JR: Welcome everyone to a sold out Madison Square Garden! Welcome to ULTIMATE SUMMERSLAM!! I’m Jim Ross along side my colleague, Jerry “The King” Lawler and tonight we’re joined on commentary by a very special guest, the former Avenger, the former Defender and the current X-Man, Dr. Henry “The Beast” McCoy! Welcome, Doctor!
Beast: Thank you, James, but please, no need to be formal, let’s let our hair down for tonight’s catch-as-catch-can extravaganza. Just call me Hank.
King: Well if there’s anybody who would know about letting their hair down, it would be The Beast!
No chance, but that’s whatcha got…”
JR: Oh my, we’re about to get this party started with an appearance by the Chairman of the Board, Vince McMahon!
Vince: They said it couldn’t be done. They said nobody could come up with a product that could compete with the NFL. But I did it. The XFL did compete, and would have succeeded if the Network had the stones to see it through. You see, that’s what it takes to succeed, it takes stones. Stones the size of grapefruits! No, no, it takes stones the size of Galactus’ grapefruits! That’s right! So when I had the occasion to have dinner recently with the man who helped me put this night together, I knew we’d succeed. I knew I had a partner I could rely on! I knew that there was no chance in Hell that we could fail, because he and I, we have something in common. Grapefruits the size of MODOK’s head! Come on out here, J. JONAH JAMESON! Theme from “Patton” plays.
Beast: Oh my stars and garters!
JJJ: Thank you Vince. I’ll make this short and sweet, because like all of you I want to see the carnage and destruction about to take place in this very ring! I have a couple of announcements to make. First, for tonight’s show the Garden will be considered neutral ground. There will be competitors who have complied with the law and registered under the Superhuman Registration Act….(BOOOOOOOOOO!)….and there will be those who have not complied with the law as good Americans should. (YEEEEEAAAAA! WHOOOOHOOOO!!) Second, the use of superpowers in these matches will be prohibited wherever possible. These contests should be as fair as possible. So on behalf of my friend Vincent Kennedy McMahon, LET’S GET IT ON!
Vince: One last thing I want to mention — all proceeds from tonight’s show will be donated to the Stamford Relief Fund, and Mr. Jameson and myself will personally be matching that total!
JJJ: That’s right! We’re going to…WHAT?!?!…I mean, of course, I’ll…match it…
JR: Well there you have, Dr. Mc…excuse me…Hank. No Registration Act politics tonight! And a generous donation by Daily Bugle publisher Triple J!
Beast: And I, for one, am thankful. As a mutant, I saw first hand what chaos and corruption of basic civil rights the Mutant Registration Act created, and now the fiasco is repeating itself throughout the whole superhuman community. It’s disgraceful.
King: I think it’s disgraceful that people hide like cowards under masks! The police don’t get to hide! Their names are right there on their chests!
Beast: Jerry, you have wrestlers who wear masks. Rey Mysterio wears one. Kane has worn one, as have Mick Foley, Chris Benoit and the greatly missed Eddie Guerrero. But none of those Superstars have ever had a blast of bio-electric energy hurled at them, or the plates and screws from a surgically repaired limb extracted through their pores by Magneto.
JR: If I may interrupt, gentlemen, I think it would be best for our viewers to say nothing of ourselves if we put aside our personal feelings on the Act and get down to the business of calling our first match. Let’s go down to our special ring announcer for tonight, a legend in his own right, Howard Finkel!
Fink: Ladies and Gentlemen! The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is a special 10-Man Tag Team Match. Coming down the aisle, The Spirit Squad!
King: You have to admit, J.R., these guys can wrestle. I think they’re a riot!
JR: There’s talent there to be sure, King, but I’d like to see how they’d fare in some one-on-one contests. There’s strength in numbers, but there’s character in overcoming obstacles on your own.
Beast: I could not have elucidated it better myself, Jim Ross.
King: Well that’s good, because nobody asked you, Cookie Monster.
Beast: Says the man who laughs like Mickey Mouse.
Fink: And their opponents, The New Warriors!
Beast: Come again? That can’t be right….
Fink: I have just been told that if no member of the New Warriors enters the ring by the count of 10, the Spirit Squad will be awarded the victory by disqualification. ONE…TWO…
JR: Hank, this is preposterous! The New Warriors CAN’T answer the bell! Most of them died in the tragedy that spawned the Registration Act, and the only survivor I know of, the young man who calls himself Speedball, is currently incarcerated pending the investigation into the Stamford Incident!
Fink: FIVE…SIX…
Beast: I suspect the benevolent publisher of the great American newspaper, the Daily Bugle’s own J. Jonah Jameson, is back stage right now laughing himself into a coma. If we’re lucky.
