I WARN YOU
SOMEBODY IS GOING TO MENTION IT…
PAST THAT, ENJOY.
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
So welcome everyone to the show. Here’s the folks that you know and love:
DANIELLE – Crikey!
JEFFREY – He’s going into a death roll!
BILL – Look at the nipper!
MIKE – Put a thumb in his bumhole!
HERNANDEZ – Isn’t he gorgeous!
LAURA – What a beaut!
JENNA – What a ripper!
So here we are – starting with a Cena/Edge set-up for Unforgiven! TLC then, but tonight, Edge is setting up a table, a ladder, and a chair right in the middle of the ring. Isn’t that convenient.
Sitting on the top of the ladder – Edge refers to Unforgiven as the ‘John Cena Gets Out My Life Countdown Begins’…
“They’re gonna use the Y2J Countdown..” – Bill
Edge explains that Cena is heading over to the CW, which stands for CAN’T WIN…
“Where’s Lita?” – Mike
“In the back… full.” – Me
He makes fun of the intelligence of the audience. “I lost you people at ‘Ladies & Gentleman'”
“But he had me at ‘Hello'” – Me
They give us an Unforgiven promo, wiht the TLC and LADDER bits for Edge… starting with a big nuke cloud.
“Brought to you by TNA” – Hernandez
“Because of all the fire?” – Me
“Where’s Christian” – Dani
So for the ‘coming at the ppv’ bit is done in the Batman: Forever font. Yeah, we’re that geek. Anyway, Edge continues to prattle on about how good he is until John Cena shows up and FU’s him right through the table… drops the ladder onhim…
“That was just mean..” – Hernandez
Then throws the chair on him.
“That was unnecessary..” – Hernandez
He then rips off his shirt.
“Now with dogtags!” – Hernandez
“And Kung-Fu Action Grip” – Friend Matt who is appearing for a little while
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:09
I missed Maria while I was smoking.. dammit. It apparently involved Jeff watching Nitro’s promo and saying it was about as fun as watching paint dry.
Jeff Hardy is out now… not as cool.
JEFF HARDY vs. JOHNNY NITRO
Mike thinks it’s a PPV set-up.. good call.
Melina and Nitro come out to their standard pomp. Mike reminds us that Jeff Hardy beat Triple H for the IC Title. Hernandez reminds us that it’s during the 2 Man Power Trip.
There’s your fun fact for tonight.
Nitro starts it with a dropkick and pin for two. Rollup for Jeff for two. Inside cradle for two. Backslide for two. Jeff is all fiery.
Hardy goes for a kick, Nitro catches it for a missed enzuiguiri… annnnd Nitro’s outside.
“Commercial break?” – Bill
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:17
“Yep” – Me
We’re back and Nitro has Hardy in a chinlock. Hardy fights out of it…. tosses Nitro to the ropes, tells Nitro to kick him in the face and he does. Nitro hits the messy falling backbreaker for two. Now Johnny just beats Hardy in the face. Nitro hits a back suplex for two.
Now Nitro plants the knee in Hardy’s back – and as Jeff gets up, he gets kicked down again. Then he spins and misses the legdrop, but Hardy grabs him for a big sitdown jawbreaker – Jeff runs in and gets lifted and throated on the top rope for another two.
Nitro continues to throw elbows right into Hardy’s back… finally Jeff elbows his way out of it – he walks in and takes ANOTHER wrap around the neck to a backbreaker, then a side russian leg sweep. Now Nitro holds onto Hardy and shoves him in the corner. Sets him up on the top turnbuckle. Climbs up after him, goes for the superplex, but Hardy leaps behind him and catches him in the ELECTRIC CHAIR… Ouch
Double countout starting as we get to 9 they both get up and the fist fight starts. Nitro throws Hardy to the ropes and he throws a flying crossbody. Hits a few clotheslines, a backdrop, and HIS OWN russian leg sweep. The double leg droppppp for TWO.
Hardy runs in to splash Nitro, but Nitro lifts his leg. Nitro runs in, but gets rolled up for two. Hardy goes for a dropkick, but Nitro backs up to the ropes – Nitro hits the standing moonsault for TWO! Hardy runs into the corner, corkscrew moonsault… TWO! Jeff goes up for the senton, but Nitro runs and hits the top rope! As Hardy gets down he HITS THE TWIST OF FATE! ONE.. TWO…. MELINA CATCHES THE REF’S HAND.
WINNER: JEFF HARDY via DQ
Hardy fights Nitro still… hits an X-Factor and a Senton! There’s the set-up for the PPV. Melina grabs the belt and Nitro.
