**Next is a nice video montage of Captain America in WWII and fighting villains in recent years interspersed with footage of Kurt Angle in the Olympics and wrecking people in the WWE. Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA” provides the music bed.**
Beast: I’m always humbled when I see the old newsreels of Captain America in the war. The man doesn’t just exemplify the best of America, he represents the best of ALL of us.
King: I couldn’t have said it better, Doc. There are those who demand our respect and there are those to whom we give it freely because they’ve earned it. Captain America is one of those people.
JR: I’ve collected a ton of wonderful memories through out my career but meeting the man backstage before the show tonight has to be right near the top.
Fink: This bout is a special Superhero-Superstar Crossover Match, and is scheduled for one fall. Coming down the aisle, the team of your Olympic Hero, Kurt Angle, and the National Hero, Captain America!
King: Oh boy I can’t wait to see who they’re going to face tonight! They never told us who was going to be the oppo…
**Lawler is interrupted by the toll of a bell, as the arena falls dark save for an eerie blue light. Smoke seems to cling to the ground. The Undertaker enters the arena with a cloaked figure beside him.**
Fink: And their opponents, the man who is undefeated at Wrestlemania and a former World Champion, The Undertaker, and his tag team partner, the mutant master of mimicry, The Taskmaster!
Beast: Interesting. I can honestly say I never expected a known and wanted felon to show up here tonight.
King: Aren’t the X-Men under close government watch, Cookie Monster? Some people would say the same thing about you!
JR: I think you need to stop with the Cookie Monster stuff, King. Hank has helped save humankind as well as mutantkind from threats we never even knew about. Would it kill you to show him some respect?
King: Sigh. Well, J.R., when you’re right, you’re right. I apologize, and I won’t call you Cookie Monster again.
Beast: Thank you, King Lawler.
King: You’re welcome, GROVER! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
JR: Will you stop?!?
**The match is outstanding if slightly slower paced than the Nightcrawler and Mysterio bout. Kurt Angle got things started by suplexing Taskmaster several different ways. Taskmaster then suplexed Angle exactly the same way. Angle tagged out to Cap and Taskmaster turned it into a shootfight. Cap and Taskmaster threw stiff punches and kicks, countering and reversing with a flourish. Taskmaster finally feinted a high kick but poked Captain America in the eyes. He threw him into the heel corner where the Undertaker tagged in and took Cap off his feet with an armbar. The Undertaker perhaps slightly uncharacteristically worked a series of submission holds, trying to take Cap’s strength out of the equation. The referee spent a lot of the bout trying to prevent Kurt Angle from entering the ring illegally, which of course allowed Taskmaster to sneak in and take vicious shots at Cap. Eventually, Cap reversed a submission hold and made the hot tag to Angle. All four combatants brawl for a bit before Angle cinches the Ankle Lock on Taskmaster. The Undertaker tries to pull Angle off but Kurt reverses the attempt into an Angle Slam, flattening the Undertaker. Kurt covers for the pin and the win, but Taskmaster gets some wicked blows in after the bell. Captain America launches himself off the ropes and knocks Taskmaster out cold with his patented move, The Point Knee of Doom! He then raises Kurt’s hand in victory. Comic writer and novelist Peter David is shown in the front row smiling broadly and cheering the patriotic heroes.**
JR: What a tremendous victory for the good guys!
Beast: Indubitably, Jim Ross. Be glad Captain America doesn’t make his living by wrestling full time. The man doesn’t know how to lose, and he’d be the WWE champion for the rest of his long life.
JR: Compared to the likes of Kane and Edge, I don’t know that I’d object to that.
King: Are you out of your mind, J.R.? Nobody wants to see goody two shoes hold on to the title forever! What’s the fun in watching guys like Hulk Hogan winning week after week for years on end?
Beast: Good point. But against foes like the Red Skull and Dr. Doom, you had better hope a man like Captain America wins every time for years on end!
King: Well, you got me there, Grover.
Fink: The following contest is the Yancy Street Handicap Fight. The rules are simple, there are no rules! No count-outs, no disqualifications. Making their way to the ring, representing the WWE, the team of…
Estrada: No, no Howard Finkel! Allow me. In case you don’t know who I am, my name is ARMANDOOOO ALEJANDROOOO ESSSSSSTRADA! HA-HA! And this team is going to be the WINNING team! First, the World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry! Next, the Love Machine, Viscera! And finally, my Samoan Bulldozer, Umaga! Now, Howard Finkel, call out the LOSING team!
