IT WAS THE PARTY OF THE SUMMER…
IT WAS ACTUALLY 3,000 TOP LOADED MATCHES
ONE ENDED CLEAN
..and it involved Hogan..
So welcome tonight to the Monday Night Rabble! Last night was a star-studded event, where one match couldn’t end without foreign objects, widowed wives, run-ins, or Hulk Hogan. How does that HAPPEN!? It was really odd, honestly…
So anyway, let’s introduce the Rabble, which is a small group tonight, just the mainstays.
BILL – HE WON BY USING BRASS KNUCKLES
JENNA – SHE WON BY INVITING THE ENTIRE SMACKDOWN ROSTER TO THE RING
HERNANDEZ – HE WON BY BRINGING EDDIE GUERRERO’S WIFE TO THE RING
And me, The Immortal One, James Hatton!
So let’s get to the show, shall we? Here comes the champ, Edge, by himself, without a belt!
“I’d like to see him without a belt more often” – Bill
“Lita’s in the back, sucking the chrome off the spinner..” – Hernandez
Edge has waited for this night his entire life.
“I got to wear this crushed velvet suit!” – Me
Edge is happy he can look at all the fans and say they are wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. He proves that by stomping on the mat and kicking around, syphoning the power of Christian. Well if he’s the champ, where’s his belt and girlfriend.
“He’s getting a new belt???” – Me
“..and a new girlfriend, too?” – Bill
Lita is on the the Bridgeport Harbor….
“She’s there picking up sailors..” – Me
Edge wants to remove the last remnants of Cena with a burial at sea. And SPLOOSH it goes! Edge introduces a new Era… the Era of Edge… Smoke falls from the sky encasing Edge.
“He’s getting a superhero makeover!” – Hernandez
So as the mist clears, Edge’s new belt is there – it’s still a spinner belt, but now the center has the Rated R Star. Seems Edge has got some distance as champion, and I’m the only one in the Rabble that appreciates it.
CUE SOME MUSIC —- JEFF HARDY?!?!?!?
“On acid… I DON’T KNOW WHERE I AM… WHERE’S RON WEST!?!?” – Hernandez
“I’m waiting for my TLC at Summ….umm?” – Me
“Where’s the ladders? Where’s the chairs” – Hernandez
“Where’s the rest of his shirt?” – Bill
Jeff runs into the ring and explains that Jeff needs to take a lesson from his older brother, because he ruined HIS career…. so Jeff throws a punch. Wings him hard and hits the top rope, but Edge bails.
“He just starts rubbing the belt all over him.. ‘this feels so good'” – Hernandez
“Next time Edge wears it, he’ll get a contact high.” – Me
Later tonight, Johnny Nitro versus Kane.
Also, Ric Flair vs. Randy Orton.
Oh and we’ll see a preview of The Marine…. whee…
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:10
Spirit Squad in the ring right now, and now it’s time for THE HIGHLANDERRRRSSSS!
“Should have been on last night… WITHOUT HIM… OR HIM.. f*ck.” – Hernandez
Yeah.. Highlander shows up with Eugene and Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Why can’t we just get a title match? Why stretch THIS one out. The one feud nobody wants stretched out? Oh well, at least we get more Highlanders.
HIGHLANDERS & HACKSAW & HIGHLANDERS vs. SPIRIT SQUAD
They’re all Robby
EUgene starts in the ring with Johnny. Eugene gets dropped into a wrist lock, and arm wrings as Eugene gets to his feet and fights out of it, but then gets tossed to the corner. He catches Johnny with his legs and a bop on the head with a boot followed by an airplane spin.
“Why are they chanting USA?” – Bill
“Because Hacksaw’s in the ring… don’t you understand wreslting?” – Hernandez
“Apparently not, what’s with all this ‘Woo’ing” – Bill
Tag to Robbie. They throw Johnny into Roddy’s head. Robbie gets suckerpunched and immediately the tables turn over to the SS. A tag to Kenny and now they are dominating over Robbie. Double suplex. Then a flying elbow from Kenny for two. A tag to Mikey and a footplant moonsault. He continues to beat down on Robbie with a couple short two counts.
