Add Homonym Attacks! #28
Ad Hominem: Appealing to personal considerations rather than to logic or reason.
Ad Hominem Attack: An argument that focuses on a personal attack as opposed to the subject in question.
Add Homonym Attacks!: The process by which one inserts a homophone and it bites you.
(It also serves as the title to Inside Pulse’s representative column in the world of Critical Thinking, Science and Skepticism.)
Introduction (Guzzizah, it’s a street Aloha!)
Last time, we did a bit of a quiz. This time: we give the answers with a little bit of commentary. I’m on the road, so if the new material seems a little slim, it just might be.
From last issue, our Rules:
The rules are simple. I have a selection of quotes, and you the reader must decide from which source they where taken. To make it easier on you, there are only a few sources: The Old Testament, The New Testament, The Koran, my hoax Necronomicon (redundant), Ayatollah Khomeini, Adolf Hitler, and Jeffrey Dahmer. If you want to get all fancy, you can guess which book of what and so forth, but such precision is not requisite.
Now, for accuracy’s sake, I shall say that the term quote is used loosely here. Most of these things will not have been originally written or spoken in English. We will not attempt to deceive, and will try to follow the original intent of the author as best we can.
And to make it a little trickier, I am changing instances of the word LORD, God, Allah, etc. into Cthulhu.
All right. Let us to get on with it.
Where the hell it came from
1.)Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Cthulhu came into the world to save sinners… But for that very reason, I was shown mercy so that in me… Cthulhu might display His unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the king eternal, immortal, invisible, the only Cthulhu, be honor and glory forever and ever.
This quote came from cannibal killer Dahmer. Sweet isn’t it? He gave it in a court statement in Milwaukee 1992. Although if you said bible, you’d also be right as it is a version of 1 Timothy 1:15-17
2.)The only reward of those, who wage war against Cthulhu and HIS Messenger and strive to create disorder in the land, is that they be slain or crucified or their hands and feet be cut off on account of their enmity, or they be expelled from the land. That shall be a disgrace for them in this world, and in the Hereafter they shall have a great punishment.
This is from the Koran. 5:33. Peaceful ain’t it?
3.) Do not I hate them … and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee? I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies. Search me, O Cthulhu, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
This quote (of tolerance and love) is from the always cheerful book of Psalms.
4.)A man can have sex with animals such as sheep, cows, camels and so on. However he should kill the animal after he has his orgasm. He should not sell the meat to the people in his own village, however selling the meat to the next door village should be fine.
Though it sounds like a wacky book of Leviticus quote, this thing comes from the fourth volume of Tahrirolvasyleh by Ayatollah Khomeini.
5.)Know that our years are the years of War
And Our days are measured as battles
And every hour is a Life
Lost to the Outside
Those from Without
This shit is from the crappy Necronomicon I bought on Amazon
6.)And it shall come to pass, that every soul, which will not hear that prophet, shall be destroyed from among the people.
I tried to throw you off with the “prophet” thing, but this quote is from ACTS 3.
7.)[A]s some of them also tempted, and were destroyed of serpents.
Neither murmur ye, as some of them also murmured, and were destroyed of the destroyer.
Now all these things happened unto them for ensamples: and they are written for our admonition, upon whom the ends of the world are come.
I thought this sounded like some bad-ass Cthulhu shit. It is from 1 Corinthians 10.
8.)Who says I am not under the special protection of Cthulhu?
Hitler, god’s favorite son!.
9.)And unto Solomon (We gave) the wind, whereof the morning course was a month’s journey and the evening course a month’s journey, and We caused the fount of copper to gush forth for him, and (We gave him) certain of the jinn who worked before him by permission of his Lord. And such of them as deviated from Our command, them We caused to taste the punishment of flaming Fire.
This is a part of Surah. Yep. Chapter 34 verse 12 of the Koran contains genies.
10.)As for the head of those that compass me about, let the mischief of their own lips cover them. Let burning coals fall upon them: let them be cast into the fire; into deep pits, that they rise not up again.
This quote is another part of the crazy ass Psalms.
11.)Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.
This verse is a relatively infamous part of Psalms about the glory of killing children.
12.)Ask of me, and I shall give thee the heathen for thine inheritance, and the uttermost parts of the earth for thy possession.
Thou shalt break them with a rod of iron; thou shalt dash them in pieces like a potter’s vessel.
Psalms again.
13.)Warfare is ordained for you, though it is hateful unto you; but it may happen that ye hate a thing which is good for you, and it may happen that ye love a thing which is bad for you.
This is from The Cow portion of the Koran.
14.)And at evening let them return; and let them make a noise like a dog, and go round about the city. Let them wander up and down for meat, and grudge if they be not satisfied. But I will sing of thy power; yea, I will sing aloud of thy mercy in the morning: for thou hast been my defence and refuge in the day of my trouble. Unto thee, O my strength, will I sing
Psalms. 59, this time
15.)And the shapes of the locusts were like unto horses prepared unto battle; and on their heads were as it were crowns like gold, and their faces were as the faces of men. And they had hair as the hair of women, and their teeth were as the teeth of lions. And they had breastplates, as it were breastplates of iron; and the sound of their wings was as the sound of chariots of many horses running to battle. And they had tails like unto scorpions, and there were stings in their tails: and their power was to hurt men five months.
