Ok, I suck I know. I’m out of Capcom vs SNK subtitles this week… I promise… really! Last night, I got all my Summerslam picks right, but I didn’t send them to PK because I didn’t want to write them down. Take my word for it. Tonight’s Raw takes place at a pier. What will happen at this pier? Stay tuned to find out!
Quick Summerslam recap starts out ending with Edge laying out John Cena and defending his belt. Edge comes down and we’re live from Bridgeport, Connecticut. Edge walks around in true “I’m awesome” fashion. It lacks a certain amount of bandages though typically from “hellacious match ups”. Edge rubs his victory in everyone’s face. Edge even goes over to some kids to tell them how wrong they were. Overwhelming odds, yada yada yada. Edge doesn’t have his belt with him nor does he have Lita with him.
Lita is at the harbor! Why, it’s the spinner belt. Could it be? Is it? THE BELT GOES INTO THE BAY!!! No more Spinner! YAY YAY YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY. Edge enters us into the pirate era and he has smoke blow down over his new belt. He has a “Rated R” spinner belt. OH GOD. This belt looks even worse! Holy hell. It’s so bad. Edge says he wants any challengers to step up. Hardy Boy music hits and its Jeff Hardy looking 100% less stupid then normal!
Edge is pissed at Hardy and Edge asks if Jeff was dead two years ago. Funny stuff. Edge says Matt is more talented then Jeff and he ruined his career. Too true. Jeff smacks Edge and Edge bails.
Tonight on Raw: Kane vs Johnny Nitro for the IC title, Ric Flair vs Randy Orton, and John Cena’s movie trailer.
We’re back and it’s an eight man suckfest.
Eugene, Duggan, & the Highlanders vs Spirit Squad: Am I recapping this?
Sure ain’t. Highlanders pin Nicky.
Winners: Retards, retards, and retards.
In the back, Edge wants to see Vince. He runs into Coachman who is working out to be more like Vince. Edge wants a match against Jeff Hardy tonight (um, no non-title is good). Coach agrees only to be scared off of the Boflex. Vince is with Shane discussing their “loss”. Vince wasn’t legal. Shane thinks it should be expunged from the record. Vince says gnarly! It’s not over with DX. It’s never over.
In the back, it’s Orton getting interviewed about his loss against Hogan. Carlito interrupts to say how it sucks the way Orton lost, but seeing Hogan with his hand raised, that was cool. Orton demands more respect as he’s a former world champion.
Why look, it’s Triple H! He and Shawn Michaels were on their way to Stamford when they stopped to see Vince McMahon’s private plane. Shawn flies in a toy plane and proceeds to crash it and have a seizure. Vince and Shane are watching on a video monitor concerned. Anywho, there’s footage of Triple H and Shawn on Vince’s private jet. Shawn scratches it accidently and Triple H chides him about damaging the paint job. It’s ok though, Triple H doesn’t think Vince will notice. DX is spray painted on both of the WWE logos on the plane. Vince blows a gasket.
WWE Rewind: Lita wins the WWE Women’s title!
Trish Stratus vs Victoria: Hmmm
You’d think this would have Mickie. Victoria smacks Trish and Trish goes off. She punches Victoria into the corner and splashes her. Trish kicks Victoria out of the ring and follows it up with a running Thez press off the apron! Trish is taking it to Victoria. Trish goes up into an electric chair transitioned into a Victory Roll! Victoria kicks out, but Trish goes for the Stratusfaction. Blocked to a back breaker.
Victoria takes over with some hair pulling and shoulder blocks. Victoria tries for another back breaker, but Trish turns it into head scissors. Trish hits a clothesline for two, but Victoria takes over with a few punches. Victoria heads up top but Trish hits a brutal hurricanerana. Victoria gets up and hits a few blows on Trish. She then tries for a Razor’s Edge which Trish counters. Trish hits a few shots to the gut, Stratusfaction! It’s over. Great match.
Winner: Trish Stratus
Vince’s music hits and he’s pissed. Trish scampers out. Vince says he’s pissed at DX and that gets a huge reaction. He’s going to get the cops to arrest DX NEXT!
We’re back and we’re still waiting. The cameras are there. Shawn and Triple H aren’t at the airport. They’re at Titan Towers! Apparently they’re going to show defacing the towers. They moon Vince after they pull back to reveal the huge defacing of Titan Towers. Vince looks like he’s about to pass out. The crowd does the good bye chant and Vince cries. Classic. More matches”¦. Next! Edge/Jeff Hardy actually.
This week in wrestling history, Smackdown, the first one! Stephanie looked cute. Triple H retained his title over the Rock when special guest ref Shawn Michaels screwed him.
Vince runs into the back with Foley. Mick Foley says “hey Vince, how you doing?” Last week, Vince remembers how awful Foley talked about him last week. Vince gives Foley an ultimatum, kiss my ass or he’s fired.
