Try “god”, bitch.
Like I’m paying attention here. It’s PGA Week, and it’s in town. And the traditional pairings are holding, so the ratings are going to be tremendous on Thursday and Friday with Tigger and Lefty in the same group. I’m not going to disguise things here: I’m rooting for Tigger. Not only because everyone in Chicago loves him (because he loves Chicago, given his success in the area), but because I want to see ABC go into total spaz mode and get the screaming shit fits in regard to the Skins Game. “We’ve got Tigger, we’ve got Lefty, we’ve got…Geoff Ogilvy? Who do we get for a fourth? WHO DO WE GET?!” And in the meantime, they’re still ignoring a Women’s Skins Game, which would have an incredible lineup this year of Annika, Karrie Webb, Se Ri Pak, and Sherri Steinhauer. Think they would have bit if Michelle Wie would have won the British?
Oh, well, enough about golf. On to other stuff.
Many people think I’m not being fair toward The Imbecile Bill Simmons. After all, there are so many sportswriters out there who are complete ‘tards, so why am I focusing on him? That’s true. I should call out other sports writers who put forward ‘tardish behavior, and not only those that work for espn.com’s Page 2. So let’s give a shout-out to Peter King of SI, the long-time football columnist. In his Monday column on si.com, he bitches about the Illinois Tollway and how he didn’t have exact change to get on. Legitimate beef for someone who doesn’t have the good fortune to live in the Chicagoland area? No. Let me tell you why.
First of all, he’s no rookie when it comes to driving around the Chicago area. He should have known that, a year and a half ago, Rod the Mod decided to push the use of IPass, the electronic toll system. At the beginning of 2005, tolls on all Illinois toll roads doubled if you pay cash. Therefore, what used to be a fifty-cent toll now costs you a buck. And, yes, if you’re getting on at certain stops, it has to be change; there’s no human attendants. If your travel plans include taking any tollway in Illinois, you take a lot of change. Simple, really.
Then there’s the fact that for such a well-known award-winning journalist who’s been covering football for a long, long time, he’s not very observant. His travel plans were, essentially, correct: he was driving from Chicago to Green Bay. That’s the smart way to do it, really; it’s not that long of a drive, and if you don’t hit traffic going through Milwaukee, it’s clear sailing. As someone covering football for a long, long time, he’s made this drive a number of times. His travel itinerary indicates that he was going from Halas Hall to the Den Of Evil, since he mentions getting on I-94 at Lake-Cook Road. My question is: why is he getting on I-94 at all? He’s made this trip God knows how many times, and yet he hasn’t discovered the goodness that is US 41? For those of you not from the area, US 41 splits off of I-94 before it becomes toll road. It runs pretty much parallel to I-94 when the latter becomes a toll road. It then merges back with I-94 just before the Wisconsin border.
Here are the advantages to US 41:
1) It’s virtually an expressway anyway. There are very few lights between Lake-Cook Road and the Wisconsin border. I never have any problem doing 70+ down it.
2) There are gas stations on US 41 that are cheaper than those in Wisconsin.
3) You avoid the traffic at Grand Avenue that always builds up on I-94 due to Great America and Gurnee Mills.
3a) Less traffic in general, especially during rush hour.
4) The Fuddrucker’s at US 41 and Lake-Cook Road is one of the best of that chain.
5) No f*cking tolls.
When I was working in Chicago and living in Kenosha, I took US 41 every damn day, and it didn’t cost me any travel time (in fact, it probably saved me a lot) and saved me a whole bunch in tolls. God, I hate the f*cking Tri-State, especially now that construction has entered the ridiculous phase.
If you don’t believe me, ask Kubryk. He lives up there. So, Peter King, for his inability to read a map, is a ‘tard. Now you can lay off me and my alleged obsession with the Imbecile Simmons.
You know who else is a ‘tard? Alan Wojcik, the guy who constantly pimps his TNA recaps out to any site that’ll print them, and we’re stupid enough to be one of them. What the f*ck is a “chairscendo”? The term is “con-chair-to”. And if you must use the abominable current nickname for Low Ki, spell it correctly, will you? What a stupid f*ck. First Keith Lipinski, now him. It’s like I have to be karmically cursed by having the Polish stereotypes here to counter my vast intelligence and erudition. Remember, only retards and Vinny use wrestlers’ nicknames when talking about them, and Vinny has a dispensation from me to do so.
