The Chrononaut Chronicles: TNA iMPACT! — Thursday, August 24, 2006
– We open outside the Impact Zone where Jeremy Borash is with Brother Runt, who claims that Abyss screwed up by letting him live to fight another day and challenges the Monster to a 10,000 Thumbtacks match next week. Runt bangs his head against a nearby trailer truck and runs off as the camera pans up to show Raven sitting on top of the trailer with a mischievous grin on his face.
– A video package recaps the Sting/Jarrett angle from last week before we go to the usual Impact opening.
– Shane Douglas is in the ring to brag about how he told everybody he’d take the Naturals back to the top and now they have earned a title shot with Chase Stevens’ win last week. The Franchise asks the crowd if they think it’s time for the newly-Franchised Naturals to reclaim the “TNA Tag Team Title” and gets a lukewarm response, but apparently that was good enough for Shane as he promises the fans they’ll get what they want and introduces his team.
– The Naturals vs. The Paparazzi (Alex Shelley & Johnny Devine)
The TNA Production Team evidently don’t realize that “Paparazzi” is already plural as they continue to add an “s” at the end and Tenay also refers to them as the “Paparazzis”. Never fear though, dear readers, I refuse to bow to their poor grammar skills. The Paparazzi sustain an early flurry and toss the Naturals over the top rope, but Andy & Chase skin the cat back in and clear the ring as we go to break.
When we come back, the Paparazzi have isolated Andy Douglas and control him until Devine misses a moonsault off the top and Andy makes the hot tag to Stevens, who cleans house and lifts Johnny in a powerbomb as the Naturals try to hit their new double-team finisher. However, Shelley knocks Andy off the top turnbuckle and dropkicks Chase’s knee, causing Devine to crash down on top of Stevens and hook his legs for the three-count. Afterwards, the Franchise comes out and lays the badmouth on the Naturals, warning them that they don’t deserve a title shot and that they will be starting back at the bottom again.
– Borash interviews AMW & Gail Kim and notes that the magic seems to be gone. Chris Harris responds that they are as close as brothers, but brothers don’t always get along and tells James Storm that if he wants to end their partnership, he should say it to his face. The Wildcat extends the hand of friendship, but the Cowboy turns his back and steps away… only to return with two bottles of beer, handing one to Harris. They pop them open and clink them together to signify that they are back on the same page. OR ARE THEY?
– We relive Christian’s heel turn at Hard Justice and his comments from last week before we see a chair in the middle of the ring as Christian makes his way out and calls Sting a liar because he promised to become NWA World Champion. Cage brings religion into it as he has a message for everyone, including the fans who repeat his catchphrases and buy his merchandise because they wish they could be like him: “I am God.” Great line.
Rhino roars out and demands an answer to why Cage turned on Sting, but Christian mentions that when Rhino broke his neck, it wasn’t Sting that was there for him, it was Christian. Christian says it wasn’t Sting who called every week during his injury rehab, it was him. Christian brings up Rhino’s wife calling during an overseas tour to tell him she wanted a divorce and that she was taking their daughter away from him, and points out it wasn’t Sting who hugged him and told him everything would be alright… it was Christian. Cage scolds Rhino for taking Sting’s side despite all that and gives Rhino the chair before turning his back and offering a free shot if the War Machine wanted to flush 10-plus years of friendship down the drain. Rhino thinks about it as Christian taunts him by wondering if Rhino is just mad because Cage lives in a bigger house, drives a nicer car, and became a bigger star, adding that despite that, he still loved Rhino. Rhino turns Christian around and throws down the chair as Cage realizes that he’s the only one around with a set of balls. OOOOHHH.
However, Rhino replies that he doesn’t need a chair to kick Cage’s ass and punches away at him. Rhino charges with the Gore, but Christian throws the chair in his face and busts him open. Christian waffles him with the chair again and retrieves another chair, yelling in Rhino’s bloody face as the fans chant “We want Sting”. Christian then lays Rhino’s head on one chair and smashes him with the other, creating a one-man Conchairto. Cage stands over Rhino triumphantly as we go to commercial. Damn, that was a hot segment. Great promo, great attack, great blood.
– A video package recaps the Earl Hebner saga, from his firing by Jim Cornette to his recent assaults on Slick Johnson, and features clips of Earl sleeping in a dumpster.
– Borash then interviews Larry Zbysko, who claims that he has no control over Hebner because he doesn’t work for TNA, blaming high gas prices for Earl losing his mind. When JB asks about Larry’s involvement in the Slammiversary controversy, Larry denies the charges yet again and notes that Jarrett has volunteered to do a polygraph test. Zbysko suggests that Slick should be fired and Eric Young suddenly pops up out of nowhere because he heard them talking about somebody being fired. Larry mentions that Eric has a match next week and if it were up to him, he’d fire Showtime on the spot. Larry leaves as Eric hilariously refers to Larry’s hair as “majestic” and wonders if Larry is mad at him.
– We see quick clips of Christian’s attack on Rhino earlier.