Edge vs Jeff Hardy: Fruitier then a Mambo factory
Ms. Garcia looks hot as hell tonight. Edge comes up and goes down to a baseball slide. Hardy follows that by launching himself over the top. Hardy rolls Edge in and gets a two count. Edge is up and toss Jeff under the bottom rope to the outside and he crashes into the guard barrier. Edge tosses him into the steel steps and rolls him in getting the advantage with some elbow drops and kicks. Edge stretches Jeff across the steel post and tosses Hardy into the corner.
Edge charges and gets a boot to the face followed by a clothesline. He heads to the top and jumps off landing on his feet. Edge dodges the non-attack to only get DDTed. Hardy tries for a Twist of Fate only to get caught and dropped by Edge. Edge works over on Hardy and tosses him into the corner. Hardy climbs the ropes running and hits a corkscrew dropping Edge for two.
Hardy is on fire. Series of attacks drop Edge. Twist of Fate! Swanton Bomb! One, two, no! Lita pulls Edge’s feet to the ropes. Crowd is pissed and here comes Cena! Cena chases Edge out as the match comes to a no decision.
Winner: No one
They fight to the back. Edge tosses Cena into a door and goes running.
A recap of what just happened is shown. We’re back and the fighting continues. Cena has flipped and is fighting Edge by the dock! Cena says he ain’t going no where. Edge gets choked out with a hose, tossed into a tree, and tossed against a guard rail. Cena beats up a few road agents trying to stop him, and then Cena tosses Edge into the drink.
2 Weeks Ago, Kane became #1 Contender for the IC Title. In the back, Melina thanks Mick Foley. Melina tells Mick Foley to think this true. Melina is Mick’s mentor and best friend. Mick Foley looks as tired as he’s ever looked.
Johnny Nitro vs Kane: Intercontinental Title Match
Melina is a tad slow getting to the ring. Kane does his best TNA impression. Bell rings, match starts. Nitro slaps on a headlock to start things off before getting pushed down. Nitro runs away and flips and flees. Kane puts him down with a big boot. Kane tosses him into the corner, but Nitro avoids the sidewalk slam.
Anywho, I blink. Kane goes off the top. Umaga attacks Kane and drops Kane with a front Russian leg sweep followed by a Samoan spike. Kane sits up and Umaga beats him down. Samoan spike off the second rope causes Kane to bite down on a blood capsule! How do you stop Umaga? Send him to Heat.
Last week, Layla won the Diva search contest. Meh I say. She got a big check though. John Cena has a movie. Trailer time for “The Marine”. It looks awful, but funny awful.
Randy Orton vs Ric Flair: Legend vs”¦Ugh
Ah, commercial break. Well”¦ at least it’ll be a short match.
Next Monday, Raw is on Sci-Fi in the EST. Woo. Here comes Flair. Jerry says Foley and Flair’s match was tacky. Ugh. Orton charges, Flair chops. Flair is stopped and suplexed and he howls in pain. Orton screws up a clothesline over the top. On the second attempt, Flair makes it over. Orton drop kicks Flair as he’s trying to get up, and then is suplexed outside by Orton. Orton breaks the count and comes out to beat on Flair some more.
The action moves back into the ring and Orton stomps away at Flair. Orton kicks Flair to the outside and tosses him into the steel steps. Flair is bleeding from the back of his head. Orton rolls him back in and proceeds to stomp at Flair. Flair pulls himself up as Orton taunts the crowd. Flair hits a few chops, but eats a kick to the knee. Flair chops at Orton but an eye rake is followed with an RKO. Match is over.
Winner: Randy Orton
Orton proceeds to beat up Ric Flair after the match. The ref”¦ REVERSES THE DECISION! How often does that happen?
Winner: Ric Flair
Orton chases off the ref. Orton is going to RKO Ric Flair again, but here comes Carlito. Springboard elbow sends Orton flying to the outside. Vince’s DVD is out tomorrow. Ass kissing is next!
We’re back and Vince is the ring already. Foley comes down with Melina. Mick Foley says he’s not going to do it. Vince stops Mick when he says he wants to be fired rather then get his ass kissed. Vince says someone is getting fired if Vince doesn’t kiss Vince’s ass. He’s going to fire Melina if Vince doesn’t get his ass kicked.
Mick Foley says he won’t kiss Vince’s ass for anyone”¦. Except Melina. Melina says not to do it. Mick Foley is going to do it because Melina has her career to worry about. Mick says he’ll get it over with, get a bottle of mouthwash and a bigger bottle of hard liquor and get it over with. Mick starts screaming at Vince to take his pants down. He kisses it hard and quick. Of course”¦ Melina turns and nutshot to Mick Foley. Melina says they’ve got two words for Mick”¦ you’re fired.
Vince, Shane, and Melina head to the back with a microphone. He goes on talking about getting an asscial. In the back, it looks like Shelton is with Maria!??!?!? Ok, Vince goes off victorious. As soon as he gets outside, he says he’s had enough. DX has broken him. Vince bitches out the limo driver. He wants to be taken to his airplane. The limo has it’s back wheels chained and the whole axel of the car is torn right off!
Vince and Shane are both visibly shaken. Vince attacks the limo driver before realizing what DX has done. They spray painted the limo. Vince screams and cries while holding his ear. Vince is broken. Raw is over.
