The Chrononaut Chronicles: TNA iMPACT! — Thursday, September 7, 2006
– We begin with a video package recapping Jeff Jarrett’s “public execution” and phone call from Jim Cornette last week before going to Jeremy Borash backstage with Double J himself. Eric Young pops up with his hair dyed black (the result of an encounter with a lady, a deck of cards, and some alcohol) and offers to help the NWA World Champion pass his lie-detector test tonight if Jeff helps him keep his job. Sounds fair. Eric explains that his Uncle Leo has never failed a polygraph test and he knows all the tricks, so Jarrett walks off with Young as we go to the usual Impact opening. Jarrett actually displayed some good personality here I thought, although it definitely helped to be playing off of wrestling’s best wrestler/interviewer duo in EY and JB.
– The Ultimate X structure is set up around the ring for the entire show to hype the first-ever Tag Team Ultimate X at No Surrender.
– Non-Title: Latin American eXchange vs. The Mack Brothers (Kirby & TJ)
Moody Jack Melendez does the Spanish introductions for the NWA World Tag Team Champions with Konnan as Hernandez wears his title belt hanging out of his wifebeater. Total massacre of TNA’s version of the Hardy Boyz or the Cole Twins (depending on how you look at them) as Hernandez plants TJ with the Crackerjack and the Border Toss while Homicide drills Kirby with the Gringo Killa for the double pin, which Tenay actually explains used to be called the Cop Killa. You know what would be cool? If LAX spraypainted the outlines of their opponents’ defeated carcasses on the mat like it was a murder scene.
Afterwards, Konnan complains that LAX aren’t even on the No Surrender poster because they weren’t expected to come so far, but the Phenomenal Angels race out and drive the champs out of the ring. Daniels scampers up to the center of the Ultimate X and Styles hands him one of the tag belts to hang while the crowd chants “You can’t get it”. Good stuff, that match should be awesome.
– The polygraph expert is shown getting the lie detector ready backstage.
– Elsewhere, Jim Cornette is walking down a hallway (WALKING) when referee Slick Johnson runs up to deliver a cup of coffee in an effort to kiss up. I did laugh at Slick’s celebration after Cornette accepted the coffee… sorry.
– A vignette airs featuring Bobby Roode meeting with Bobby Heenan in a limousine. The Brain lists all of the legends he’s managed throughout his career and promises to do the same for Roode as he gives the former Canadian Enforcer some real estate literature, his business card, and an envelope full of Canadian money. Roode thanks the Hall Of Fame manager and says he’ll get back to him. Really good to see the Brain on TV again.
– Backstage at the Impact Zone, Borash is standing by with Chris Sabin, Sonjay Dutt, & Jay Lethal as they watch Jackass 2. Jerry “X Division Dad” Lynn happens upon the scene and scolds the kids for not concentrating on their upcoming matches, but they explain that they’re getting some ideas from the film and Jerry walks off as we all watch a scene of some idiot getting hit by a bull and the X boys mark out. Yeah, that’ll make me want to see that movie. Interesting way of using a promotional tie-in to give these guys some personality though.
– Maverick Matt & Kazarian & America’s Most Wanted vs. Norman Smiley & Shark Boy & The James Gang
I’m not sure who’s getting the rub on the face side, but who would have thought we’d see the New Age Outlaws captaining a Job Squad? Tenay talks about a Triple Chance tag team battle royal (whatever that is) at No Surrender as BG tries to do his usual micwork, but AMW attack the Jameses from behind to kick off the match. Kip dominates James Storm and tags BG, who uncorks a nice seated dropkick for a two-count. Sharky tags himself and Sharkbites the Cowboy for a one-count. They both tag out and Smiley stops Chris Harris in his tracks with his magic hand and sets him up for the Big Wiggle as the crowd chants “Norman”, but Matt breaks it up. The Jameses take Bentley & Kazarian out to ringside and brawl while Storm superkicks Norman and tosses Sharky to the floor. Meanwhile, Harris covers Smiley for the pin. Afterwards, Storm confronts Harris for stealing his pin and they argue until the Wildcat flips the double-bird and storms off, just like the Cowboy did to him three weeks ago.
– Borash is backstage with Jeff Jarrett as the lie-detector test is about to begin and questions the NWA Champion’s decision to accept Eric Young’s guidance, but JJ asks JB how many polygraphs he’s passed and does the “eye-to-eye” hand signal with Eric. Eric interrupts the preliminary base questions and advises Jeff he can plead “the Fifth Commandment” when asked if he is the NWA World Heavyweight Champion. JB thinks the test might take longer than they thought. Funny segment.
– A video feature on the Naturals airs with a prerecorded Mike Tenay interview with Shane Douglas. Tenay notes that the Naturals will have to contend with seven other teams in the Triple Chance battle royal at No Surrender, and the Franchise states that if the Nats don’t win, he may end his “experiment” with them. This upsets Chase & Andy, who insist they’ve done everything Shane has requested. “…except win” says Shane as we go to an ad break that features the Gayest Commercial Ever for Wrangler Jeans. Seriously, they keep showing closeups of guys’ asses while the lines “Built Strong” and “Built Right” flash on the screen. Unless maybe this is supposed to be an ironic spoof on the usual jeans ads with hot sexy chicks in them.
