IF YOU DID, YOU WOULD KNOW
WHY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
ZOMBIE WRESTLERS…
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Hey Michael Gross is on the show right before RAW… I guess it’s Law and ‘SI’ or ‘C’ and Order… anyway, it’s just ending before Raw, and it gives me the lead in to who our characters are today!
The Rabble:
Eric – Alex P Keaton
Jenna – Malory
Hernandez – Jennifer
Bill – Elise
Chris – Nick
..and your very own Skippy, me, James Hatton.
And we are the Family that Ties.
Starting the show though is Edge with Lita! Hernandez informs us that Edge apparently attacked Cena’s father earlier today… whatever that means. Tonight, Lita will also be facing Mickey James.
Edge informs us that ‘The Champ Is Heaaah’ – and John Cena, not so much.
Edge recently has been stressed out.
“Tell us about it!” – Bill
Tonight he has to defend against Carlito! He needed some R&R, take his hair down..
“Your hair’s already down…” – Eric
So he went to Cena’s hometown and we get to see the video… Edge and Lita walk around the house, doing John Cena Cribs. They go through his house commenting on Cena’s stuff.
“Is Edge Rabbling himself?” – Hernandez
“We’ve become redundant” – Bill
Mister Cena comes in and they bibble back and forth to each other. A note on this is that we don’t get to hear any of the in house dialogue… Edge commentates over it all, so I guess you have to go online to see it. He told Cena’s father he’s going to beat him one two three at Summerslam.
“Cena’s Father?” – Hernandez
“I didn’t even know Cena’s father was #1 Contender!” – Bill
Edge also slapped the shit out of Cena’s dad… which we watch 30 times in slomo. Tonight Cena’s home with his dad, nursing him back to health.
Edge explains his story:
Chapter One – winning Money In The Bank
Chapter Two – New Years Revolution
Chapter Three – The Live Sex Celebration
“Lita’s nipple on live tv” – Hernandez
“Is it Tuesday already?” – Me
Chapter Four – Royal Rumble defeating Edge & Rewinning the Title.
This though is Chapter Five.
The good guy doesn’t always win apparently…
“Sure he does!” – Me
..and later.. divas…
Also – Hogan’s here tonight!
“Brother brother brother skip the bloodtest brother!” – Hernandez
And as we mentioned earlier, coming next, Lita vs. Mickey
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:10
Here comes Mickie James with Lita already in the ring.
MICKIE JAMES vs. LITA
Sure! INJURIES!
Lock-up!
“Jeff Hardy should run in” – Hernandez
Lita throws Mickie and Lita hits a leg scissors takedown.
“SHE DID A MOVE!?” – Hernandez
“I missed it?” – Eric
“Dust came off of her.” – Jenna
So Mickie throws Lita into the corner. Lita bombs a flip, and Mickie trips on a cartwheel… but then kicks Lita and drops her hard. Mickie runs up to the top turnbuckle then gets hair pulled down to the mat and kicked down.
Lita then bitchslaps Mickie, who then goes and punches Lita in the gut. Lita then goes and side russian leg sweeps Mickie down and some closed fists for two. Lita sets Mickie into a surfboard, but Mickie fights up – FLIPS OUT OF IT! And headkicks Lita. Flying elbow from Mickie.. and another!
Two count as Lita gets up and thumb pokes Mickie. Lita goes for the Edgecution DDT and Mickie holds to the ropes, but Edge stops it…
“I like the fans booing Edge for stopping an illegal pin.” – Bill
Lita drops Mickie in the corner and goes for an illegal pin of her own that is caught by the ref. Now Edge gets to the turnbuckle and distracts the ref as Lita grabs the belt and WHAMMO…
ONE TWO THREE – That is That.
WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: LITA
And in the replay.. I saw gold lamee’ cameltoe… fabulous. Lita also broke a bra strap.
“That was like a WCW match.” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:21
In the back, Mick Foley giving a hearty congrats to Lita. Mick though has been upset with himself for the last week… it should be noted that he’s wearing Cactus Jack gear.
He’s sick to his stomach that he has agreed to Ric’s match.
The fact is that in 10 years of WWE action, he has been busted open four times. Anyway he’s going to cheer on ‘Belina’ with Nitro face Flair tonight…
..kay..
So Umaga is here.
UMAGA vs. JOBBY MCJOBJOB
Squash?
Umaga slams into Jobby.
