Tommy P’s Raw Coverage 8/28/06

God damn do I hate the new spinner belt. It is quite possibly the worst gimmick belt of all time. Not only is it gaudier then John Cena’s old belt, but man, it is ugly. It’s the type of thing you’d expect a superhero from the 25th century to be wearing as he takes down deadly radioactive giant bees. Speaking of which, Raw is on Sci-Fi tonight. I’m Tom Pandich, and if you’re not down with that I got two words for you. THAT’S MEAN!

Anywho, keep it here tonight to hear my rabid ravings against the new spinner belt while shouting and frothing at the mouth aboot whatever else is going on during Raw tonight. Live recaps with the opinions you know and trust. I’m like the O’Reilly Factor with less dizziness induced from all the spinning. Wow, rant much?

Here’s a recap of what happened last week. DX vandalized Vince’s plane. DX vandalized Titan Towers. DX destroyed Vince’s limo. The music sounds like it’s from Darkman 4: There Goes the Neighborhood. Ah racism. Someone is in a mood tonight. Vince goes insane!

No fireworks. Instead”¦. here comes da money! Shane comes out alone and there is no dancing. We’re live from Atlantic City, New Jersey (Las Vegas with an East Coast Bias and dirty strippers). DX has hit a new low according to Shane after running through what they’ve done. Shane and Vince’s lives were endangered by them. They did more then rip out the back of his limo. They ripped out a part of Vince’s heart. Awwwwww. He spent his 61st birthday looking up at his ceiling saying DX, DX, DX. Poor Vince is pulling a Ronald Reagan on us.

Shane is in charge tonight drawing massive boos. He suggested Vince stay home this week. Anywho, it’ll be DX in tag team action tonight against”¦. well that’s on a need to know basis and we don’t need to know. We’re also going to find out what’s in store for them at Vengeance tonight. Shane says they’re on their way to hell. Speaking of which, here comes a vision of hell as Edge comes out with that ugly belt and that ugly tramp.

Edge shows getting tossed into the bay, and he is pissed. He wants Cena to be fired. Cena’s music hits and”¦ he doesn’t come out. Oh wait, there he is. I just couldn’t see him! LOL! Anywho, John Cena called Edge Skeletor and talks about hitting the breaks or something. I don’t speak jive. Cena makes the point that if Cena gets kicked out, Edge’s happy ending doesn’t work. His ending is he ends up in the bay. Cena says that the happy ending that Lita gave him doesn’t count. Cena thinks Shane looks tense and asks if he has ten dollars to de-stress.

Anyways, John Cena has a proposition for Edge. He’s got a contract. One more match for the title. If Cena loses, he’ll go to Smackdown. JR says “Spin the wheel, make the deal” which makes no sense, but it’s a Halloween Havoc reference so I don’t care! Edge accepts on two conditions. 1. He picks the place. 2. He picks the match. Cena agrees and it’s on”¦ not tonight. Shane says Cena needs to learn some respect and there’s a match right now. Cena has to take on”¦”¦.. Chris Masters! Oh man, Masters looks awful.

Chris Masters vs John Cena: *insert your own roid joke*

We join the match in progress and Cena is dominating. Snap suplex by Cena leaves Masters down. Masters gets tossed into a corner but gets a foot up. The boot connects and Masters takes over with some stomping. Cena fights him off but gets caught in a powerslam for two. Masters slaps on a Camel Clutch which Cena powers out of. Masters is literally half the size he used to be. Cena is up, and he dodges Masters’ clothesline. Two shoulderblocks, throwback, five knuckle shuffle. Cena picks him up for the FU which Masters counters with a reverse DDT. Masters is looking for the Masterlock, but gets hooked in the STFU. He’s about to tap as Edge comes in and rattles Cena with a chair.

Winner by DQ: John Cena

Edge looks under the ring and pulls out a ladder. He rams Cena with it. Edge is about to leave, but he stops and pulls out a table. He sets it up in the corner and tosses Cena through it. Edge grabs a microphone and says that he decide where this match is going to be, his hometown Toronto, Canada at Unforgiven. The match will be one that Cena has never been in and that Edge has never lost. Tables, Ladders, Chairs. TLC Main Event for the title at Unforgiven.

As we come back from the break, we get a recap from “moments ago”. That always makes me feel whimsical like I should be dancing around playing a lute. We’ll find out who’s going to be the number one contender as Jeff Hardy takes on Randy Orton. Also, hoes will fight. In the back, the Heat heels (Cade/Murdock and Vis/Haas) want a chance to take on DX. Shane has a plan already though.

Vince gives Shane a call and its split screen time. Vince seems like he’s having a good time, but there’s a delivery. DX delivers some roosters to Vince’s room. Well, there you go.