Fink: NINE…TEN! DING! DING! Here are your winners by disqualification, The Spirit Squad! (BOOOOOOOO!!)
King: Well how do you like that, Cookie Monster! The WWE is already one-up on you super-powered idiots! Ah-ha-ha-ha!
JR: I think Dr. McCoy is right. You do laugh like Mickey Mouse.
Beast: We’ll see who’s laughing at the end of the show, O King of Curly Fries.
Fink: The following contest is an “Old School” match, scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, the special referee, Sgt. Slaughter! Slaughter’s ring music plays, Slaughter enters the ring in referee gear and his trademark sergeant hat and salutes the fans. The first participant, accompanied by S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent Dugan…the Living Legend, Nick Fury! Fury walks down the aisle accompanied by Dugan while the S.H.I.E.L.D. Academy March plays.
Beast: I honestly don’t know how many more ways I can be surprised tonight. Nick Fury is wanted on several international warrants. I’m stunned that he is appearing here tonight.
JR: I guess they’re extending diplomatic immunity tonight here as well as immunity from the Registration Act.
Fink: And his opponent, the 13-time World Heavyweight Champion, The Nature Boy, Ric Flair! Flair enters the arena as he has since the early 70s. He struts to the ring while “Also sprach Zarathustra” plays, his sequined robe glistening in the spotlight.
JR: This is going to be an old-fashioned slobberknocker!
King: Old-fashioned? These two are positively prehistoric! Flair was born around WWII and Fury was soldier in the war! I can’t think of too many occasions where Ric Flair has been in the ring with someone 20 to 30 years older than he is.
** The match begins with the two competitors stalking each other, smiling slyly, knowing that there’s about 100 years between them in the ring and they’re both grateful for the lives they’ve led. They finally engage in the collar-and-elbow tie up and jockey for dominance. Fury is a bit stronger and gets Flair in a side headlock. Flair shoves Fury into the ropes, the Colonel rebounds into Flair with a shoulder block. Ric backs off, struts a couple of steps, lets out a “WHOOO!” and they lock up again. Flair breaks the grabble with a knife edge chop across Fry’s chest that echoes through the Garden. And every chop Flair batters Fury with draws a chorus of “WHOOO!” from the capacity crowd. For the next ten minutes, Flair and Fury keep up a pretty brisk pace: a barrage of punches by Fury, a back drop and a vertical suplex by Flair, Fury comes back with an arm drag into an armbar. Back and forth, traditional wrestling the likes of which Vince McMahon hasn’t produced in years, and the crowd is hot for it. But eventually, Fury catches Flair in another side headlock. This time Flair, the savvy ring veteran, doesn’t shove his opponent to the ropes but rather leverages him up and drops his upper shin across Flair’s knee. Flair then works over the lower leg of Nick Fury before sinking in his finishing hold, the Figure Four Leg Lock. Nick Fury taps out. Both men shake hands with after the match, and Sgt. Slaughter raises both men’s arms as the appreciative crowd cheers them on.**
Fink: Here is your winner, The Nature Boy, Ric Flair!
King: Ha-ha! Look at that, Cookie Monster! That’s two straight matches the WWE Superstars have defeated your Super-human pals. How you guys ever beat the Red Skull or Dr. Doom is beyond me.
Beast: I don’t believe Dr. Doom has ever attempted to put Mr. Fantastic in the Figure Four Leg Lock. A devastating maneuver to be sure. But just because you’re winning doesn’t mean you’ve won. If I know Jameson, he’s not about to organize an event like this on behalf of the Superhero Community without having a trick or two up his sleeve.
JR: I am still amazed that he stepped up to the plate at all. From what I know of the man, Hank, he doesn’t hold you heroes in the highest regard. Could it be possible that he’s set up this whole thing just to discredit your compatriots in the eyes of the public?
Beast: Of course it’s possible. In fact, I’m counting on it.
King: What?!? I don’t believe what I’m hearing! You actually want to see your fellow heroes be defeated by the WWE Superstars?
Beast: You’re missing the obvious, as usual, me ol’ Burger King. Every time Jonah pulls a stunt like this, it blows up in his face. Every time. Never fails. Like the Undertaker winning at Wrestlemania it’s a forgone conclusion that J. Jonah Jameson’s best laid plans will go toes up before it’s all said and done. Now I think the Fink is about to introduce the next match, let’s go to the ring.
Fink: The following contest is a Cruiserweight Match. No powers permitted. Introducing first, the former World Champion, Rey Mysterio! (YEEEAAA!) And his opponent, from Germany, the X-Man known as Nightcrawler! (BAMF! BOOOO! MUTIE!)
