Okay, it can’t be denied now. I even said it a few weeks ago after the Open Championship: if he wins the PGA, that settles it. So let us proclaim the mystery of faith:
Tigger. Is. God.
There was still actually a doubt about Player Of The Year entering the final round of the PGA. Ogilvy was sitting right there in contention, and if he should have pulled it out, or even finished a strong second, there was a serious case to be made for him, what with a major and a WGC already in the books. But he faded thanks to a horrendous series of shanked putts. Now that race is settled, and it’s HIM, yet again. Sitting now with only Jack in front of him, having bid the shriven spirit of Walter Hagen a fond farewell. Two-thirds of the way there to that figure that’s been haunting him since he was a child: 18.
And speaking of child, if the British was for Earl, was this one for Mike Douglas, who passed away recently? If not for Tigger appearing as a two-year-old on Douglas’ show, where might he be today? And does he need any more inspiration? What the hell happens in March if Elin tells him she’s preggers? Can we count on not only a Tiger Slam but also a Grand Slam?
I had a look at the all-time wins list. Tigger’s at 51 right now. Ties him with Billy Casper, actually. The next one, which could come next week at the Bridgestone, ties him with Lord Byron his own self. Would you want to be at the Bridgestone this week, knowing that you don’t have a chance? He’s won his last three tournaments. The WGCs are his baby. Especially this WGC, considering he’s won at Firestone four times and, oh, yes, is defending champion (add on the fact that he finished second to Stewart Cink in 2004, and it gets even better). If you thought the clinical dissections at Royal Liverpool and Medinah were sick, wait until next week. And then the Amex is also coming up. He’s won that one four times too, and it’s back at Harding Park where he and Daly had their classic playoff last year. Is Arnie happy there’s a significant gap between him and Nelson on the all-time wins list or what? And after Arnie, it’s a short hop over Ben Hogan, and then there’s only Jack and Snead.
No, it’s not premature to be talking about that. Let me reiterate this for you in easy-to-understand terms: He’s. Only. 30. Years. Old. He’s about to celebrate his tenth anniversary as a pro. If he continues at his current pace, he’ll have his 84th victory when he’s 37. Sam Snead won his 83rd at the age of 53. We are watching The Greatest Of All Time, Period. The conclusion’s inescapable.
You know what else I was thinking on Sunday as I was watching him? How jazzed I am to be looking forward to the 2009 US Open. Yes, he could win the next couple of years and get the Triple Career Grand Slam, but he’s got a chance (two years in a row, by the way) for something even more unique: a Career Double Grand Slam On The Same Course. He already has four wins at Augusta. Add on the two Opens at St. Andrews and the two PGAs at Medinah. In 2009, he has a chance for a second US Open win at Bethpage. If he should miss that, he has another shot in 2010 at Pebble. Of course, there are some weirdos who will hold that against him, saying that his victories come disproprotionately on certain courses. If you throw in Firestone into the equation, there’s sort of a point there. But f*ck that. He proved at Royal Liverpool that he doesn’t require the Old Course to win the Claret Jug. Medinah underwent a redesign between 1999 and this year. He’s won on courses as dissimilar as Bethpage and Valderamma.
He’s God, period. And it’s time we acknowledge that.
And as is tradition, Captain Lehman added his picks for the Ryder Cup team after the PGA. He chose Stewart Cink and Scott Verplank. No real arguments there. They’ve got team experience and were pretty high up there on the points list. Who else could he have selected? Well, Davis Love instead of Verplank, maybe, but Davis said that he didn’t deserve the selection. Lehman said that the most painful omission was Lucas Glover, but with four rooks on the team already, he needed the experience. Hey, I’m a Verplank mark, and I’m glad to see he’s going to Ireland. Let’s just hope they’ll be enough to make this year’s edition competitive. 2004 was an embarassment. Hell, I’ll just wait until 2012. It’s going to be at Medinah, you know.
And with that, we move away from golf and on to the rest of the bullshit…
THE PIMP SECTION
Anderson has nothing to say, yet says it so well.
Vincente discusses pain, specifically the pain of finishing with the worst record in the SummerSlam Round Table.
