Ok, ok, I’m out of Capcom vs SNK teasers this week. Don’t worry though, I’ll figure out something to shock you kids in the next couple of days. I’m Tom Pandich, and we’re a few weeks away from Summerslam. Apparently, something has happened at John Cena’s house and Edge and Lita are to blame. Also tonight, Hulk Hogan confronts Randy Orton plus can DX regroup after being taken out two weeks in a row by the McMahons. Furthermore, how the hell do you fumble an opening kick-off against the Raiders? Stupid Vikings… Keep it here all night as I’ll be watching Raw while you watch pre-season football.
We start things out with Edge and Lita. Lita looks like a trucker. Apparently some disturbing news about John Cena came up today with John Cena’s father. Hm, Summerslam is this weekend. Apparently I need to pay more attention to the product. Edge says the champ is here! The former champ is not though. Edge says he knows why, but he’ll get to that in a bit. Instead, he’s going to talk a champion, himself. Edge bitches about his Summerslam situation, and the fact that he has to defend his title against Carlito. JR clarifies that it is non-title tonight.
Edge decided to put his feet up and relax. He and Lita took a little road trip to Westbury, Massachusetts. Edge went and visited the Cena house. They go through Cena’s house and make fun of what he’s going. John Cena’s dad talks to them and we can’t hear what’s being said as Edge talks over the audio. Edge pauses the video tape right before he’s about to leave, but he bitchslaps Cena’s dad before leaving. We see it in slow motion, super slow motion, and then a few more times. Apparently John Cena is at home with his father tonight. Edge says Cena is talking to his dad saying how he’s going to beat Edge 1, 2, 3. Edge, of course, says he’s got a different story to tell.
Edge runs through the story of his title runs. Edge wins MITB and beats Cena at New Year’s Revolution. Every story needs a twist as Edge loses the title at the 06 Royal Rumble. Thankfully for Edge though, he wins the title back at Raw. Edge says the final chapter usually has the good guy winning, but this is the real world. Edge will beat Cena within an inch of his life and keep his title.
Mickie James vs Lita: Women’s Title Match
It seems that they’re doing two things now:
1. They’re setting up for Edge/Carlito for the title post Summerslam.
2. They’re transitioning Mickie James to a face for some reason.
Lita takes Mickie James down early and hammers away at her. Mickie flips her way up and kicks Lita right in the babymaker. This is followed by a nice drop kick on Lita. Mickie heads to the second rope, but Lita grabs a fistful of hair and throws Mickie down. Lita then sprawls Mickie across the bottom rope and drops the leg down. Lita brings Mickie up and hits a side-Russian leg sweep followed with a lot of punches and a surfboard.
Mickie fights her way out of Lita’s surfboard. Mickie flips out of it and hits a kick on the way down. Mickie is up and like a house of fire. She hits a few running cross bodies to get the advantage. Lita reverses an Irish Whip into the corner, but Mickey catches her with a hurricanerana. Lita gets up and rakes the eyes, and tries for an impaler DDT. Mickey James grabs the ropes and Lita hits the canvas hard. Mickey tries for a pin with her feet on the ropes, but Edge shoves Mickey off. Lita tries the same thing but the ref sees it. Lita argues with the ref and Mickey rolls her up for two. Mickey kicks Lita in the gut and is about to go for the Stratusfaction. Edge hops up on the apron and Lita tosses Mickey off. While the ref is distracted, Lita hits a belt shot and gets the win. New Woman’s Champion!
Winner and New Champion: Lita
We’re back and it’s Foley! Foley congratulates Lita, but it’s only a slight consolation for Mick. Mick says he folded his hand way too early. Mick Foley says he comforts himself by knowing that he’ll tear Ric limb from limb. In the WWE, Flair has only bled four times. That’s obviously a lie as Hell in a Cell against Undertaker and Triple H, the match against Orton at Backlash 04, the match against Edge at WM 22, and the I Quit match against the Rock makes five I can recall immediately. Anyways, Foley says Flair is an easy bleeder. He also invites Flair to ECW tomorrow night as Foley will compete in something he has been a part of. Tonight though, Foley will just watch the beautiful Melina cheer Johnny Nitro on to victory against Flair.
Umaga vs Jobby McJobbenstein: Squish Squash
In the parking lot, nobody is there yet!
Johnny Nitro/w Melina vs Ric Flair: Woooooooo!
Lawler in regards to Nitro/Melina’s entrance: “That guy’s got the biggest head”. Huge pop for Flair. Nitro starts out by forcing Flair into the corner, hammering away. Flair nails a few chops, catches Nitro’s leg, and hits a few more chops. Flair woos in Nitro’s face before eating an enziguri. Flair and Foley hammer away at each other going back and forth. Nitro gets an advantage as he catches a charging Flair with an elbow. Flair is scooped slammed and Nitro heads to the top. Nitro goes for a huge corkscrew moonsault that comes up empty. Flair hits a chop block and here comes Foley.
Foley gets beaten down a bit before Melina hits the low blow. Foley tosses Flair into the steel steps before picking up the top steps. Foley tries to crush Flair’s head like a grape, but Flair moves. Foley looks somewhat happy with this and proceeds to beat down Flair while a huge “Foley Sucks” chant echoes throughout the arena.
Diva shit time. Time for an elimination. At this point Leylah has to be the favorite. I hope to god JT gets kicked off because I hate her so much. Miz does his little act. Milena gets the boot and the audience is not happy. Miz brings up the fact that if you didn’t want to see her go, you should have voted.
