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The NeelDown: TNA Hard Justice
– Hosts are Mike Tenay & Don West
– From Orlando, Florida
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– Sorry, but I missed out on the short Devine/Young opener that started the fire. Nothing I can do about it, as the recording tape didn’t catch it, but didn’t want to put the review off. Sorry! So we’ll pick up from the fire evacuation …
– Now we get an ARRAY of repetitive PPV promos, from the likes of Destination X and Lockdown, all hyping up Jarrett-Sting. No, seriously, this goes on FOREVER. At least give us some kind of live update so we see a sign of life for this show we’re paying for. Oh, in case you didn’t know, the concessus to all of the videos is that Sting doesn’t like Jarrett and wants to eliminate him.
– Technical Difficulties Please Stand by – TNA is flashed on the screen. Here we go, back to the damn String promos. I really wish I would have timed all of this together.
– Finally we return, with Tenay and Borash standing in the parking lot to explain what happened with the pyro and the “essence of live TV.” We see the firetrucks and then the replay of what happened. The ever-so energetic Don West joins us to update that the fans are being hauled back in, and does his best to still try to hype all of the title matches. So Tenay and West stand around and talk for a while. We see an empty shot of the arena. Some of Tenay’s mindless, unrehearsed commentary here is priceless. West admits that they may have to cut some stuff due to time constraints, but all of the title matches will still be held.
– Eric Young shows up to say that it was a little hot in there and says that they need to know that Jim Cornette knows that it wasn’t him.
– Now Monty Brown shows up to cut the strangest, funniest promo I’ve ever seen. He say he’s gonna group everybody together and blaze everybody at the same time. I translated the whole promo in my Backlash 2003 rant, for those interested. Monty sings about how Joe is running around with a cheeseburger in his hand. He sings about himself being fly. He is the Alpha Male, the Alpha Male is him, he is I, and I am him. Joe is a hippophant, half hippo, half elephant. Rhino is a herbivore. Yes, king of all insults, a PLANT EATER. Now we see the Impact Zone filling back up. Priceless.
– Now Shane Douglas and The Naturals show up, and Douglas says George Bush is a great President because he had the war on terror thrown on his lap and he rose to the challenge. And without further adue … we’re back.
Chris Sabin v. Alex Shelley
This match is of course because Nash suffered a fatal neck injury before the show, and he is wheeled out in a wheel chair in a neck brace. Shelley goes after the arm to start but gets it reversed by Sabin. They lock up and Shelley flips him over then gets an arm drag. Shelley kicks him in the groin. Some more reversals and Shelley begs off. Sabin gets an arm drag then springs in with a dropkick for two. Another dropkick, and he stops to mock Nash.
That allows Shelley to attack and get a bulldog. Spinebuster sets up a lionsault for two. Shelley misses a baseball slide and Sabin follows up with a suicide dive. CROTCH CLAW OF DEATH applied by Shelley, but Sabin gets an enzigiri then sweeps him with a low dropkick. Top rope elbow gets two. Sabin gets a running kick to the corner and goes up top, but Shelley takes him down with an atomic drop then locks in an odd crossface/armbar combination submission. Sabin gets the ropes.
Shelley gets hung in the tree of woe and Sabin gets the sliding dropkick for a close two. “Ah, he was pinned, man” proclaims DW. Shelley bites Sabin’s head then gets the Carlito backcracker while Sabin is in the corner. Shell Shock gets two, and Nash slides a chair in, but Shelley gets it dropkicked in his face. Cradle Shock finishes for the pin. Wow, imagine that. Sabin goes over in an X division number one contendership. Good match, if not a bit lacking due to Kev’s sudden injury. (**3/4)
Winner: Chris Sabin
Abyss v. That Guy from Taxi
Well, at least Spike gets SOME matches in TNA. He is sporting a tie dye muscle shirt and a mohawk. He slugs away to start and tries the stupid headbuts, but they fail, so he tries a crossbody and gets knocked down. Abyss then tosses him into the crowd ECW style. On the floor, in an overbooked spot, Runt gets the acid drop onto the railing. Runt gets some chairs, but Slick takes one away, as Abyss steels the other one and sets it up in the corner. Abyss sends his head through it.