Fink: Very well, Mr. Estrada, now making his way to the ring, the only man on his team, the heart of the Fantastic Four and the pride of Yancy Street, Benjamin J. Grimm–The Thing!
**This match is short and sweet, with the Thing stopping outside the ring. The large wrestlers inside taunt him and dare him to get into the ring. Ben smiles a rocky smirk and grabs the edge or the ring. He then tilts the whole ring towards himself, sending about a half ton of wresters flying out the ring and to the floor with loud thuds. Ben flops backward, laying heavy stone elbow drops across Viscera and Mark Henry, knocking the wind out of them. Umaga tries to nail Ben in the throat with the Samoan Spike, but driving a fleshy thumb hard into a solid rock neck isn’t the brightest move in the world. Umaga whimpers and holds his broken thumb, looking remorseful at his manager, Estrada. Ben taps him on the shoulder, and Umaga turns around sheepishly. Ben wags a finger at him and motions for Umaga to turn back around. Once he does, Grimm yanks Umaga’s trunks up high, lifting Umaga a good 6 feet off the ground with the Ultimate Wedgie. He then tosses him slightly into the air, letting Umaga crash down hard but relatively safely on top of his partners. He covers the whole pile with a rocky foot, and mimics the ref’s three count with his three orange fingers. He flexes and poses a little to the crowd’s chants of “Yancy Street! Yancy Street!”**
Beast: I dare say, my friends, and Jerry Lawler, that there was no other way for that contest to end. But despite the inevitable outcome, it was a lot of fun.
King: I can tell you Armando Alejandro Estrada doesn’t share your opinion, Grover.
JR: Then perhaps Umaga’s manager and yourself need to see a doctor about getting your funny bone set, because I thought Ben Grimm handled himself in true Yancy Street fashion, and better yet had the decency not to destroy the ring in the process. And speaking of doctors, perhaps the one sitting to my left would be willing to fix that broken funny bone of yours?
Beast: You have but to ask and my services are at your disposal. And you make a good point, friend Ross, about Benjamin’s courtesy. I’ve seen the ring collapse under the weight of your own Superstars, the Big Show for example, and I can tell you with certainty that while Big Show might be taller than the Fantastic Four strongman, he’s giving up several hundred pounds to the apple of his Sweet Aunt Petunia’s eye.
Fink: Ladies and gentleman, the following contest is the JBL Open Invitational Match. Making his way to the ring, the Self Made Man, JBL!
JBL: Thank you Howard. I want you folks to get a good look at me. I am your hometown hero. I am your favorite son! (BOOOOOO!) You know I only allow myself the very finest life can offer: fine rides like my personal limousine, $100 steaks and $1000 wine. And in the ring, I only ever face the finest opponents. But now there’s no one left to fight. I’ve beaten the best the WWE has to offer because I AM A WRESTLING GOD! Is there anyone here, WWE Superstar or Superhero, who will come to this ring right now and accept my open invitation? Anyone at all? Come on now, surely someone in the back has the intestinal fortitude to meet a wrestling god in battle?
**The camera cuts to the back and focuses on the door that Gail Simone was stationed at earlier. The door opens and a parade of gorgeous women pours through followed by the Lion of Olympus himself, Hercules. Hercules looks more than a little inebriated and yet marches purposefully to the ring. When he appears through the curtain, he flings his arm wide and bellows, WHAT HO? THOU ART A WRESTLING GOD? THE LION OF OLYMPUS HATH BESTED THE ERYMANTHIAN BOAR AND THE CRETAN BULL! VERILY THE PRINCE OF POWER INVENTED WRESTLING! BUT SPORT IS SPORT! HAVE AT THEE!Hercules chugs to the ring like a hell-bent locomotive, but JBL hightails it out of the ring and tries to sprint away. He gets almost to he top of the ramp but Triple H and Shawn Michaels pop out of the curtain. Shawn smirks and shakes his head. Triple H is holding a sledgehammer, which he balances on the floor beside him long enough to join Michaels in a crotch chop. DX’s pyro goes off and the crowd yells, “Suck it!” Trips picks up the hammer and starts towards JBL, who pleads to pass but starts backtracking towards the ring. Once he’s close to the ring, Hercules reaches over the ropes and yanks JBL back inside. Hercules spends five minutes standing like grinning statue while JBL tries to move him. He goes for a bodyslam, but can’t lift him. He attempts a suplex, but can’t lift him. He tries his finisher, the Clothesline From Hell, but Hercules doesn’t budge. JBL tries it again and Hercules catches him with a powerslam so quick that JBL looses a boot. He spends the next six minutes working JBL over before granting him mercy in the form of a Herculean F-5 variation. DX enters the ring to celebrate the win. Hercules laughs with Triple H, calling him the “Thunderer In Training.”**
Beast: Triple H does cut an imposing figure. I think he would make a fine Thor. But then there’s no replacing the real thing. Heaven knows they’ve tried before.
