Words of Questionable Wisdom: What If Civil War Happened In the Real World: Part 3
After the city of Stamford, Connecticut is destroyed by Nitro during a televised fight between the New Warriors, Tony Stark proposes a radical new governmental policy: a global war on Super-villains! Tony in the guise of Iron Man unveils the first step of his plan, an superhero invasion of Latveria to Captain America, who is appalled by the potential abuse of power and disastrous consequences. He however is unable to prevent Stark from presenting the grounds for war to the President of the United States and congress.
As the prospect of war loomed over the nation, the Super-hero community was forced to pick sides, as Captain America and Iron Man chose their respected teams. Iron Man later converged with top representatives from his team of on the threat posed by Doctor Doom. After struggling to explain exactly why the need to invade Latveria is so urgent, Stark reveals some shocking news: Doctor Doom has seemingly acquired the ultimate weapon of mass destruction: The Cosmic Cube! Captain America meanwhile goes out on a public crusade to speak out against the future war but finds himself lost in the mainstream media’s 24 hour news cycle.
In a stunning move far too stunning for just the main series to fully contain Spider-Man unmasked while addressing the United Nations on evidence of Doom’s weapons. (See “What If Amazing Spider-Man #533 Happened In the Real World” in hypothetical comic shops now!) War is declared, and Doctor Doom’s dictator regime is brought down in less than the time it takes between two issues. Just as soon as it started major combat in Latveria is now over…
Or is it?
IRON MAN: Good work fellow heroes. Thanks to diligent planning, and an global coalition we were able to take down Doctor Doom.
SPIDER-MAN: Global coalition? Every superhero I saw in action was American.
IRON MAN: We have Shamrock, Sabra, AND a hero from the Micronesian Islands on our side. If that isn’t a global coalition I don’t know what is.
SPIDER-MAN: Fine… I guess what’s really important is that the Cosmic Cube has been secured, and Doom has been disarmed.
MR. FANTASTIC: Ummm… regarding that issue of Victor Von Doom’s illicit armaments.
IRON MAN: Yes?
MR. FANTASTIC: Upon full inspection of Doom’s castle, we have discovered that reports of Doom possessing the Cosmic Cube to be somewhat over embroidered.
YELOWJACKET: Reed’s right it turns out that the Cosmic Cube was nowhere near Latveria at the time.
SPIDER-MAN: That can’t be… we have satellite photographs of Doom plainly holding an object that appears to be the Cosmic cube.
MF. FANTASTIC: As luck would have it, that turned out to be a box of Hostess Twinkies.
MR. FANTASTIC: And fruit pies with flaky
SPIDER-MAN: Good god… did you know about this Tony?
IRON MAN: There was a slight possibility, but… even without the cube we knew Doom clearly was up to something. Like those secret warehouses he refused to let UN inspectors into.
YELOWJACKET: Actually those warehouses were for storing his vast stashes of Hostess Twinkies.
MR. FANTASTIC: It appears or deposed despot Doom didn’t want to share with anyone.
SPIDER-MAN: What?! This is ridiculous. What about the mobile doomsday weapons trucks?
YELOWJACKET: Those were for shipping in more Hostess Twinkies from outside of the country.
IRON MAN: Well what about the yellow cake he was importing from Madripoor?
MR. FANTASTIC: The only yellow cake was the delicious golden sponge cake that comes with each Hostess Twinkie.
YELOWJACKET: And let’s not forget about that real cream filling. Mmmmmmm…
MR. FANTASTIC: Yes, it appears with most of the world boycotting trade with Latveria, Mandirpoor was his only source of delicious Hostess Twinkies.
SPIDER-MAN: Wait a minute… you had me expose my secret identity to the world, thus putting my family in danger and sell the American people on a war… OVER TWINKIES?!
IRON MAN: Peter… there were many other factors going into this. Extenuating circumstances.
MR. FANTASTIC: Yes, in addition to Twinkies we also found Hostess Fruit Pies. With flaky crust and real fruit filling.
YELOWJACKET: Apple, Cherry, and Peach.
MR. FANTASTIC: And Hostess Cupcakes with fudgey icing and scrumptious creamed filling.
SPIDER-MAN: Damn it Tony… you manipulated data and sold the American people, if not the world on a completely unnecessary war. As far as I’m concerned, I… I… *Pauses.*
IRON MAN: Yes Spider-Man.
SPIDER-MAN: I wish I could quit you! *Runs out of the room crying.*
Meanwhile underground Captain America meets with his team of anti-war heroes.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Fellow heroes… by now we’ve heard some distressing news. Not only have American heroes acted unilaterally in invading Latveria, but Nitro is still on the loose, AND it appears Doom never had any weapons of mass destruction.
WOLVERINE: Well I’d of taken’ out by now bub but I need at least another 2 issues of story to fill out a trade collection. [See “What If Wolverine #44 Happened In the Real World.”]
FALCON: Very funny… This is serious business.
LUKE CAGE: Well they took down Doom, maybe this whole thing will blow over.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I wish Cage, but it appears that this is only beginning. You see even before the incident in Stamford, a slow cultural divide has formed in America pushing people who should see eye-to-eye apart. Meanwhile people with questionable goals have lead us into a War where they may be no clear solution, for dubious reasons. This has happened before, and only one thing can come of this should we do nothing.
FALCON: Is that thing what I think it is?
LUKE CAGE: Christmas! You don’t mean…
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yes… I mean the inevitable creation of a another generation of tragic violent brooding grim & gritty anti-heroes.
WOLVERINE: Why is everyone starring at me?
TO BE CONCLUDED!