Countdown To Inside Pulse V3 – Machine Gun Funk Preview

Snoop Dogg’s got a new single. And, following the unexpected and inexplicable success of Drop It Like It’s Hot, Snoop returns to the Well of Pharrell for the beat to Vato. The song and accompanying video are reportedly an attempt to ease street tensions between Blacks and Latinos and what better way for Snoop to reach out to the Hispanic community than to give Cypress Hill alumnus, B-Real, all of six seconds on the hook? The video’s even more cloying, as Snoop has exhumed the eczema of Edward James Olmos’ decomposed career for a cameo. I guess it’s a good thing that the video shoot was on a day that LA didn’t have one of those weekly job walkouts/protest marches that emphasize the importance of immigrants. Without Olmos and his megaphone-fed brand of rabble rousing, how many Mexican celebrities would’ve remained to speak to all those defiant high school kids in the audience who just didn’t feel like showing up for second through seventh period cared about the cause?

Oh, of course, I’m kidding. And, I’m not just saying that because Hispanics are now the largest minority in America. I’m actually saying it because in another 50 years, they’ll have the numbers to be the dominant race in this country. Sorry, Matt & Trey…but, the correct answer was apparently “Catholic”. Not “Mormon”.

“Catholic”.

Rating:

But does it look like anything…?

50 cent’s new album is bound to go platinum. so formula 50 decided to go platinum too. not to be outdone, we are happy to announce the release of our own album, “hydrate or die tryin’.” all we need is one little shoutout at the MTV video music awards. suckaz be movin’ out of the way at them beverage conferences. plus, our drink has the nutrients you need to fuel you through the day. that’s just how we roll here in queens (NB: The Glacéau headquarters is located in Queens, New York).

—label on the bottle

In a world now chock full of health and energy drinks, the Glacéau company continues to stay competitive with its “vitaminwater” line, also supported by the “smartwater” and “fruitwater” varieties. For those of you unfamiliar with the “vitaminwater” product line, each of the 13 flavors, all of which contain electrolytes and a slew of vitamins, is named for its respective health benefit. For example, “energy”, the tropical-citrus flavor, contains guarana, ginseng and caffeine to provide an energy boost, while “defense”, the raspberry-apple flavor, contains zinc and extra Vitamin C to bolster the immune system.

“formula 50”, the grape flavor, claims that one 20-ounce bottle contains 50% of the daily recommended value of Vitamin C, Vitamin E, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin B12 and Vitamin B5. Essentially, you could drink two bottles of this stuff and you’d be set. The question is, would you even want to drink one…?

Prior to my testing of this beverage, I had only tried the lemonade-flavored “multi-v”, which I found to be light and refreshing, the orange-flavored “essential”, which I found to be bland and watered down, and the aforementioned “energy”, which was also pretty insipid. As far as “formula 50” is concerned, I liked it slightly less than the lemonade one and a little more than the other two. All of the “vitaminwater” varieties are sweetened with only crystalline fructose, as opposed to the sucrose syrup and high fructose corn syrup used to flavor rival beverages like Gatorade and Powerade. As a result, the sweetness is not as sharp, and for a lot of people it’s probably a lot easier to pound if you’re really thirsty. The grape flavoring is not overbearing, but at the same time it’s definitely prevalent. It’s probably not the most refreshing thing I could be drinking, as I recall the lemonade one was certainly superior there, as well as most of the Gatorade flavors. Moreover, drinking regular pure water is much crisper than any of them, and the same size bottle of pure water doesn’t contain 125 calories and 33 grams of sugar.

Save for the “multi-v”, I’m really not the biggest fan of what I’ve tried from the Glacéau line, and “formula 50” wasn’t the saving grace that it could’ve been. It isn’t as useless as the other two I’ve previously tried, but it’s just sort of there, like the drink equivalent of 3 Doors Down. They probably should’ve plugged it instead. Since this is supposed to geared towards health-conscious people, they’d more than likely ditch it due to the sugar and calorie counts. Plus, I honestly can’t see 50 Cent ever drinking this, whether it’s straight or mixed with Hypnotiq or Rémy Martin or whatever. The bottle doesn’t even look like 50 Cent, which was really disappointing. At the time of this review, Ryan T. Murphy and Mitch Michaels could not be reached for comment. Mathan Erhardt, on the other hand, said that this was the greatest thing he’s drank in the last 45 minutes, and proceeded to play his Cash Money instrumentals CD which he still claims is not an official Cash Money album.

