Forget introductions. Let’s get down to business. Hogan is down for the count and one of the big “sell” matches for Summerslam is officially off. How will the WWE deal with a big injury (yes, Hogan/Orton is a marquee match for Summerslam whether you like it or not). Also Triple H takes on OOOOOOMAAAAAAAHHHHGAAAAAAHHHH tonight to get revenge for Shawn (or was it to be a sacrifice for Vince). Plus more Diva stuff (trying to edit some of the cursing out of this report)! Keep it here for all the wrasslin’ one could ever ask for on a Monday Night.
We start out with a recap on Shawn’s beat down last week. Shots of Graceland lead us to Vince and Shane McMahon dressed up as Elvis singing pretty badly about what happened with DX last week with “clever” uses of Elvis songs. What its worth, Shane is ten times better then Vince, but that’s like comparing Polio to AIDS. Vince implies that they’re leaving for the night as “Elvis has left the building”.
Opening, fireworks, and we are LIVE from Memphis, Tennessee. Tonight Umaga vs Triple H, Jerry Lawler takes on Randy Orton, and we’ve got a women’s title match”¦ right now!
Trish Stratus vs Mickie James: Women’s Title Match
I know Trish is on her way out, but do you think they could hotshot the title to Trish tonight to have her re-drop it to Mickey at Summerslam. We shall see. Trish and Mickey lock up and”¦. Edge’s music hits. So much for my little prediction. Tonight, EDGE IS TAKING OVER. Mickey James is told to hit the bricks, and Edge wants Trish to stay.
Edge polls the audience about whether or not it’s fair that Edge has to defend his title at Summerslam against Cena, in a pro-Cena home crowd of Boston, and if Edge gets DQed, he loses the title. Edge is sick of it. He asks for the Summerslam poster to be put up and shows that there’s no Edge but there is DX, John Cena, Batista (before he gets injured again), and Trish Stratus. Edge is ok with that because he figured that WWE would make it up to him with the new WWE magazine. Edge heard it was a blond Canadian, so he assumed it was him, but it turned out to be Trish.
Edge is pissed that he’s taking a backseat to someone who hasn’t won a match in a year. Lita says that she’ll get rid of this piece of trash. Trish slugs Lita who is then pulled off by Edge. Spear by Lita to Trish, and she’s down. Lita pulls her up to eat a spear from Edge, but Carlito hits the ring for the save. He clears house for a few seconds before Edge sneaks back in and spears him.
One more for the good guys?
We’re back and Nitro and Melina are at ringside. Sadly, they won’t be on commentary so Melina might be able to scream.
Kane vs Shelton Benjamin: #1 Contender’s Match for the IC Title
Hmmmm. Well that was a little unexpected. Kane is the star of See No Evil which JR reminds us. Kane is about to do his fire explosion thing, but Shelton bulldogs him off the top for two. Benjamin is quick, but Kane catches him as he tries to slide underneath Kane’s legs. Kane crushes him in the corner and follows it up with sidewalk slam. Clothesline off the top by Kane and its chokeslam time. Shelton kicks out of it, hits the ropes, and runs right into another chokeslam. He goes up, but counters it with a DDT.
Kane is dazed and Shelton wanders to the corner. Kane charges, but Shelton gets out of the way. Kane is super dazed, and Shelton comes off the top. Finally, the chokeslam hits. Kane wins! Kane wins! Kane wins!
Winner and NEW #1 Contender: Kane
WWE was in Australia. Everyone was there including people dressed up the Spirit Squad. Stupidity knows no borders it seems. As always, Cena gets the last word, and he is so overwhelmed by the WWE fans. Oh, go get a livejournal John.
Speak of the devil, its John Cena getting a rather negative reaction. Biggest negative reaction for John Cena in a long time. Someone in the audience shouts “we can’t see you!” Cena says that Edge wasn’t on the Summerslam poster because he scares children. Cena also says that Lita signed a big contract with 7-11 for slurpies for herpes. Cena also gets right on Edge for going after WWE magazine, especially considering he was on the cover of CBI this month, Crying Bitch Illustrated. Cena wants Edge tonight, and if he wants respect, he needs to earn it.
Coachman’s music hits, and he announces that Edge is in a mixed tag tonight with Lita against Trish and Carlito. Coach says that Cena is hungry though and proceeds to make an awkward fat joke to bring out Viscera. Match is next after the commercial.
John Cena vs Viscera: White Bread vs Consumer of White Bread
We join the match in progress. Cena is slugging Vis in full Men on a Mission purple. Cena tries for a sunset flip, but Viscera tries the Bastion Booger drop which Cena dodges. Cena hits the ropes but eat Viscera’s fat leg in a bicycle kick. King Mabel hammers away at Cena in the corner, Irish whip to the other corner, and Cena is squished like a penny by a train. Vis covers for two.