Robbie gets tossed to the corner as the crowd chants ‘We Want Hacksaw’.
“You’ve-gone-men-tal..” – Hernandez
Nothing new with lots of plain ol holdspots. Lots of quick tags.
“Shouldn’t we be saying something funny?” – Bill
“I’m not writing much.. why bother?” – Me
“Yep, just formulaic boring stuff.” – Hernandez
Kenny goes up to the top but Hacksaw runs over and stops him – hitting him nuts to the turnbuckle, and then he misses the leg drop. A tag to Johnny.
“R2!” – Hernandez
A tag now to Rory and Polish Hammers to all the Spirit Squad, and the backbreaker with a pin for two as somebody stops it.. one of the SS – and in run the Tards. While the ref gets them out of the way – Two of the SS go for a double clothesline but Rory ducks it and Robbie pulls one of them out – slides in – and they hit a Double-Slingshot-Facedrop! Nice new move!
WINNERS: SCOTSMAN AND RETARDS
Edge runs through the back to talk to Coach.
“PRODUCT PLACEMENT” – Hernandez
As Coach is working on his new… Boflex Extreme. Edge apparently wants Jeff Hardy tonight. No title on the line. Coach allows it. This is actually a pretty smart idea, giving Jeff somebody he knows as his first match back… I’m ok with that.
So in walks Vince as Edge leaves. Vince wants to know if DX has arrived yet. Apparently they haven’t. Vince is in a bad mood, and wants Coach to leave the office now.
He can’t believe how he heard all day how they lost at Summerslam, but Shane thinks the match should be expunged from the record as he was not the legal man in the ring. Vince is feeling Gnarly.
“HE’S GOIN CRAAAA-ZZZYYYY” – Me
“Yes, he’s feeling Gnarly Barks… wait, I want that joke expunged from the record” – Bill
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:25
In the back – Randy is talking with Todd. Hernandez and I like the new Orton shirt.
“Orton Tradition Destiny Champ” – Me
“Orton Tradition Bukake Champ” – Hernandez
As Orton bibbles on, Carlito snaps and Todd leaves… he wants Orton to know that he doesn’t really care if Orton got screwed, he just thought his match was ..cool.
Orton wants to know where Carlito was last night. Ooooo snap. He wants respect.
“And your bag to shit in… whatever happened to getting a towel?” – Hernandez
Hey Trips is reading an Air Force magazine, and he is apparently NOT at the show. He wants us to know that they beat the McMahons after overcoming a Limey, a Leprechan, a Cheerleader Team… etc – but as they were onto Bridgeport they saw Vince’s plane flying overhead. Shawn then flies a plane across the screen…. which apparently crashed and Shawn died.
“Insert Snakes joke here.” – Bill
They went to the terminal where Vince parks his plane, unfortunately there was an incident while they were there…
Flash to DX hanging on Vince’s jet. Trips warns Shawn not to scratch the plane’s paint job. They put out their pinkies while they drink some champagne and admore the big DX logo on the side of it.
“You really did a nice job..” – Shawn
“You too” – Trips
As they show the DX logo on the tail as well. Vince, in the back is… upset.
“Somebody grab a belt, he might swallow his tongue.” – Jenna
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:34
Hey it’s Trish, wearing white sportsbra… how breasty of her!
If you haven’t gotten yet… this show is sponsered by Boflex. Also by Skittles, and Crank.
Hey, Victoria is here.
“The blowoff match for your knee…” – Hernandez
As a note – if we don’t see Maria, then Trish wins the Lech Award tonight.
Match starts with a cheapshot by Trish, but Trish comes right back with a few of her own. Tosses Victoria into the corner and a splash fills Victoria’s mouth with boob. A dropkick sends Victoria to the outside and then a Thesz Press off the apron.