This quote is from Revelation 9. The book of Revelation reads like a goofy-ass fever dream, yet a surprising number of people I talk to feel that the events of said book are currently happening (another reason I don’t like leaving my apartment).
16.)He shall judge among the heathen, he shall fill the places with the dead bodies; he shall wound the heads over many countries.
Psalms, once a’f*cking’gain.
17.)[a]n offering made by fire unto Cthulhu; the fat thereof, and the whole rump, it shall he take off hard by the backbone; and the fat that covereth the inwards, and all the fat that is upon the inwards, And the two kidneys, and the fat that is upon them, which is by the flanks, and the caul above the liver, with the kidneys, it shall he take away. And the priest shall burn it upon the altar: it is the food of the offering made by fire unto Cthulhu. 3:12 And if his offering be a goat, then he shall offer it before Cthulhu. 3:13 And he shall lay his hand upon the head of it, and kill it before the tabernacle of the congregation: and the sons of Aaron shall sprinkle the blood thereof upon the altar round about. 3:14 And he shall offer thereof his offering, even an offering made by fire unto Cthulhu; the fat that covereth the inwards, and all the fat that is upon the inwards, 3:15 And the two kidneys, and the fat that is upon them, which is by the flanks, and the caul above the liver, with the kidneys, it shall he take away. 3:16 And the priest shall burn them upon the altar: it is the food of the offering made by fire for a sweet savour: all the fat is Cthulhu’s.
I forgot to take the numbers off of this one. Shit. Anyways, this handy dandy guide to sacrifice is from Leviticus. I would offer you chapter and verse, but…
18.)And he that smiteth his father, or his mother, shall be surely put to death.
And he that stealeth a man, and selleth him, or if he be found in his hand, he shall surely be put to death. And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death. And if men strive together, and one smite another with a stone, or with his fist, and he die not, but keepeth his bed: If he rise again, And if a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and he die under his hand; he shall be surely punished. Notwithstanding, if he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money. If men strive, and hurt a woman with child, so that her fruit depart from her, and yet no mischief follow: he shall be surely punished, according as the woman’s husband will lay upon him; and he shall pay as the judges determine
This bit of making the punishment fit the crime comes from Exodus, a book which according to many of the nation’s lawmakers is the basis of the US legal system.
19.) Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.
This verse come from 1Samuel 15. God really hates Amalek.
20.) Then [SHE] took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.
The “she” in question is Zipporah, and this impromptu circumcision occurs in Exodus.
21.)When an opponent declares, “I will not come over to your side,” I calmly say, “Your child belongs to us already… What are you? You will pass on. Your descendants, however, now stand in the new camp. In a short time they will know nothing else but this new community.”
Hitler, once again. Sure he is super-evil, but in the context of this column his words don’t really jump out as the most hateful.
22.) Day of Living, Rising Sun
Day of Plenty, gracious Sun
Day of Perfect, Grand Delight
Day of Fortune, Brilliant Night
O Shining Day!
O Laughing Day!
This bit of awful Goth poetry comes from the hoax Necronomicon.
23.)Behold, thou art but a dead man, for the woman which thou hast taken; for she is a man’s wife.
I thought that this was some badass shit to say before popping a cap in some mother-f*cker’s ass. It is from the book of Genesis.
24.)And when he hath made her to drink the water, then it shall come to pass, that, if she be defiled, and have done trespass against her husband, that the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot.
This sample of bodyhorror comes from the book of Numbers.
25.)Shall I tell thee of a worse (case) than theirs for retribution with Cthulhu? (Worse is the case of him) whom Cthulhu hath cursed, him on whom His wrath hath fallen and of whose sort Cthulhu hath turned some to apes and swine, and who serveth idols. Such are in worse plight and further astray from the plain road
This island of Dr. Moreau shit is from the Koran, the Table Spread.
Outro
All right, so we got our answers. But one last thing before we go.
I took my daughter to the doctor’s office recently. The waiting room is full of books, which is good. The books are mostly these really creepy Christian books, which is ungood. I read a couple to keep my eager 3-year-old busy, but found myself selectively editing out some of the “God”s and “Lord”s and nonsense about heaven. Eventually I could read very little. But thankfully it wasn’t long before my daughter found a bunch of the “touch and feel” books. Stroking Kitty’s soft fur was more rewarding and relaxing then reading about going to hell.
It got me thinking: Is there a touch and feel bible? I’d rather like one of those.
If anybody has one or has a great idea for one, please e-mail me.
Special thanks once again to The Skeptics Annotated Bible and Quran (found at http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com) and Nobeliefs.com which were valuable resources in tracking down some of these quotes.