“So he goes from facing Trips to this guy?” – Eric
“This guy is in DX..” – Hernandez
“He hasn’t gotten his green tights yet.” – Bill
Umaga hits the toss-up samoan drop.
“Nevermind” – Bill
Squashes him in the corner. Throat punches him. Pins him.
“Jobber needs food..” – Bill
“..badly.” – Eric
WINNER: UMAGA
“He didn’t even smudge his makeup.” – Me
Tonight: The McMahons are here and so is DX… OH MY GOD!?!?!?
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:32
Oh my, here comes Nitro w/ Melina. Melina actually looks ok tonight… well, if you don’t consider her face.
“WOOOOOO!” – Bill
Hey, here comes Ric!
“I already wrote it down Bill.” – Me
“HEY!” – Bill
Bell rings and Nitro throws Ric in the corner and the chopfest begins.
Tosses Nitro to the ropes – reversed – and Ric catches Nitro’s leg and the chops go again! Ric ontinues to hold onto his leg and he get an enziguiri and a pin for two. Now Nitro tells Flair what’s coming next and begins to kick him in the corner. Now MORE chopfest.
Flair tosses Nitro to the ropes and hits a back elbow. Nitro gets up and drops Flair! He runs up to the top rope, corkscrew moonsault AND A MISS!
In runs Foley! And we are on DQ time.. Foley attacks Flair in the ring and throws him out. Flair gets tossed into the steps and Foley grabs the top set and here he comes.
“On his way to the zombie faction!” – Bill
Foley, Nitro, and Melina leave together with Flair.. probably bleeding.. on the outside.
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:43
So there are chicks in the ring. One of the chicks has a shirt that says ‘MILF’
“She’s out” – Bill
So who is out?
“Who cares?” – Me
MOving on to the Hard Rock..
“Hard Rack?” – Eric
“That was a bit of a Freudian Penis..” – Bill
And they voted off…
“THE MIZ” – Hernandez
So Melena is off.
“Too tall and ethnic” – Bill
Their night is not over yet… because amazingly we wonder why they have to wear a white shirt and bikini bottoms… I mean someone out there probably cares.
They have to face diva’s in a water fight. So here comes Candice, wearing a pink number…
“People need belts for bikini bottoms?” – Eric
“Shhh.. don’t you worry your pretty little head.” – Me
Victoria in a cut-off shirt, not looking so bad. Torrie in a yellow sportsy outfit, and it seems it’s cold in the ring.
So they can get each other wet for one minute…
They do so.
..and when it’s over.. the only winner …. is the janatorial crew.
..the divas win…
Miz runs from the divas.
“Because he has electricity in his hands.” – Hernandez
“COAT HIM! COAT HIM!” – Me
DX is coming out next, and WWE 24/7 will be on Comcast.
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:56
ARE YOU READY???????!
To the people watching… all over the place… at home.. millions and such… and it’s Vince McMahon’s favorite thing to do..
LET’S GET READY TO SUCK IT!
Shawn explains how last week was undesirable, as he sat in the clink. Vince and Shane seemed to have forgotten something about DX. Two things seperate DX from everyone in wrestling.
One – they have done always what they wanted… literally, whenever.. literally.
For example – they like to focus on Vince McMahon’s voracious appetite for cock. I can say it.
The second thing is…
HERE COMES THE MONEY!
“Where’s Dani?” – Hernandez
Out dances Shane! Annnd… NO CHANCE…. here comes Vince with a wall of cops.
“JOBBERS!” – Bill & Jenna
“JobberJobberJobberKurtAngle” – Bill
“BashamBashamJobberJobber” – Me
So Shane explains that DX has been beaten down by Vince – and their party is over. Along with a video package and a VINCE SUCKS COCK chant. There is only ONE name that will live through the annuls of time…
“Owen?” – Chris
“Von Erich?” – Bill
“Dusty?” – Me
Oh.. Vince. He explains that he can bribe cops, the national guard, whomever he wants to get rid of whomever he wants.. he can bring down the Wrath of Satan if he wants.
“Did he just equate the National Guard with the power of Satan?” – Bill
“AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORRRRD” – Me
Trips explains that Vince seems to have forgotten that THAT GUY IS THE HEARTBREAK KID.
“Kick Pedigree Over” – Hernandez
He is the King of Kings He is the Cerebral Assassin.