“BUSTED KNEE” – Hernandez
Trish sends her back in and catches Victoria’s boot – follows up with a hard clothesline. As they get to their feet, she sits on Victoria’s shoulders and a victory roll for two. She goes for the Stratusfaction, but Victoria catches her with a backbreaker.. mean.
“Well, Trish didn’t screw it up…” – Hernandez
Now Victoria knees her in the back.. Sideslam from Victoria, but Trish counters it with a headscissors, nice spot. Follows up with a clothesline for two. As they get to their feet, Trish gets a solid knee to the temple and Victoria goes up to the top turnbuckle. Trish follows up and BIG hurricanrana from Trish. Fists to Victoria’s head, but Vicky catches her and sets her up for the Widow’s Peak – blocked by Trish – Stratusfaction – Pin – Win.
WINNER: TRISH
Solid match between the two… and now … here comes Vince?
“BARK LIKE A DOG!” – Hernandez
Vince wants to know if the audience likes what DX did to the plane. They do.
“I could care less, it was just funny..” – Hernandez
In a few minutes, Vince is going to has HIS fun. The cops are going to go and catch up with DX and we’ll see them get arrested… next.
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:45
SNAPPLE FACT: Your breathign rate increases when you start to type.
Note – I type at roughly 100 words a minute on an average day. I’m surprised the Rabble doesn’t make my asthma kick in.
We’re back. Nothing’s changed.
“We’re ready now..” – Vince
“We can play the pre-recorde…. I mean Live Footage” – Me
Trips and Shawn are there on top of Titan Towers! HEY, WE’LL FINALLY SEE THE GRAPHITTI’D BUILDING FROM THREE WEEKS AGO!!!!
So DX goes through a discussion about making their mark… and we get the obligatory shot of the building with the logo. They moon us, we go back to the ring.
Vince and Shane leave quietly.
“SHANE!!!! Get the bucket and soap!!!” – Me
Vince looks sad as the crowd chants ‘Nanana Hey Hey Goodbye.’
“Aww, Vince lost his smile..” – Jenna
Up next..
“A Funeral For a Friend..” – Hernandez
..Orton & Flair.
..Kane & Nitro.
..but REALLY next is Edge & Jeff Hardy.
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:53
This Week In Wrestling History – August 26, 1999
The first episode of Smackdown.
Undertaker & Big Show faced the Acolytes.
Shane faced Kane.
Steph said YES to Test.
In the main event, Triple H faced the Rock with HBK as the special guest ref.
Shane walking down the back with Vince, they meet Mick Foley!
“How ya doin Vince..” – Mick
“..you called me Vince?” – Vince
“Yeah, I called you Vince.” – Mick
“Last week you said, if I recall correctly, I could kiss your ass.” – Mick
“He also called you a sunuvabitch” – Shane
Vince lets Mick know that Vince doesn’t like him, and he shouldn’t call him Vince. He’s ALSO going to invite Mick into the Kiss My Ass club! Mick gets all heated, and he finds out if he doesn’t agree, someone’s getting fired.
Now though – here comes Jeff Hardy!
JEFF HARDY vs. EDGE
Matt & Christian nowhere to be seen…
As Edge gets to the apron – Jeff does the baseball slide – then a plancha off the top!
Jeff chases Lita off, throws in Edge and the bell rings as he runs in to go for a two count. He picks up Edge and hits the ropes, Edge grabs him by the back and HURLS him to
the outside.
“Mmmmthe mat…ssso niceee.. sso cold” – Me
“The mat’s my friend, Edge.” – Bill
Edge rolls him in and elbows him down.