Trish Stratus and Carlito are in the back. Carlito is walking with Trish and Carlito asks when were you going to tell me? Apparently Lita announced on WWE Alerts that Trish is retiring after Unforgiven. Carlito seems upset, but he wants to give Trish the proper good bye. They make out right before Carlito is attacked from behind by Randy Orton. Um, ok?

Last Monday night, Johnny Nitro was taking on Kane. Unfortunately for Kane, Umaga used his thumb to make Kane cough up blood capsules. Kane is gone forever it seems.

Back to School, Paddle on a Pole Match: Ugh

We needed another “”¦on a pole” match. Sadly, it’s between Torrie Wilson and Candice Michelle. Do I have to recap this one? Really”¦. Torrie and Candice both keep trying to climb the top rope. They do some shit and chop each other. Candice rips off her shirt, but gets powerbombed by Torrie into the corner. Rather then going for the paddle, Torrie Wilson takes off her skirt and stinkfaces Torrie. Candice bites her and wins the paddle.

Winner: Candice Michelle

Candice wants to be spanked. Obviously this makes sense. Candice then spanks Torrie and then spanks Torrie’s dog. If that doesn’t get you hot well”¦ nothing will.

This week in wrestling history, it was Bret Hart vs Davy Boy Smith for the IC title, the British Bulldog in arguably Davy’s best match ever. Bulldog pulled himself out of the Sharpshooter to the rope. Bret tried a sunset flip only to get pinned by the Bulldog causing all of England to explode in joy.

Randy Orton vs Jeff Hardy: #1 IC Contendership Match

As much as I’d like to be able to ignore Orton with the IC title on his back, I think I’d prefer a Nitro/Hardy feud. Hardy is still fat, but he’s only pulling a three on the stupid scale tonight. Orton starts out kneeing Hardy and punching him in the corner. Hardy gets tossed into the ropes only to counter with a diving neckbreaker. Hardy beats Orton down in the corner only to drop a springboard drop kick to him. Hardy dumps Orton and heads to the apron. Springboard Whispers in the Wind off the second rope connects and both men are down. Commercials.

We’re back and the tables have turned. Orton has Hardy down in a headlock. During the break, Orton hit a clothesline. Hardy fights up, dodges a clothesline, and has his foot caught. Hardy hits the comebacker with the kick and Orton rolls outside. Suicide dive hits”¦ except not. Orton countered it/Hardy missed. Orton is bouncing up and down. Orton bashes Hardy against the ring apron and gets rolled back in.

Hardy starts getting his stuff going as he drops Orton with a side suplex. Hardy hits a double leg drop on Orton’s baby maker. Hardy hits a drop kick off the second rope. Orton gets a thumb to the eye and hits his backbreaker. He tries for a powerbomb BUT YOU CAN’T POWERBOMB KIDMAN! Err. Wrong show. Hardy lands a nasty hurricanerana and runs into the corner. Orton is up and Hardy gets dropped by a drop kick. Orton tries for a clothesline but Hardy dodges. He hits his front running neckbreaker and goes up for the Swanton. Orton bails, but here comes Carlito.

Carlito rolls Orton back into the ring, and he gets choked out by Hardy a bit. The ref pulls Hardy off and Orton has apple spit in his face. Twist of Fate, Swanton Bomb! Over!

Winner: Jeff Hardy

New #1 Contender for the IC Title. Orton is pissed at Carlito.

In the back, Triple H and Shawn are shilling stuff. Shane comes to the back with cops and he wants them to stop. Triple H says that they had Vince’s best interests in mind. Who doesn’t get distressed choking the chicken? Shane calls them juvenile, and Triple H runs through Vince’s misdeeds including the “I Quit” match with Steph right before she married the man with the world’s biggest “Whoa there”. Not down with that, suck it. Ect, ect.

John Cena is a “kick ass machine” in The Marine. Does this movie look horrid? Sure does. Poor WWE. The movie is going to kick our asses, Friday the 13th in October.

Meanwhile, the Highlanders are on commentary. This can only mean bad things.

The Spirit Squad vs “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan and Eugene: World Tag Title Match

I’m sorry kids. Eugene/Hacksaw matches don’t get recapped, nor does anything with the Highlanders. The Highlanders want to fight. I blackout as Eugene does his Junkyard Dog head butts. The Highlanders fight with the Spirit Squad and the ref ejects all non-competing members. The Highlanders get ejected too. Wacky. Mikey and Kenny are involved in the match. Oh wait, Mitch is still here. Ok, sorry kids. I’m going to get a catnap right now. I’ve got to go buy gas tonight before the weak hurricane hits. Oh, it’s hitting Wednesday, not tomorrow? Well I’m no weatherman, but living in Florida is reason enough to constantly live in fear. Oh look. Spirit Squad wins by roll up after running into an exposed corner.