“Is she wearing underwear?” – Jeffrey
“Shhh..” – Me
“Don’t you worry your pretty little head..” – Me
See now as you see that was lots of action. We didn’t talk much. Not to say that’s good for the Rabble, but it at least is better than me having to reiterate an entire interview… eesh.
Later tonight – Trish says goodbye and some commentary on what happened with DX/McMahons later.
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:30
This Week In Wrestling History – September 4, 1995 – WCW Nitro!
Rasslin begins! The Monday Night Wars! Live in a Mall!
Ric Flair beat Sting.
Brian Pillman beat Liger.
Hulk Hogan beat Buddy Rogers.
Lex Luger showed up on WCW-TV.
So Trish heads on down in the outside, and Lita interrupts her. As a note, Trish is wearing a hot lil silvery breasty number.
Trish says she wants to win that belt.
“Which is made of plastic.” – Hernandez
“So are they” – Bill
“Most of the things on the screen are made of plastic.” – Bill
Trish calls Lita a bitch. They slap each other. Carlito and Randy Orton now fight… no serious, that happened.
“Tag match tonight” – Mike
“FOR the women’s championship.” – Bill
Hey more footage from the Marine. He puts a badguy in the Crippler Crossface. Seriously.
So in the back Lita is bouncing around like an utter idiot. Awesome because this is her WITHOUT a script. Shane shuts her up by making a match later. Carlito, Trish, and Cena versus Orton, Lita, and Edge.
Coach says that he’s happy that Vince has granted all his wisdom into Shane.
“Right into your mouth” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:42
In the ring… Chris Masters – He grabs the microphone.
“They cut off the bit where I can say Powdered Toast Man” – Bill
In the back Maria is yawning.. awww…
Masters challenges everyone to a Masters challenge.
SUPER CRAAAAZY!
“Who is that?” – Laura
“My uncle” – Hernandez
Lock up. Masters does a double bicep and we all giggle.
Lock up and Crazy gets tossed again.
“Masters will never do the masterlock through all that jerrycurl” – Me
Crazy runs in and slams him down. Tosses Crazy to the countercorner. Crazy hits the ropes into Masters and eats a boat. He gets tossed into the metal pole and out of the ring. Back in the ring he gets a pin for two.
Now he puts Crazy in a standing armbar. He stomps on Masters feet and begins the beatdown, but one hit from Masters he drops. Another bodyslam and a missed elbow.
Masters holds his rear.
“That’s where he takes it” – Hernandez
Crazy runs and hits a side dropkick and then a 2nd rope plancha dropkick which drops Masters to the outside. He hits a front flip off the top rope. Awesome.
Crazy climbs up to the top and hits the big sunset flip for two. He gets up and gets kicked by Masters… Crazy runs up and MISSES with a twisty crossbody. Masters tries for the Masterlock, Crazy drops and rolls him up, but is picked up for a facebuster, but NOOOOoo another roll up and back to their feet!
Masters throws Crazy into the corner, but it’s reversed into a drop toe hold onto the 2nd turnbuckle! Crazy hits the top turnbuckle. PICTURE PERFECT MOONSAULT!! MUTHAAAA!
WINNER: SUPER CRAZY
Welcome Masters to the Job Squad!
In the back Maria is sniffing paint… that’s fantastic.
“Next time she’ll be touching herself.” – Hernandez
“OH GOD PLEASE” – Me
COMMERCIAL FIVE 9:52
We’re back, and Big Show is entering the ring with the McMahons for our 10:00 Interview spot.
Shane explains that they left DX battered and bloody, he and the Chairman Of The Board.
“Frank Sinatra?” – Me
“Where’s Heyman?” – Mike
Tomorrow Big Show will be facing DX in a Handicap Match. Wheeee.
Vince babbles on about DX. Vince explains that the fans aren’t laughing now.
“Cause you aren’t funny..” – Bill
Vince isn’t just laughing at DX but at all of us.
“And now I’m going to laugh at each one of you individually..” – Me
“Aaron Johnson… HA.” – Bill
Hey this is all stopped by… who else… DX! The entire security force are surrounding the ring.
“OOOo a security lumberjack match!” – Me
Shawn has a chair.
Trips has a sledgehammer and a microphone.
“It’s been a long time since someone has made us taste our own blood.” – Trips
“Gangrel?” – Me
“We’ve got two words for you. Thank you. Thank you for reminding us just who the hell we are.” – Trips
“Shawn comes down wearing a crown of thorns.” – Me
They come down the ring and some fatfaced security guard stops them… they wing him with a chair, and now DX charges into the ring and attacks hundreds of security guards.