Corner clothesline, but Runt grabs the chain and punches him with it, then gets the double stomp for one. Acid drop gets two. He tries a … snapmare, but gets shoved into the ref. The ref bump allows Abyss to get the tacks and grind Runt’s head into them, of course in a clear part of the canvas with not many tacks. Runt hulks up but gets tossed into the tacks, then a Black Hole Slam finishes for the pin. We’ll at least give it 1/4* for the Black Hole Slam into the tacks, despite it being pretty much a total squash. (1/4*)
Winner: Abyss
Samoa Joe v. Monty Brown v. Rhino – No Holds Barred
Big brawl in the ring to start, Monty takes control over both guys. Short-arm clothesline on Joe. Monty charges but gets tossed by Rhino where he follows with a half-assed crossbody. Joe follows on them with a suicide dive. Joe sends Rhino to the railing but Rhino goes after him with a can lid out of nowhere. Joe punts the can into his face and sets up a chair, which he sits Monty in and chops him, then gets a running boot.
Rhino attacks Joe with a kendo stick as they brawl into the crowd, and now some choking with it. Joe comes back and kicks Rhino into the wall. As they approach ringside Monty jumps onto them for a double pin that gets two. Monty gets fed to the wall, and then Joe, who nearly breaks through it. Now the wall is peeled apart, where it is revealed that it is only a cheap fence behind it. Monty pounds on Rhino with a piece of the cardboard from the wall, and then in a funny moment, stops to sneeze, which is seen on camera.
Rhino takes Monty up further into the stands, but Joe comes up and pounds on them with a crutch. Rhino rakes his eyes, which is fair game, but Joe fights back and wacks him with a chair he was handed by a fan. Joe goes downstairs on Monty then superkicks him. This Is Awesome chant starts up. Rhino cracks an umbrella over Monty’s head. Rhino attacks Joe with the kendo stick, but then is met with can lid shots. Rhino suplexes Monty on the ramp then slugs it out with Joe at the top. Belly to belly on Joe. He tries the Gore through the tunnel, but Joe blocks it and sends him to Monty who gets an underhook suplex for two.
Joe charges after Monty, but is met with a SWEET textbook dropkick. Who knew Monty had that in him? The dropkick gets two, and Rhino attacks. The carnage finally settles down in the ring, with Monty working over Rhino until Joe smacks him with the can lid. Atomic drop and leg lariat by Joe, then he gets a can lid senton. Rhino jabs him with a chair to double him over, then gets a spinebuster on the chair for two. They battle up top, and Joe gets a sunset flip onto the chair for two. Monty yanks Joe out and feeds him to the announce table, then attacks with a trash can. Monty gets a table and sets it up beside the ramp. Joe attacks with a cookie tray, which I guess he got from the announce table.
Monty tries to suplex him through the table from the ramp, but Joe fights out with chops then takes him to the top of the ramp. Monty gets a running neckbreaker up there then sets up for the Pounce, but Rhino runs up and attacks with the can lid, causing Monty to roll down the ramp. Rhino tries to Gore Monty from the ramp through a table, but misses and goes through it himself. Joe then STOs Monty off the ramp through a table for the pin. This was about the best and most fun garbage match you’ll ever fine, without a doubt. (****)
Winner: Samoa Joe
– Larry Z awares us that he has rid us of Earl Hebner. Larry says him and Hebner got out of the fire so quick because little babies were getting hit in the head with debris.
