WEEK ONE PICKS!!
If you read my prediction for Thursday’s Steelers/Dolphins game, you’ll know I’m batting 1000. Everything happened just the way I said it would. The Dolphins lost because they couldn’t keep Willie Parker under 100 yards, and they couldn’t stop the Steelers from busting a big pass play. I’m expecting to go at least 15-0 this weekend.
As I mentioned, we’re moving in a much more real-time direction here at IP. And whatever way the wind is blowing, let it not be said that I don’t also blow. I’m unveiling an entirely new format here for Week 1, which will provide you with 2 olid days of new and very frequently updated material.
Today, Saturday, I preview the early games on Sunday. This should give you a whole day to ruminate and reflect on the brilliantness of my predictions.
Sunday, I present my almost quasi real-time musings on the opening day of the NFL season. I’ll be posting hourly updates from I wake up, which, believe you me, will be in time for the 2 hour pregame crapfest, to when the afternoon games end (one of these postings will include my previews of the afternoon and night games), and a wrapup of the Sunday Night Vikings/Redskins game that will go up as soon as that game finishes. So keep checking in throughout the day, I’ll be your very own football buddy. Feel free to email me with any thoughts that occur to you during your 6 hours of football watching bliss too, and we’ll address them in the hourly postings.
RAVENS AT BUCCANEERS
Know how many games the Ravens won on the road last year? 0. All the Steve McNairs in the world wouldn’t be enough to make me pick them on the road against the defending NFC South champions. Baltimore’s defense is most effective against a team that relies heavily on the pass, and that ain’t the Bucs. Cadillac gets 55 carries and the Bucs win.
BUCS 17, RAVENS 10
FALCONS AT PANTHERS
The Panthers pimp slapped the Falcons twice last year, outscoring them 68-17. Steve Smith has a couple of sore hamstrings, but through a regimen of intense deep groin massages he should be able to answer the bell. The way to beat the Panthers is to capitalize on the difficulties they have running the ball. Atlanta’s got one of the worst run defenses in the league, so that leaves them as losers here.
PANTHERS 24, FALCONS 20
BRONCOS AT RAMS
Quick, do you remember who coached the Rams the last half of the 2005 season? Of course you don’t. It was somebody named Joe Vitt. Scott Linehan is their coach now, and he makes his debut against a Broncos team that is a lot easier to beat when they’re not at Mile High than when they are. Nevertheless, the Rams gave up 4.7 yards a carry last year, the Broncos averaged that same amount. Add those numbers up, and the Broncos get a road win in a tough place to get one.
BRONCOS 21, RAMS 20
BILLS AT PATRIOTS
I’m not a big believer in the 2006 Patriots, but you can’t begrudge them the fact that they get to play the Bills and Jets twice. Belichick will be all like “Watch Reche Caldwell go for 150 yards, how you like me now Deion Branch, they should call you Deion BITCH”, and the Patriots roll.
PATRIOTS 23, BILLS 14
EAGLES AT TEXANS
New Texans coach Gary Kubiak and I both belong to the elite fraternity of former NFL ballboys. So a fine Quoranom Valoris Mahok to Brother Gary. Unfortunately for Kubiak, departing GM Charlie Casserly did the equivalent of crapping in his backpack when, in his last act as GM, he decided not to draft Reggie Bush. Now they’ve got Wali Lundy at running back. It’s a shite state of affairs, and all the fresh air in the world won’t make any f*cking difference. Kubiak will likely run the ball between 40 and 100 times, which will keep the score close, but not close enough to win.
EAGLES 19, TEXANS 17
SAINTS AT BROWNS
I love that new E-Harmony commercial where they show that couple where the guy is a Steelers fan, and the girl is a Browns fan. It’s basically 30 seconds of the guy talking about how bad the Browns suck, and the Browns fan girl agreeing with him, basically saying that her team is lifeless. Because of this, I pick the Browns.
BROWNS 16, SAINTS 14
SEAHAWKS AT LIONS
ESPN apparently is running Madden 07 simulations of each game on their website, and the Lions won this matchup. I tried the same thing with my Madden 07, with me being the Lions. My simulation predicts the Lions will throw 4 interceptions and get sacked 6 times, then quit playing midway thru the second quarter.
SEAHAWKS 22, LIONS 17
JETS AT TITANS
Jeff Fisher is going to go with a mystery quarterback for this game, I bet it’s Road Warrior Animal. You have to love a league where teams as bad as the Browns and Titans can both win their season opener.
TITANS 20, JETS 12
BENGALS AT CHIEFS
And this is your marquee matchup as far as the early games go, and it may be the best matchup of the entire weekend. The Chiefs are lethal at Arrowhead, and the Bengals defense isn’t anywhere near capable of keeping Larry Johnson in check . LJ goes for 140 yards and the Chiefs win by a field goal.