“Did Lita get hurt last night?” – Bill
“Why?” – Hernandez
“..her shirt’s broken.” – Bill
“You walked right into that” – Me
“Morbid curiousity brought that on.” – Hernandez
Edge stretches Jeff’s back over the corner post. He picks him up and hurls him into the corner – followed by a kick and he heads to the top, but Edge rolls so he gets to his feet. Grabs Edge and DDT’s him down. He goes for the Twist of Fate, but it’s reversed into Edge’s own reversed DDT.
Back on their feet, Edge throws him to the corner, he leaps up to the top and a corkscrew legdrop onto Edge drops him for two. Jeff hits the Twist of Fate. He hits the Swanton! ONE… TWO…. THREE!!!!???? WAIT A SECOND.
Lita is on the outside and is yoinking on Edge’s leg. Apparently, that spot was supposed to be Lita stopping it, but the ref calls it as two, and it was actually three.
Well either way.. it was a horrible ending as Cena runs in.
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:06
So during the break – Cena and Edge beat the hell out of each other. Now in the back, Edge and Cena are beating the hell out of each other on the bridge. Cena at one point in time, beats on random people…
Edge finally gets thrown into the water.
“And Edge drowns and dies.” – Jenna
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:15
In the back Mick and Mileena talk about the Kiss My Ass club.
Now though it’s Johnny Nitro time. He comes out WITHOUT Mileena! He looks grumpy and down she runs. In he slides. Still a fun intro.
And KAAAANnnnnNNNNNeeeEEEEEEE…..EE..e.
KANE vs. NITRO
Sure!
Ding Ding – Kane throws Nitro down. Boots him down. Goes for the sideslam, but rolls out to his feet, and ducks a clothesline. He runs Kane into the corner and gets up top for the punches to the head. Gets thrown down, and hits the top rope for a springboard dropkick, but is DROPPED down.
Nitro is holding onto the top rope to try and get up – Kane throws him up and he lands ON HIS FACE! Kane hits the top rope, hits the big clothesline… IN RUNS UMAGA….
WINNER: NITRO via DQ
Umaga beats down Kane. Throws the Thumbpoke of Doom… we’re bored.
Kane sits up and eats a snapkick and a flying headbutt or two. Annnnd ANOTHER thumbpoke of doom. And Kane is bleeding from the mouth……
Kane spits some blood. I yawn. Praying for a commercial break so I can smoke away the boredom that was this spot.
“How do you stop Umaga?” – JR
“Play his music so he exits..” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:27
In case you missed it … Scary Spice won the Diva Contest.
Now the trailer for the Marine. Before it plays, I guarantee I won’t go see it.
Robert Patrick is in it!
“Have you seen this boy?” – Me
Hereeeee’s ORTON… Hey?
ORTON vs. RIC FLAIR….NEXT?!?!?!?! Good christ.
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:37
Sooooooo 2nd half of the show…. useless.
Next monday – Raw is on Sci-Fi because of Tennis…. DAMMIT NO TNA FOR YOU!
Here comes Ric, black eye, stitches.
“I want Ric to take off his robe and a blood fountain to come out of his chest.” – Me
Ric takes off his–
“WOO” – Bill
–robe and in runs Orton. Beat down and vertical suplex. He calls for Ric to get to his feet, Ric does and after two clotheslines, Ric goes over the top. Orton’s already bleeding.. lil cut on his lip duvat.
Orton follows out and beats down Flair for awhile… Flair is obviously in a weakened state. All this while Bill and I discuss where your ‘Krelbow’ is. Orton rolls in Flair, beats on him, kicks him out again. Flair, as a note, is bleeding.
Back in the ring – finally Flair goes and hits a spot! Good god it took awhile. There is a botched clothesline spot and Flair gets some chops in… hits the RKO and that’s it.
WINNER: RANDY ORTON
After that, Orton continues to beat down Flair. Ref tries to stop him. Nope. Orton beats on Flair some more. Ref goes and tells Lillian something, and the decision has been reversed!
WINNER: RIC FLAIR
So as Randy is sizing up Flair, in runs Carlito and elbows Randy’s back… hey look, a new feud….
