Boy, Belgian beer is exceptionally [!]
Thank heavens for Belgium. All the benefits of France and Germany without any of the stereotypical drawbacks. Plus – HERGE’S ADVENTURES OF TINTIN. The capitals are mandatory, and you must say it in bold. Billions upon billions of blistering barnacles…
Yes, I somehow managed to fit in one last drinking session before the crazy-fun starts. That does mean that my masterplan of fitting in one last column before the crazy-fun starts was somewhat hindered, though a final bout of lateness does seem rather apt. If you don’t know what the crazy-fun actually is then just read the introduction from last week. I won’t bore everybody with the details again but I would just like to say thanks to those of you who wrote in to wish me luck and suchlike. Consider my cockles warmed.
Now, there’s just time for another Desert Island Matches selection-of-choice, a quick look at the latest news that seems to have the easily-distracted all aflutter in a traditionally pointless manner (omg HARdee boyZ 4life roflholcbf etc!) and rant and rave some more about the brand extension.
Yes, the goddamn brand extension. Been a while since I kicked it in the nuts, hasn’t it?
One more quickie for the road…
The most common response to suggesting that Raw and Smackdown be recombined into a single WWE roster is something along the lines of how the likes of Chris Benoit would never have gotten into the main event scene and wound up with a World Title reign. The people who respond in this way are presumably constantly amazed by the presence of gravity, since they are clearly space cadets. There is no proof in retro-speculation. There is no evidence in alternative recent history. Since Triple H was prepared to put Benoit over huge at the climax of the biggest wrestling event of all time, is there any reason to believe that he wouldn’t have still done just that after building to the match on two shows rather than one? As popular as Eddie Guerrero was at the time, is there any reason to believe that Vince McMahon wouldn’t have still insisted on making him into the champion – or that Guerrero wouldn’t have coped better with the off-screen responsibilities of the championship had he had the support of a fuller locker room behind him? What if? What if? What if? It’s a question best left to Marvel Comics, though it goes without saying that the brand extension is culpable for the likes of Test and Tatanka returning to the fold.
However, there’s no need to panic, I’m not about to call for an end to the brand extension yet again. Although my main concern about it has not been resolved (namely: WWE struggles to maintain the quality of one roster with two shows and finds it inexorably harder to maintain the quality of two rosters with one show each) the ultimate benefit of having separate rosters will be oh-so-very-worth-it when that sweet, sweet day comes and McMahon finally shatters the last link to his carny past and makes the leap from ‘wrestling show’ to ‘TV show’ a complete one.
Yes, we’re going to get proper seasons.
Think about it, it’s already begun to slowly form. There are three rosters, three brand names, three touring parties, all capable of supporting their own PPVs (yes, even ECW2, which should get another before 2007) and all currently supporting a baseline audience that continues to surpass profit expectations. On top of all this, we have our new best friend, the Wellness Paradox. The wrestlers with the best physiques get the best treatment, yet they can’t take steroids. The wrestlers with the most consistent and breathtaking performances will get the most attention, yet they can’t take high levels of painkillers without getting into trouble. The wrestlers that don’t stay on the road for the house shows will not only lose favour with management, they’ll lose money too, yet they need to stay happy and healthy with the suitcase life and the diner diet – not to mention finding gym time and training time. Geez, no wonder Black Roid Dudley and Chubby White Dudley can’t be arsed leaving TNA.
However, if each brand were to have an off-season then this would not be a problem. Think about it – three brands, with at least two operating at any one time. Raw has tradition and managerial belligerence on its side, so we’ll let them conclude their season with WrestleMania and then take April, May and June off. Smackdown can revel in secondary glory by climaxing at SummerSlam, then taking September, October and November off, which would of course involve moving Survivor Series to December. ECW2 can take a nap for December, January and February, leaving the big two to handle the Royal Rumble (now finally, sensibly moved to February) and the Road to WrestleMania before kicking things off again in March. Oh, I know it seems inconceivable and rather absurd but, hey, there was a time when nobody thought the NWA would ever be knocked off its perch, or that WrestleMania would succeed, or that a bald guy in black trunks would ever put butts in seats. This should be the future, I’m certain of that much.
