds like “creative”.
“Then they’re going to rehire Jamal, who’s made a name for himself in Japan.”
Typical WWE. Nothing strange yet.
“Then instead of reuniting Three-Minute Warning, they release Rosey, who goes over to Japan.”
Now it’s getting weirder.
“Then they repackage Jamal and give him a Cuban manager, with no explanation why.
Back to WWE’s version of normal, I’m afraid. Hit me with something weird, and quick.
“Jamal gets a main event push, and it works.”
What kind of drugs are you on, and where can I get some?
Jamalga is following a basic principle: keep the action in the ring when it’s convenient
Angle Developments:
Technical Difficulties: Sometimes we do need to be reminded of things. For instance, Shawn Michaels may be the best wrestler at improvisation today (with the possible exceptions of Foley and Flair). When that production flub occurred at the end of the opening promo, Michaels clicked into gear and led everyone, including Vince, into a halfway-convincing cover. So why did the flub happen? The normal reason, really. Someone went off-script and the production guys didn’t get their scripted cue. Hello, Shane. Well, that’s what happens on live television, folks. And thus endeth your lesson for the day.
Odds are two to one that this will be the avatar of a hundred whiteboard retards by the end of today
Self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone?
Advantages: The nice thing about downloading the show is that I can easily skip over shit like anything involving Orton. I did, of course, do that in this case. But I would like to make one observation: I’d do the fake Brooke. Oh, I’d do her.
No wonder 1bullshit Junior was fooled. That is a pretty good resemblance. However, the fact that the guy is no more than five foot nine should have been a tip-off.
Sometimes A Cigar Is Just A Cigar: Slick Rick knows more about cigars than I do, so I’ll defer to him on the issue regarding the tobacco trade: Smuggled Cubans don’t come in nice boxes like that. Those were also lighter tobacco. Probably Fuentes, or something with a Dominican wrapper. The cube box looks like the one and only box of Opus X I ever saw, but I can’t believe even Vince would use that many expensive cigars as a prop in a locker room that shares basically no useful characteristics with a humidor. Mistreatment of fine tobacco is always a crime, Rick. As for the other issues, from what I’ve heard, thanks to years of decay in the Cuban tobacco industry, Dominicans have surpassed Cubans in terms of quality, so Osama may have been doing Vince and Shane a favor if those really were Dominicans. Besides, Vince would be taking no chances. Remember, he still has a persecution complex about the federal government. If he pulled out real Cubans on camera, he’d think that someone would whine to the feds and try to cause trouble (the later skit with Trip being busted for said contraband is typical Vince catharsis). Vince is being overly paranoid, I think, but it would be just like that ol’ bitch Fate to get him in trouble for cigars after he got off on steroid charges, wouldn’t it?
Doctor Freud, we already paged you once. Why aren’t you answering?
The Bouquet Of A ’66 Foley: “I want to taste your blood.” Then Foley’s “absentee father” line. Oh, God, that’s beautiful. We all knew going into this feud that the promos would be great. We had no idea that they’d surpass any of the most optimistic predictions. It isn’t only me. The Raw Regulars are also chiming in about the greatness of these promos. Derrek Croney makes a comeback with this:
My God. Ladies and gentlemen, take notes. You won’t see another shoot interview like this for a LONG time. There aren’t two wrestlers on the planet who can manage to hate each other in such a professional way that it comes across as 5-snowflake entertainment. Watching that promo was like watching Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods, folks.
Chris Arrington contributes the following:
Mick might have nailed line of the year right there before Ric hit him. I laughed my ass off for a good two minutes after he said it. Plus anytime you can mention the greatest of Christy Canyon without sounding sleazy you get a thumbs up with me.
This has become too brilliant for words, folks. I think that any match after this would be an anticlimax, even a Hardcore match. Someone in WWE Marketing has to immortalize these promos on DVD, and soon.
And that closes this out. I’ve got to get to work, so I’ll see you later this week for the Short Form. Ta.