King: Poor JBL, you should know you don’t go around calling yourself a god of any kind when a real one is in the building!
JR: We’ve got two matches left on this tremendous card, and I just hope I don’t lose my voice before we’re through. Up next, the first of our two main events!
Fink: The following is the first of two main events this evening. On his way to the ring, he’s a former Heavyweight Champion and one of the all time greats, Bonesaw McGraw!
King: Holy Mistaken Identity, Beastman! I never realized how much he looks like the Macho Man Randy Savage!
Beast: Now that you mention it, Jerry, the resemblance is indeed — dare I say it? — uncanny! But it looks like he’s getting on the microphone, let’s listen in.
Bonesaw: Oooh yeah! They said it couldn’t happen again, they said it was a once in a lifetime chance, yeah! But today is the day the past comes full circle in the square circle, oh yeah! No powers tonight, just me, BONESAW MCGRAW versus the wall crawling menace PETER PARKER! DIG IT! Get out here and take it like a man! And I’ll squash ya like the bug you are, Parker! OOOOH YEAH!
Fink: And now the opponent, from New York City, the first Superhero to publicly unmask for the Super-Human Registration Act, Peter Parker, The Sensational Spider-Man!
**As the speakers blare “Spider-man! Spider-man! Does whatever a spider can!” Spidey zips down on a webline from the ceiling, dressed in his old wrestling attire, but without the mask. The crowd is split as Peter heads towards the ring. Chants of “You Sold Out!” echo through Madison Square Garden. Peter ignores the crowd and solemnly studies his opponent. As soon as the bell rings, Bonesaw is on him. He connects with a stiff axe handle, followed up with a clothesline when Spidey regains his feet. The match is a squash for a full ten minutes. Bodyslams, suplexes, dropkicks, and stiff jabs battered Peter and Ol’ Webhead never fights back. Finally, Peter ducks a clothesline attempt and lays into Bonesaw with a dizzying flurry of punches and kicks, much too fast to be normal. The referee rings the bell and The Fink declares Bonesaw McGraw the winner by disqualification. Spider-Man seems completely disinterested and doesn’t show any concern over his performance. Bonesaw is PISSED. He didn’t want to win by DQ, he wanted to pulverize the Spider and pin him, 1-2-3. He grabs a chair from ringside and chases Spider-Man who was walking slowly up the ramp to the backstage area. The chair crashes into Peter’s skull with an echoing CRACK! Bonesaw wraps an electrical cord around Peters neck and tries to choke him out. The timekeeper is beating the ring bell to death, trying to signal for help from the back. None comes. Finally, Mary Jane is seen climbing over the wall around the ring area and makes a beeline for her husband. She pleads with Bonesaw to let him go. Bonesaw does, but grabs Mary Jane. He pulls back on her hair while holding her near arm around her back in a hammerlock. But before he can do anything else, four women bound over the wall and head for the melee. It’s Gail Simone with her Birds of Prey! Black Canary, The Huntress and Lady Blackhawk run Bonesaw off, although he postures with machismo as he backs off. Mary Jane checks on Peter who abruptly stands up like it was no big deal. He heads up the ramp and as he parts the curtain, Tony Stark can be seen, rubbing his neck but smiling at Spidey. Peter’s shoulders slump and his head sags as the curtain obscures the view backstage. The Birds of Prey help Mary Jane to the back and then enjoy the polite applause of an uncertain crowd. They don’t really recognize these heroes, but Hell, they’re hot!**
Beast: I am embarrassed and quite furious with what I’ve just witnessed.
King: Come on, Beast, you can say it, Parker took a dive!
JR: I’m not sure what to think, King. He certainly didn’t offer much offense, except for the part where he got disqualified, but if he was taking the dive wouldn’t he have just laid down for Bonesaw and skip that beating?
King: I don’t think he COULD skip that beating! That Bonesaw McGraw is one macho man, I’ll tell you that!
Beast: I cannot believe that Peter could do something like this. I know the lad. He believes that with great power comes great responsibility and that motto enters into every facet of his life. He doesn’t do ANYTHING half way. Whatever Stark is holding over him, I hope Peter can find a way to reclaim his dignity. A man without pride is a man without hope.
JR: Very well said, Doctor. Let’s go now to the back where Aubrey Sitterson has his friend Gail Simone and her friends standing by.