“I like that all the security knows how to bump.” – Mike
“OVW and DSW are cleared of talent…” – Hernandez
One guy eats a superkick.
One guy eats a pedigree.
“THESE MEN HAVE BEEN DECIMATED” – Lawler
“Yes, they killed every tenth man.” – Me
“Jobbers dead EVERYWHERE!” – Jeffrey
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:07
THE HIGHLANDERS ARE HERE!!!!!
It’s a Triple Threat Tag Team Match!
THE HIGHLANDERS vs. CADE & MURDOCH vs. VISCERA & HAAS
Maria is blowing the paint in the back… awwwwesome….
Now before the match begins, here comes the Spirit Squad!
In the ring, Haas first throws out Cade, but then clears out the Highlanders with Murdoch. Strange. Anyway – Haas takes his time to beat the shit out of Robbie, then in runs Cade and they continue to beat him down.
Haas hits the atomic drop and Murdoch clotheslines him down.
Vicera hits the blackhole slam on Murdoch, and throws Robbie to the corner. BIG chop. Owwie. Two of em… double owwie. Slams him down hard to Haas’ corner. Tag. Drop toe hold to Robbie and a legdrop from Viscera. Pin for two, stopped by Cade. Murdoch and Haas now fight in one corner and Viscera and Cade in the other. They get thrown into the corner together and Viscera gets slingshotted into them. Cade then out of nowhere, pulls the top rope to pulldown Viscera.
“When Visc goes down.. he REALLY gets down.” – Hernandez
Robbie in the back goes and tags in Rori who LEAPS over Cade and Haas to THROW Haas out and sunset flip Cade for a pin!
WINNERS: THE HIGHLANDERS!
The Highlanders are going to Unforgiven!!! Woooo!
In the back.. Carlito and Trish are talking. Carlito is sick of Randy Orton. He’s sick of him being a 3rd Generation Star. What the hell is dees. (He does the hand gesture).
Trish looks hot tonight.
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:20
So Maria’s in the ring…. for the Kiss Cam! She is apparently high as a kite on paint fumes.
Back to Lawler and JR
“The camera’s on you two.. kiss!” – Hernandez
Okay, Maria is f*cking adorable… hey, here comes Ric Flair.
“She’s gonna take a ride on Space Mountain.” – Bill
Ric smirks at Maria.
“Somebody.. WOO.. get my viagra.” – Hernandez
Ric wants a kiss from Maria.
“A kiss on the lips with the Naaaaaa—-” – Ric
“He forgot his name.” – Hernandez
So they kiss… umm…. and CM Punk somewhere is pissed. Wow. Flair then flops.
“Come on .. do the WOO” – Jeffrey
“WOOO!” – Flair
Up at the top of the key.. ‘ESPERETEEEE… ESPERETEEEE’
“Look the spanish announce table!” – Hernandez
“On a stick” – Jenna
Since Umaga already beat him, he wants Ric to declare Umaga ‘Da Man’ to pass ‘da’ torch. So say it.. and say it … riiight nowwww…
“Ha.Ha.” – Bill & Hernandez
Ric says no. Ha Haaaaa… so he’s going to be the NExxxt Victim of Umaga.
So as Umaga comes on down, here comes Kane to stop these shenanigans. They fight it out for a bit, he tosses Umaga then hits the pyro.
“Where’s Flair?” – Me
“Up Maria’s dress” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:31
So maybe we’re going to get the Cryme Time introduction tonight… oh no.
So we start with various thug terminology in pure white speak. Kinda amusing.
THis is kind of like an old Opie & Anthony bit – BOO GOT SHOT – but hey… whatever.
“So what’s your gimmick?” – Hernandez
“We’re black” – Me
“We can run with that…” – Hernandez
So here comes Teddy Long in the skybox.
“More black people!” – Bill
In the back Vince announces that he’ll be facing Triple H at MSG next week.. ooOOo…
Hey, here comes Edge & Lita.
“HEY!” – Me & Bill & JEffrey
Here comes Orton.
EDGE & LITA & ORTON vs. CENA & TRISH & CARLITO
Where Carlito stabs Cena… AGAIN!
(Thanks to Captain Spaulding for reminding me)
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:42
Hey, Carlito, Trish, and Cena!
So Cena starts in the ring with Orton. They have a little bit of words. Orton kicks Cena in the gut and drags him to the corner with stiff punches to the head. Cena runs to the ropes and a stiff knee to the the gut. Another run up to the ropes and a facebuster for two. A tag to Carlito and now Orton and Carlito go fist to fist. Tosses Orton to the ropes, and two clotheslines – all stopped by a thumb poke.