Cena is up and gets a few punches. He hits the ropes and tries to hit with a cross body, but Viscera catches him and powerslams him. Viscera lays into Cena with a chinlock, but Cena fights him off. Cena lands the throwback and turns invisible. Vis has advanced decloaking though and catches Cena and whips him around. Vis looks to finish it with a big splash, which Cena dodges. He salutes, picks up Viscera in the FU, and gets the three count.
Winner: John Cena
Say what you will about John Cena (by all means, please do), but he is one strong fothermucker. We head to commercial.
This week in wrestling history, it’s the Showdown at Shea! Heel Hogan vs Face Andre the Giant! All sorts of fun stuff. Hurrah!
Vince and Shane are talking to the police in the back about how Shawn Michaels wants to beat the living hell out of the McMahons. Shane needs to make a phone call though.
So what’s up with Trish? Why she’s pissed off. So pissed off she starts making out with Carlito. That’s cool with Carlito.
Shane wanders around calling for Shawn Michaels. He meets the Highlanders, a couple of divas, and proceeds to get jumped from behind by Shawn. They go flying into Vince’s private locker room where security piles on Shawn. Looks like he’s gone for the night.
We’re back and Shawn Michaels struck an officer. He is sorry, and he’s going to be sorry in jail tonight! Man, I hope he has the passion raped out of him.
Edge and Lita vs Trish Stratus and Carlito: Mixed Tag Contest
So Edge is a guest on Mind of Mencia this week, and he spears Tom Cruise! Dave Cha-who?
Carlito starts wacking Edge and hits a spinning elbow to get the early advantage. Carlito works over Edge in the corner before running into a foot. Carlito catches Edge and turns it into a modified face buster. Carlito is on Edge until he trips him up. Edge hits a drop kick for two and hits a few punches before Carlito fights his way out of it. Carlito hits a few rights and a running knee followed by a clothesline. Edge scrambles to his corner tagging in Lita.
Lita gets in cautiously and Trish gets a tag. Big Thez Press by Trish and she is on fire. She continues to punch Lita and sets her up on the top rope. Trish goes for her cartwheel head scissors, but Edge takes out Trish’s balance. Lita hits a clothesline from the second rope, and slaps on a sleeper hold. Trish fights up, but Lita grabs the hair and tosses her down.
Trish is our face in peril! Lita chokes Trish out across the ropes as an “Edge is gay” chant starts up. Gotta love the South. Lita slams Trish to the mat and proceeds to work her over some more. Trish locks on some head scissors though, and has a tilt-a-whirl take down. Edge hits the ring and a double drop kick sends the heels to the floor and us to commercials.
We’re back and Carlito is in trouble”¦ again. He fights up though and Edge tries to crush Carlito in the corner. Carlito flips off the top rope and flips off the top. Carlito tries for the backcracker, but Edge holds on to the ropes. Eventually, both men get taken out, and Edge makes a tag to Lita. Hilarity ensues as Trish hits a spinebuster for two that Edge breaks up. Edge holds Trish for Lita who is going to come off the top, but Carlito causes Edge to crotch her. Trish does her cartwheel head scissors, while Edge misses a spear on Carlito”¦ and takes out Trish. For some reason, Carlito thinks this is the perfect time to send both him and Edge to the outside. Lita crawls over for the pin.
Winners: Lita and Edge
Hogan update is next!
Smackdown Rebound recaps the Undertaker vs King Booker. The Great Khali interrupts though and he gives the Undertaker Hepatitis C. The Undertaker no sells though and challenges Khali to a last man standing match.
Jim Ross is by himself, and Todd is in the back with Randy Orton. Hulk Hogan has a torn meniscus in his knee and is “doubtful” for Summerslam. Orton says he’s going to destroy Jerry Lawler and will destroy Hogan if he heals in time for Summerslam.
Here comes Flair with microphone in hand. Flair says he was born in Memphis, Tennessee and starts singing for all to brief a moment. Flair has spent a lot of time trying to figure out what makes Mick Foley tick. Flair wonders aloud how he can get Foley to Summerslam. Flair has a copy of Foley is Good with him and he proceeds to drop a few elbows on it. The book no sells of course. Flair tears out a page hardway and tosses the book to the audience. On page 169 Mick Foley’s top match of all time is Terry Funk vs Ric Flair. Flair thinks there are two reasons why Foley won’t wrestle Flair. Foley thinks that he’s afraid that he can’t beat Flair or he knows that he can’t beat Flair.
