Sure, he hasn’t been on Raw for a few months now, but I’m really feeling the void without him. I’m Tom Pandich. I’d be lying if I said I spent the entire day drinking and partying. It’s been a nice little long weekend. I hope you enjoyed it. Keep it here all night.
One quickie thing. I love how the US Open didn’t plug Raw tonight. By the way, Serena lost her match.
We start things with a recap of Edge/Cena stuff and last week’s “shocking” build to TLC. See, JR plugs the US Open. Edge is in the ring with a table, a chair and a ladder as we’re live from Atlanta, GA, my least favorite city in the world (don’t ask). Edge says the “John Cena gets out of my life forever countdown” as it’s two weeks before Cena goes to the CW network. CW stands for Can’t Win apparently. Edge says his match is in Toronto which is now 96% SARS free. Yikes, take that Asians.
Edge runs down Cena. Edge runs down the crowd. Edge makes a “y’all” joke before playing a TLC video package of his various victories and nuclear explosions. “He’s fearless, he’s relentless, he’s Canadian, he’s Edge.” Hah, nice. After the trailer, Edge is spinning his belt on top the ladder. He says get ready to start fighting men in dresses and “for Michael Cole to resume his huge man crush on you.” Edge goes on until Cena hits the ring. Edge tries to hit a cross body on Cena, but Cena catches him. FU through the table. Cena tosses the ladder on to Edge for good measure.
In case you missed it, Edge got put through a table by John Cena. During the break, Edge was helped out by two refs. In the back, Jeff Hardy is rolling paint. Make your own huffing joke. Maria pops up and asks him what he’s doing. Jeff says he’s watching Melina and Nitro’s press conference from last week. Hah, cute.
Jeff Hardy vs Johnny Nitro: Intercontinental Title Match
Wow, they pulled the trigger on this one pretty fast. Nitro said on WWE.com that Jeff Hardy isn’t smart. The sky is also blue and Melina’s father hides whenever he hears INS is coming around. Hardy looks less fat this week and is only wearing one shirt in case you care (I know Eric S does). That Hardy, such a dreamboat. Nitro kicks Hardy in the face for a one count followed by a take down for one. Hardy transitions into a roll up for one, followed by a small package for two, followed by a bridge for two. Nitro is pissed and tries for a single leg takedown. Hardy keeps his balance and hits a roundhouse. That’s enough for Nitro to bail and it’s time for a commercial.
We return and Hardy is down in what must be an incredibly painful rest hold. During the break, Hardy tried to pop into the ring but got caught with a drop kick. Hardy gets up and tries to fight off Nitro, but he gets his hair pulled into a backbreaker. Nitro mounts Hardy on the ground with some punches followed by a belly to back side suplex for two. Nitro puts his knee to Hardy’s back and stretches him out. Nitro lets go and has a brief spat with the ref and misses a goofy looking leg drop. Hardy hits a jawbreaker and hits the ropes only to be elevated and dropped over the top rope.
Nitro works on Hardy’s back again, but Hardy fights back. That doesn’t go on for too long as Hardy gets dropped with another backbreaker. Nitro slaps on a bear hug and puts Hardy up on the top. Nitro tries for a superplex, but Hardy floats out of it and gets the electric chair. Both men are down and up at 8.
Hardy is a bit faster and he hits a flying forearm. A couple of clotheslines followed by a Russian legsweep. Hardy does a double leg drop and stays with it for a pin for two. Pretty awesome pinfall. Nitro wanders to the corner and catches Jeff with a foot. Nitro heads up top. Cross body but Jeff rolls through for two. Hardy tries for a dropkick, but Nitro holds on to the ropes. Nitro hits a standing moonsault for two. Hardy gets Irish whipped into the corner, but he counters. Nitro hits hard and Hardy hits a Whisper in the Wind. Hardy heads to the top, but Melina is on the apron and Nitro knocks him off. Nitro pulls Hardy up who hits a Twist of Fate! 1, 2, Melina hits the ring for the DQ. Damn, shit ending to a pretty hot match.
Winner by DQ: Jeff Hardy
Hardy is pissed and hits a Swanton on Nitro’s back. Up next is Trish’s goodbye.
This week in wrestling history, First. WCW. Monday. Nitro. It was an utterly huge show with Sting/Flair, Hogan defending the title, and Lex re-debuting in WCW. 11 years ago folks, and WCW has been dead for five years now.
In the back, Trish and Lita have a spat. They make Trish’s last match at Unforgiven for the Women’s Title. Trish says “just bring it”¦bitch,” which gets a slap from Lita. All hell breaks loose as Trish takes out Lita and Carlito tries to break things up only to get attacked by Randy Orton.