Yes, there would be teething problems, there would be unfortunate casualties, there would be much gnashing and wailing of teeth but, hey, what is the alternative? Continuing to run the product and the performers into the ground with a never-ending parade of worthless live events, unstructured storylines spiralling out of control, and a lifestyle that can not realistically be sustained without descending into self-harm? Would you wish that on your favourites for no reasons other than tradition or selfishness?
The company is chiefly concerned with profit, naturally, but there are plenty of ways in which they could offset the off-seasons with various promotional appearances, the persistent merchandise and DVD sales, making various WWE Films productions without disrupting the regular product, putting things like the Diva Search, Tough Enough and suchlike on as standalone TV shows again, releasing new books and CDs, exploiting their mammoth video library to a better extent than they are just now, and keeping things ticking over nicely on the official websites.
It’s a journey along an unknown route to get to the destination, so there’s no real way of knowing the turning points, but it seems to be the case that the trip has already begun.
So – what if?
TOP 5 W2 SONGS:
1. I Have Found What I Was Looking For (Wouldn’t You Know It, It Was Where I Left It All Along)
2. Where The Streets Have No Name Is An Unfortunate Place To Be A Postman
3. Sometimes You Can’t Make It To The Bathroom
4. With Or Without You But Preferably Neither
5. If You Wear That Velvet Dress Please Add A Balaclava
DESERT ISLAND MATCHES:
Many thanks to everyone that’s sent their picks in. Keep ’em coming and they’ll turn up in a future column, whenever I turn up with a column in the future. Actually, is there a future? Or is it all just one really long day?
Uh-oh, I think I’m in danger of talking guff and confusing myself. Spraffing, that’s the technical term. I think it’s best for everybody if I turn things over to the model citizen that is Thaddeus Martin and get his picks:
“Just to be different, I’m not adding Bret vs. Austin at WrestleMania 13. I’m also trying not to pick matches that I’m almost certain everyone else will probably pick. You will not see the word ‘workrate’ anywhere in here, except for right there. Anyway, these are the matches that I can’t stop watching.
1. Randy Savage vs. Ric Flair – WrestleMania VIII
One of my personal favourite matches with one of my all-time favourite wrestlers (Savage) and the man who’s generally accepted as the greatest ever (Flair). It’s pretty much how I would want my own title match to go, if I was actually a wrestler. I loved how Savage got off his finisher in the middle and Mr. Perfect broke up the pin, forcing them to come up with something else for the finish. It’s something I wished the WWF would have used during the Austin era, instead of ending every match with the Stunner. Anyway, the crowd was hot for this one, into it the whole time, Savage and Flair seemed like they genuinely hated each other, and the match was back and forth the entire time. Plus, the commentary with Heenan acting like he was about to die the entire time, puts it over the top. They don’t do matches like this anymore. I never get tired of watching it.”
A belter of a match. Between this, the best face/face match ever in Hart/Piper, and the pure mark-out value of WOYAH running in at the end (and the smark-out value of Papa Shango waddling out while Hogan and Sid look very confused), WM8 deserves to be remembered more fondly by most. Hell, they even had a WBF commercial with Lex Luger on it. What’s not to love? Anyway, Savage was probably still my favourite at this point in time. He had just come off one of the all-time classic feuds with Roberts (still can’t believe they actually tried to do an on-screen snake-bite in ’91) and went straight into another one with Flair. If they are now going to admit to the Hunter/Stephanie relationship on-air then they could always rehire Savage and have him do the “she was mine before she was yours” bit. I think the internet would break in half. “She was mine before she could bleed!!! Diggit!!!”
“Ah, WrestleMania VIII… the last good WrestleMania of the old days… I don’t think there was another good one, from top to bottom, until WM 14. Then, they skip a few until about… 17 & 18 (well…I think)… I don’t even think I remember 21…and 22 was without a doubt, the best WrestleMania I’ll never watch again.
Y’know… as crass as that Hunter/Savage feud might be, at least there would be a reason for it to take place. And it would be well within their characters. It’s one of those feuds that would hurt to watch. I know I’d love to hear Savage actually say that on live TV.”