Gail Kim v. Sirelda
Gail jumps her to start but runs into a shoulder. Corner clothesline and press slam by Sirelda, and she drops an elbow for two. Gail hangs her over the ropes and stops to dance on the apron. She drops a knee for two. Some punchy and choky stuff, then Gail applies a modified Tarantula, which actually gets mention from the announcers. Gail misses a high crossbody and Sirelda slams her down for two. She tries another slam but Gail turns it into a sleeper then snaps her down for the pin. Well, the crowd didn’t care about the “face” TNA version of Chyna, but Gail kept it interesting for being her hot self. (1/2*)
Winner: Gail Kim
Senshi v. Petey Williams v. Jay Lethal – X Division Championship
Slug fest to start, and Lethal gets dumped, where Petey follows with a rana. Senshi cartwheels out onto them with a flipping senton. Lethal tries to powerbomb Petey on the floor but he lands on the apron and blocks it. Inside Senshi kicks and chops Lethal, then gets a running shoulder. Petey comes back in to slug away, but he gets hit with a cartwheel kick out of nowhere. Petey wisely dropkicks the legs to eliminate the kicks. Lethal attacks Petey but misses a moonsault and gets suplexed. Petey gets a chin lock on Lethal but Senshi kicks him off.
Senshi gets a gutbuster on Lethal, then Lethal charges into Petey’s boots in the corner. Well, he just can’t catch a break. Senshi and Petey work together now, and it’s Oh Canada stomp time for Lethal. Senshi makes the turn on Petey and gets a pair of spin kicks. He goes up top, but Lethal follows him up with chops then tries a superplex, but he gets hung in the tree of woe instead. Petey tries a suplex but Senshi blocks it, and Lethal comes off the top with kicks on them both, which is probably the first move they have let him do this match.
Lethal gets a hip toss on Senshi then scoop slams Petey and seated dropkicks them both. Leg lariat on Petey, bridge suplex on Senshi gets two. Petey gets the tilt-a-whirl leg sweep and tries the Destroyer on Lethal, but he fights out and gets a bridge suplex for two. They exchange roll ups for a bunch of two’s. Petey tries a sunset flip on Senshi, but he gets double stomped in return. Lethal gets a gutwrench suplex on Senshi but gets attacked by Petey, who locks in a sharpshooter. Senshi of course kicks him off for two.
Lethal gets a reverse full nelson slam for two. Lethal has been the shining highlight in this, surprisingly. Lethal misses his diving headbut and falls victim to the Canadian Destroyer, but Senshi dropkicks Petey away and covers Lethal himself for the pin to retain the X title. That should set up a Senshi-Petey further feud. Decent X match that really picked up towards the end. (***)
Winner: Senshi
AJ ‘n Chris v. The Latin American Xchange – NWA Tag Team Championship
Daniels starts with Hernandez, and gets shoved down. Daniels grabs a headlock but gets shouldered down and scooped and slammed. Daniels slips out of a slam and dropkicks the legs, then gets a headscissors and leg lariat that sends him to the floor. Homicide and Styles come in now, and Styles slams him down in a hammerlock. Arm drag by Styles and they trade punches.
Styles leap frogs but gets caught by a snap rana from Homicide. Styles gets a sweet kip up rana sending Homicide to the floor, and Daniels comes in to take out Hernandez with a sloppy senton that we won’t mention. Back inside the faces double team Homicide and Daniels does some stomping and choking in the corner to work him over. Styles comes in and they double powerbomb Homicide, as well as dropping a knee, for two. Homicide fights back and gets a running neckbreaker while Styles is caught in the ropes. Hernandez continues his bizarre offense by just jumping onto Styles for two, and now we hit the rear choke point, applied by Hernandez. Even the Latin Americans know how to apply the dreaded rear chokes to bore matches.
Homicide comes in to continue with the rear choke on Styles. Styles springs out onto the apron but Hernandez yanks him out, where Homicide follows with a twirling suicide dive. LAX pound on Styles out there. The beatdown gets two. Hernandez is back with the rear choke. Styles fights out and makes the tag to Daniels who cleans house. Split-leg moonsault on Homicide gets two. Hernandez spears Daniels off the apron and follows with a crossbody, although also taking out his own partner. Yep, and there’s Styles with one as well. Back in, a Styles faceplant gets two. Crossbody gets two.