Let’s just get on with the normal stuff now…
THE PIMP SECTION
Lucard makes fun of our more primitive ancestors.
Anderson and Geraghty recap Hard Justice, for some reason.
Vin-Man, fortunately for all of us, doesn’t bring up Bif Naked’s repulsive cover of “We’re Not Gonna Take It”.
Neeley looks at the quasi-indies for a change.
It’s NFL exhibition season, and that means that Pomazak is back full-time.
Padilla does the off-season ice thing.
Pusey has to deal with the fact that the four recognized heavyweight champions are from Russia, Ukraine, Belarus, and Kazakhstan. Somewhere, Ivan Drago is smiling.
Basilo is now officially pre-cancerous.
Gloomie looks at bands that can’t construct a classic album, but have Greatest Hits albums that are must-listens. By the way, the only reason Cheap Trick wasn’t on that list was because Live At Budokan snuck in under the wire.
Paul is now back in civilization, where they have things like antibiotics.
IF ANYONE CAN LINK “HARD JUSTICE” WITH “FLAMES” WITHOUT USING THE WORD “FAGGOT”, PLEASE WRITE ME
Why am I bothering with this? We not only have Anderson doing his commentary (Ken is always welcome in our little playpen), but now we’ve got Geraghty on board doing his stuff as well. Supposedly, we picked him up from Keith’s blog, where he was doing…well, essentially what Keith was doing ten years ago on Usenet. Hey, I don’t make the hiring decisions here. In any case, this would be a third recap of a minor TNA PPV, which may be the closest modern-day analogy to medieval physicians analyzing a king’s every bowel movement for changes in the royal health (or at least the royal diet). However, it may be argued that while those two somewhat know their bodily humours, I am Avicenna/Averroes/Paracelsus (analogize as appropriate and ignore the fact that the first two were Muslim). I still haven’t figured out whether or not it’s worthless. However, it is expected, so I guess I might as well go through with it.
Everyone’s gushing over Sahadi’s opening montage. I’m not. Lobster is perfectly good. Pizza is perfectly good. Lobster pizza is pretentiousness practiced by West Coast retards who have no clue what pizza’s supposed to be. This montage was lobster pizza. It went just a wee bit over the line into arty-farty. However, I think this may be an age thing. Remember, I was sixteen when MTV premiered. My tastes were formed prior to visual overload being a constant presence. Besides, I don’t like to get my metaphysics mixed in with my wrestling. That’s pretty much all I have to say about that.
Young/Devine was a good choice for an opener, I have to admit. I loved them when they were Team Canada’s designated tag team. They worked very well together and had a complementary skill set, so I knew that any match between them would be technically sound. The light comedy of Young’s current angle would enhance rather than detract from the match, since Devine knows how to play off that (as is demonstrated each week in him being a good foil for Nash and Shelley). So, I was looking forward to it. But Fate, bitch that she is, had something else in mind.
Some Erics allow themselves to be treated this way. Not me.
We don’t care about it; let the motherf*cker burn
Canadians In The Mist
We all know what happened by now. Burlap sack, bit of loose pyro, etc. It’s moments like these that bring out the pretentiousness in some people. One of those people is 1bullshit Junior’s Big Johnson, who’s done just about everything other than bend over and spread ’em (and he may have done that too) in order to become the moral equivalent of a ring rat for TNA. He continued in that vein with this little bit of urple:
Obviously, there were a lot of people inside the company fearing the worst when the situation went down. In the end, the company turned a negative into a positive. The feeling backstage was that the show may have come off even better because of the situation. The locker room and staff ended up having a major bonding experience because they all realized their backs were against the wall with a potential disaster and went above and beyond the call of duty to make it up to the fans. TNA also ended up having to throw their entire planned format out the window as well, which only helped the company prove they can thrive under pressure when something outside of their control takes place.
Oh, my f*cking God. Man, if I wrote that kind of stuff, I’d be losing a lot of things, like my integrity, my straight face, my lunch, my claim to any type of manhood, and many others. I’d also be losing my audience, since they’d abandon me the moment I pumped that kind of shit out. How does Big Johnson get away with this? I have no clue. All I know is that I’m glad you’re reading me. At the very least, I’m the antidote. At the most, it’s at times like this when you come closest to accepting me as the True God that I am.