Daniels goes all wah-wah-wah over the fact that Yankers Stadium will be biting the dust. Yeah, it is a shame, because a pisshole like that fits right into the Bronx, and for that matter, all of Noo Yawk. And good try with the serious ass-kissing, but I’m being a bit more realistic for the Beloved. 10-6 and another first-round playoff exit sounds about right.
Cooling starts contributing again on a regular basis with a column about the real sport of football. Now start giving some LUV to Eintracht Frankfurt, you bastard. Since I know I won’t get any positive Arsenal mentions from you, that’s the least you can do.
Gloomie goes after people who deserve it.
Paul needed only one week to get a new job he loves. God, I hate him sometimes. As for me, I’m getting a paycheck and still interviewing. Think about it.
Basilo watched the Shatner Roast. Me, I haven’t watched anything on Comedy Central since they forced MST3K off. No, downloading South Park does not count as watching the network.
Wallace has only one more booze-related column left. After that, we in Wrestling get him to ourselves.
And, going off of the result of the recent Time/CNN poll, I think it’s time to declare myself for 2008. Yes, I’m going with Clinton.
And now, for the return of an old favorite…
YOU’RE A MORON: WHO PISSED IN HIS CHEERIOS?
Yeah, it’s been a while since I got a good piece of hate mail. Usually, you can tell at first glance what triggered someone to write something that would enable me to red-flag his ass with the FBI. Not in this missive from Anthony Palucki, who was oh-so-brave and sent this one via Twatmail:
well, you’ve finally done it.
Done what? Tell me. My nipples are exploding in anticipation of that.
I sure hope you’re doing the Hyatte thing and pissing everyone off for good on your way out the door,
You do know that Hyatte’s still writing, don’t you? Just not for us.
because your column has officially become unreadable.
Adjust your monitor.
and for the record, you are no asshole.
Oh, hold on. Now I think I know what prompted this. Remember last week when I did that story about My Illegitimate Son Ken Doane and MickieLexis LaJames driving away from the arena when they were accosted by an asshole fan who wanted his sign autographed? And Ken, being his father’s son, drove away, supposedly injuring the guy’s shoulder? And the guy ended up pressing assault charges? And me calling the fan a stupid f*ck for not knowing when and where asking for autographs is appropriate? Well, this guy took it personally, I guess, although I have no clue why he would. Unless it’s because I dared to defend the right to privacy of a couple of kids in love.
calling you an asshole is an insult to assholes everywhere.
I would presume that your asshole was insulted too. Two words: Preparation H.
being a ‘woman-less
By choice.
jaded
By life experience. You get to be my age, oogums, and you’ll be jaded too.
sci-fi/wrestling aficionado
ECW has made that an acceptable combination these days, you know.
with a superiority complex
It’s not a complex, dear. It’s a fact.
who desperately needs his ass kicked’
And who’s going to do the job? You? Bitch, please. I’ve been threatened by professionals, not to mention Jason Gallo.
puts you far below the assholes on the cretin pecking order.
Assholes aren’t on the Cretin Pecking Order. It’s Cretins at the top, then Imbeciles, then Morons, then Retards, then Bill Simmons, then you.
thanks for putting one more sword in the beast that was my attention to the IWC.
That’s possibly the weakest and strangest analogy in that vein I’ve ever seen in print.
why don’t you go lay down in the center lane of I-94 and report back.
I can definitely do that, because in the center of I-94, once you get out of the city, is a median. Inside the city, you have to deal with the El, but that’s manageable due to the fact that they never run on time.
f*ck you loser.
Pot, kettle, black, bitch.
THE BOYS OF SUMMER
I’m sure that you’ve heard the term “addition by subtraction”. Well, WWE definitely demonstrated that in regard to the card for SummerSlam. By blowing off the UT/Khali match on Smackdown (and as the transition match, no less, leaving the “main” for the Booker/DAVE promo), they improved the card to no end. The Second-Biggest PPV Of The Year was left with an incredibly tight card, with nothing egregiously horrid left on there. No, not even TBS/Sabu, since it was designated Extreme Rules, thus playing into Sabu’s strengths and hiding TBS’s weaknesses (and also f*cking my prediction for the match up; putting that caveat in my prediction was like bogeying a reachable par 5). But did calculation lead to quality? Let’s see.