LAX double team Daniels with a bulldog from the shoulders for two. Towe of doom-esque move on Styles. Styles gets the Pele on Hernandez and a sloppy version of the inverted DDT for two. Random diamond cutter by Homicide on Styles, but Daniels takes care of him. STO on Homicide and Styles goes up top, but Konan shoves him off. Hernandez chops away on Daniels but LAX gets whipped into each other and the High Low finishes for the tag straps retain. This was slower and more dull through most of the early and mid parts than I expected, and for that reason not as good as the previous matches with AMW. (***)
Winners: AJ ‘n Chris
Jeff Jarrett v. Sting – NWA World Heavyweight Championship
Finally, the real match I wanted to see! The ’90’s World Wrestling All-Stars rematch featuring the middle-aged Sting and Jeff Jarrett, forget Samoa Joe and those guys. Nothing quite like this wankfest main event for the hardcore fanbase, as I can already feel the cascade of ratings building up, because every knows this IS the buyrate. It’s also evident from the crowd being absolutely dead, even in the hot spots. You know, because Sting and Jarrett are over so well with the fans and all, and because we’ve already seen this match years ago for free on TV, although they are building it up as new and something someone wants to see.
Sting goes for the Deathlock quickly, Jarrett wards him off but he goes for it again, and Jarrett gets the ropes. They go outside where Sting throws Jarrett across the announce table then nails him with the MINI-BOX FAN OF DOOM. The contraption that keeps Don West cooled down, such a massive weapon! Things spill into the crowd for some brawling. Jarrett takes a couple railing shots, including getting crotched on it. Sting retrieves a BEACH TOWEL from the fan and puts it over Jarrett’s head. Devastating.
Back at ringside, Sting pours a bottle of water on Jarrett, for good measure. Well, I guess once you’ve used box fans and beach equipment, you’ll already hit bottom of the barrel, so you’ll use anything. Anyway, Sting is up top, but Steiner wacks his legs with a chair. That allows Jarrett to attack the injured leg, then locks in the Figure Four. Sting anticlimactically reverses it, but Jarrett gets the ropes. Slug fest now, won by Sting who follows with some clotheslines. Stinger Splash misses, Jarrett tries the Stroke but has it reverses to the Death Drop for — well, Steiner took out the ref. Yes, a ref bump. That’s the antidote this match needed.
Jarrett tries clocking him with the title but he misses and Christian knocks him down, then slips the belt to Sting who nails Jarrett with it for two. Steiner nails Sting with a chair again. Christian attacks Steiner. Crowd is still dead. Big mess, and Christian ends up wacking JJ with the chair. So that gets him banned from the match. Same treatment for Steiner. Sting misses a dropkick and Jarrett locks in the Double J Deathlock. Sting gets out and locks in his own, but Jarrett gets the ropes again. Stinger Splash hits the ref, low blow by Jarrett, Stroke. If that ain’t a sequence you see every wankfest TNA PPV main event. Steiner is back out with the acoustic equalizer, but Christian comes back to attack Steiner.
Sting gets a sloppy backdrop suplex on Jarrett then tries coming off the top but Christian, shock of shocks, wacks him with the guitar in midair to turn heel and give Jarrett the cover to retain the title. We’ll subtract a star for that ridiculously awful heel turn, where Christian has already done numerous things in the match to ensue a WIN for Sting, then decided to turn on him. This was, exactly as expected, a complete overbooked piece of crap mess. By this I mean the formula that accompanies most matches of this nature, main event full of countless ref bumps and run-ins with various chairs leading to an eventual pinfall, with the crowd being dead knowing what a mess it is rather than it being an actual match to enjoy. The point in this one was of course the predictable heel turn (which even then the crowd didn’t care about), and of course Jarrett wouldn’t lose his bazillionth title this soon. (-**)
Winner: Jeff Jarrett