Orton hammers on Carlito and tags in Edge. Carlito ducks a clothesline and hits a dropkick for a tag to Cena! Edge bails and tags Carlito. Trish leans in and wants the tag…
Trish comes in and a big fist to Lita, and back to back. Trish kicks her down in the corner and a choke for the four count. Trish turns around and eats a clothesline. Trish rolls her up, kicked out. Dropkick from Trish and she goes and smacks Orton! In runs Orton and Edge, but the ring is CLEARED by Cena and Carlito…. fantastic hot opener!
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:51
In the ring – Lita has Trish in a sitdown headlock. Trish gets up and Lita goes for a clothesline, ducked into a neckbreaker. Now both girls are down.. ha. THey are crawling towards the corners.
Carlito and Orton tagged in! Carlito hits two knee lifts and a cltohesline. Throws Orton to the corner. Reversed into the reverse elbow from Carlito. Throws Orton into the corner for the punches.. gets to five and then is thrown out by Edge. Edge and Lita beat on him for a moment and throw him in for Orton to hit a big kneedrop. Pin for two. Tag to Edge who now continues to beatdown Carlito with elbows to the back. He chokes Carlito against the ropes as the ref stops Cena from charging in.
Edge hits a standing dropkick. Throws Carlito to the corner and then tosses him countercorner for a corner spear. Tag to Orton and Edge holds Carlito as he gets kicked in the gut. Some stomps and then holds onto the ropes to choke him out a bit. He rolls out and hits a couple european uppercuts. While Cena continues to try and get into the ring… the bad guys continue to cheat.
Now in the middle of the ring, Edge hits Carlito and Carlito CHOPS Edge with a nice snap. This goes back and forth once or twice, until finally Carlito gets the upperhand. He throws Edge to the ropes, but eats a boot to the gut and a clothesline for two. Tag to Orton. More stomps. Picks up Carlito by his hair, then locks in an abdominal stretch while he gives Carlito a pink belly.
“Might as well just donkeypunch him…” – Hernandez
Orton holds onto the ropes for a while and tags in Edge. Snapmare into a chinlock.
“Your haaair is up my nose” – Me
Carlito tries to fight out, but just leads to more tags to Orton. More chinlocking. Carlito out of NOWHERE hits an enzuiguiri and now both men are down and Carlito has to crawl to the corner. Edge drops down and begins crawling around the ring to drop Cena off the ring apron. Carlito tags in Trish who Thesz Press’ Lita! Edge runs in to hit Trish, but Cena stops him.
Edge grabs Orton and they go for a double clothesline, ducked and Cena hits his own!
In the ring, Lita climbs the corner and she gets Trish-rana’d around… Trish sets up Lita, with Edge watching on! Carlito stops Edge, but in runs ORTON! RKO TO TRISH!
Lita crawls… and THAT. IS. THAT.
WINNER: ORTON & EDGE & LITA
So I have to say, we didn’t talk much because we were enjoying the show. I’ll admit it. We enjoyed Raw for the first time in a LONG time… so what did the REST of the show think?
BILL – “I’m making buttons”
JEFFREY – “Really solid Raw.”
HERNANDEZ – “Fun! I just hate to see what next week will bring. They blew their wad”
MIKE – “Really good show, but I miss the paddle on a pole match”
(At this time, Jeffrey fires a Nerf Revolver Dart at Mike)
LAURA – “Good show, I’m goin to miss Trish”
JENNA – “It was pretty solid. I didn’t care for ALL the pairings, but it WAS solid”
See – I toldja!
Now – let’s get to the extrassss!!!!!
F O R T H E R A B B L E
So I was right. I’ll brag on that one. I was the first on IP to suggest that contrary to the official “mutually agreed upon release” story, Kurt was fired against his will to force him to take time off to finally recover from injury and cope with his burgeoning painkiller addiction. But I still don’t find it very likely he’ll end up on Planet Jarrett. First of all, Kurt is A-List and will command an A-List price. TNA would need to pay AT LEAST Sting money to get him, and most likely more. And I don’t think they can swing it right now. And Botter’s theory that Vince is an ECW-style silent partner in TNA is….. well, maybe not all that implausible. It would explain last year’s Jerry Jarrett at Titan Towers sighting a f**k of a lot better, (yes, I censor my own cuss words, sue me), than the feeble “Oh I thought Vince might wanna hire this MMA guy I found” story the press was fed.
But I’m not convinced. I need more tangible proof. I mean when Vince was quietly helping ECW 1.0, ECW got airtime on Raw. Invasions, guest appearances, mention by commentators. When asked outside the shows about his take on it, Vince said ECW by name, promoting them. He gave ECW basicly free advertising because it was in his best interests for ECW to gain viewers. The closest thing to a mention of TNA you’ll ever hear from Vince is him chuckling about “the boys down in Tennessee”. (A quote which puzzles me since the report I read it in was dated well after the company moved lock stock and barrel to Florida.)