Winners: Spirit Squad

Look, it’s Umaga. JR is full of culture tonight as he says we’re about to see a Katrina like disaster. Next he’s going to talk about how Umaga is going to rape Eugene like JonBenet Ramsey got raped. Nitro/Melina press conference is next.

Last week on Raw, Mick Foley kissed Vince’s ass. Then he got fired. Then Melina betrayed him. Now Melina explains why. Nitro is styling with a rather nice suit. Melina is going to give a comment. Nitro puts himself over as a great guy and a winner. Nitro does look rather chiseled. He gets freaky with Melina, but he cuddles with the IC title. Meh promo ends with a make out section. When the hell is this going to get interrupted? Mick Foley is a quitter and an ass kisser. Melina knows better that Mick Foley doesn’t want to be Melina’s friend. A boring chant gets going as Melina flubs every line she has.

“For the record, I would like to make this statement. I never let Mick Foley touch me.” Yeah right. Okay. Foley drives a mini van. JR says the line of the night telling us this is a two hour show. Flair must be dead in the back for this shit to be going on so long. Nitro thanks everyone and says there’s no further questions.

Kurt Angle is released and it’s addressed by JR. I give it two months before he ends up on TNA. Lita/Mickie James is next.

WWE “Slam of the Week”: Lita wins the Women’s Championship. On WWE.com, Lita leaked that Trish is going to leave the WWE.

Lita vs Mickie James: Women’s Title Match

Mickie is pissed. Hm, the WWE magazine reviews in Hillbilly Jims rather then stars with potency of the liquor in relation to the rating. JR makes a Lindsey Lohan joke. Seriously, stop. Mickie and Lita fight. Lita dominates until Mickie hits an enziguri for two. Mickie hits a drop kick, a few rights, and a monkey flip. Northern Lights suplex for two by Mickie. Lita goes outsider and gets the title belt. Lita grabs the belt only to get rolled up for two. Lita eventually retains as she rolls up Mickie and grabs the ropes.

Winner: Lita

What did wrestling editor-in-chief, Dan Hevia think of this match?

[22:48] Dan H: That ref is as blind as Anne Frank
[22:48] Me: um, Helen Keller?
[22:48] Me: Anne Frank was the Jew with the diary
[22:48] Dan H: Oh

Man, I really come off as a racist on AIM, don’t I? I love Jews. They really keep the electric bill down in the winter months. Speaking of people who should be burned alive, we’re shown the John Cena/Masters match again to hype the TLC match. Time for DX’s mystery match.

DX vs ???: Mystery Match of Mysterious Mystery

DX comes out first. The Game: Triple H, The Heartbreak Kid: Shawn Michaels, D-Generation X. I need a cool nickname. DX does their shtick adding in the Vince is choking the chicken in a posh hotel room.

Shane comes out, and he cuts the music. Finlay, William Regal, and Kennedy come out and they’re in this match for fighting! Handicap time.

We come back from our final commercial break. Regal is wailing on Shawn Michaels. During the break, Finlay dropped Shawn. Michaels fights everyone, but Finlay drops Little Bastard on Michaels before stomping away at Michael’s little vag breaker. Finlay gets a tag in as Regal puts the knee across Shawn’s neck. “Finlay is not the quiet man.” Stop JR. Finlay hits a shoulderblock before tagging in Regal. Regal hits a bunch of knees getting the tag to Finlay. Finlay rams his shoulder into the post, but he grabs Shawn’s foot hoping to slow him down. Why is Kennedy in this match again?

Anywho, Triple H gets a hot tag and he cleans house. Kennedy gets a clothesline, but misses the Swanton off the top. Triple H and Shawn toss him. Finlay grabs Triple H and puts him in a full nelson. Regal comes in with a chair, but misses the shot hitting Finlay. Kick, wham, pedigree! Regal is pinned.

Winners: DX

Here comes Shane with the Big Show. The numbers finally catch up to DX and take them down. Vince’s music hits and here he comes. He beats Triple H with a lead pipe. Vince grabs a camera and smashes Shawn Michaels with it before choking him out. Triple H is bleeding about a 2.0 on the Muta scale, while Shawn has a respectable 5.5. Huge “you suck cock” breaks out as both men are down. Vince has got a microphone and he says that they’re breaking out McMahons and Big Show vs DX: Hell in a Cell at Unforgiven. Wow, that’s quite the hard sell for the PPV. Night all.