Contradicting Popular Opinion :
An Enquiry Concerning Why Your Favorite Movie Sucks
INTRO
Tom Tomorrrow often notes that the current political scene often out-paces his satire. He spots several examples of his cartoons, intended as ridiculous parodies, coming awfully close to truth given a couple years time. It seems to me that this trend is not limited to the world of politics. Indeed, our entire modern culture seems hellbent on making satire obsolete. We’ve had televised contests to marry millionaires, shows that reward people with plastic surgery, and shows where people compete over who can most quickly eat buffalo testes. We’ve had Sox fans jump onto the field to beat up opposing teams’ coaching staff. Just recently, Americans were told that they couldn’t include soap in their airline carry-on because of terrorism.
We’re living in a ridiculous world.
Certainly, the film industry is a part of it. We’ve had live-action Scooby Doos, Garfields, and an unfathomably popular series of flicks based on a ride as Disney. Michael Bay is making a live-action Transformers for chrissakes. While writing about the film version of Lost in Space in his 2000 book, Movie Megacheese, Mike Nelson facetiously states, “I’ve preordered my copy of the yet-to-be-made feature of Thunderbirds, with Andy Garcia and Sir Anthony Hopkins, so stay tuned!” Well, it turned out to be Bill Paxton and Sir Ben Kingsley, but Hollywood ended up making that movie. The book also mockingly foretold “Tristan and Isolde starring Katie Holmes and Beck.” This movie was also made, but, once again, with slightly different actors.
These things got me thinking. I wanted to write a parody column with the potential of portending a dark future.
Therefore:
Kennedy “sees the future” or barring that, pitches some really bad ideas to Hollywood
All right, I’ll provide a logline, synopsis, or some basic ideas for each of these flicks.
Note 1: I am writing this column entirely OFFLINE. That is to say, we will have to check after the fact to make sure that none of these things are actually being made.
Note 2: Unless otherwise noted, these are all intended to be live-action.
Note 3: I’m trying to make all of these movies vaguely possibly, yet utterly horrifying.
GET ON WITH IT!
Pitch #1: Barbie: The Movie. Barbie (Naomi Watts) manages to juggle a busy life as a doctor/NASCAR driver living in her Malibu dream house. That is, until a rubber-haired Ken (Ben Affleck) shows to throw her world out of order. 2hrs and 13 minutes, directed by Roman Polanski.
Pitch #2: Clutch Cargo: Gas, Break, Clutch!, starring Brendan Fraser. It sells itself really.
Pitch #3: G.I. Joe: The Deadly Hiss. Cobra Commander (Jeremy Irons), Destro (Samuel L. Jackson) and the Baroness (Parker Posey) are intent on world domination. Luckily for the world, America has Duke (Mathew McConaughey), Sgt. Slaughter (Sgt. Slaughter) and Lady Jaye (Scarlett Johansson) fighting for right! 2 hours and 25 minutes, directed by Ridley Scott.
Pitch #4: Slinky! The Movie, finally the toy spring gets its due! Starring Will Ferrell, Luke Wilson and Ben Stiller.
Pitch #5: My Little Pony. A blend of live-action and CGI, as Dakota Fanning stars as a little girl who loses faith in something or another. She magically gets trapped inside Ponyland, just in time to save the place from an invasion by the wicked Prince Dark Pony (Dolph Lungren). A bloody battle ensues, where Dakota loses her right leg, but regains her ability to believe!
3 hours and 7 minutes, directed by John Woo.
Pitch #6: Pacman. Thanks to the magic of foam latex, Keanu Reeves is PACMAN! Watch as he plays a deadly game of Cat and Mouse with Inky, Blinky, and Clyde (all played by Alan Rickman), and courts the lovely Ms. Pacman(Renée Zellweger).
197 minutes, directed by Ron Howard.
