Reality Bytes #3: August 7 2006
– As always, this is not a review, it’s a rant.
Topic #1: Hell’s Kitchen.
Ah, so the season is wrapping up and if there was ANY doubt who the obvious winner of the restaurant is going to be, this one pretty much dispelled it. The only ones who were portrayed as anything approaching worthwhile all season were Garrett The Angry Prisoner, K-Grease the Pinhead, and Heather the Bug-Eyed Monster. And now with the exit of Keith, the only guy left who could actually COOK, Virginia doesn’t come across as a particularly intimidating challenger for Heather. On the bright side, at least we only have one more episode of her angry eyebrows and bulging-eye reaction shots to put up with.
Virginia has seemingly been kept along for most of the season as eye-candy and for the bizarre “in love with Gordo” subplot, but having her as the finalist? Not cool. The only thing more scary, to me, is that had she removed herself from the contest last week as teased, we’d probably be left with Heather v. Sara, and that would just be too much of an abomination. After a good start, the show has sadly been reduced to a series of forced-drama commercial breaks where we have to wait four minutes to see who won a competition, instead of concentrating on showing how the bad (BAD!) chefs are learning to become good chefs. I hear that there’s better versions of this show along the same lines out there, but sadly I don’t subscribe to the Food Network anymore and thus I’m missing them. It’s not that I have a problem with the show’s concept or format overall, it’s just that there seems to be very little story to tell outside of the increasingly petty and mean-spirited contestants who make it difficult to actually want any of them to win. In fact, I think I’ll cheer for Virginia, just because.
Topic #2: Big Brother
Speaking of petty and mean-spirited, what HAPPENED to these guys? James suddenly turning on his team and calling Janelle a “fat bitch?” I’ve gotta agree with the Hamsterwatch guy — the show is much more fun when it’s actually about playing a game and not turning every little decision made into a personal vendetta. My favorite backwards logic from the bitter and vitriolic James had to be when he condemned Janelle for putting up “floaters” instead of…who, exactly? I mean, SOMEONE has to go onto the block, right? You can’t abstain from nominating people. She already put Mike Butt-Boogie on the block and he won the veto, so from her end there was very little she could do about that. James going on to whine that “you reap what you sow” is doubly ironic considering that his juvenile temper-tantrum in the name of “strategy” (ie, what’s best for James) lead to him accepting the stupidest deal ever in the form of getting put on the block to try and get Janelle out. Pot, kettle, black. Dr. Will may be an ass, but he’s a brilliant ass who understands that no of this is personal, and he uses that knowledge to his advantage to play everyone like a fiddle this year. So barring Kaysar rallying the troops and making an unlikely comeback win (unlikely given that he’s not doing much this season except for advertising that he’s Season Six 4 Life), I guess that makes Chicken George my new sentimental favorite, because he’s the least irritating of the bunch. Still, like an itchy scab, I can’t stop coming back and picking at it, because it’s addictive TV. Curse you, Julie Chen!
I think the show this year is veering away from the original premise that made it so good and has become increasingly dependent on melodramatic diary rooms (and stupid “phone call” skits with Will and Boogie) and labyrinthine contests and rewards. Person A was in the veto game last week and wagered away his food, but Person B wins a food pass and gives it to Person A, but they’re having a party and only certain people can eat, except for those with food passes or vetos or whatever until everyone’s head explodes. Do they maybe hire extra producers to keep track of who has what privileges on a given week? Is the common viewer supposed to be able to remember any of this, especially with bizarre editing that has Will tan one minute, white the next, and dark brown later? One final note, for the contestants — to “backdoor” someone is not voting to evict the person who replaced the veto winner, it’s deliberately leaving the real target off the original set of nominees so they’re not eligible to play for the veto and thus can’t save themselves when it’s time to be voted off. SO STOP SAYING IT. Diane was not “backdoored”, she was just voted off. Sheesh.
Topic #3: Rockstar: Suave Porn
I think the “reality” portion of the show was the most interesting one in weeks thus far, because it focused a bit on the songwriting facet of the competition, which is something that more of them should focus on. This really shows that they’re not looking for a karaoke singer, ala American Idol, but someone who can actually contribute to the band, such as it is. However, Tommy Lee complaining about anyone’s lyrics when his catalog includes “Without You” and “Planet Boom” is hypocrisy in the extreme. Gilby Clarke’s solo stuff rules it, however, so he gets a free pass. And amazingly, Ryan is not the most annoying person on the show any longer, who’d have thunk it? Tomorrow night (or later tonight, depending on your time zone), Dilana does “Won’t Get Fooled Again,” which should make the show for me. Either that or it’ll be a spectacular car wreck and millions will die trying to change the channel. Either way works for me.
That’s all I’ve got for this week.