Mick’s music hits and he says his dirty secret is out. Foley knows that he can’t outwrestle Flair, even though Foley hates Ric Flair more then any other man. This would be the true main event at Summerslam and would put Ric Flair right back on top. Of course, 12 years ago Ric Flair stepped on Mick Foley’s dreams, and Foley made a big promise to himself. He would never ever do anything to help Ric Flair. Mick holds all of the cards right now, just like he did when he signed his contract. Flair, Vince McMahon, and Memphis can all kiss his ass.
Flair says something that gets cut out. Flair wants Foley to go back and rewrite history. Be in the greatest hardcore match of all time and rewrite history. Ric Flair is begging Mick Foley to makes this match. Mick Foley says he wants to make a few new vows. He’ll kick in Ric Flair’s teeth for disrespecting Melina, and he’ll beat the hell out of him for what Flair did to Foley last week. Foley makes it official. An “I Quit” match at Summerslam. Foley’s music hits, and he wants it to be cut. Foley says that this will be the greatest match of Flair’s career, and it could be his last. Flair says one of them is going to bleed to death. Holy hell, what a great promo. Flair/Foley has officially sold me on Summerslam.
Slam of the Week is Randy slapping the King and RKOing fake Hogan.
Randy Orton vs Jerry “The King” Lawler: Is it really wrong to hope Orton “Miss Elizabethizes” Jerry?
The King gets the pop you’d expect him to get. Jerry comes out in a pure white singlet. Damn, he looks pretty gay. Like, Michael Jackson gay. Bell rings and a big “Jerry” chant breaks out. Orton punches Lawler in the back of the head, Lawler slaps him which pisses Orton off. Orton hits a huge back body drop. Orton tries it again, but Lawler grabs the rope and slaps the taste out of Orton’s mouth. Orton drops Lawler with the dropkick and slaps on a rear chin lock.
Lawler fights off Orton with some rights, and lands a big one flooring Orton. Lawler comes off the second rope with a right fist drop, but he misses. Orton goes for an RKO which the King shoves off. The ref nearly gets taken out and while he’s not looking, Orton kicks Jerry in his crown jewels. RKO finishes it.
Winner: Randy Orton
Look out Myspacers! Jeff Hardy is coming back to Raw to illustrate how the WWE Wellness program works.
Diva time. Who’s gone? The audience likes JT, but she’s my guess for who’s getting kicked. Either her or Layla. So they kick off Erica who was the hottest of all of them. The crowd is not happy. I wouldn’t be surprised if they give her a job anyways. The Miz is setting up another diva contest for tonight. Diss the diva!
Summerslam card breakdown:
-Edge vs John Cena for the WWE Title
-Ric Flair vs Mick Foley in an “I Quit” match
-Randy Orton vs Hulk Hogan (maybe)?
-DX vs Vince and Shane McMahon
The divas get a chance to say why they win.
-Jen says she’s agile like a cat but she purrs like a kitty. PUT HER DOWN
-Layla is black and is not afraid to say it. Since it’s the South she gets booed.
-Milena says she practices martial arts and can kick some ass. She’s close enough to black so the crowd hates her.
-JT doesn’t need to tell us anything. The crowd tells her she sucks.
So all four divas get booed. Yeah, good choice WWE by ditching the chick with the biggest tits. Diva talent show on Smackdown. Miz does his military “Oo-rah” and reminds us all why “don’t ask, don’t tell” exists.
Time for a recap of Shawn Michaels getting his ass kicked. This is followed by Shane McMahon baiting Shawn, and Shawn getting arrested. Man, that cop had attitude. Umaga is heading down to the ring right now!
Triple H vs Umaga: Go for broke!
Ok, that’s a Marvel vs Capcom 2 reference. Wahtever. They exchange blows to start off with Umaga no selling a decent amount. Umaga charges Triple H, but Triple H pulls down the top rope. One steel post later and Triple H is on top. Umaga gets tossed into the corner and gets splashed. Triple H tries again and he eats a bicycle kick. Umaga drops some diving head butts and some splashes. Triple H avoids a headbutt from the second rope, but Samoan’s skulls are thicker then almost all men.
Triple H is first up and he hits his knee. Umaga is dazed, but not down. Umaga gets run over by a clothesline and its Pedigree time. Umaga counters with a backdrop though and Triple H is down. Umaga charges right into a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER! Triple H gets two before the ref gets pulled. Triple H fights off everyone and is about to Pedigree Vince when Umaga hits him with the Samoan Spike for the pin.
Winner: Umaga
Vince finishes things off with a Pedigree on Triple H. JR sells it like it’s the start of World War III, but we all know that there will be no multi ring battle royale at Summerslam.
Man, I’m really glad Mick Foley and Ric Flair are on this show because they are really bringing up the entire show. See you all next week.