CHIEFS 27, BENGALS 24
So there you have it, go ahead and call your guy. You would not believe the sheer girth of statistical inputs that went into arriving at these picks. They’re bulletproof. Like I said, check back throughout the day tomorrow, I’ll have lots of fun stuff waiting for you. NFL analysis, games, activities, word jumbles, a maze, sudoku, it’s all there for you. See you tomorrow!
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SUNDAY
I woke up early today to cover the pregame shows, and I had a whole writeup done on them, and what do you know, for some reason my Word program goes batshit and most of what I wrote is now random squares and other heiroglyphs. Don’t that just beat all.
Anyway, here’s the highlights of what I saw between 10 and 12 this morning
-Berman got a haircut. I wish my high definition television allowed me to reach thru the television screen and punch him in the face.
– Kenny Mayne now has the most jacked up hairdo I’ve ever seen in my life.
– James Brown is on CBS now, making Joe Buck the new JB on the FOX show. JB looks skinner than Lindsay Lohan when he’s standing next to Howie Long.
– Steve Smith will NOT play today. He is out.
– Jeff Fisher has named his starter at QB. Kerry Collins will be it.
– Line of the day on the pregame shows goes to Ditka, who said, “Reggie Bush is no Mario Williams, Thank God.”
– Common themes on the pregame shows were features on Carson Palmer’s rehab from his knee injury, and the mandatory 15 minute fellating of Brett Favre.
So there you go. I’m posting again around 1:30ish (2:30 East, 11:30 Pacific), to recap first half action from the early games, and I’ll also drop my picks for the afternoon games on you then. Until then.
FIRST HALF, EARLY GAMES
12.30- We’re about halfway thru the first quarter of the early games, and already we’ve got some surprises.
– The magical, enchanted Tom Brady fumbled, and London Fletcher scooped it up and ran it into the end zone to give the Bills a 7-0 lead over New England in Foxboro. The Pats came right back to tie it on a 9 yard pass from Brady to Troy Brown, but Ryan Lindell has just put the Bills back ahead 10-7. Laurence Maroney has 2 carries, one for 27 yards, one for 22 yards.
– David Carr looks like a revelation in the first quarter against Philly. He’s 7 of 8 for 74 yards and has a 25 yard TD pass to Eric Moulds.
– The Ravens are up 7-0 early on the road against Tampa thanks to 34 yards and a TD from Jamal Lewis. Baltimore was 0-8 on the road last year.
12:45 UPDATE
– Philly has tied up Houston on a 42 yard TD pass from McNabb to Donte Stallworth. I totally forgot the Eagles even have Donte Stallworth.
– Chris McAllister picked off Chris Simms and took it 60 yards to paydirt, and the Ravens are housing the Bucs 14-0 early in the second quarter.
-Dick Jauron’s Bears, I mean Bills, are stunning the Patriots on the road. The undead Anthony “A-Train” Thomas’ 18 yard TD run has put them up 17-7. JP Losman is 7 of 8 for 79 yards.
– Kevan Barlow’s 1 yard TD run has given the Jets a 7-0 lead at Tennessee.
– Shaun Alexander is Madden Cover Jinxing all over himself. He’s got 16 yards on 8 carries and has coughed it up twice. The Seahawks trail at Detroit 3-0 with nine minutes left in the first half.
1.00 UPDATE
– Vince Young’s thrown his first NFL pass, a completion to Drew Bennett for a first down.
– Vince Young has thrown his first NFL interception.
– As for Reggie Bush, he looks REAL good. With 11 minutes left in the 1st quarter at Cleveland,he’s got 38 yards on 6 carries, plus 2 catches for 13 yards.
– Rudi Johnson is running wild in KC. He has a 22 yard TD run, and 63 yards on 11 carries. The Bengals lead it at the 2 minute warning, 10-3.
– St. Louis has 3 Jeff Wilkins field goals, and they are pitching a shutout at home against Denver, leading 9-0.
– Cincinnati is having prison sex with the Chiefs right now. Kenny Watson’s 8 yard run has put them up 17-3 at Arrowhead.
1.15 UPDATE
As we near halftime of the early games, I realize every single one of my picks for these games is wrong right now. But what you DON’T know..is that I did that on purpose! I was just f*cking with all of you when I posted my picks yesterday! It’s all part of my diabolical plan. Moooo hooo ha ha ha!!
Most of the games are near or at the half, so let’s run em down.
– Cleveland has 22 yards passing, and 28 yards rushing. Fittingly, they have 0 points. New Orleans leads them 9-0, and Reggie Bush is on pace to get 100 yards in his debut (51 yards on 10 carries as I type this)
– Andre Dyson has 2 interceptions for the Jets against his old team, one of them coming against Vince Young. The Jets lead the Titans 7-0 behind 170 first half passing yards for Chad Pennington, and they’re knockin on the door again in the waning seconds of the first half.
