I just can’t put him away. Much like Rawley Wilkes in Lone Wolf McQuade, Morgan Canfield in An Eye for an Eye or the entire country of Viet Nam in Missing in Action, I just can’t keep Chuck Norris down. Only a few weeks ago, I put a stop to my Chuck Norris marathons as it was driving my friends and girlfriend insane.
Then recently, I acquired a Playstation 2 along with a copy of the next entry in my favorite fighting game series, Tekken 5. After playing a few rounds with friends and needing to watch some Kung Fu, there sat a stack of DVD’s that hadn’t been put into my player in a month; all starring the man whose tears can cure cancer (too bad he has never cried). Just like that, Chuck Norris kicked the door in and made me watch his movies all over again.
Truth be told, I’m not even sure why these films are so entertaining. They’re usually not written all that well. The acting is usually mediocre at best when Chuck is not surrounded by acting veterans such as Christopher Lee or Mako. Hell, even the action isn’t always top notch, but there I was sitting on my couch, awe inspired as I watched Norris thwart his antagonist’s worst intentions to bury him alive, by pouring beer all over his face, and then driving his supercharged truck to victory.
I tried to find another subject for this week’s column, but Chuck wasn’t having it. So here I am, writing about two more Chuck adventures, both in different genres to some degree, but really very similar. In both offerings, we get “the man who can taste lies” kicking butt and then not even bothering to take names. Those looking for a column about “art” or “meaning” may want to look elsewhere. Those looking for some prime Chuck have come to the right place.
Silent Rage Starring Chuck Norris, Ron Silver, Brian Libby, and Toni Kalem. Directed by Michael Miller
First and foremost, I have to mention that Silent Rage has perhaps the greatest tag line ever. Imagine you’re watching an early 1980’s Slasher film, similar to Halloween or a Friday the 13th entry. It features an unstoppable killer played by Ron Pearlman look-alike Brian Libby. He plays John Kirby, a psychotic who butchers men and women in horrible fashion, whether using axes or his bare hands. There’s a lot of nudity and victims who seem to lose all common sense when faced with a crisis, and a pretty high body count. Quite often in these films there’s a police officer who must find and track down this killer and must stop at nothing to bring him to justice. Now imagine that cop is Chuck Norris. That’s what you get with Silent Rage.
Chuck Norris IS Sheriff Dan Stevens, an officer in a small Texas town, who enforces the law by speaking softly and using a lot of kicks. Frankly, lets face it, Norris has got two major roles. There’s the super bad ass cop who’s sensitive when he has to be, but mostly has to know when to bust heads. Then there’s Norris as unstoppable super agent/soldier/ninja. While Norris is the latter in films such as the Missing in Action Trilogy, The Octagon, as well as Delta Force and its sequel; its arguable that Norris is more well known for the first type of character, which can be seen in his best work, including Lone Wolf McQuade, Code of Silence, and An Eye for an Eye. Sheriff Dan Stevens is definitely in the first category.
Let’s face it, Chuck’s not going to be taking home any Golden Statuettes any time soon for acting, but he’s fine in this type of role. He gets a sweet romantic subplot with Toni Kalem’s Alison Halman, that perhaps gets too much of the film’s running time devoted to it, but adds a little more weight to the film’s last act. Sheriff Stevens also gets a lovable sidekick in the form of Charlie (Stephen Furst). Furst is mostly remembered for his turn as Flounder in Animal House, and this character is basically identical. It makes you wonder why Stevens would put up with Charlie’s goofy antics, but do you really watch Chuck Norris movies for logic anyway? Yeah, didn’t think so.
First and foremost, does the movie have enough action to satisfy Chuck fanatics? In the end, that’s probably a yes. Early on we get to see Norris take down John Kirby, and rather easily really. The biggest sustained action sequence has Norris fighting an entire bar full of bikers who are determined to show up the small town officer. Uttering maybe two lines before he starts the beat down, Norris gets his fists and feet a-flying, brutally taking down about 15 combatants. Then the last act of the film is virtually all action as Kirby and Stevens tangle for what seems like the longest time.
What sets this film apart from the rest of Norris’ filmography is the Horror aspect of the film. Early in the film, John Kirby goes on an early axe-wielding killing spree, and not only gets taken out by Sheriff Stevens, but ends up getting shot down by deputies while trying to escape custody. He’s taken to a local hospital, which just so happens to be a genetic research facility as well. Under the knife of unscrupulous doctors, Kirby is given an experimental formula that brings him back to life, and makes him indestructible. Far be it for me to question the logic of a Chuck Norris movie again, but giving this serum to an axe wielding murderer; is that really a good idea?