JR: I have to admit, Hank, that I could probably use your help in keeping up with the pace of this one. These two are likely going to keep up a frantic pace from bell to bell.
Beast: Certainly, JR. I’ve seen Nightcrawler in action on countless occasions, and have also enjoyed watching the amazing skill and grace of Rey Mysterio. It will be a pleasure to pontificate on the peerless prowess and acute acumen of these two well-matched competitors.
King: Peerless Prowers? Pearls Pros…
Beast: Do let us know when you catch up, O King.
**The match is breathtaking from start to finish. In fact, Dave Meltzer would declare it a ***** match. They begin with about 8 solid minutes of chain wrestling, linking move to move and transition to reversal effortlessly. The crowd rallied behind both men, quickly forgetting that one of them was a dark blue mutant with a tail and the other a masked practitioner of Mexican Lucha Libre that Vince McMahon swore would never “get over” with the American wrestling fan. Arm drags, hip tosses, monkey flips, moonsaults, tope con helios, dropkicks, spinning heel kicks, and a hurracanrana or two (or ten) brought the crowd to their feet for much of the match. Early out of gas, Rey Mysterio finally set up Nightcrawler for his signature move, the 6-1-9. But as Mysterio bounded off the far rope, ECW stalwart Rob Van Dam catapulted over the opposite rope, steel chair in hand, and caught Rey with the Van Daminator. Van Dam dragged Nightcrawler by the tail, draping him over Mysterio. The referee, Nick Patrick, never saw any of it, of course.**
Fink: Here is your winner, The Nightcrawler!
JR: Good God Almighty! That was one Hell of a match, and for it to end that way, by God, Rey Mysterio was robbed! He deserved to win that match!
Beast: He certainly gave a very good accounting of himself and he can hold his head high with the knowledge that he stood toe-to-toe with an X-Man for 15 minutes and held his own admirably. Nightcrawler is a very humble and honest man, and when he realizes how he came by the victory, he will be devastated. Even though the referee is raising his hand, Nightcrawler will consider this a bitter defeat.
King: I just want to know where that ECW reject Rob Van Dam gets off interfering in the match!
JR: Well you’re going to get your wish, King. I’m told we have a couple of special guest interviewers here tonight, a few of the folks that bring us the fictionalized exploits of our favorite superheroes every week. Let’s go to the back and see if they were able to catch up with Rob Van Dam.
Aubrey: Thank you, Jim Ross! My name is Aubrey Sitterson, assistant editor at Marvel Comics, and I’m here with Rob Van Dam. Rob, I think most people would expect that if there was going to be any interference in any of these special matches tonight, it would occur along team lines: wrestler helping wrestler, superhero helping superhero. Why did you interfere on behalf of the X-Man Nightcrawler?
RVD: Dude, isn’t Aubrey a chick’s name? You know what, nevermind. You want to know why I cost Rey Mysterio the match? Why I handed the win to Nightcrawler? Because I wanted to help BOTH men.
Aubrey: I don’t think I quite understand.
RVD: Dude, think about it. Rey got his start wrestling for ECW. He needed a wakeup call. Leave the WWE, Rey-Rey. Come home to ECW, where real wrestling fans know how to treat their heroes. And speaking of heroes, wasn’t Nightcrawler a member of the Xtreme X-Men? It makes perfect sense that the Extreme Icon, R-V-D, would want to help out someone else who represents the Extreme! Catch you later, Dude, girl, whatever!
Aubrey: Aubrey is a perfectly acceptable boys’ name! Oh forget it. Let’s go to my colleague, one of the best writers in comics today and the only person to make Deadpool interesting, Gail Simone!
Gail: Thanks Aubrey! I’m here outside the dressing room where the mystery opponent for WWE Superstar John Bradshaw Layfield is supposedly getting prepared. But all I’ve seen so far is a steady parade of beautiful young women entering and none leaving…wait here comes another one, excuse me, can you tell me what’s going on in there?
Babe: Like all I know is I got a text page from my bet friend who said I had to come down and meet this guy she was partying with and I was like is he totally hot and she was like totally so I was like for real and she was like for real and she said he would leave me a ticket at Will Call and he like totally did and so I’m going in to meet him now and I can’t wait because he’s like totally hot right WOOOO hey is this going to be on Girls Gone Wild YEEEAAA I hope so because this is like totally more fun than lame ass Myrtle Beach which was like totally weak…
Gail: Thanks, just go on in there before you asphyxiate yourself by talking. I can’t believe I got talked out of helping with the Birds of Prey movie casting for this. Back to you, J.R., King and Dr. McCoy.
