For those who missed it, Mr. Britney Spears released his first official video this past week.
I, for one, was never more excited to watch this thing.
And in the past month, the music world has seen new albums from Christina Aguilera, Paris Hilton, and Jessica Simpson. Upon the realization that these albums would be released in sequential weeks, I made it my mission to review all of them. Certainly not because I’m a fan (although I’ve always thought Xtina was pretty rad), but because I knew it was going to be an opportunity to absolutely trash the hell out of certain celebs who don’t realize that their only reason for fame is tits, ass, and something to mock.
While it’s all in good fun to insult and berate millionaires, there’s more to it: there’s actual music being released here. And although it’s terrible — there’s no disagreement there — some of these horrific atrocities released over the years are still ever so fun to relive.
I don’t exactly see myself listening to Paris Hilton or Kevin Federline for fun and amusement, but then again, I grew up in the ’80s. We may complain all day and night about these terrible artists, but there have always been terrible artists being pushed down our throats.
And as I get older, hearing old clunkers puts a smile on my face. It’s a part of my youth, my history. It’s so much fun to look back at the horror and malaise that my friends and I would experience when having to listen to the schlock. Or, even more amusing, when I absolutely adored the awfulness at the time. That’s even funnier, recalling my days of homemade New Kids on the Block t-shirts.
I can’t possibly let them fade into oblivion.
Genesis, “Illegal Alien”
I recently pulled out the DVD with this video on it and showed it to friends. To those unacquanted, Phil Collins sings the song in a bizarre not-really-anywhere accent while the lyrics tell of Mexicans trying to cross the US border. Half of the lyrics are about their desire to exploit America while the other half tries to paint a picture of sympathy… I think. Then there’s the video, where Phil dons a terrible black wig and moustache and tromps around pretending to be Mexican… I think. It’s offensive, it’s funny, and it’s utterly stupid. I can’t possibly imagine the guys from Genesis not looking back on this and cringing into a little corner. “Illegal Alien” isn’t in the “so-bad-it’s-good” category so much as the “so-bad-you-can’t-look-away”. Maybe that’s why I get so much joy from the song. Something this horrid from a band so renowned simply should not exist.
Ebn-Ozn, “A-E-I-O-U and Sometimes Y”
This wonderful new-wave gem might simply be the most horrible song in all of existence. It has absolutely no redeeming qualities: a really stupid chorus chanting vowels, verses that are nothing more than a white guy babbling (not singing) about being rejected by a girl until he finally gets laid, all backed with sounds that even Casio turned and snickered at. It’s fair to say that “A-E-I-O-U” is the poster child of everything that went wrong in the early ’80s. Yet, I threw it on a mix for my car. Why? I have no idea. I don’t ever skip it. Perhaps there’s just comfort in knowing that I’ll never have to hear anything worse than that song.
Vanilla Ice, “Too Cold”
It’s one thing to put “Ice Ice Baby” on any list like this. It’s a stupid song filled with some seriously hilarious lyrics. Did anyone really think they could imagine Vanilla Ice getting in the middle of a drug-related gunfight? Wait — did anyone ever actually listen to the words and put together this subplot in the song? Anyway, in 1998, after humiliation and years gone by, Vanilla Ice decided to reinvent himself as a rap-metal guy. New and innovative, just like Kid Rock and 311 and Korn and… ahem. He kept the original song for the most part intact, but backed it with sludgy chugga-chugga metal riffs and screamed the chorus. It kind of had the same effect as listening to bluegrass versions of Metallica songs.
Vanity 6, “Pretty Mess”/Apollonia 6, “Sex Shooter”
Take a girl who can’t sing, hop her up on so much coke that you can see through her nose out the other side of her head, put her in lingerie and hand her a song by Prince. Twice! Both of these songs are classics of utter and complete trash. And whatever the fascination of Prince to have girls sing about ejaculation, really, I’m not one to postulate. At least the beats were pretty fun… for the time. But anyway, is there really much to say about these two aside from making some “purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka” jokes?
Gerardo, “Rico Suave”
I loved Gerardo. Goodness, most girls did. The album was altogether pretty awful and Gerardo himself ran around singing and acting the part of a male prostitute, but everyone was eating it up. Raw like sushi, even. Many at the time pointed out how ridiculous he was, but so many others didn’t care because he was hot. Oh, Jessica Simpson, Gerardo should be your role model. Just don’t get to the point where you start feeling guilty for being a whore and fade into oblivion, trying forever to distance yourself from your past. Wait, on the other hand, maybe you should.
Prefab Sprout, “The King of Rock ‘n Roll”
It doesn’t start out so badly. In fact, it’s a perfectly acceptable, pleasant little bopping pop tune. But then the chorus comes, and you’re left puzzled as to why in the hell you’re listening to a song that keeps repeating “hot dog, jumping frog, Albuquerque”. Don’t think about it too much because your brain will utterly explode, Lewis Black style. The whole thing sounds like a bad, bad joke created to mock everything in the music scene. Let’s just pat Prefab on the head and pretend we’re in on the joke, then smile and walk away. Quickly.
Snow, “Informer”
Oh the bad badness. Some skinny white kid from Toronto, rapping with a Jamaican accent, yet the beats are so danceable that it played all over Top 40 radio and MTV like crazy. Never mind that the kid could flow rather nicely, either. Looking up and seeing Rick Astley when you’re hearing Bob Marley is almost painful. A-lickey boom-boom down.
The Associates, “Party Fears Two”
Is it wrong to mock a song as the Ultimate Romantigoth Whining Manifesto when the vocalist offed himself? The song starts out okay, in fact, it starts out quite fabulous as a dark-flavored new wave pop song, complete with bouncy synth somewhere between piano and harpsichord, and subtle but pulsing beat. Suddenly out of nowhere comes this voice: is it Robert Smith doing his best impression of Celine Dion? Is it a rather large cat in heat with a rat trap snapped on one foot? Emo kids on MySpace writing poetry about cutting themselves would laugh and call this guy a wuss. The lyrics help nothing. If only someone would take the instrumental track and start over. Someone, quick, call Diddy.
This list could go on forever if I let it.
Who I did not include, and with good reason, is William Hung. The entire reason why he has an album deal is because he’s so terrible. When it’s done on purpose, it’s not nearly so fun. Or memorable. Trainwrecks aren’t planned events; abortions are. And if you enjoy an abortion, well, I think just starting this sentence will get me a schmooload of hate mail, so I’ll leave it open-ended.
Will Paris Hilton’s “Stars Are Blind” end up on a list like this someday? In all honesty, look again at the songs above: if you recognize them, you know that they have little to no redeeming qualities. I’ll be the first one to say that although Paris can’t sing, she at least has someone writing catchy little ditties for her that are rather bland and inoffensive. She’ll be lucky if anyone remembers it existed. Now, Jessica Simpson’s “Push Your Tush”? If someone is dumb enough to release that as a single, that’s going to make everyone’s annals of horror.
Pain has got it’s reason, you find it pleasin’, yes you do, yes you do…
–gloomchen
