Contradicting Popular Opinion: The Island

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Contradicting Popular Opinion :
An Enquiry Concerning Why Your Favorite Movie Sucks: The Island

INTRO
Now, I know I’m gonna catch some flack for this one. Not because people like The Island but rather because they don’t. It is at the risk of writing Confirming Popular Opinion that I surmount the task. It’s a Michael Bay movie, the guy that brought us such flicks as the contemptible Bady Boys, the goofy Armageddon, and the vaguely offensive snoozefest Pearl Harbor. The artistic zenith of the man’s career is The Rock for gadsakes.

So why do it? Multiple reasons really. Let’s list some. I like lists!

Reason #1: People consider The Island to be under-rated and under-appreciated. It is neither.

Reason #2: I’m sure it is or has been at some point in history, somebody’s “favorite movie.” There is a good chunk of people (I shall call them 12 year olds) for whom the term “favorite movie” is nigh interchangeable with the phrase “the movie I have seen most recently.”

Reason #3: The dang thing has nearly a 7/10 IMDB rating which is a lot higher than many legitimately good flicks.

Reason #4: It hurt me mommy.

The Island

It’s hard to decide where to begin. Let’s see if we can get that pesky plot out of the way first. It’s is about 15 years into the future, and it seems as though the whole world has changed. Everything is sterile and white, people are locked down is some sort of quarantine, and there is a constant warning of contamination. There is some sort of lottery going on, where the “survivors” of this contamination are taken to “the island,” the last uncontaminated (and therefore happiest) place on earth. We are introduced to Ewan McGregor as Lincoln Six Echo. And already, we know that this world is a lie. You see, my daughter is three. I go the playground a lot. I never see any kids with the name Lincoln Six Echo or Gandu Three Echo or Lima One Alpha. Sure, we might be naming kids Moxie CrimeFighter, Apple or Moonunit, but that is neither here nor there.

So, the movie keeps up a half-hearted pretense of this false world being the legitimate FUTURE. Luckily all the clones are pretty dumb and fall for it. Shit, did I call them clones? Fuck, I blew the surprise. They are all clones, used for the purposes of back-up organs for their originals. Anyway, McGregor staggers around stupidly for a while, does some commercials for shoes and X-box, and eventually flees the clone compound with his platonic life-partner Scarlett Johansson. They seek the counsel of sleezy non-clone Steve Buscemi, who points them to the “real” Ewan McGregor, and a substandard 90 minute chase sequence ensues. Ewan classic gets killed, his clone usurps his identity, and then goes to save all of his clone buddies from a “product recall” led by the eeee-vil Sean Bean.

Now, from the looks of it here, you could have a decent movie, right? The problem is that nothing really works in The Island For fun’s sake, let’s look at some of the inherit logical and scientific flaws in the flick.

First off, the clones are all the same ages as their originals. In the real world when you clone something it starts out as an embryo. If 30 year old Steve makes a clone of himself, that clone will be just like Steve only 30 years younger. Maybe future technology will change all this, but I don’t see how or why. Think about it. You are 70. You need a new heart. Do you want the heart of a 70 year old or a twenty year old?

Secondly, if you have the technology to pop out duplicates of 30 year olds, and rather quickly, how come you don’t have the technology to clone just a pancreas? Why make the whole Twinky when you just want the cream filling? I know the answer is PLOT DEVICE, but it isn’t particularly satisfied.

Thirdly, a clone would not have the same fingerprints as it’s original. Trust me on this thing. Your exact fingerprints are no more in your DNA than your current haircut.

Fourth off, whole lines of clones were being recalled and replaced. The cover story used by the clone company is that these folks are going to “the island.” What the hell is their cover story going to be when a new crop of “survivors” show up looking just like the people that left?