Beast: My, that poor girl.
King: Which one, Gail Simone or the smoking hot blond she just interviewed?
Beast: Yes.
JR: Well, heh, I don’t know what to say about that. We certainly appreciate having Aubrey and Gail with us tonight. How about RVD, King? Helping out both Rey Mysterio and Nightcrawlerâ€â€he saysâ€â€for his own reasons.
King: I’ve watched RVD a long time J.R. and I can tell you he definitely marches to the beat of his own drum. He’s a unique individual and I’m sure in his own mind, he believes what he said.
Beast: And yet, King Lawler, I don’t believe either Mysterio or Nightcrawler will find solace in Rob Van Dam’s reasoning. Ah, I’ll leave it at that as Howard Finkel appears ready to introduce another match. And my liege, might I point out the tally now stands at two victories for the WWE to one for the superheroes?
JR: There goes the shutout, King.
King: Hush! The Fink is talking!
Fink: The following contest will be a Beer Drinking Contest. When the timer begins each participant will have exactly 5 minutes to drink as many cups of beer as they can. The official for this match will be….Road Warrior Animal! Black Sabbath’s Iron Man blares over the sound system as the Animal makes his way to the ring, wearing his Legion of Doom spiked shoulder pads over referee clothes. And now, introducing the first participant, he’s lead the Avengers on both coasts…Tony “the Iron Man” Stark! (BOOOOOOOO!)Stark comes out in a sports jacket and slacks, not appearing to be attired for heavy drinking.
Beast: Perhaps I spoke to hastily. I cannot bring myself to believe that Tony would allow himself to be put in a contest such as this. Jameson has stooped too low. Stark is a recovering alcoholic, as everyone is no doubt aware of.
JR: I agree with you, Doctor McCoy, I’ve thought I’d seen some objectionable situations in my day but this is just sickening.
King: I think it’s great! Because if my guess is right, the man representing the WWE can drink anybody under the table!
Fink: And his opponent…The sound of breaking glass and driving guitars drown out the rest of Howard Finkel’s announcement. When Stone Cold Steve Austin enters the arena, everyone knows it immediately. After saluting the four corners of the arena, Stone Cold takes the mic.
Austin: Goddamn it’s good to be back in Madison Square Garden! (YEEAAAAA!) Now just so there’s no confusion, The Road Warrior here comes out to one of the greatest hard rock anthems of all time, and you actually are the Iron Man, one of the greatest superheroes of all time. Do I got that right?
Stark: That’s ri…
Austin: UH-UH! I don’t buy it. You come out here with your beady little eyes and your goofy moustache and try to come off like one of the guys? UH-UH! Hey Madison Square Garden, if you think Tony Stark is Super-asshole, gimme a Hell Yeah! {HELL YEAH! Aaaaaaass Hooooole! Aaaaaaass Hooooole!) If you can’t tell, Stark, that’s about 20 thousand people calling you an asshole. What do you have to say about that?
Stark: …
Austin: What’s the matter? Truth hurts like a sumbitch don’t it? You walk around all puffed up like Vince McMahon with a syringe in his ass, thinking you got the answer to everyone’s problems. You think outing the men and women who put their asses on the line for the entire damn world every day will prevent another damn Stamford? Hell son, the WWE’s headquarters is in Stamford. I got a call from an old friend of mine named Tommy Dreamer (YEEEAAA!) the day Nitro blew up that school. He saw the whole sorry mess from a window high up in the building, and even felt the shockwaves from the blast. He had friends and lost loved ones there that day. And you’re gonna stand there and tell me it’s better to lock up superheroes who don’t take their masks off and then to go after the sumbitches who bring this kind of misery to good Joes like Tommy Dreamer?
Stark: We ARE going after Nitro and his…
Austin Aw shut the Hell up already. You rich assholes are all the same. You don’t do anything about anything unless you have to. Hell, we’re suppose to have a beer drinking contest and I know you’re an alcoholic but I bet you never drank a beer in your life. All champagne and fine wines…
Stark: Listen you redneck punk! I don’t care what you think of me personally, but when I tell you it is the patriotic duty of the super-human community to uphold the law and that they too are required to obey it, you damn well better believe that we’re making this world a safer and better place! And let me ask you, Mr. Austin just what have you done to make this world a better place?
Austin: This!
**Austin gives Stark the Double Finger Salute and kicks him in the stomach, doubling him over and snapping his neck with the Stone Cold Stunner. Stark is down in a wet heap as Road Warrior dumps the table full of beer on him. The crowd is going bonkers.**
King: Well, I can’t say I didn’t see that coming.
JR: I agree.
Beast: Indeed.
To Be Continued….