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:52
Here comes Mick! Here comes Vince!
“HE’S A BEZERRRKERRRR” – Me
So Mick says go ahead and fire him. Vince says he’s not going to fire Mick! He’s going to fire Melina.
“EVERYBODY knows Mick’s secret weapon..” – Bill
“Nobody is worth kissing your ass for… Except her.” – Mick
“So get busy Mick” – Vince
Melina cries to have Mick not do it. He explains that this is a small thing to do for her friendship. Then after he kisses Vince’s ass he’s going to go with Melina to buy a big bottle of mouthwash and a bigger bottle of liquor.
Mick screams at Vince now to drop his pants. “Take your pants down you miserable useless sunuvabitch!”
Vince drops his pants. Mick kisses it.
“..and leaves a tooth.” – Bill
Note, it’s 10:57… and the act is done. So now the mic’s are off and Mick is still screaming at Vince. Vince is still screaming at Mick. Back and forth annnnd…. NUT PUNCH! Melina sorta heel turn, which is only sorta because she was already a heel… go fig.
Melina has two words for Mick though – “YOUR FIRED!”
So Vince talks as he walks up to the top of the key. They show us a replay of the nutshot, the asskiss…. and Vince walks out of the arena WITH the microphone. He leads us all out discussing getting an asshul…. oy.
They head on out of the arena. Outside though…. Vince’s happy facade drops. “I think DX has broken me. I loved that plane. It’ll never be the same again. What about the World Headquarters… the entire side of the building, those rotten bastards. First stop is the hanger.”
They both get into the limo… annnnnd… where is it? ….WHERE IS IT???
And as the limo drives away, there is a chain connected to the back axel of the car… and we watch as THE ENTIRE BACK OF THE LIMO COMES OFF! Wow!
Helluva stunt, admittedly. So Shane & Vince crawl out of the car. Vince hits the limo driver and sees the damage…. and the big DX logo on the other side of the limo….. the show ends with him kicking the limo, holding his neck.. and screaming.
The show ended uncomfortable and 3 minutes early.
OOooookay…
“Thumbs down” – Bill
“Better than last weeks” – Jenna
“The last spot was very uncomfortable” – Hernandez
“First half of the show, not so bad. Second half of the show, I enjoyed my pizza.” – Me
That’s that – sorry we went quiet, but if you were watching.. you would have been quiet too.
Now though, I have a treat kids, guess who’s back? That’s right, she’s moved in and giving us her thoughts on wrestling in general – she’s PENNY!
T H E R A B B L E !
Not much point in writing live commentary on Raw now, since the new home on The Score delays it an hour, so I’m going with general rants and musings.
Oh and quietly revelling in the hissyfit Eric S must be throwing with Jeffikins returning to RAW tonight. I bet he’s had 3 seizures already just picturing a Hanky-Boy run-in on Dulled Edge tonight, heh heh heh. Personally, if he’s clean, I’m happy to have him back. God knows WWE needs every crowd-pleaser they can get.
On to the ranting.