WrestleMania XIV? I don’t think so. It was fun at the time and pretty much marked the turning point in the Monday Night War but there’s not actually anything worth re-watching on it other than ripping piss out of LOD 2000 and their shiny helmets. Quite impressive that they were able to have a 15-team battle royal though. Nowadays I think they have about four teams over the three shows and got desperate enough to bring Jeff back.
“2. Ric Flair vs. The Undertaker – WrestleMania 18
This match catches a lot of flack from the internet for some reason. I just don’t understand it, because it’s my favourite match of the whole show. Rock vs. Hogan is a close second. But this match just flowed well to me. See, for me to enjoy a match, I don’t have to have chain wrestling and stiff shots to the face. If you keep the match moving, show some personality, convince me that you hate the man across from you, and make an effort to make the crowd pop, I’m good. And that’s what they did. The build-up factored in, because I enjoyed watching the Undertaker try to come up with ways to get Flair to fight him. It was a real old-school approach to the whole thing. And having Arn Anderson come in at the end was just a wink-wink to us old school fans. This match was probably the last great showing that I think Flair had. It was almost like he was pulling one more out of the bag, just to show us he still had it. And Jerry Lawler’s
comments about Flair’s hair making the blood look worse than it was, or asking Jim Ross what ‘Booger Red’ meant, were just icing on the cake. It’s another one I can’t stop watching.”
Honestly, I can’t remember much about this match. There are vague recollections of Arn Anderson getting pasted, but that’s about it. I’ve only ever seen WM18 once and there was a lot of necessary alcohol involved. Still, we all have favourites that nobody else seems to share. (Like my favourite R.E.M. album being “Up”) I wonder if, after he finally retires, they will release a DVD of Taker’s Mania streak? Smell the enthusiasm!!
“I’d buy a DVD of the Undertaker’s streak just so I could have proof that a man dressed up like a yeti and was actually intended to be taken seriously. I just don’t think my nephew would believe me if I told him about it straight out.”
From Gonzalez to Khali… now that’s progress…
“3. Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker – Badd Blood/Hell In A Cell
Yeah, we all know it’s a really good match, but I love it because if you ever want to learn how to sell and make your opponent look like a million bucks, then watch Shawn Michaels here. No one I’ve ever seen sells like Shawn Michaels. He lived up to his billing as the Showstopper here and once again, showed us some things that we had never seen before. If he didn’t earn the respect of the hardcore crowd during the Mind Games match, he had to have done it here.”
You’d have thought, wouldn’t you? I think there’s a certain section of the audience that will just never respect Michaels, no matter how many classic matches he has. Personally, I’m one of the “grudgingly respectful” crowd. This and the Mankind match you mentioned are all-time classics, no doubt about it. I think Michaels tends to over-sell too much for his own good, to the extent that people are more impressed with all the pretty cartwheels he does rather than the move his opponent made, but he did do a pretty good job here. The mid-air blade-job is staggeringly effective. Again, they should really get around to releasing a Hell in the Cell DVD – particularly if they include the Kennel in the Cell with alt. commentary by Mick Foley, as seen on his Hard Knocks & Cheap Pops set!
“If they actually put out a Hell in a Cell DVD with that Kennel match with the Mick Foley commentary… no, I just can’t do it. Hopefully, someone I know would get it. And to show my appreciation, I simply wouldn’t joke on them for buying it. And it would be really hard to do, considering they paid for something that had the Undertaker/Bossman Cell match on it. And of course, they can’t resist putting that Punjabi Prison Match on there. Okay, now I’m depressed. Why are Hell In A Cell matches good again?”
Because Triple H demands it. Now, genius:
“4. Bret “Hitman” Hart vs. Mr. Perfect – SummerSlam ’91
The commentary alone puts this match on my list. Another back and forth match, with the old-school build during the match, where they start slow by feeling each other out, then quicken as the match goes on. Plus, these are two of my favourite wrestlers and it was a match that I had been waiting to see since Mr. Perfect debuted in the WWF back in 1988. I can’t imagine two other wrestlers who seemed so much like mirror images of each other, and that just added to this match. I can’t imagine someone being a wrestling fan and not seeing and loving this match.”