So, anyway, a bag caught fire, the place had to be evacuated for a little while, the PPV audience got pummeled with video packages, we lost the Four-Way Tag Match (and didn’t even get a reach-around at the tapings; more on that later), and we got to watch TNA try to scramble. Unfortunately, we lost sight of the fact that Young and Devine definitely did have a good match and a hot opener (they aren’t always the same thing, you know). I would like more, please.
Okay, so after the fire was out and people were allowed back in (by the way, there’s some contradictory stuff going on in regard to people coming back in; some people are saying that everyone grabbed whatever seat they can, this being general admission, and 1bullshit Junior’s TNA remora Richard Trionfo claiming that everyone tried to get back to their own seats), they continued as best they could. Next up, the Sabin/Shelley match…
…yes, for those of you not following this, this was supposed to be Sabin/Nash, but Big Kev woke up on Sunday morning with an owie in his neck. Given Nash’s history with sudden medical conditions cropping up on occasions when he’s obviously going to job, this did raise everyone’s suspicions as to the injury’s validity. Yeah, I think he was faking it too. However, this being Kevin Nash we’re talking about, it could be a legitimate part of the booking. And it did give us Shelley as a substitute, which, you have to admit, was definitely a better situation. We know he matches up well against Sabin, and both demonstrated that the strongness of the matchup still holds. Technically highly proficient, good match flow…not as great as they can be, but with the potential between these two being unlimited, you have to go pretty far up the scale of “great” to reach that point.
By the way, ignore the eerie vocal resemblance that Johnny Devine exhibits; if you’re looking for the next Chris Jericho, and so many people are, he’s already here in the presence of Alex Shelley (and given the evidence of the chair in this match, if you’re looking for the next Rob Van Dam, he’s already here in the presence of Chris Sabin, except with less pot). Yes, that’s one helluva high-level compliment, but Shelley deserves it. Remember, after the Waltman fiasco, I was demanding that TNA make up things to Shelley, and was upset when they didn’t. How ironic is it that TNA finally made good by him, and used another member of the Clique to do it?
Alex’s pretty face is going to Hell. Michigan, that is.
As I suspected, the Abyss/Spike match was a nice little bit of sheer brutality (although it couldn’t be too brutal considering the FCA was scheduled for later). Abyss loves to dish out pain, Spike loves to take it. You got pretty much all of the expected spots in here. So, no complaint at all. Good work.
And you thought Shannon Moore was embarassing
Joe/Rhiyno/Brown was another one of those “it’s not the destination that matters but the journey” matches. Most of us knew what the end result would be: Joe gets the pinfall, Monty takes the duke. However, the way they got there was a masterpiece of mayhem. These guys know what they’re doing in an environment like this. Rhiyno has the ECW experience, Joe’s done matches like this before, and Monty knows how to go with the flow. Why exactly is WWE still claiming they have no interest in Monty? As I said, he’d look great on Raw right now, and the interpromo battles with Lashley or Finlay are ones that take us back to the dreams of pre-purchase WWF/WCW matches. Totally beautiful work by everyone involved. No, it’s not up there with Benoit/Sully or the Foley/Trip matches, but it’s definitely in that second tier and should be proud of it. Thank God this match wasn’t cut for time. You know what? It’s on my short list for MOTYCs right now. What the hell.
No, PK says, “Go play with dolls”
I don’t care who you are, if you see Samoa Joe flying at you, you’re going to shit your pants
I understand why they didn’t eliminate the chick match and did ditch the four-way tag match. If they got rid of the chick match, they’d have to have eliminated a second match in order to make up the time (or severely shorten one of the other matches). There were no other candidates to eliminate (the only other went off prior to the fire), and God knows they couldn’t shorten the main event, which was the main candidate to have some time chopped off. So this thing stayed. I feel perfectly justified in ignoring it.
“Plucked her eyebrows on the way, shaved her legs and then he was a she…”
The Triple Threat X Division title match was yet another well-constructed effort. Obviously, I would have preferred it if Lethal won. I think he’s ready to be given the ball, and Low Ki hasn’t done anything with the belt so far that would enhance it. However, the result was acceptable if it could lead to more matches like this. Williams has a grievance that it was his finisher that did the job. Lethal can point to his performance in this match and in the match against Jarrett as proof that he deserves another shot. If they repeat this next month, I’m not going to complain. As I said, the match was well-executed and well-structured (they stayed away from the Triple Threat Formula, as they normally do with X Division three-ways). So let’s have a re-do, and this time, let’s give Lethal the strap.