Diva Bullshit Waterfight
Victoria has the ugliest shirt in the world on. It’s a cut off wifebeater with a ten year old Raw logo ironed on. Ok, screw this. I’m not recapping it. WWE Divas win if that matters. Miz gets soaked and electrocuted. That puts a damper on the competition. I was hoping someone else would get taken out.
Randy Orton/Hogan recap. Orton kills legends. He’s wanted in 37 states for legend killing. In other news, Comcast is carrying WWE 24/7. Good stuff. Also, DX is here and heading to the ring.
Here comes DX.DX asks if the crowd is ready and they are. The ring looked like it peed itself. Triple H gets everyone ready to suck it. It’s been rough for DX the past couple of weeks, but Vince and Shane have forgotten one important thing about DX. They forgot that DX has done whatever they want whenever they want. They have a tendency to focus on Vince’s seemingly voracious appetite for cock as they show the new t-shirt. DX has a second thing, but Shane’s music interrupts. Vince also comes out with five policemen. Shane shows a video of what has happened to DX the last two weeks.
Vince says that after is Summerslam, the McMahons are going to be partying down. After Summerslam DX’s party will be over. A huge “Vince loves cock” chant breaks out. Vince says the McMahon name will go down in history. Vince talks about all of his power, and says the McMahons will bring down the wrath of Satan on D-Generation X. There is no chance in hell”¦. Triple H interrupts at that point saying the he’s not going to let Vince go out with his music. Triple H says that Vince has forgotten who they are. Triple H says that they’re going to kick their ass at Summerslam.
Triple H doesn’t care who Vince wants to bring. Whether it be someone in the back, someone off the street, or Satan himself, they’ll be telling them what they tell Vince right now. Suck it! Staredown as we check the parking lock. Nothing is in the parking lot as we head to commercial.
Spirit Squad vs Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Eugene: I’m not recapping this crap either
Screw this bullshit. Eugene and Hacksaw win due to Highlander interference.
Winners: No one who watched this match
Vince and Shane are having a conversation and Armando interrupts. He offers Umaga’s services to Vince at Summerslam. Umaga flips out when hearing this.
We run through the Summerslam card:
-WWE Champion Edge vs. John Cena
-World Heavyweight Champion King Booker vs. Batista
-D-Generation X vs. The McMahons
-Hulk Hogan vs. Randy Orton
-Mick Foley vs. Ric Flair (“I Quit” Match)
-Rey Mysterio vs. Chavo Guerrero
Trish and Carlito are in the back. Trish wants Carlito to kick Edge’s ass. They smooch and Trish says that’s cool. “You’re damn right it is.” Good stuff. A herpes commercial is not cool though.
WWE Rewind is about the Carlito and Trish’s dealings with the two champs.
Carlito vs Edge: Your main event next Raw only PPV
My guess is that Cena interferes to give Carlito the win. I think Edge is going to retain at SS building to a quickie feud with Carlito before the belt lands back on Cena at Survivor Series or New Year’s Revolution. Carlito hits the back elbow early, but Edge fights back hard. Edge tosses Carlito into the corner hard, but Edge runs into Carlito foot. Hard Irish whip into the corner floors Edge. Carlito drops the knees for two. Edge fights him off though and tries to dump him over the top. Carlito lands on the apron and slams Edge’s head on to the turnbuckle. Huge springboard corkscrew moonsault gets two as Lita puts Edge’s foot on the rope. Trish comes over to get some, but Lita pulls Edge out to protect her. Edge hits pretty hard on the floor as we go to commercial.
We’re back and Carlito is writhing on the canvas. During the commercial, Edge caught Carlito with a one legged drop kick as Carlito came off the top. Edge puts a “lower back hold” on Carlito which Carlito fights off. Lita grabs Carlito leg and then gets floored by Trish. Carlito hits a drop kick followed by a springboard elbow for two. Edge charges and Carlito hits the second rope and backflips over. Carlito hits a huge hurricanerana. Carlito gets up and goes right down with an Edge-o-matic. Spear attempt which Carlito leap frogs. Backcracker is blocked, and Carlito is jacked by a spear. Cena hits the ring causing the sports entertainment finish. Edge escapes through the crowd.
Winner by DQ: Edge
Starburst spot of the week was the CarKO. Edge/Cena stuff is recapped. Here comes Randy for the main event promo. Orton has got a microphone. He says he waited all night for Hogan. Hogan is a coward and so forth. Video package. Orton doesn’t get Hulkamania (neither do I Randy). Orton is inspired to be the Legend Killer by Hogan. He will destroy Hulkamania forever. Blah blah blah. Hogan’s music finally hits, and it’s fake Hogan. He looks quite a bit like Hogan though other then being a few inches shorter. Some of the crowd cheers him anyways.
Fake Hogan says Randy Orton can kill Hulkmania because Hogan has the knee injury, and so forth. Fake Hogan rambles on like regular Hogan. Real Hogan shows up, boa and all.
Orton tries to beat down Hogan while he gets into the ring. Hogan no sells it. A few rights and a big boot later, Orton flies to the outside. Fake Hogan attacks real Hogan, and real Hogan shakes his finger in the face. Fake Hogan no sells the Irish Whip, but flops on the right. Hogan drops two elbows, followed by ten punches to the face. Hogan picks up faux Hogan and tosses him to the outside. Hogan grabs a microphone and says he won’t have his family insulted in front of all these Hulkamaniacs. Hogan drowns on, the crowd eats it up, and that’s it. Show over.
It was a pretty weak sell show. Cena is strongest on a mic, but he didn’t get a chance to go after Edge. Furthermore, Foley and Flair didn’t really get that much time to go at each other, and as you probably know, I really dislike DX at the moment. Coupled with Orton and Hogan, I went from stoked to eh about this Pay Per View in a matter of weeks.