Hogan can lick me. He had no business returning on that knee, no business stinking up a ppv ring with that subpar (even for him) performance, no business using RAW to foist his daughter off on us, and most of all no goddamn business refusing to job to Randy. Now I don’t like WhOrton for shit, but that doesn’t mean I don’t see that WWE desperately needs kids like him to be built up as the future. WWE is in a sad state for main eventers right now, because they didn’t do enough to move good young talent not named Cena or Edge up the ladder properly. I love Booker to death, he deserves his spot, but his opponent pool is so limited he gets stuck carrying a phoning-it-in Underseller on Smackdown, then carrying Dapper Dave on a PPV. And he’ll be dancing with Dave til Survivor Series because there just isn’t ANYONE else but Rey-Rey worth the main event there, and now that Rey’s won and lost his token pity reign, he’ll NEVER sniff the World Title ever again and we all know it. Just like we all know once Booker’s outlived his usefullness as a foil for Dave, he’ll never see main event gold on his waist again either, isn’t that right Massuh Vince suh? I don’t care what anyone tells me about how nice Vince can be backstage et al, the man is a blatant racist, sexist, homophobic prick whose lost all semblance of common sense or business saavy. He’s proven that much by not cutting Steph revealing his incest angle idea from the Best of Vince DVD. If he had any sense left he’d have burned the footage and bitchslapped Steph for spilling. Then again if Vince was anything resembling an intelligent saavy human being anymore, he’d never have suggested it to begin with. As much as I hate Steph, she won some respect from me for having the balls to tell Vince “No”. Lucky for her she’s his daughter, because we all know that if you tell Vince no, you normally get sent to script OVW every week. If you’re lucky. And over on Raw, Shawn’s cutting back on his schedule, Trips is painted into a storyline corner preventing him from title shots anytime soon (thank god), Flair is dead and no one’s told him yet and….. well that’s it. There’s NOBODY for Edge or Cena to dance with when their program ends that can sell seats like they are. Carlito’s improving slowly but is nowhere near ready to carry a brand, Shelton will never see a main event program unless he learns to promo like a God, because Vince won’t let both his belts be worn by minorities, and really, who else is there? Anybody else on the payroll who could add to either WWE brand is tied up with ICW.
Yes, I typed I instead of E. That’s because so far in my opinion, WWECW should be rebranded “Imitation of Cult Wrestling”, because that’s all it is, an imitation. I’ve enjoyed a good share of the matches so far because I disassociated them from being ECW matches. I can enjoy the new brand if I don’t think of it as ECW, because while I understand the futility in reliving the past, and the need to evolve, build new stars,and become something new, calling it ECW is very much trying to live in the past. ECW died over 5 years ago. There’s nothing left. Calling it ECW won’t raise the dead. All WWECW can ever be is a bastard child, made fun of by the senoirs while trying to impress the other freshmen by doing stupid shit that could get itself killed. Which was pretty much my life in high school so for that reason alone, I’ll watch ECW just to watch it try to grow beyond it’s surname. We all know ECW is the offspring of a deceased legend, stuck with it’s progenitor’s name trying to get out of it’s shadow. The question is, will it be a David Sammartino or Scott Putzski, forever a laughable footnote in wrestling whose very existance in wrestling somehow stains their respective fathers’ legendary careers? Or will it be A Rock or a Rey Mysterio, whose predeccessors were good, entertaining, but never quite made it big, that surpassed those who came before and reached levels their Senoirs never dared hope? Well, ECW2 is already more than doubling the best ratings ECW1 ever drew, so it’s at least off to a solid start. Now, it needsto start phasing out the “booster talent”, i.e. WWE guys sent there to lure fans and get a fanbase rooted that will continue when ECW’s original fanbase is all gone, Get the belt on an ECW original and build them up as every bit as good as their wwe counterparts, and build up the newer young talent being polished in ECW like CM Punk, so that when the remnants of ECW Senoir pass the torch to the new stars of ECW Junoir, it will have the weight it needs to mean something. As impressed I am by Big Show’s determination to be true to ECW, it won’t mean anything to ECW fans old or new if he loses to CM Punk. If he loses to Dreamer, RVD, or Sabu, yeah, it’ll mean something, giving ECW a good shot of old-school cred, and when one of THEM eventually loses to Punk, it will have the weight and importance a world title change/passing of the torch SHOULD have, and honestly, hasn’t in years ANYWHERE.
It’s time for Vince to realize that Kevin Dunn has no idea how to make ECW work and evolve at the same time. As long as someone financially saavy covers finances and expenditures, put Paul and Tommy in the driver’s seat and ECW WILL be a success. Assuming of course I’m not dead-on about why Vince revived it. See past Rabbles for that.
Til next week, I’m Penny. Gabe draws me but Tyco doesn’t write my dialogue.