No, Iain, I am not whining or being hypocritical when criticizing the Rey-Rey/Chavito situation. This is just out-and-out bad taste, exploiting a dead man for no good reason. We’ve been saying this for months now. Remember when I said that Rey-Rey was the first man to have won a world championship because someone else died? Yet the plundering of Eddy’s memory continues, and with this feud, it’s reached a new crescendo. Now Eddy has become the overt cause of a feud rather than someone who’s “being paid tribute”. There’s a fine line there…you know what? I am a hypocrite. After all, I used the dead body of Babs Olsen to strike at her widower for being a tool of the Junta. The difference was that I’m a vicious piece of shit, and you’d expect me to utilize the dead for purposes of malice. I don’t put up someone to be some kind of plaster saint (which Eddy was definitely not in real life; he put Vickie and the kids through hell due to his addictions and outrageous behavior) and revere their memory on one hand while exploiting it on the other. I leave that to even bigger pieces of shit than me, the Ann Coulters and Vince McMahons of the world. That’s why I’m pissed. They’re defaming the man by idealizing the memory and using it for financial gain. And that’s why most people are pissed about this.
By the way, good decision on who went over. Now let’s hope Rey-Rey can get that knee surgery he needs.
TBS/Sabu was, like Anderson said, nothing that we couldn’t have seen on BitTorr…sorry, Sci-Lie. The problem with this match was simple: Sabu wasn’t allowed to cut loose. Why did this happen? Maybe they didn’t want to have him show up the I Quit Match in any way. If that’s the case…no, let me rephrase that…In any case, why the hell are you employing Sabu? He’s supposed to be Walking Suicide, ready to kill himself at a moment’s notice. The result was really irrelevant. We wanted Extreme. We got Mildly Hardcore instead. As for the result, I was a little disappointed, but it’s easily rationalized when you think about Van Dam’s current position. Actually, no, it’s not. The next PPV appearance for ECW will probably be Survivor Series (unless they push up their plans and revive November To Remember instead of Barely Legal). What the hell are they going to do with TBS for three months? Van Dam can’t feud with him for that long. Oh, well, we’ll find out something tonight.
Oh, the irony. Except there is none.
Now, you know me. I would rather be surrounded by our forum posters than want Randy Orton to win a match. However, in this situation, I actually wanted him to win. It just made a great deal more sense if he did. Fortunately, the stupid booking (undoubtedly caused by a certain creative control clause) didn’t hamper the match a great deal. It would have sucked regardless. After watching this, I appreciated the sheer genius and incredible talent of Shawn Michaels even more than ever. After all, he got a watchable match out of Hogan last year, something you definintely can’t accuse Orton of. What a goddamn anticlimax to an angle as protracted as this one.
Normally, I wouldn’t approve of this, but since it’s Hogan getting the beating…
Foley/Flair, though, was what we…well, you…paid the price of admission for. The problem here was that it couldn’t have lived up to the hype unless one of them up and died in the ring. They tried their best to do that, though. What I’d like to know is this: when did they come to the agreement to someday do this? Was it as quickly as that flight from Manila where they supposedly hashed out their differences? Let’s face it, these are two smart cookies we’re talking about, two longtime vets. Since both sniped at each other very publicly, they almost certainly came to the realization, probably before their reconciliation, that this thing could easily draw money, especially given who they are. Foley’s got kids to raise. Flair’s got his new hot young wife (and Beth’s probably soaking him for every cent of alimony she can). Yeah, they needed the cash. And both of them knew that there had to be one helluva payoff to this prior to Mick going off on book-writing sabbatical thanks to their unearthly promos and great prelim match.
So, yeah, why not an I Quit Match? The problem here was in the execution. Too short, for the main thing. That forced a lot of blood to be shed quickly. The key to the use of blood in a hardcore type of wrestling match is the rate of flow. Start it off slowly, then let the total amount increase until, deep into an extended match, you get an incredible visual and the word “Muta” is pulled out. Start gushing immediately, which they did, especially Flair, and the words “Sissy Spacek” are pulled out instead. And this isn’t the legendary-Academy-Award-winning Coal Miner’s Daughter-and-after Spacek either. It’s Carrie Spacek, when she still hadn’t developed her greatness (overrated film, by the way, but I also don’t suck DePalma’s dick and I hate Stephen King). All of this has a tendency to obscure rather than enhance.