Rating:

After watching the season finale of Entourage, sitting through my umpteenth viewing of Ray and almost looking forward to catching Walk the Line on HBO, I started seriously pondering who the next musician to get the biopic treatment should be.

I toyed with going the Hip Hop route, but Biggie’s career was too brief and Tupac’s life was all over the map. And don’t even get me started on pop culture unknowns like Big L or Big Pun.

I realized that this next subject really needs to have been a cultural icon and a pioneer.

Then it hit me; Liberace!

The guy has it all. First off, he’s dead, which is pretty important when looking for a subject of a biopic. That whole nostalgia factor will guarantee huge box office receipts.

He’s got a dead sibling; a twin who died at birth and a younger brother to died in the 80’s. So he’s got tragedy early in life and later in life. Tragedy it box office gold, just look at Titanic.

And while Ray Charles and Johnny Cash battled drug addiction, Liberace had an even more career threatening scandal; his homosexuality. Liberace was like the Tom Cruise of his day, only instead of Scientology speak, Liberace was into candelabras and bejeweled fingers. Plus let’s face it; homosexuality is a hot button topic.

Everyone can see how successful portraying the close minded 1950’s did amazing things for George Clooney with Good Night and Good Luck (which actually featured Liberace). Imagine if the focus was on a closeted celebrity at his peak? It’s gangbusters!

I’m not even going to delve too deep into the merchandising aspects of this film. Suffice it to say; flamboyance will be back, with a vengeance.

Of course some people will say that Liberace has a diminished cultural presence, and to that I’d ask why so many MC’s reference him in their songs? Eminem, 50 Cent and even Big Pun reference the guy. So clearly he’s still an icon.

And there you have it. Liberace is like rolling Ray Charles, Johnny Cash and Tom Cruise all into one neat flashy package. What more could you ask for?

You know what I spend a lot of time doing?

Trying not to read the hip-hop rumors at this certain web-site. You know what site I’m talking about, the one that gets a billion hits a day because it’s got that damned rumors page.

I used to read them religiously. Part of my morning routine was to read the rumors page while I was eating my grits. I’d start reading about the mostly untrue private exploits of hip-hop’s biggest names and before I knew it I’d be on my last spoonful of buttery goodness.

The reason for my addiction is that I dug being ahead of the knowledge curve. I liked knowing ahead of time what other people wouldn’t know until months later. I like knowing who dissed who on a mixtape, since 90% of dissing happens on mixtapes that I don’t buy. I liked knowing who had gotten robbed when they had gone back to their hood. I liked knowing who had been seen courting a tranny.

…and according to the rumors many of your favorite male rappers like women with Adam’s apples….

I liked knowing who was allegedly boning Mariah Carey, Mya, and Lindsay Lohan. I was plugged into an imaginary world of fist-fights and sex-tapes, and I loved every bit of it.

Then one day, it all became very, very ugly.

It wasn’t any one particular piece of gossip that did it…It was the realization that enjoying the personal lives of artists in this way is a little creepy. Just as creepy as the masses of disengaged folks that live by entertainment news magazines and the E! Network. It reinforces the pop-culture notion that celebrities aren’t real people.

The only reason I’m really interested in whether or not Lloyd Banks is a raging homosexual is because our media outlets, in conjunction with his record company and management, have created an image of him in my mind that would make it shocking if he were. Did you notice that when that boy band guy came out of the closet, people hardly raised an eyebrow?

Honestly, if Lloyd Banks enjoys taking it up the pooper every now and then, that’s his own damned business. Me, the rest of the world, and that unnamed web-site should stay out of it.

It’s easy for me to read about his life choices now with no regard for his personal feelings on the matter. But what happens when my music gains a little notoriety? I certainly won’t think it’s anyone’s business what me, my wife, and a stuffed alligator like to do in the confines of our own bedroom.

In other words….

…support underground hip-hop.

Open Mike Eagle.