No, I think Vince may quietly hope TNA succeeds a little, if only because somewhere deep down the senile ass-loving incest-suggesting old coot knows that the only time WWE is worth watching is when Vince is under the gun, when competition exists to scare him out of his “I have a monopoly I can do whatever I damn well please, fan opinion be damned” midset and force him to think about what will appeal to the people buying the tickets, not himself or his self-absorbed VP’s or bad late 80’s/early 90’s gimmick obsessed daughter. When Vince’s ego gets bruised by competition, Vince puts his ego to bed and thinks with his brain, not his dick, and wrestling’s golden ages begin. Everyone benefits from competition. Vince may hate to admit it, but even he does, because WWE becomes more popular and profitable when he’s forced to stow his senile delinquant attitude for the good of the product.
***
I’m apparently part of Jeff Hardy’s target audience. Eric said so. Apparently my defense of Hardy and Cena on their actualmerits instead of exxagerating their faults in blind hatred makes other writers forget I’m a lesbian. I don’t like Cena or Hardy because they make me weak-kneed and gooey-crotched. They don’t. I can see why straight women like them, but only my wife gets me wet people. No, I like Jeff and John because contrary to the haters’ rhetoric, they actually are entertaining. Cena’s promos always make me (and most of the audience like it or not) laugh. Jeff’s moves when he’s sober are breathtaking to watch. I rarely get through a Hardy match where I don’t hold my breath at least once hoping he doesn’t break his neck. I defend these men against the bitter homophobia-underscored, testosterone jealousy fuelled hatred spewed at them by the IWC because the hate is undeserved, unjustified, and inexcusable from writers who are hoping to be respected and taken seriously.
Writers like them are the kind Triple H was talking about in his recent interview. The bitter obnoxious know-it-all whiners who’ve never been involved in the business. Me? I was on the girls wrestling teamin high school. I know the basics. I even tried to go pro when I was still young and thin and healthy, but 3 months into my career I blew out my left knee on a botched moonsault because my opponent missed her cue.
That doesn’t mean I’m cool.
That doesn’t mean I’m a badass.
That doesn’t mean I’m better than anyone else.
What it DOES mean…
IS THAT I’VE BEEN THERE AND I BLOODY WELL HAVE AN ACTUAL F**KING CLUE WHAT THE HELL I’M TALKING ABOUT!!!
So trust my opinion on this. I can look myself in the mirror and feel good knowing I’m judging these men by what they do, not what I personally don’t like. I’m not sexually attracted to them so I’m not blinded by that. And being happily married I’m not jealous of them for any attention women pay them and not me. And having actually done what they do, I can judge their merits from personal experience.
Shannon Moore I’m still undecided on. I’ll wait to see him in action first, as I really haven’t had a chance to see him let loose and go full-tilt. But Jeff and John? They do not deserve the bile the IWC and even a few IP writers dump on them. So get over yourselves. People like you are the reason nobody that matters cares what we think of the product.
***
Finally, in reply to another IWC writer who e-mailed me using Bob Holly’s admittedly repulsive Tough Enough III beatdown of Matt Capotelli (Here’s hoping kid) to justify his bile at seeing Holly back on tv…
See I e-mailed him echoing our Bright Side boy Steve Murray’s opinion that you have to have no heart to be angry seeing Bob Holly healthy and back to work after a year of hell and almost dying. He replied with the Cappotelli justification.
In my defense, I agree wholeheartedly Bob was reprehensible to Matt. But I think ALMOST DYING of a hideously painful infection, (I’ve had Staph, trust me, it f**king HURTS), is more than enough punishment from Karma for being too stiff with a trainee.
For f**k’s sake the man almost DIED! Dead, dirtnap, deceased, finito, as in NO LONGER AMONG THE LIVING. So yes, even taking the Cappotelli incident into account, you’re STILL heartless if you can begrudge Bob Holly his health. That’d be like people being bitchy about Ric Flair surviving the plane crash 20 some odd years ago because he was a right bastard heel before it. Seriously, look at it outside a wrestling perspective. Just because you don’t think he fits ECW, (and really, he does, I’ll explain next week), is no justifiable reason to begrudge the man being back to doing what he loves after almost losing his life.
Til next week, I’m Penny. Mickey James is my illegitimate daughter. Eric tell your illegitimate son Kenny to keep his filthy hands off my little lesbian jewel.