“Superkick – Over.” – Hernandez
And they are Degeneration X… and they are going to kick his ass. So whomever Vince wants to bring down, DX doesn’t care. He wants to bring down the devil?
“He can do so at InHisLikeness.Com!!!” – Me
They will tell them all to SUCK IT….
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:16
Oh – they keep flashing to the back for the arrival of Hulk Hogan.
So in the ring is the Spirit Squad…. facing who?
…HACKSAW & EUGENE!??!?!?!?
“Eugene still has the green paint..” – Eric
“This segment also known as ‘killing time” – Chris
SPIRIT SQUAD vs. THE RETARD CONNECTION
Non-Title… Why?
Duggan starts in the ring with Mikey – ducks a clothesline – but gets slammed by Hacksaw. In runs Kenny and Hacksaw punches BOTH OF em and hits the double noggin knocker. DUggin gets distracted by a member of the SS and thrown out by Mikey.
The SS charges Hacksaw against the apron.
“EUGENE LOVE CHUNK!” – Bill
Eugene helps DUggan back into the ring as the Highlanders run down to the ring.
“HE’S ROBBIE” – Bill
“I’M ROBBIE” – Me
So now Mikey and Kenny doubleteam on Hacksaw in their corner… back and forth they tag. Mikey does a cartwheel and gets ELBOWED by Hacksaw. Finally Duggan gets the tag to Eugene and begins to clear house. Hits the Rock Bottom SOLID onto Mikey. Then picks up Kenny for the airplane spin. Mikey catches Eugene offguard and a double clothesline.
“His kneepads have green too..” – Eric
“I find it amazing Eugene has continuity and nobody else does..” – Me
So Highlanders run in hit the Scot drop while the ref deals with the Spirit Squad – and Eugene gets the pin for three
WINNER: EUGENE & HACKSAW
Oh.. that’s why…
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:25
Hey – Jeff Hardy’s back… next Monday even…
Vince explains in the back that we will never hear those ‘two words’ again. Armando shows up who wants to introduce himself, ha. As he tries to introduce himself he’s stopped, haha… but the crowd finishes it even as Vince stops him.
He offers them the Samoan Bulldozer..
“Al Jolson.” – Chris
Umag’osie shows up.
“Al you’ve let yourself go” – Hernandez
And nothing else happens…
We get a rundown of the Summerslam matches.. the only one of note:
Rey vs. Chavo
“For the soul of Eddie Guerrero” – Chris
In the back, Carlito and Trish talk. They kiss.
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:34
Carlito down with Trish. Trish winning the LECH AWARD OF THE WEEK in Jeans no less! Where oh where is my Maria?
And here comes Edge with Lita.
“Matching belts!” – Hernandez
“Both Women’s Champions…” – Bill
CARLITO vs. EDGE
More Non-Title!
Locking up to start – and a throw to the ropes – back elbow from Carlito.
Carlito hits a nice suplex and gets a one pin.
Edge runs Carlito into the corner and starts unloading fists and elbows. That joke writes itself. Edge charges Carlito into the corner and Edge eats boot. Some shoulderchecks. A HARD throw sends Edge to the corner and face first to the mat.
“He held Triangle all the way.” – Me
Carlito slams him down and then hits a legdrop. Edge then punches Carlito now begins pummeling him down. A toss and reverse from Carlito to Edge.. Carlito gets thrown to the outside apron. Plancha onto the top rope, full 180 corkscrew drop onto Edge.
Carlito goes for the pin and Lita puts Edge’s leg on the ropes… out of nowhere, we blink and Lita has hit Trish. Sure.. why not.
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:42
We’re back and Edge elbows Carlito. A kneedrop from Edge for a count of two. Now Edge hits with a sitdown bearhug.
“What’s he doing, hugging him?!” – Hernandez
“Awww a hug” – Bill
“Stop whispering in his ear..” – Hernandez
“He’s not – he’s giving him a hickey” – Bill
So they sit for awhile. Carlito fights out and hits the ropes and Lita holds onto Carlito’s leg – Trish charges and clocks her.
“Watch Lita’s knee spin!” – Me
Carlito hits the dropkick – the kneelift – the second rope back elbow for TWO!
Edge charges Carlito – Carlito hits the top rope moonsault!! Edge throws Carlito down for two… he tries to follow up with the Spear, but as Carlito gets to his feet – he leapfrogs the Spear!!!! NICE!
Aww in runs John Cena!??!
DQ DQ DQ… shock….