Pitch #7: Pacman vs. the Demonic Toys. In this digitally rotoscoped epic, Keanu Reeves reprises his role as Pacman to battle the Demonic Toys! His main weapon is a junior high knowledge of existentialism mixed with a heavy dose of casuistry! 7 hours 15 minutes, directed by Richard Linklater.
Pitch #8: Spider-Man: The Game, The Movie: A film based on the popular Playstation title based on the original movie based on the comic book series. It’s a sure bet! 85 minutes directed by Uwe Boll, starring Tara Reid as the Green Goblin, Christian Slater as Spider-Man, and Dame Judy Dench as Madame Web.
Pitch #9: The SoaP empire joins forces with wrestler vehicle See No Evil for a film that the audience has demanded: Snakes on a Kane. Watch as Glen Jacobs futilely chokeslams dozens of California Mountain Snakes.
92 minutes, directed by a veteran of the porno industry.
Pitch #10: AVPVET: Aliens versus Predator versus E.T. This battle of the millennium is short lived however as the three must join forces to defeat the combined might of Gary Busey, Dennis Hopper, and the always sinister Malcolm McDowell! 109 minutes directed by Patrick Swayze!
Pitch #11: The Book of Ecclesiastes. Watch as Morgan Freeman reads the entirety of the Old Testament’s Book of Ecclesiastes while being driven to other voice-over jobs. Directed by Francis Ford Coppola.
Pitch #12: Hitler’s Brain in a Jar! Villains from TV, books, short stories, video games, and dozens of movies, all of whom claim to be Die Fuhrer compete in a Battle Royal. In the end there can be only one Hitler! 83 minutes, brought to us by Merchant Ivory.
Pitch #13: Dark Water vs. White Noise vs. The Blair Witch. Watch as these three vague monsters fight to the DEATH over the souls of Skeet Ulrich, Jonny Lee Miller, and Matthew Lillard! 111 minutes, directed by Iain Softely.
Pitch #14: The Smurfs: Smurf Free or Smurf Hard The only goal of the evil Gargamel (Sir Ian McKellen) seems to be the total genocide of the proud Smurfish people. Starring Sean Penn as Brainy Smurf and Sean Connery as Papa Smurf. (From the makers of 21 Grams.)
Pitch #15: Green Acres starring Paris Hilton, Ashton Kutchner, Hugo Weaving, Eric Bana and Jaleel White as the voice of Arnold the Pig. 200 minutes, directed by Tony Danza.
Pitch #16: Precious Moments: Incident on Pleasant Ave. The lives of Precious Moments figurines are forever disrupted by the brutal rape and ritualistic murder of an innocent ceramic girl. Grizzled detective statuette Robert DeNiro must battle his crippling alcoholism to bring this malefic force to justice. (Other details to be announced.)
Pitch #17: Medieval Times. Based on the popular restaurant/attraction/jousting tournament, Nic Cage stars as the Green Knight, a former champion whose life was thrown into disarray by the death of his son three years ago. 1/2 barbecued chickens available at the concessions stands. 2hours 59 minutes, directed by Gore Verbinski.
Pitch #18: Super Punch-Out!. Ed Norton stars as little Mac, in this Rocky-esque pugilistic Cinderella story. Also starring Denzel Washington as his world weary trainer, Vin Diesel as Soda Popinski, and Michael Clarke Duncan as a rather large black man. 99 minutes, directed by McG.
Pitch #19: My Dinner with Andre (the seal) starring Paul Reiser and Andre the seal.
Pitch# 20: Roger Corman presents Ordinary Carnosaurs: It’s simple a re-make of the boring snoozefest Ordinary People except that everybody will be infected with a virus that makes them lay giant dinosaur eggs.
So there you have it. I haven’t checked IMDB to see if any of these are in the works, but even if none are… well… just wait five years.
And even though I created them all to be ridiculously lousy, I’d still want to see pitches 3, 9 and 12. That’s what makes me part of the problem.
Pimps
Midget killing, quadruple barreled shotgun. That is all you need to know.
Murray linked to me. I like returning favors.
And my favorite IP writer is blasphemous once again.
