Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc., 08.29.06

Happy 10th Anniversary to Tigger’s pro career. A full deck of cards of wins and a dozen majors in a decade…it’s tough to wrap your head around, really. As many wins as Lord Byron, two more average years away from Arnie, and on pace to pass Snead in six years. His performance at the Bridgestone was the quintessential example of Tigger toying with the competition. And he’s not doing it against the scrubs either. Stewart Cink was one of the few people other than Tigger to have won this tournament, and he’s a Ryder Cup teammate. Thanks to the last couple weeks, Tigger’s also done the impossible: he’s turned the Ryder Cup, one of the world’s great sporting events, into a sideshow. There are more casual golf fans looking forward to Tigger defending his title at Harding Park than looking toward the K Club. Sometimes it’s a bad thing when there’s a dominant player in a sport. Let’s face it, if it wasn’t for Andre’s retirement, would anyone be excited about the men’s draw at the US Open? It’s going to be a Federerererer walk, and we all know it.

(Memo To Chris Arrington: Tigger on a roll is not only scary to white people. Think about Veej and how he’s going into a slump just as Tigger’s getting fired up. There’s some cosmic law that says that only one of them can be great at a time.)

As for other things, well, I’ve been telling you that Katherine Harris is the paragon of evil since November 2000. Now will you believe me? What else do you need, folks? She’s even pissed off the people in her own party with her remarks. Any day now, she’s going to come out and say that Jesus told her to steal the 2000 election, and people will give her a pass. I’m more convinced that ever that Christianity is the greatest perverted force in history. It was good when it was just some Jewish guys talking about how to live a good life, but what it’s become…it’s time to ban religion, period. Yeah, it’ll take some oomph out of Celtic/Rangers matches, but it’ll do us good.

One more thing: Memo To the Simmons-tard: it is my right…nay, my duty…to make fun of people from Wisconsin. You have no such right. I’m just about ready to declare fatwa.

On to the good writers…

THE PIMP SECTION

I got my ROH review up before that piece of shit Doctor Keith did over at 1bullshit. The fact that he liked the main event is proof positive of what a complete and utter tasteless dumbass he is. By the way, stupid, the outside portion of the match started in Section B (which is where Danielson did the dive), then moved to C and then D. Of course, Doctor Keith is too f*cking moronic to read the Big Honking Signs that designated the seating sections. This guy’s a plague on the IWC. The sooner he’s dealt with, the better.

By the way, Bisman from Sports has known McGuinness and Whitmer since their HWA days, and he says they’re for real. After that show, I definitely know that about Whitmer; he was terrific. I just wasn’t able to see enough of McGuinness to make a confirmed judgment. And, yes, Neil, I have read your columns, and you’re coming along nicely. Now all of you guys out there read him too.

Vin-Man Hearts Nitro.

Weavil Hearts Trish

Wallace is quickly heading toward a Wrestling Zone exclusive. Good for us.

Hey, Daniels, we’ve got two pissholes worth of baseball stadia in my town, so be happy.

Tierney attempts to explain the Astros’ bullpen. Next week, he’ll figure out how many Angels can dance on the head of a pin.

Memo to Cooling: the Gunners may be first in my heart, but I did live in Frankfurt for two and a half years, so I’m an Eintracht supporter by adoption. By the way, did you really type “Tottenham Hotspurs”? Tch tch.

Pusey shows why James Toney is a boxer we can all rally around.

Paul contrasts the impermanence of digital media as opposed to good old analog vinyl. The thing that I’ll most miss about the Vinyl Age is when the last classic rock station in America stops doing late-night album sides (it’s strange to think that this is the only way a good portion of America’s youth is familiar with the concept of an album side). If it’s the right album side, those extended sets are magical. For instance, I was heading to work at 3AM on Monday morning, and one station happened to be doing an album side. Turns out it was side 2 of Honky Chateau. Twenty-five minutes of prime Elton…just the perfect thing to get rid of the muggy Monday morning back-to-work blues.

