Chrononaut Chronicles: TNA Impact — 8/3/06

Archive

The Chrononaut Chronicles: TNA iMPACT! — Thursday, August 3, 2006

– A recap of the Joe/Rhino/Monty and Sting/Christian/Jarrett/Steiner issues from last week opens the broadcast before Jeremy Borash backstage at the Impact Zone announces that Sting has accepted Christian’s offer to be in his corner at Hard Justice. Well that’s a bit anticlimactic. Of course, Jeff Jarrett with Scott Steiner in tow appears and accuses Sting, Christian, and TNA Management of collusion. Slick Johnson arrives on the scene and announces that “Jimbo” Cornette will be holding a mandatory emergency meeting tonight, adding that he especially wants to talk to “Big Pappy” Pump. Steiner and Jarrett bully Slick and warn him not to touch Steiner ever again, slapping his bald head as we go to the usual Impact opening.

– Latin American eXchange vs. Jerrelle Clark & Chasyn Rance

Moody Jack Melendez performs LAX’s introduction in Spanish as Konnan chases Mike Tenay and Don West off and takes over the broadcast position. Much like WWE’s interbrand matches, Konnan does commentary from the American-English table with Moody Jack heard from the Spanish table while LAX squashes their opponents. Hernandez slams Clark with the Border Toss (the move he used on Sonjay at Victory Road) while Homicide drills Rance with the Gringo Killa for the uno-dos-tres on both guys.

Afterwards, Christopher Daniels & A.J. Styles (wearing a neckbrace to sell Homicide’s Gringo Killa in a great touch) appear on the video screen and A.J. screams about wanting to put Homicide in the hospital. Daniels stops him from going out to the ring and challenges Homicide to a singles match next week, promising to end it in a 187… BITCH! Konnan refers to Daniels as a “shellless turtle” and states that they’ll do whatever they have to do to get the belts, including stabbing, crippling, and bloodying them. That’s pretty harsh for wrestling, which is cool. LAX is f*cking wicked.

– Borash interviews Samoa Joe, who cuts a good soft-spoken promo stating that he needs to add Monty Brown and Rhino to his checklist at Hard Justice and promises to show them exactly why he is the only man in TNA who has gone undefeated for 14 months.

– When we come back from commercial, Steiner is attacking Jay Lethal in the locker room as Jarrett demands to know where Christian is.

– Another video feature airs on Bobby Roode with current TNA managers such as James Mitchell, Shane Douglas, and Simon Diamond putting Roode over as the complete package and the hottest free agent in professional wrestling.

– The Naturals vs. America’s Most Wanted

Shane Douglas introduces “the newly-Franchised Naturals” and leaves them on their own again. Clips are shown from a cage match between the Naturals and AMW to put over their longtime rivalry as West says the Naturals have always had an edge over AMW and that AMW are on a downward spiral while the Nats are on the way up. The Naturals are on fire early on with some double-teams, but AMW take control until James Storm accidentally clotheslines Chris Harris and Chase Stevens rolls up the Cowboy for the three-count.

Afterwards, Harris and Storm argue as Gail Kim (looking oh so hot in tight daisy dukes) tries to mediate. Meanwhile, Jarrett & Steiner assault the Naturals on the ramp and throw them back in the ring, where AMW lay the Nats out before Steiner dumps them to the floor. The Franchise comes out to survey the damage while Jarrett calls out Christian and refuses to leave until Cage shows his face.

– After the break, Planet Jarrett are all still in the ring as Larry Zbysko appears on the stage in his “Eric Bischoff circa 1996” wig and explains that he just got off the phone with Jim Cornette, who has ordered Jarrett to leave the building because he wants to see Steiner by himself when he arrives later. Larry states that if they don’t comply, they will suffer the same fate as Earl Hebner, so AMW convince Double J to leave.

– A pre-recorded Mike Tenay interview with Sting is next. Sting has nothing bad to say about Cornette and explains that he agreed to have Christian in his corner at Hard Justice because he didn’t see anybody else stepping up to help him out, adding that it takes a big man to apologize on TV like Christian did last week as a clip is shown of Cage clutching the rosary. The Stinger admits that if he can’t take Jarrett out, his return has been a failure but says that there is one thing he and Jarrett can agree on: there isn’t enough room in TNA for both of them.

– Following the commercials, a video feature on Senshi airs announcing that the winner of tonight’s five-way match will challenge him for the X Division Championship at Hard Justice. Senshi analyzes each competitor and points out their weaknesses, but says that no matter who wins tonight, they will face the wrath of a warrior. Good way to get his character over.