No, I’m not saying this match was bad. It was damn good, for what it was. And what it was was too short for an I Quit Match, too suddenly bloody for a hardcore match, and featuring two guys who were running the risk of being Hoffman and Beatty just after signing the contract for Ishtar…
…what the hell is it with the movie analogies? Am I reviewing another movie this week or something? No, my next appearance in the Movies zone will be next month in the 50 Club. It’s just working out that way. I just wish that this match had worked out a little differently.
What becomes a legend most
Booker/Batista would have been a total, complete bore if not for one thing: High-Quality Speaker Boy. It just amazes me with every passing week what he’s brought to the table. And he might just do something else while he’s at it. It was High-Quality Speaker Boy’s assumption of the championship that drove Scott Keith away from Smackdown once and for all. Wouldn’t it be the height of irony if it’s his qualities as an announcer that brings Scooter back? Scott would appreciate that; unlike certain other Canadians, he knows the meaning of “ironic”. As for the match, oh, who cares? DAVE is getting the belt back eventually, probably around Survivor Series. But they have to do it soon. Other people have remarked about this, but his heat’s dying. Or maybe it was the Bos-tard crowd. These days, you really can’t tell.
Booker and DAVE take a little break
And while I’m giving High-Quality Speaker Boy virtual fellatio (it would be against his image as a conservative mouthpiece these days to receive the real thing from a man anymore, unlike in the good old days when he was single and Paul London’s tender, naked flesh cried out from beneath a shower nozzle…better stop there, or else), I might as well put on another layer of Carmex and move over to the cock (hopefully not loved by his father) of Shane McMahon. Yes, he knows that he doesn’t have to keep up a full-time schedule as a wrestler, so he can take risks out there. However, he doesn’t need to be out there at all. He could sit in Stamford, head to the office, run the New Media Department or whatever they’re calling it this week, leave the office in the evening, get home and give Marissa and the boys a hug, and kick back with a brewski (I see Shane as a beer drinker, for some reason). The fact that he goes out there and, every match that he’s in, impresses, and has been doing it for years, is amazing. When it’s combined with his well-known ambivalence toward the business, it’s remarkable. Shane doesn’t get enough credit. I still think that when Vince dies, he’s going to get aced out by his sister and brother-in-law and be content with his own little bailiwick while they exercise the power. But that won’t detract for what he’s shown and what he’s been able to do (both on screen and backstage; if you weren’t around then and don’t know, he and Vinny Ru were the prime movers behind transitioning WWE to Attitude). Bravo, Shane. Next time, let’s hope you hit the VanTerminator.
You’d better be happy that wasn’t my illegitimate son, bucko
Edge/Cena? Yeah, that gets a big “Who Cares?” from me too. Irrelevant, really. They’re going to be fighting over this for a while, mostly because no one else is built up enough on Raw to challenge. The next person on the assembly line is Jamalga, but he needs a little seasoning first (people are designating him for a feud with Trip, and that wouldn’t be too bad). So we’re stuck with these two until probably Royal Rumble. Therefore, this was nothing in the big scheme of things, and it should be treated that way.
He’ll have to clean his boots afterward, but it’s worth it
To summarize: mediocre in the extreme. Flair/Foley had a nice gory quality to it, but nothing much seemingly entertained. When the biggest entertainment came from one of the announcers, something’s definitely wrong here.
And speaking of something wrong, any news worth noting? No. That means it’s on to Raw…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Rory McAllister, Robbie McAlister, Jim Duggan, and the retard over Johnny Jeter, Mike Mondo, Nick Nemeth, and My Illegitimate Son Ken Doane (Pinfall, Rory pins Nemeth, springboard face-first suplex): So how much do you expect me to care about this match? If your answer is “zero”, claim your prize. Filler, nothing more.
Trish Stratus over Victoria (Pinfall, Stratusfaction): The usual good match from these two, and a reminder of how much we’re going to miss Trish once she leaves. Fortunately, we should be in for a series of Victoria/LaJames matches due to them turning LaJames face. It’ll be an adequate replacement, but only a replacement. Trish is sui generis.