That being said, it’s really amazing what the progression of technology has done to recorded music. For the first century of recordings, there was only one physical format change, from wax cylinders to disks, with one minor technology change that came with the introduction of the LP and 45. In the last thirty years, we’ve gone from vinyl to 8-track to cassette to CD to digital audio files, just to name the successful formats (you can throw in DAT, Mini-Disc, SACD, DVD Audio, etc., at your leisure), all of which require hardware changes to play. So, yeah, there is a sense of impermanence there. However, digitizing music gives it the best chance of survival. As long as the format’s documented and the codec is there (or can be recreated), the file can be played. Thus, there’s hope.

Gloomie discusses how to cope with the situation when your favorite band turns into TEH SUXXORS.

Basilo discusses season-ending episodes of shows, but not the season-enders that have people talking, like Deadwood or Entourage.

THE LAST WORD ON KURT ANGLE

Now that we’ve had a chance to digest everything, I think the IWC’s come to a consensus that this is a Good Thing. This is just WWE telling Kurt, “Look, you’re so hurt right now that we can’t even do a proper injury angle. The way you’re going, you’re a walking corpse. So, go home, get healthy, get off the pills, get your life back together, and get your head straight, and we’ll see you at Wrestlemania.”

That being said, this is a Cosmic Message for Vince and his direction in reviving ECW. His plan was simple: use Van Dam, TBS, and Angle to get attention and carry the promotion. Then came Van Dam’s little automobile incident, shooting those plans to hell. TBS is receiving cold indifference, like he always does when he plays the monster heel. And now Angle’s gone. This puts a helluva lot of pressure on the brain trust to come up with something. Now they HAVE to rely on Paul Heyman to pull them through, even to the point where he’s going to be sacrificing himself to Sabu tonight. ECW’s going to have to quickly promote CM Punk to main-event status (a very good thing indeed) and hope that Sabu doesn’t kill himself in the time it takes to get Punk there. Has Vince figured out yet that WWE works better in a crisis situation, when “creative” is taken out of the loop? Has he got the hint yet? We can only hope.

ANYTHING ELSE?

Unless you count the fact that TBS flew from the ECW house show in Poughkeepsie to Atlantic City in order to make his surprise appearance on Raw (his match with Sabu was booked as the opener in order to make that happen), nothing. And the only news that would have come from that one is that a plane small enough to land at Poughkeepsie had enough power to take off with TBS in it. So let’s just go to Raw…

THE SHORT FORM

Match Results:

John Cena over Chris Masters (DQ, Edge-ference): I’ll let others make “shrunken Masters” jokes (except for the caption), but, yeah, he does look awful. Of course, without that freakish muscle definition, he looks more human, which is at least a small step in the right direction. But, really, Chris, get rid of the goatee. It’s sad. Now, as for the Angle Advancement portion of this match, the only way I’d be happy about this situation is if Cena had a three-year contract from, oh, NJPW, somewhere where I don’t have to watch him and where Ditch could get his mouth frothing in indigation. You ever see a rabid David Ditch? It’s really fun.

By the way, since the well-known fact of the next Edge/Cena match was officially announced during the apres, I can put this here. The Proud Graduate Of Dartmouth His Own Self points out a little fact: Edge has, in fact, lost a TLC match, the one that was on Smackdown, a four-way that was won by the Canadian Violence Connection (tm Scooter). Well, I guess they’re ignoring that little fact in favor of the fact that “I’ve never lost a TLC match, you’ve never been in one” sounds good. They used the same hook for the Edge/Flair match, remember, and it worked then.