– Jay Lethal vs. Petey Williams vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Kazarian vs. Alex Shelley

Lethal sells the backstage beating he took earlier, while clips of the Canadian Destroyer, Hindu Press, and Flux Capacitor are shown during the entrances of Petey, Sonjay, and Kazarian to get their finishers over, which is a cool touch. It’s chaotic right off the bat as Kazarian, Shelley, Petey, and Lethal end up on the floor and Sonjay dives over the top with a somersault plancha onto all four guys. Dutt does his dumb Sprinkler dance as we go to break already. When we come back, Petey does the “O Canada” nutpress on Sonjay until Kazarian knocks him down with a dropkick from the apron. Shelley tags in and lands an Eddie Guerrero-style slingshot senton on Dutt for two.

Petey tags in and hooks up Kazarian for a Russian legsweep, but Sonjay comes in and grabs Petey for a legsweep as well. Before he can execute the move, Shelley joins in and hooks up Sonjay for another legsweep. Lethal then springboards in with a dropkick on Shelley and we get a four-way domino-effect Russian legsweep. That was pretty f*cking cool. Lethal quickly goes to the top and lands the Diving Dynamite on Petey, but Kazarian breaks the pin and becomes the next victim of the Diving Dynamite. Sonjay stops that pin with a standing moonsault and Shelley drops Dutt with a nice tombstone into a front slam. Shelley goes after Lethal, but Jay fights him off and hits the Diving Dynamite. Petey immediately moves in and drills Lethal with the Canadian Destroyer for the un-deux-trois. That was a great finish with actual psychology, as Jay was selling the neck as a result of the beating from Steiner and the three swandive headbutts he had dropped when Petey swooped in with the Destroyer, which damages the neck. Nicely done, although Petey doesn’t seem to be the ideal opponent for Senshi at the PPV.

– Borash is outside the arena when Cornette arrives and JB confirms that Steiner is in the building and Jarrett is gone. Eric Young pops up and says he needs to know for sure if he’ll be fired or not, but Cornette doesn’t have time tonight and promises to get back to him next week before heading into the building. Christian emerges from the car (he “just needed a ride”) and teases Eric by asking if Cornette told him what was going on yet. Eric wants it straight since they’re both Canadians, but Cage says he’ll talk to Cornette and “try to change his mind”. Young doesn’t want to wait seven days as we go to break.

– When we come back, the TNA roster is assembled on the ramps as Cornette is in the ring and explains that he hasn’t been on TV much because he doesn’t believe that the boss should be out there every five minutes getting in the way of the wrestlers. Amen to that, Jimbo. Cornette adds some matches to Hard Justice: AMW vs. James Gang vs. Bentley & Kazarian vs. Naturals for a shot at the NWA World Tag Team Championship; Runt vs. Abyss; and Monty Brown vs. Rhino vs. Joe in a Falls Count Anywhere match. Cornette next notes that Kevin Nash isn’t attending the mandatory emergency meeting and says he’d like to “X” him right now, but instead books a six-man for next week on Impact pitting Nash, Shelley, & Johnny Devine against Chris Sabin, Sonjay Dutt, & Jay Lethal.

Cornette dismisses everybody except Christian Cage and Scott Steiner, whom he calls into the ring and announces that they will go one-on-one next week in an opportunity to eliminate each other before Hard Justice. Steiner grabs the mic and trash-talks Christian, bringing up Canada for no logical reason, but Christian responds that he couldn’t understand a word Steiner said and advises him to spit the marbles out of his mouth. Christian promises to hand Big Poppa Pump his ass next week because THAT’S (how he rolls) and exits the ring, only to be attacked by a fan in a Sting mask who had been shown a few times throughout the show, but looked skinnier before. Hmmm. The fan pulls Christian into the crowd and Steiner joins in the assault as the fan removes his mask and predictably, it’s Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett laughs as we go to a graphic hyping Steiner vs. Cage next week to end the program.

Afterthoughts: I actually enjoyed this week’s show more than last week due to the LAX segment, the X Division match, and Cornette’s emergency meeting. The Jarrett appearance at the end was beyond predictable, but I can appreciate it more than the same angle WWE did with Chavo on SmackDown because this one didn’t require the production team to be in on the plot. Next week should be pretty good, with Christian/Steiner, Homicide/Daniels, and the Paparazzi Productions/X Division six-man on tap. Thanks for reading, and see you in the future.