It’s almost heartbreaking to watch this match again and think about what happened to those world-class performers. Hell, it’s almost heartbreaking just to think about what happened to the Intercontinental Title. Things have slowly began to heal in the post-Russo landscape but still aren’t near the level of the late ’80s/early ’90s, when I used to anticipate the IC matches more than the main events. Certainly hard to imagine somebody unequivocally establishing themselves as a future world champion whilst winning the IC title with the authority that Bret did here. Crikey, I’m being bitter. Shouldn’t start writing these bits first thing in the morning. Anyway, I’m sure that we can all appreciate Hennig’s superhero effort in this match, going above and beyond the call of duty to sell perfectly (nyarf-nyarf) for Bret with a spinal injury that would have crippled a lesser man. Again – we need a Mr. Perfect DVD!
“We do, in fact, need a Mr. Perfect DVD. And yes, what has happened to the IC Title is pretty much criminal. It’s hard to imagine that there was a time when that belt meant something. Maybe it’s me, but I was always of the mindset that the purpose of the people at that level (midcarders) was to try and steal the show. And it seems like they’ve finally gotten three people there who could make people care about that title again. They just won’t show the focus backstage to restore the title to its former glory.
Yeah, there was actually a time when you just knew that whoever the IC champ was, they’d be gunning for the champion next. Maybe I’m just being cynical, but I don’t ever expect to see Johnny Nitro in an extended title feud. It all started when Chyna beat Jeff Jarrett… probably the last great IC champion.”
Jarrett? The last great IC champion? Crivvens, no. In terms of quality matches, the likes of Benoit, Jericho, Guerrero, Angle and Van Dam have him beat. In terms of taking the title and using it to firmly stake a claim for main event prominence, well, we’d probably have to go back to The Rock in ’98. Jarrett’s not bad, but he certainly ain’t great. Still, you’re right about That Chyna Incident being a colossal mistake. Comparatively speaking, Johnny Nitro is a godsend.
“5. Eddy Guerrero vs. Rey Misterio, Jr. – Halloween Havoc ’97
I’ve never seen a match that seemed so one-sided that I enjoyed so much. Let’s face it, Eddy dominated Rey in this one. And there were a lot of things in this match that looked unplanned, like when Eddy yanks Rey off the ring apron at the beginning. It’s a match that coined phrases amongst my friends like, “the stiff lateral press,” and “there’s nothing so stiff as doing it for real.” Eddy looked flat out insane in this one, and Rey was at his high flying best…when he was allowed to get up off the mat. I mean, seriously…Eddy worked Rey over pretty good.”
How many people watching this match at the time could have predicted that both men would go on to become world champions in the WWF? Seriously, in retrospect, it seems absolutely crazy. Also, do you remember some strange rumour around about this time that had Mysterio linked with Jennifer Aniston? I don’t know if WCW mentioned it on-air but it turned up in some glossy Hollywood tabloid or something. Pretty weird, but he’s a lucky man if it was true…
“I know I never expected either of them to become champion. I remember telling my friends back when Eddie first came to the WWF that Benoit was a lock for the title, but Eddie would be the one who really deserved it. Not to take anything from Benoit, or anything. I just never thought they’d give Eddie a chance. Rey, on the other hand…never even crossed my mind. I just didn’t think it would work. And neither did they, apparently. I have never seen a champion get dominated so much, not even Kurt Angle during his first title run. No one’s ever been made the bitch like Rey. And calling the greatest underdog champion of all time? What does that even mean? And what does Mikey Whipwreck think of all this?”