Williams teaches Lethal a lesson: don’t get caught out on the floor in Triple Threats
As for the Tag Title Match, that’s been rendered moot by the Impact tapings. On next week’s Impact, Sheremetyevo win the titles anyway. So, due to its irrelevance, why bother watching this match? Yes, I love Daniels, A. J., and Homicide, but this whole angle just isn’t sparking me. Maybe it’s Hernandez. Maybe it’s Konnan…actually, that comes pretty close. There’s just a great deal of apathy in me as to this whole situation. It’s like the whole MNM/London-Kendrick thing a few months ago: the guys are great, the matches are really good, but I just can’t give a shit. Call me when it’s over.
Daniels demonstrates to Homicide the benefits of washing one’s crotch
Raise your hand if you knew beforehand that Christian was turning. Those of you with your hands still down, get out of here and never come back. Knowing this in advance gave me the tactical advantage of not being able to give a shit about anything involved with the main, because with the realization gave me the last push away from caring about anything involving Christian. Since I already don’t care about anything involving Jarrett, Sting, or Big Sump Pump, it completed the black void of apathy nicely. Yes, I agree, Christian works better as a heel. Christian also needs a face who will play off of him properly. Sting won’t. Think about this: in all of Sting’s major feuds over the past two decades (virtually all that time as a face, by the way), his opponent has always carried the burden in regard to promos and match momentum. Christian’s not that great a promo artist (please compare him to Edge right now and tell me who’s better), and he needs someone to lean on in the ring. His match or matches against Sting will suck, and the program will suck. Period.
No, this is not sour grapes because I picked Sting to win the match. I picked Sting for pragmatic reasons: I didn’t want Joe to win the title from Jarrett, which would have inflated Jarrett’s self-importance. It means less for Joe to beat Jarrett than for Joe to beat Sting, clean. Bound For Glory should be Sting’s last match anyway (his contract will be up shortly afterward), and to job out to Joe, someone who has a great chance of ending up being as highly regarded by fans in the future as Sting is now, would reflect well on Sting as well as Joe. But maybe I’m thinking in terms of culmination rather than process. There’s good reason for that. It’s TNA who’s constantly promoting Bound For Glory as their Wrestlemania, and Wrestlemania is traditionally a time for endings. Does my attitude make sense now?
Insert Leonard Cohen joke here
All in all, a good PPV that was actually enhanced by the insanity at its beginning. However, the fact that the last two matches left me cold and the one match that had to be eliminated was one I was sorta looking forward to does downgrade it a bit. However, TNA’s PPVs have been trending good lately, which is a nice sign. Now if they can just follow that up with better episodes of Impact…
…that would normally be the lead-in to the TNA tapings yesterday, but I haven’t got time to discuss them. Let’s just say that the Naturals win the tag title shot like we thought they would at the PPV (albeit in a Fatal Four-Way singles match instead of tag action, which makes no sense), and next week on Impact, Sheremetyevo win the tag straps. Time to move on.
THAT’S HOW I RAISED HIM
1bullshit Junior is stating that My Illegitimate Son Ken Doane has a bit of legal trouble. A number of weeks ago, some fan in Virginia saw him and MickieLexis LaJames sitting in a car at a stoplight and asked for an autograph on a sign (this was after a Raw episode). LaJames complied, but then the light turned green, and Ken pulled away, still holding the sign. Said mark then fell to the ground, his sign torn and his shoulder allegedly slightly strained. The mark then decided to file charges against Ken for assault and battery (for the shoulder) and vandalism (for the torn sign). The mark complained to WWE, who offered him autographed photos. The mark asked for money, and WWE sensibly said no. So the mark filed charges, and the warrants were issued at Raw this week, since they were back in Virginia. The court date is scheduled for the end of this month.
First of all, the mark’s a piece of shit. He’s looking at this situation as a quick money grab. He made that clear when he turned down WWE’s nice offer. The dude wanted autographs, right? Well, they’re giving him autographs and a nice 8×10 glossy to go along with it. That’s pretty fair. But, no, he’s going to court because his shoulder got hurt. Well, boo f*cking hoo, asshole. That’s what happens. You pretty much assaulted a guy and his girl who were driving home from work and had other things on their mind in order to fulfill your own selfish desires. So he drove away and you got a boo-boo. Get mommy to kiss it better for you, jagoff.