So does this mix of Horror and Action movie really work? I can’t really say yes wholeheartedly. While adding the Horror genre to the Chuck Norris formula does give some fun moments and adds more nudity to the mix, the direction in this film is simply too pedestrian to make this really successful. The settings throughout this film are cheap and the situations uninspired in most cases. It is awesome to see Norris kick a man out of a thirty story window, but that’s really the most ingenuity shown here.
Also, while I’m not looking for good performances in the movie like this, there comes a point when you’ve really got to put your foot down on somebody’s neck. Steven Keats, who plays Dr. Phillip Spires, the man responsible for bringing Kirby back to life is particularly terrible. It’s pretty bad when you’re being out-acted by Chuck Norris. I mean, I love Chuck, but master thespian he is not.
On the other hand it is really fun to see Phantom of the Paradise’s William Finley, who plays yet another scientist in this film. Ron Silver does the best with what little material he’s given, even making the best look of shock by a potential Kirby victim in the film. Sopranos fans will also recognize Toni Kalem, who acquits herself just fine here, as the film’s main love interest and sought after victim. So while I’m not going to scream for you to run out and buy Silent Rage, the movie is great for a night of drinking and yelling at the TV.
Invasion U.S.A. Starring Chuck Norris and Richard Lynch. Directed by Joseph Zito.
On the other hand, for those looking for the ultimate example of Norris being the man from the “Chuck Norris Facts”, look no further than Invasion U.S.A. The plot of the film is pretty simple, a terrorist organization lead by a Russian spy named Mikhail Rostov invades Florida causing havoc by causing race riots and blowing up houses. These guys are evil in the worst way, as Rostov (Richard Lynch) shows off his malevolence by shooting an arms dealer in the groin and throwing the man’s woman out a window in a very early sequence. Another ludicrous scene has Rostov and his army showing up to a nice suburban neighborhood, with families putting up Christmas tress and lovers making out in cars. The terrorists then summarily blow up all the houses in the neighborhood with bazookas. Who could possibly stop this absurd degree of villainy?
Chuck Norris IS Matt Hunter, an ex-CIA agent called back into the field to take down Rostov’s invasion. Hunter is reluctant to take on the job, as he once had the opportunity to kill the Russian, but was stopped by brass that wanted him taken alive. Now he’s out there causing havoc and Hunter is the only thing stopping the utter chaos that is about to happen.
How bad ass is Matt Hunter in this movie? Well, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen another film where the main villain, who has already shown himself to be a horribly ruthless killer, has nightmares about the film’s hero killing him. I would call Hunter a “One Man Army”, but that doesn’t seem to really do him justice. Norris plays his coldest hero in Invasion U.S.A., as Director Joseph Zito sets up several ridiculous scenarios for terrorists to be blown away. Usually the sequences involve a crowd of people, a bomb, and a quick rescue and beat down handed down by Norris’ Matt Hunter. My favorite sequence involves a traffic jam where terrorists pull up to a school bus full of children, place a bomb on the side of the bus, and then drive off. The quick thinking Hunter drives up in his own truck, takes the bombs, catches up to the terrorists in the their car, gives them a quick “Did you lose this?” type line, and then proceeds to place the bomb on their car as they blow up.
Honestly, Norris doesn’t usually get a lot of one liners in his films, but Invasion U.S.A. is full of them. Hunter has a catchphrase which is, “It’s time to die,” which Norris probably says 27 times throughout the movie. Norris also gets gems like “If you come back in here, I am gonna hit you with so many rights you are going to beg for a left. ” and “You’re beginning to irritate me.”
The finale of the movie is just as preposterous as the rest of the movie. While National Guardsmen have a battle with Rostov’s forces outside of an office building, Hunter and the terrorist leader play cat and mouse inside. The final sequence features machine guns, grenades, a Karate fight and finally dueling bazookas (and by a duel, I mean a wild west “quickdraw” style).
Is Invasion U.S.A. a good movie? Well if that last sequence sounds like your cup of tea, then yes, otherwise I’d stay miles away from it. In the right frame of mind, both of these movies can be really fun. Those looking for a “good” movie will be sorely disappointed, but those people trying to find depth and meaning in a film with Chuck Norris on the cover probably deserve disappointment.