King: I hope those are the new Divas! Did you see the legs on the one in the blue miniskirt? Ha-ha!
Aubrey: Thanks guys! Gail, what is all this about!
Gail: It’s about doing the right thing. I couldn’t stand idly by and let Spider-man’s wife be accosted by a Neanderthal like Bonesaw McGraw. The Birds of Prey stopped by to pick me up and give me a ride back to the DC offices, but wanted to catch a little of the show. Huntress was disgusted with Parker’s turtle act, but Black Canary wouldn’t let any harm come to Mary Jane, and Lady Blackhawk, she just likes a good scrap.
Zinda: Damn right! That hairy ape McGraw is lucky Shiva stayed at the hotel!
Aubrey: And there you have it, J.R., back to you.
JR: It’s time for our last match of the evening, the Main Event! And what a colossal finish this should be. Let’s go to the ring for the introductions.
Fink: Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for the main event of the evening, and it is a Steel Cage Match. Introducing first, from the X-men, he’s the best there is at what he does, from Canada, Wolverine! Logan walks to the ring with a cigar protruding out of the side of his mouth, and he’s wearing a muscle shirt and loose jeans. And his opponent, also from Canada and a former World Champion, The Wolverine, Chris Benoit! Benoit enters the arena to a monstrous pop, proving again that being a great wrestler is every bit as acceptable to the fans as being a good interview. Vince McMahon is probably in the back cussing up a storm and sticking his fingers in his ears to drown out the Wolverine chants, mostly aimed at the wrestling version though a few are shouting for their favorite mutant. Benoit is wearing his regular ring gear.
**This bout is a brutal contest of two tough Canadians. Logan can’t use his claws in this match, but he can’t help that his bones are laced with Adamantium, making punches to the face potentially bone breaking for the puncher and his body unusually heavy for its size. But Benoit is resourceful. He manages to throw his bruising knife edge chops–though the don’t bruise much with Logan’s healing factor on autopilot. It becomes a briskly paced match, with lots of reversals. Benoit tries to use the cage to his advantage as much as he can, busting open Wolverine several times but not getting much blood as the wounds heal up so fast. Wolverine’s offense is comparatively raw, but also incorporates some of his martial arts training such as Judo throws and takedowns. Benoit, at about the 15 minute mark, finally musters up the strength to perform his patented Triple German Suplex combo. He then climbs all the way to the top of the cage, thinks about climbing down, but instead leaps back into the ring for the Diving Headbutt. He connects with it but is stunned from the impact with Logan’s body. Logan then climbs up the cage and waits like a predator in ambush for Benoit to regain his feet. When he finally does, Logan dives off the cage and sticks his arm out for a Flying Clothesline. Benoit sidesteps it but catches the arm and drives Logan even harder into the mat. He the reaches around the X-Man’s head and locks in the Crippler Crossface. Wolverine fights it and eventually claws — not THOSE claws, I mean to crawl by digging into the ground with one’s fingertips and pulling one’s self along with one’s hands — his way to the door of the cage. The referee, as they do in these matches, opens the door. Benoit tries to pull Logan back but the mutant is stronger. He drags them both out of the door and they tumble down the ringside steps to the floor. The referee could not tell who hit the ground first, so he declared the match a draw. Logan seems pleased to have worked a solid match without hurting Benoit badly and the Canadian Crippler is completely spent and probably suffering from a neck stinger. But the referee raises both men’s hands high in the air and Benoit and Logan shake hands as red and white confetti –the colors of the Canadian flag — falls over them from the rafters above the ring.**
JR: A brilliant match and though there was no single winner I think it was an appropriate ending for a night of action that featured everything you could ask for, King.
King: I think OUR Wolverine got robbed by that runt from the Yukon! It was clear to me that Chris Benoit touched the ground first! But I’m sure Grover would call it in favor of his X-Men teammate.
Beast: I would call it, all things considered, an ultimate night of action. And if we ever do this again, I look forward to seeing you in the ring, Jerry Lawler. Perhaps against my friend Simon “The Wonder Man” Williams or perhaps Luke Cage, in a cage?
JR: I’d pay to see that!
King: Keep dreaming!
JR: For all of the WWE Superstars and all of the Superheroes who keep us safe every day, and especially for those who continue to brave the tragedy in Stamford, good night, from Madison Square Garden!
…beep…Beep…Beep…BEEP…BEEP…B-SLAP! (YAWN!) Man, that was a weird-ass dream. What the Hell did I eat last night? Aw, nuts, I’m already late for work, and I still gotta get my column posted…CRIPES!
Welcome to my nightmare.