He thinks “mmm, franks and beans for tea!” Or not. I like Mikey because he too has a knackered right shoulder. As for Mysterio, well, it’s amazing that even though he has indeed been made The Bitch, he is still really popular and still makes the company a shitload of money despite their rather peculiar way of booking him. They had better not push this Eddie thing too far though, because between that and his knee injuries I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he burned out like Benoit seemingly has…
“6. The Outsiders vs. Harlem Heat – Halloween Havoc ’96
Yeah, no match that has Kevin Nash or Stevie Ray should be on a ‘best of’ list, right? Whatever. This is back when Kevin Nash could still get around a ring pretty good and both he and Hall were still coasting off their WWF heat. It provided some surreal moments, like when the crowd was chanting ‘Diesel’ and ‘Razor’, and the looks on their faces showed that they wanted to react, but couldn’t do it. This was during the time when Booker T was starting his coming out party as a top-level wrestler. The crowd was into it, the commentary was decent enough, and they kept up a good pace. It’s a match that was enjoyable, yet the internet would still find a way to find fault with it. For the IWC, we’ll file this one under ‘guilty pleasure’. You know you liked it.”
I know I never seen it. Probably never will unless it turns up on a future Booker T collection. This seems to be turning into a “things Iain wants on DVD” feature but, c’mon, this would be a good one – a great one if they had Booker and Stevie doing alt. commentaries. Plus, you just really can’t go wrong with Nash. Admittedly, you can’t go right with him either. Nash doesn’t fit into either category, nor is he easily moved in either direction. He just becomes himself. He is Nash, hear him roar.
“No… that Outsiders/Harlem Heat match is never going to see the light of day again. Not unless they start releasing the old WCW PPVs. And that’s about as likely as that Hunter/Savage feud. Speaking of which, they should put it on the marquee just like that… Hunter vs. Savage. I dunno… the names just fit together. Way better than HHH vs. Macho Man.”
I dunno, billing them as Hunter and Savage just reminds me of The Stalker. He’s a camouflaged huntsman! Buy a ticket! Um, quite.
“7. Eddie Guerrero vs. Chris Benoit – Vengeance ’03
Just watching Eddie trying to wake up the ref and still be knocked out at the same time was enough for me.”
Word.
“Fuckin’ right.”
“8. Triple H vs. Chris Jericho – Raw is War, sometime in 2000
This is back when everything Triple H did was golden, and Chris Jericho seemed to FINALLY be moving up the ladder. I loved it because the ending was one that made a bunch of grown men jump up and down on their beds in the dorm. Did you see that crowd explode? It was like Triple H’s match against Taka, when he somehow managed to convince everyone that Taka could win the thing, just before yanking it all away. Except this time, Jericho actually won the match. It’s one of those things that the masters seem to be able to do, and Triple H was proving here that it wasn’t his relationship with the McMahons that got him to the top; it was his own work in the ring.
I also wanted to add DX & The Radicals vs. Too Cool, Rikishi, Cactus Jack & The Rock, but I only had 8 spaces. It gets honorable mention just for keeping things moving at a fast pace and keeping that crowd so hot. 10 man tags are rare, it’s even more of a rarity when they’re actually good.”
Oh, I remember this one alright. I remember marking out with the rest of the audience, thinking Jericho had done it. Unfortunately, Triple H seemed to enjoy that response so much that he would try and repeat it time and time again, from the Last Man Standing Match to the WrestleMania non-main event to the Hell in the Cell that nobody talks about. Poor, poor, Chris. I’m sure people wouldn’t have minded so much had Tripper been able to keep his performance levels as high as they were in this year but, sadly, that was not to be. Poor, poor Stephanie, I guess…
“Man, don’t get me started on Jericho. I could easily pump out 6000 words on what went wrong with his ‘main event push’. Am I the only one who thought that Jericho’s personal stable would have been a good idea? Lance Storm, Christian and Test were all right there! And how is it that Jericho became secondary to HHH and Stephanie and he was the champion? Okay, I need to breathe. I’m gonna go get something to eat before I get too worked up about this.”
And with that, we’ll let young Thaddeus go fill his stomach to quell his Jerichohol rage. For now, let’s think about what could have been:
TOP 5 CHRIS JERICHO QUOTES:
1. “Kevin Nash? That guy would tear his hamstring answering the phone.”
2. “Well let’s see here, my band Fozzy does rock music and Cena does rap. Rap’s not even real music!”
3. “Your dad was on the road night after night while your mom was all alone, and you wonder why you and your brother look nothing alike.”
4. “When hell freezes over and platypuses fly out of my butt.”