Cena still wasn’t used to a lighter Masters, and put too much force into it

Candice Michelle over Torrie Wilson, Paddle On A Pole Match: For a (Blank) On A Pole Match, always a dubious concept at best, they put out a lot of effort, so I credit them. Of course, this was an…I won’t call it an Angle Advancement Match. How about a Character Advancement Match for Candice? They are REALLY overcompensating now for Trish’s impending departure by turning virtually every single woman face on Raw. Victoria’s pretty much the only female heel left. All of a sudden, an idea that I’ve put in a special feature by the wrestling staff that will be coming out in a couple of weeks sounds very appealing.

She’s no Brandi Chastain. Thank God.

Jeffykins over Randy Orton, Number One Contenders’ Match (Pinfall, Swanton Bomb): Let’s see, it’s Jeffykins and Orton fighting over the right to face Johnny Nitro…do you honestly expect me to care? And did Ross really call the Swanton the Twist Of Fate? Also, think about this: Jeffykins’ biggest defenders at this site are Troy Hepple and Penny. I think WWE has succeeded in appealing to his target audience.

Not the first time Jeffykins has thrown himself at…no, even I get sick of the jokes sometimes

(Pinfall, Mondo pins Duggan, rollup): And if you thought I didn’t care about the last match-up, that was edge-of-my-seat compared to this. Nine guys in this (eleven if you count Lawler and Ross), and not a single active brain cell to be found except in the skull of my boy. Why am I even bothering with this show?

There’s nothing as furious as a parent defending his child. Duggan, you’re a dead man. Of course, this time I decided to get help in that regard. You know who I got:

Lita over MickieLexis LaJames, Women’s Title Match (Pinfall, rope-assisted rollup): Pretty nothing of a women’s match. Yeah, we can say that nowadays. In the time Lita spent away from wrestling, recuperating from her injuries and f*cking everyone in the locker room, the game passed her by. The standards to which we hold women’s matches are much higher than a couple of years ago thanks mainly to Trish and Victoria (with some credit to LaJames). Lita is going to need a helluva lot of work to get (back) to that level. That’s going to be even more critical with Trish gone and her having to carry the heel side of the women’s division.

The spot that you can find in any women’s match

A concerned parent should always take an interest in what his son is interested in

Shawn ‘n Trip over Special Guest Heels Mister Regal, Mister Finlay, and Mister FudgePacker (Pinfall, Trip pins Regal, Pedigree): Clusterf*ck of a match, merely done to mark time until the apres, when we got both TBS and Hell In A Cell. All well and good, despite Angle Advancement Status.

You know what? I’m so not interested in this, I want to turn this situation into a game. A thought experiment, if you weeeel. You’re going to pitch a movie. You don’t have a script or even a plot. You have simply a list of characters. Your characters are as follows: an egomaniac billionaire, his son, his son-in-law, his son-in-law’s best friend, and a big goofy guy who hangs around them. Give me a genre (comedy, drama, buddy film, sex comedy, etc.), a basic plotline, and casting for each role. I’ll print the best ones next week, if I get any that are good. Yeah, I’m serious about this.

If you needed a picture that summed up nine hundred years of history, this is it

Angle Developments:

Unfortunate Images: So, Vince lying on a couch moaning “DX”…you know, it’s at this point that I wish I haven’t been in the IWC for so long. Because if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have known about those particular rumors and suppositions that create a second part to this picture that, frankly, I don’t want to think about. Ever. I’m going to need a LOT of drugs to get that one out of my mind.

Man, it’s scary how much he’s starting to resemble Vince circa Rock ‘n Wrestling Era. Of course, it’s better given the alternative.

KC Evers (no relation) asks this: Isn’t choking the chicken animal abuse? Actually, no. Choking a chicken (and breaking its neck) is considered a humane way to euthanize poultry, and in fact is the preferred way to do it if you’re using chickens in scientific experiments. Just thought you’d like to know.

Must…not…make…undercooked poultry…or…salmonella…joke…

Here’s your legacy of Tough Enough, folks. Until the Boogeyman comes back, that is, and he wasn’t a finalist.

That’ll close this up, since I need to get some sleep. Until the weekend, have a thrilling time.

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