– Abyss vs. Cassidy Riley
James Mitchell is on commentary and notes that listening to Don West is as pleasurable as “bobbing for apples in a colostomy bag”, which is funny, true, and absolutely disgusting all at the same time. Mitchell believes that Raven is poisoning Runt’s mind and pours a bag of thumbtacks on the announce table to hype the 10,000 Thumbtacks challenge next week while Abyss squashes Cassidy with the Black Hole Slam in short order. Afterwards, Mitchell brings the bag into the ring and Abyss empties the rest of the thumbtacks on the mat before pounding his fist into them to show his high tolerance for pain as his hand is punctured all over with tacks sticking in his skin. I hope those were sterilized.
– A Bound For Glory graphic appears on the screen announcing that on October 22, “A Starr is born”. I guess TNA must have pretty big plans for the former Mr. Aries to be hyping his debut already, at the biggest event of the year no less.
– A tremendous video feature airs after the break with Sting accepting Jarrett’s “Career vs. Title” stipulation for Bound For Glory. The Stinger predicts that by October 22, he will have “trainloads” of anger built up to unleash on Jarrett and announces that he’ll be going away for a little while to prepare, but we can’t comprehend where he’ll be going. Sting signs the contract on-camera and says there’s only one name missing now.
– Live in the Impact Zone, Tenay has the signed contract at the announce table and shows it to the camera as Jeff Jarrett comes out to have a look. The NWA World Champion says all he needs to do to execute the deal is to sign the contract, but he takes it with him and promises a “public execution” next week. Tenay wonders why Jarrett didn’t just sign the contract. Um yeah, without reading it? I guess nobody ever said Tenay was an attorney.
– A great video package recaps the LAX/Phenomenal Angels rivalry, including clips of Daniels & Styles getting stitched up, to build up the “Border Brawl” main event.
– NWA World Tag Team Title – Border Brawl: Latin American eXchange vs. AJ Styles & Christopher Daniels [champions]
As usual, Moody Jack Melendez performs LAX’s ring intro in Spanish. The Phenomenal Angels are in street clothes, with Styles wearing jeans and an AJ t-shirt while Daniels is wearing dress slacks and shirt. Interesting gear for a Border Brawl. The NWA Tag Team Champions run out and take it right to LAX, as the match quickly spills out to the floor. AJ jars Homicide with an inverted atomic drop on the ramp while Daniels chokes Hernandez with his own chain at ringside and leaps off the set behind the announce table, diving over West & Tenay and flattening Hernandez. Nice spot. The Fallen Angel drives a chair into Hernandez’s midsection as we go to break.
When we come back, Styles nails Homicide with an enzuigiri at ringside while Daniels hits Hernandez with a heelkick in the ring for a two-count. Homicide claws at the bandage on AJ’s forehead, opening him up again as Hernandez crunches Daniels with the Trainwreck backbreaker for two. LAX are in control as Homicide rams AJ head-first against the guardrail and Hernandez scores another two on Daniels after punching him down. Daniels reverses an Irish-whip from Homicide and drops him in a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, then ducks a chairshot from Hernandez and uses the chair himself. Daniels springboards off the chair, but Hernandez catches him and drops him face-first on the chair, busting open his bandaged forehead. Styles tries to get in, but Homicide snaps his neck over the top rope and AJ falls back to the floor while Hernandez retrieves a table.
Hernandez sets up the table and the fans chant “Table”, which West misinterprets as support for the champs. Styles makes it into the ring and Homicide throws a chair in his face, but AJ fights back and unloads on LAX before knocking Hernandez over the top rope with a Pele. Homicide slams Styles with a t-bone suplex, but Daniels immediately levels the Notorious 187 with the STO. Styles somersaults over the top onto Hernandez at ringside as Daniels and Homicide struggle on the top turnbuckle until Konnan climbs on the apron and slapjacks the Fallen Angel. Homicide plants Daniels with the Cutter off the top through the table and covers him for the uno-dos-tres to win the NWA World Tag Team Championship. Afterwards, LAX celebrate with the gold.
– The show closes with hype for next week’s 10,000 Thumbtacks match between Runt and Abyss.
Afterthoughts: Another really good show this week as TNA is loading up Impact to take advantage of their Ultimate Fighter 4 lead-in. LAX winning the belts is great and it was a heated brawl with a great finish as the Cutter through the table looked perfect. It’s redundant to say anymore, but LAX is probably TNA’s hottest act and this tag feud has been awesome. Christian’s promo with Rhino also reeked of awesomeness and the bladejob by Rhino was pretty nasty. I’m actually alright now with Sting continuing to focus on Jarrett, rather than moving on to Christian right away, because Sting’s goal is still to rid TNA of JJ and it wouldn’t make sense to get sidetracked with Christian. Besides, Christian/Rhino seems like a hot feud with plenty of history to draw from, and should produce some really good matches. I assume the plan will be Sting winning the NWA Title from Jarrett at BFG, then moving on to feud with Christian and drop the belt to him at some point. Then in 2007, we get a prolonged Christian/Joe feud over the belt with Joe eventually going over. At least I hope so. Of course, as many have noted, if Goldberg signs with TNA we’ll probably just get another year of Jarrett/Sting with Goldberg filling Sting’s role. That would be awful. Let’s just hope TNA is smarter than that. Anyway, thanks for reading and I’ll see you in the future.