Jeffykins over Edge, Non-Title Match, Thank God (DQ, Lita-ference): Deadwood happens to be very good when it comes to historical accuracy (except when it gets in the way of dramaturgy, in which case it steps aside quietly to let the plot advance). So when there is an inaccuracy, it tends to stick out. Last Sunday’s episode had one that was blatant if you knew about it. George Hearst used the term “homosexual relationship”. The word “homosexual” was not common currency in English, even among the educated, in the 1870s. A rare lapse for a show that does its research.
I don’t know why this match reminded me of this.
Kane over Johnny Nitro, Intercontinental Title Match (DQ, Interference): You kinda suspected that if they didn’t want a title change, they’d have to go for interference in this match in order for Nitro to survive the Kane Experience. Who do you call when you need interference at this level? Who else?
Kudos to Kane for using the oral blood capsules. That did more than anything so far to sell the rather silly Samoan Spike.
Randy Orton over Ric Flair (Pinfall, RKO; decision reversed due to apres-match shenanigans): No, I’m afraid that it doesn’t erase the fact that Orton got unfairly buried by Hogan’s creative control (am I actually feeling a bit of pity for Randy Orton?), not with Flair being sold as being drained from Sunday’s nightmare with Foley. Can the feud with Carly save him from descending further into the depths? Doubtful. Check back later.
Angle Developments:
Missed Opportunities: The opening promo just killed the show dead. No, it wasn’t because Edge was atrocious promo-wise (even though he wasn’t up to his usual standard). It was because of the circumstances surrounding everything. They had a chance to get rid of the Bling Belt forever and get back to something normal. Instead, they only gave Edge a custom version of it (hopefully, that’s a sign of a long title reign). Then, they had a chance to elevate someone to main event level in a new feud with Edge. Hell, I would have given Carly a shot; he’s been improving in the ring lately enough that he’s become a credible main eventer (instead, Carly gets to feud against someone that isn’t a credible main eventer, namely Orton). What do they do? They gave the slot to Jeffykins. How do you justify that abomination? Well, I can do so even if they can’t. They signed the piece of shit knowing that his shelf life is going to be extremely limited because he’s going to violate the Wellness Program sooner rather than later. So, why not attempt to maximize value? Unforrtunately, maximixing value brings up a nightmare scenario that someone brought up to me: Triple Threat TLC In Toronto. Please note that this is not analogous to Christian walking into TNA and going into the main immediately. Jeffykins is not Christian, and WWE is not TNA. I trust you can draw the proper conclusion without me leading you to it. You do have that much intelligence.
De-Generation Jet: Why are people wondering why Trip, husband, father, and (most importantly) in-law, and Michaels, forty-something father of two, are doing DX again, and for an extended period (people were also believing that SummerSlam would be the blow-off)? Well, it’s obvious to me, but that may be because I’m older. As you get older, the opportunities to behave like an irresponsible youth grow less and less. You have to take them when they come, and if you’re actually getting paid to do it…oh, that’s a dream. So, they’re indulging themselves, and good for them. Not only are they enjoying this, but they’re making us enjoy this. How exactly is this a bad thing for anyone involved? Plus, you have to admit that the paint jobs on the jet and Titan Tower go far beyond filling a Ferrari with cement. In a good way.
Seroconversion: So Foley’s current purpose is finished (in other words, he fulfilled his contractual obligation for the year). Time to put him in deep freeze until he needs to do something next year, I guess. In order to keep him fresh and popular, he had to go back to being a face. What better way to do that than the Kiss My Ass Club? The nice twist here is that they used the situation to help get Melina more over…wait a second, to help get Melina more over? She doesn’t need to get more over. Nitro needs to get more over. Are they expecting some kind of secondary effect? Despite over a decade of evidence that it doesn’t work? Jesus, just look at Sytch. Did Candido get more over because of her popularity (or for that matter, did Canterbury and Knight, or…no, I won’t bring up LOD2000)? There’s no real communicable effect here. The only way this makes sense is if they’re attempting to build Melina up to be the top female heel on Raw to replace LaJames, who’s being turned face to replace Trish. I’ll buy that, but only if they follow up.
That’s going to be it for this one, I think. I’ll be back this weekend with the Short Form, and maybe, just maybe, something special for you. Let’s just say that if plans work out, I’m going where this column has never gone before.