I am very much in the corner of people deserving and getting their privacy. Yes, I know that as “celebrities”, they have a quasi-obligation to their audience. However, they should not be importuned, especially while driving. I know that Ken and his former Women’s champion girlfriend were going off for a little privacy and an attempt to give me grandchildren, and they deserve the right to do so. So leave them alone.
The problem here is that Ken’s already developed a serious reputation as a prima donna in the locker room, a classic case of “too much, too soon, too young” (viz. Clarett, Maurice). This fits in with that behavior perfectly. No, he’s not a prima donna. He’s an asshole, just like his dear old dad. There is a difference. I say, let him be an asshole if he wants. The question is, though, that if he’s fined in court, will WWE cover him or is this coming out of his own pocket? I hope it’s not the latter. If it is, he’ll be coming and knocking on my door. I can’t put him up with me; I’m currently sponging. If he has to live in his car for a while, hey, that’s what he’ll have to do.
And now let’s focus on the show he’s appearing on…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Lita over MickieLexis LaJames, Women’s Title Match (Pinfall, Greco-Roman Belt Shot, New Women’s Champion): Well, that was a bit of a surprise, I have to admit. Lita hasn’t wrestled in quite a long time, after all, and it seemed that LaJames’ title reign was pretty safe. However, they’re definitely prepping for Trish’s departure. Someone has to replace Trish as top female face, and it has to be someone who knows how to wrestle. Since they’ve given up on Victoria and they don’t want to bring anyone over from Smackdown, LaJames was the choice. She’s been verging into tweener territory anyway, so this just accelerates the process. Of course, with the SummerSlam card loaded, we won’t see the rematch there. I don’t think anyone will miss it, frankly.
A good old-fashioned shot to the kidneys
And now it’s time for…
Jamalga over Alex Shea (Pinfall, Samoan Spike): Two weeks of screwing around with DX, and it’s back to the jobbers. Spike Dudley’s main event push lasted longer than that. Ah, it’s just a Camera Time Match, pure and simple. Keep him on the show so people don’t forget him and all that. They really are convinced that if someone’s off TV for more than a week, the audience will forget him.
Another week, another white boy
Ric Flair over Johnny Nitro, Non-Title Match (DQ, Foley-ference): Yes, I knew going in it was an Angle Advancement Match. No, I really didn’t care because I still get off on seeing what Flair can do with these kids. He’s one of the few with the power to make me ignore the red flashing lights and watch the impending train wreck. And he did do a damn good job in this match. Yes, the skills are decayed, but the fire remains, and even a decayed Flair is better than three-quarters of the roster.
“Two words, six letters: I quit.” Either the late, great Gordon Solie had a blind spot when it came to basic math, or Ross is completely f*cking senile. Evidence points toward the latter.
The Flair Flop in action
Jim Duggan and the retard over Mike Mondo and My Illegitimate Son Ken Doane, Non-Title Match, Thank God (Pinfall, Scot-ference): I do not allow retards to touch my son. Therefore, again, I call for the death of the retards and of all retards on Earth. And you can take out Duggan while you’re at it.
The tragedy of cheerleader abuse
Edge over Carly Colon (DQ, Cena-ference): At first, I looked at the clock and thought, “Hey, twenty-five minutes. They’re going to give this one a lot of time.” Then I realized two things. First of all, they still had to do the Orton/Hogan bullshit, and that would take up at least ten to fifteen. Second, it’s still Carly in the match, so I still don’t give a shit.
Carly has taken Trip as his role model, apparently
Angle Developments:
Over The Edge: Damn, Edge has got a new promo fire lit under him. Maybe hanging with Foley had something rub off. His promos lately have reached a new level of excellence, though, no matter the reason. Too bad that all of this is being wasted on Cena, huh? And too bad that, as of right now, Cena’s getting the title back at SummerSlam. Life sucks.
No matter how much Mister Cena tries to deny it, Edge says that he has the blood test results, and John is definitely his son
Fudge Factor: A number of people have taken issue with Foley’s statement about bleeding only four times in his WWE career, citing that he’s easily done so more than that. Guys, guys, guys, stop being so literal. Foley didn’t pull that number out of his ass, you know. There was one big reason why he used that number. It was so that he could make this gesture:
Now do you get it?
They never did house shows there when I lived there
That’s enough to make anyone give up heterosexuality
As I said over the weekend, no Short Form this week due to the Friday From Hell that will feature distributing paychecks to workers throughout the Chicagoland area with a trip to Indy and back in between. So until next week, let’s hope I can get back on time.