WINNER: CARLITO VIA DQ
So John rolls with Edge to the outside and they go nuts, and they go RIGHT to the screen of Orton & Hogan.. maybe a fan ran in, maybe security missed something, maybe somebody got in the way – but it seems something went wrong somewhere.
Hmmm…
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:48
During the replay of Cena charging in..
“He’s enraged!!!” – JR
“Enraged Razberry?” – Hernandez
So now here comes —
“Hey!” – Bill
“Hey!” – Hernandez
“Rey?” – Me
“Say!” – Hernandez
“Hey!” – Bill
“Mine?”
“Hey” … ok you get it…
“I don’t have powdered toast man anymore, but I have Randy Orton..” – Bill
“As the lights carress him..” – Hernandez
“They show his mighty form” – Chris
“Be a man Hulk!” – Bill
“Is this how we end the show?” – Chris
Randy has been waiting all night.
“In his underwear?” – Hernandez
“He’s afraid you’ll shit in his bandanna” – Chris
So we get a Randy Orton video package.
“I pride myself on being Randy Orton” – His own video
“ORTON DESTINY CHAMP!” – Bill
“DESTINY ORTON CHAMP!” – Me
“DESTINY ORTON CHAMP LEGEND KILLER” – Bill
“ORTON CHAMP LEGEND DESTINY KILLER” – Me
Orton has a secret to share with Hulk.
“I love you” – Bill
He is the reason he wanted to become the Legend Killer all these years..
“Not my dad.. or granddad” – Bill
Because he would do the same thing week after week and people would continue to chant his name. Orton just didn’t get it.
“I… I still don’t really..” – Me
Orton wants to kill Hulkamania dead. This weekend he fufills his destiny.
“…orton champ” – Me
All it’s goin to take is one RKO..
“In the back of the car?” – Eric
And here hits Hogan’s music. Here comes Hogan! Oh… nevermind.. it’s fake Hogan.
“Those are….. eight inch pythons?” – Bill
“Sir your pythons died three years ago..” – Me
“…hey, that’s not Hogan…” – Dani
“GOOD WORK HON!” – Me
“Dani of Baker Street” – Bill
“Encyclopedia O’Brien” – Me
So fake Hogan blah blahs on for a bit. As he mentions soiling all over Orton, which is the most ironic thing ever…. the music hits again.
“THE HUCKSTER” – Hernandez
“I’d mark so hard..” – Me
“HEY IT’S HUGGLES!” – Bill
So here comes Huggles in the boa.
“The deadly boa” – Hernandez
“Hogan don’t take the stairs… don’t take the stairs!” – Hernandez
So Hogan rolls into the ring and gets kicked down, until he gets to his feet… and NO NO NOs it and the big fists – tosses Orton to the ropes… the boot and Orton bails out of the ring – and his music chimes in again. Just like that.
So the fake Hulk tries to hit Hogan in the back… and Hogan does the big point. Fake Hulk gets tossed to the ropes so hard he misses the boot. He gets slammed down and hits an elbow. Two of em…
“Wait! Hogan learned a new move!!” – Me
He then beats on fake-Hulk a bit.. picks him up and throws him out of the ring for the music to hit one more time.
“Now Orton… you know brother, you can come out here and joke all you want in front of all these Hulkamaniacs, brother…”
“Thank you and goodnight. I’ll validate your parking if you need it” – Eric
Hogan’s glad he inspired Orton, but there is one legend he’ll never kill.
“Undertaker” – Me
“Macho Man” – Hernandez
“Eddie Guerrero” – Bill
‘Whatcha gonna do when the power…’
“AND THE GLORY, BRING DOWN HERCULES!” – Me
‘..runs wild on youuuu..’ – Huggles
“Aww…” – Me
So the music hits – there’s pomp – the end.
“The night got crushed by that.” – Eric
“That should have been the 10 o clock spot” – Bill
“Bill’s Gay.. almost as gay as the show.” – Hernandez
“Ehhh…. yeah gay.” – Jenna
“The show.. the show was gay?” – Bill
“uhm no.” – Jenna
“Terrible” – Chris
“I didn’t watch it” – Me
“And I will explain also that the show was the lame. Boring and such.” – Me
That was that.
For those who are missing the Penny Arcade – fret not – she just moved and if this spot isn’t filled up with her vivacious wit by the time you see this, then it will definately be here next week.
So we’ll see you at RABBLESlam Kids…