– “A Starr Is Born” on October 22nd at Bound For Glory.
– An awesome video feature shows clips of Raven dressed in an all-white suit with a cane (the Anti-Mitchell?) as he uses a Dr. Frankenstein analogy to explain that Runt was one of his creations in the ’90s, so he got involved in his issue with Abyss because he didn’t give the Monster permission to play with his favorite creation. Whoa, that’s like metatextual or something, since Raven apparently did come up with the Dudleys gimmick in ECW. Raven vows to carve Abyss open in a Hangman’s Horror match next week on Impact and promises chains, collars, handcuffs, and an overdose of the Raven Effect. Sounds like an S&M session, but who’s Dom and who’s sub? “Short trip, bad landing. Quote the Raven, nevermore.”
– Christian Cage vs. Ron “The Truth” Killings
Unless it was piped in, Christian gets a great heel reaction as clips of last week’s pullapart brawl are shown. They slug it out to start and Cage grabs a wristlock, but Killings kips up out of it and decks him with the spinning forearm off the ropes. Truth chokeslams (!) Christian and chokes him on the mat to show a mean streak, then hits a leg lariat. Christian scrambles up to the top, but Truth dropkicks him off the turnbuckles and follows out to the floor with a slingshot plancha as we go to break.
When we come back, Christian is stomping Truth in the ring as we see Cage taking the advantage during the break with a thumb to the eye and an inverted tornado DDT. Cage mocks the Truth and drops him with the inverted-DDT backbreaker on the knee for a two-count before choking him over the middle rope by standing on the back of his neck. Killings fights out of a neckvice, but eats a back-elbow for two and Christian applies the dreaded chinlock, which looks snug and actually fits the psychology of the match rather than just being a resthold. Killings goes to the top and Cage meets him up there, but Truth knocks him down to the mat and dives with a guillotine legdrop for a near-fall. Truth unloads with clotheslines and a falling Stunner, but Christian kicks out and hooks him up for the Unprettier. Truth escapes and rolls up Cage for another near-fall, but Christian ducks a Harlem Sidekick and clotheslines him. The idiot commentators totally ignore Christian’s imitation of Rhino in the corner before he Gores the Truth for a close near-fall. Cage bumps into the ref and Truth slams Cage with a Sky High bomb, but the ref takes too long to count and Cage kicks out. As the ref is still getting up, Christian kicks Truth in the pingpongs and plants him with the Unprettier for the 1-2-3. Really good TV match with a great heel smirk by Christian at the camera before he Unprettiered Killings.
Afterwards, Christian retrieves two chairs to perform a one-man Conchairto on Truth, but Rhino makes the save and Cage runs like a chickenshit bitch. Rhino claims that Christian ended their 10-year friendship two weeks ago and challenges him to a match at No Surrender, promising to cut Christian in half with the GORE! GORE!! GORE!!!
– Borash is backstage to announce that Jeff Jarrett has answered every question. Jarrett is confident and promises Eric Young “a job for life” for his help, even sending out a thank-you to Uncle Leo in Saskatoon. The NWA Champion brags about the hiatus he’ll receive to train for Bound For Glory and heads off with Eric, but when the old Lie-Detector Dude walks out of the room, he just shakes his head.
– A video package hypes the Tag Team Ultimate X by showing highlights from other Ultimate X matches.
– Jim Cornette is in the ring and books the Rhino/Christian match for No Surrender. Cornette recaps the polygraph backstory and brings out Jeff Jarrett, who has Eric Young by his side and looks very confident. Cornette claims that some pathological liars can beat the lie-detector test before announcing that Jarrett passed the first two questions, regarding Christian and Earl Hebner. The first I believe and it’s important since Cage acted on his own, but I wonder how they’ll explain the second. Or maybe that “pathological liar” bit was the explanation. However, when JJ was asked about Larry Zbyszko, Cornette stated that the polygraph said he’s “a damn liar”. Eric runs away as the crowd chants “Jeff’s a liar” and Cornette announces that at No Surrender, he’s putting Jarrett in a non-title bout since it wouldn’t be fair to cheat Sting out of his Bound For Glory match. Cornette explains that there will be fans surrounding the ring with leather straps as Jeff wrestles… SAMOA FUCKING JOE. Joe appears from the heel entrance tunnel and stands menacingly on the stage brandishing his own leather strap as Cornette leads the fans in a “Joe’s Gonna Kill You” chant.
– The usual “Adrenaline Rush” video recap closes the show, with the last face we see being Samoa Joe.
Afterthoughts: I thought this was a good show, better than last week’s, with a solid Christian/Truth match-up, funny Young/Jarrett segments, a Heenan appearance, and a killer squash. Looking forward to Raven/Abyss next week and No Surrender is shaping up to be a really kick-ass PPV. Joe in the main event is tremendous, even if it is non-title. I’m back on board, TNA, don’t f*ck it up.