Fifthly, people and clones are full of liquid. Much of this liquid is this red stuff called blood. When humans or humanoids oh I don’t know let’s say, get shot in the hand with a nailgun, they tend to leak some of this red stuff in an act I refer to as bleeding. The same is true when a person gets shot and becomes the victim of railing death. They tend to loose blood. I know this film carries a PG-13 rating, but come on! I don’t understand. Why is it okay to show horrifying acts of violence, so long as that violence has no icky consequences? Why is it okay to show somebody get shot with a nail gun as long as they don’t bleed from it? The MPAA is from bizarro world.

Finally, all the clones are free at the end of the flick. Then what? A movie about this thing would be more interesting. You have hundreds of adults who have the mental capacity of 5 year olds. What are they going to do now? I imagine some will be forced into white slavery, other will live quietly as migrant workers, and others will serve their originals as maids and housekeepers. And of course, there will be big debates in congress, and backlash amongst the unions about these in-vitro’s taking all of our jobs. See, that is your movie.

I could talk continuity errors for a while, but heck, let’s forgive them that sin. How about story? Well let’s see, we are looking at probably the most derivative sci-fi movie I’ve seen in quite some time. Apart from being a rip-off of The Clonus Horror, we get parts taken from Star Wars, Logan’s Run, The Matrix and ideas lifted straight from Huxley’s Brave New World and done poorly.

But aside from being derivative, logically flawed, and scientifically innacurate is the writing any good? Not really. The dialogue is very cheesy. Were The Island to have a drinking game, one would need to do one shot every time one of the clones asked, “what is _____?” One would also do a shot each time a line is purely declarative. So one shot for, “let’s move!” “We gotta go!” and so on.

People would need to be hospitalized afterwards.

Not only that, but the dang thing is full of bad expository dialogue. Now sci-fi movies tend to require at least a little bit of expository dialogue. We’re generally in a different world, and some things are difficult to show. Good sci-fi is able to hide this exposition in normal sounding conversation or other clever ways. Bad sci-fi just has one character explaining what is happening while other characters listen and react minimally. Really bad sci-fi, e.g. The Island has one character explain, other characters react minimally, then has another character explain the same thing to a different set of character who don’t really react either, then have another instance of a character explaining the same damn thing again. The only conclusions I can come to are either a.) The writers are idiots, b.) The writers think that the audience is full of idiots, c.)The idiot writers think the audience to be even bigger idiots, d.) A general contempt for the audience and humanity at large or e.) the writers gave the idiot director several options of explaining the basic premises of the movie through different characters and he fatuously used all of them.

Speaking of the director, let’s take a look at the direction of The Island. What are the proper words to describe such a thing… Painfully uninteresting? Well, yes but that doesn’t sum it up quite enough. Unfollowable? Well, yes. The over-edited, nausea-inducing action sequences sequences made it hard to determine who was chasing whom or where anybody was in relation to everybody else. But “unfollowable” isn’t a real word. I guess I’ll just use inept.

The Island is just a miserable experience. It is one of those movies that is really difficult to watch. I tried to focus on it, but my attention inevitably drifted to more exciting things like staring at my hardwood floor or listening to the ticking of my clock. Paying attenion to this movie makes my stomach hurt. If you have kids this analogy might help. You know that book that your kid loves and that you’ve read dozens and dozens of times? You know how the thought of reading that book again makes you a little queasy? The Island offers you this queasiness on the first go-round.

That thing is the film’s most impressive feat.

Pimps

Lucard somehow thinks that real whip cream is better for you than the fake stuff. Not really. Real whipped cream is a nice treat every once in a while, but it 1.) it takes longer, and usually necessitates electronic equipment; 2.)Heavy whipping cream is harder to find than cool whip; 3.)heavy whipping cream is expensive; 4) real whip cream becomes separated quite easily; 5.) unlike cool whip, it requires clean up work; 6.) on certain foods cool whip tastes better than legit whip cream.

I like WOQW but prefer the research stuff over the fan-fiction.

Murray underestimates da’ Bears.

Wind had a column up. Then it went missing. I gather it will be up again tomorrow. Anyways, I owe him some pimps, but have resisted until now due to his column’s creepy picture.