5. “Oh my god, I killed Juvi”
AND, FINALLY, THE NEWS:
The Boogeyman is returning soon, possibly to ECW2 rather than Smackdown. Speaking as a representative of the people that don’t watch any WWE shows on a regular basis, I would just like to take this opportunity to remind you all that we don’t care.
ECW2 might finally be getting its own tapings on a regular basis after the debacle of last week’s show, which made Batista cry. Should this be filed under The Penny Drops, Stating The Obvious, Told You So or No Shit Sherlock?
Memo to the Hammerstein Ballroom fans: “Change the channel”? Funny stuff, but the joke’s on you if you paid to get in.
Jeff Hardy is back with WWE. Prevent AIDS, aim for the chin. Here’s what Jeffrey looks like now:
Oh, it ain’t make-up, bitch…
Meanwhile, Matt Hardy apparently really does have a staph infection and was taken off the road because of that and not the miscellaneous misdemeanours that the intranets have attributed to him.
I seen this truly profound bit of graffiti in the toilets of a pub the other night – “DAZ HATES WUMEN AKA GAY AS FUK, LUV”.
Scott Keith has another book out. Hey, remember when the staff used to get these things for free?
Matthew Michaels went crazy and posted links to a whole load of slutty, smutty Diva crap. Dude, there’s this little thing on the internet that you should really be introduced to. It’s called ‘porn’…
Hulk Hogan is possibly/probably/hopefully going to miss SummerSlam because of a lost smile/knee injury. Gee, now we might not get the joy of seeing two of the biggest tools in the business stinking up the ring together. Stink? Ring? Together? Wank it off, baby, wank it off… Nikita Koloff…
Here’s the trailer for John Cena’s movie, The Marine. Spend a fiver going to see that at the cinema, or spend a fiver getting a copy of Die Hard? Decisions, decisions…
*****
Because why?
Because that.
Chuck Norris vs. Randy Orton at SummerSlam? You heard it here first! And you’re hearing voices in your head! It’s not safe!
Could be sage, though. It is one of the funnier words.
TOP 5 WAYS TO EAT A DOUGHNUT:
1. Sexily.
2. Standing six inches behind somebody at all times whilst walking down the street.
3. Whilst skipping through a school playground, singing “The hiiiiiiiills are aliiiiiiiiiiive with the sound of booooooooooobies… JUGS JUGS JUGS”
4. During a job interview. Want a bite?
5. In the middle of tai chi, so you can come to your senses and realise that you look like a complete berk. OoOoOoOoOo, I get to funnel my intangibles and rescue the mess that is my life by moving very slowly! OoOoOoOoOoOo! Get back to fast food and neon, y’arse.
AND, FINALLY FINALLY, THE REST OF THE WORLD:
Worry ye not, there is plenty of fine readin’ to be done on Pulse Wrestling while the Anti-Pulse has a little off-season of its own.
For instance…
Danny Wallace and Looking Ahead is an ideal way to start. And to answer your question about the Fresh Prince – hell no, it was Marvin Gaye! Come on, you should know better than that!
Steve Murray. Look on the Bright Side. ‘Nuff said.
David Ditch has the Puroresu Pulse to keep you up to speed on all things, well, puroresu. The clue is in the title, really.
David Brashear performs a similar public service with his Lucharan!, substituting Mexico for Japan. Furthermore, he relives the past so you don’t have to in Great-ing Gimmicks of the Past, which is always fun.
Phil Clark and That J.D. Speich Person debate the good times in their Reality of Wrestling column.
Eric S brings the snark in News, Opinions, Etc. and fires up an extra dose at the weekend with the Short Form. He also likes golf.
Bambi Weavil! Make Movement! Naitch! Bam Bam! Why am I so excited!
Vinny T is always good for an Alternate Reality and, to answer his latest question, “yes”.
Jeremy Lambert is At Ringside for TNA. Well, maybe not literally, but you get the idea.
Jeremy Botter and The Botterm Dollar appear to enjoy Umaga, but don’t hold that against them.
And, of course, there’s Daniels, the Atlas of Inside Pulse, who brings Cheap Heat to all and sundry, but especially to sundry.
And…
Let’s let go.