Meanwhile, here’s more Marine shit. There is no way I’m going to see that on either my day of watching every Friday the 13th film in a marathon (October 13th) or going to see this piece of crap for review on my birthday (October 14th). Have fun with that my fellow Junkies… err Inside Pulse Movie staffers.
Lita is pissed and she wants to talk to Vince, but the Coach is trying to stop all of this. Shane comes out and he seems irked. Lita rambles on about whatever only to have Shane make a match. Carlito and Trish versus Randy and Lita. Lita complains about how she needs to be with Edge. Shane fixes that by making Lita/Randy/Edge against Trish/Carlito/Cena in a six man tag.
Chris Masters is in the ring, leaner and meaner. A cut to the back and look, and Maria is still staring at that wall. Hah, cute. Masters opens an open challenge and who comes out?
Super Crazy vs Chris Masters: Someone call boarder control
Things start out with a Super Crazy chant only to transition quickly to a boring chant. Crazy gets his shoulder tossed into the steel ring post. Masters then puts Crazy in a hammerlock only to miss the elbow. Crazy gets going as he hits a few drop kicks and sends himself over the top flattening Masters. Super Crazy does some flippy shit to avoid the Masterlock. Masters flattens Super Crazy with a huge clothesline. He moves Crazy to the corner and Irish whips him to the other. Crazy gets out of Masters way and drops him with a drop toe hold. Masters is down. Huge moonsault. One, two, three?!!?
Winner: Super Crazy
Hurrah. Do I smell a “losing streak” gimmick for Masters? I really hope so. In the back, Maria is still looking at that paint and even smelling it a bit.
What happened last week with DX and the McMahons? Why the Big Show came out and crushed them followed with breaking stuff. Anywho, 3 on 2 Hell in the Cell at Unforgiven.
We’re back and its time for the Vince McMahon puts himself over. I got to tell you. I took this time to leave the Memorial Day party I was writing at, and only scanned the Tivo. Anywho, I get home and DX comes out with a chair and a sledgehammer. Big Show is in the ring with several security guards. Shawn looks much more beaten up then Vince. Triple H thanks Vince for making them taste their own blood.
Triple H says, “thank you for reminding us just who the hell we are!” The security guard tries to reason with DX and the poor guy gets walloped. DX hits the ring, everyone else takes off. DX clearns (yes, clearns, cleans and clears) house.
Slam of the Week: I ignore Spirit Squad/Eugene and Duggan.
This week: I ignore a triple threat match for the #1 Contenders for the tag titles.
Charlie Haas & Viscera vs the Highlanders vs Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch: Not watching this
Spirit Squad comes out and the hick team dominates the Highlanders. Charlie Haas gets in to take on Lance Cade. Haas has this whole Street Fighter II look going on. Hm, the History of the WWE Title is out tomorrow. Highlanders win with a sunset flip.
Winners: The Highlanders
World Championship match between Booker T and Batista this week.
In the back, Carlito is pissed about Randy Orton. He starts tossing out Spanish. Carlito is the king of disrespecting people, not Orton. Hmm, Raw is live from MSG next week. That should be a fun show.
We’re back and Maria is high on paint fumes from the Kiss Cam. Take that Wellness program! Flair’s music hits, and he’s perving it up to high Maria! Flair says how good it is to be back in Atlanta G.A.. Ric wants a kiss. Ric gets a kiss. Damn”¦ Flair flop after the kiss. Poor Hatton. Flair wants to say what happened with Foley after Summerslam was pretty awful. Armando interrupts him though talking about Jews or something.
Armando wants Ric to declare Umaga the man. Flair doesn’t want to say Umaga is the man so here he comes. Umaga strolls down only to have Kane come right behind him. Kane squishes Umaga and the crowd is into it. Umaga tries to get back in the ring but Kane uses his pyro powers to scare off Umaga.
Main event is still to come.
Cryme Tyme is a new tag team, and Jesus Christ, its Sambo and Tar Baby. I’ve seen racist gimmicks, but man oh man, there are few gimmicks as racist as that. Teddy Long is here and gets a nice reception. Maria is still with that paint.
Unforgiven card gets run down. It’s a first in a long time as we’ve got a brand specific PPV with the entire card set more then a week ahead of time.
In the back, Vince wants to main event at Madison Square Garden. Next week, he’ll take on Triple H in Raw’s main event.
This week’s main event though”¦
Edge, Lita, & Randy Orton vs Trish Stratus, Carlito, and John Cena: A PPV pimp match over a week in advance!?!?!
It’s crazy, I know! Heels come out first. Main event is next! Commercials first though.