– The Rams are dominating the Broncos in St. Louis, thanks to their defense? Oh, it’s true, they lead 12-0 a the 2 minute warning.
– Chris Simms has had a nightmarish first half (7-15, 2 INTS), and the Ravens lead the Bucs 14-0 and have the ball on the Tampa 2.
– And the fantasy breakout player of week one is….Dante Stallworth. The former Saint, now Eagle, has 124 first half receiving yards. Donovan McNabb has thrown for 2 TDs and 191 yards in the first half, giving the Eagles a 14-10 lead over the Texans.
– Shaun Alexander should get checked for ticks and fleas, because he’s been screwin the pooch. 25 yards on 10 carries, and 2 fumbles. Josh Brown has missed 2 field goal attempts for the Hawks, and somehow they still lead Detroit 6-3 at the half.
– Trent Green is currently in the locker room at Arrowhead, crying on his cell phone to Dick Vermiel. The Chiefs are getting killed by the Bengals 17-3.
– Chris Berman predicted the Patriots are going to the Super Bowl. They are showing how much Chris Berman knows about football by getting their asses kicked by the BILLS at HOME.. 17-3.
– No Steve Smith=No Offense for Carolina. Jake Delhomme is 4 of 8 for 27 yards, and the Falcons lead in Carolina 13-3 after a 34 yard TD pass from Michael Vick to Michael Jenkins. Warrick Dunn has 90 yards on 14 carries.
Aaaand were up to speed at the half. Time for me to get a sangwich.
1.45 UPDATE
– Walter Jones limped off the field in the Seahawks/Lions game. This game is sucking on a lot of levels for the Hawks, but they still hold on to a 6-3 lead.
– Denver got on the board with a TD run by Mike Bell, they go into the locker room trailing the Rams 12-7.
– The Chiefs fans sound like they are ready to catapult Herm Edwards back to whence he came. They are booing lustily as the Chiefs are getting it handed to them at home. Larry Johnson has 44 yards on 10 carries.
– Brian Westbrook took a screen pass 31 yards to the end zone and puts the Eagles up 21-10 at Houston.
2.00 UPDATE
– Cleveland’s tightened things up at home against the Saints thanks to an 18 yard TD pass from Charlie Frye to Kellen Winslow. They now trail 9-7 midway thru quarter 3. Drew Brees is just 9 of 20 for 73 yards and an INT in his NOLA debut.
– The Patriots are trying desperatley to save themselves from total embarassment against the Bills. Tom Brady’s 18 yard TD connection to Kevin Faulk has pulled them to within 3 at 17-14.
– Make it 5 field goals for Jeff Wilkins. The Rams now lead the Broncos 15-7. Tatum Bell and Mike Bell have split carries, but Tatum has 45 more yards.
– Baltimore is pouring it on in Tampa. They now lead 20-0. Cadillac Williams is having one of his bad days. He has just 22 yards on 8 carries.
2.15 UPDATE
– Trent Green has gone to the bench with an injury, and Damon Huard is in for KC. Thus fulfilling local Chicago radio douchebag Harry Teinowitz’s prediction that “Trent Green is going to have a huge day”.
– Former Minnesota North Stars goalie Jon Kasay’s 46 yard field goal has pulled the Steve Smith-less Panthers within one score of Atlanta. They now trail 13-6 with 6 minutes left in the 3rd quarter in Charlotte.
– Reggie Bush has gone over 100 yards from scrimmage in game 1. He’s got 68 rushing, 42 receiving. The Saints are on Cleveland’s 12 yard line, looking to add to their 9-7 lead.
2.30 UPDATE
– Make it 3 picks for Chris Simms. Ed Reed just gave him the Golden Sombrero.
– New England’s tied up the Bills on a Stephen Gostkowski field goal, as Deion Branch and his agent look on and light cigars with $100 bills. And now, as I bang this out, Ty Warrent has sacked JP Losman in the end zone for a safety, putting the Pats up 19-17 with 8:33 left to play.
– David Akers 42 yard field goal gives Houston a 2 TD lead over Houston. McNabb has 3 TD passes and is closing in on 300 yards for the day.
– Michael Vick’s 1 yard pass to Alge Crumpler gives Atlanta a 20-6 lead at Carolina with a little under 14 minutes left. Warrick Dunn has 120 yards on 22 carries for the Falcons.
– The Browns are trying to get back into it at home against the Saints. They have 2nd and goal with 11.39 remaining, traling 16-7.
– Steve McNair’s thrown his first TD pass a Raven, a 4 yard pass to Daniel Wilcox. The Ravens are de-balling the Bucs, 27-0.
– Denver’s hanging around at St. Louis. Jason Elam’s field goal has pulled them to 15-10.
– Not a good day for two fantasy Superbacks. Shaun Alexander has 39 yards on 15 carries, Larry Johnson 68 yards on 17 carries. Johnson does have 67 receiving yards though, but his performance is still not near what fantasy players are used to getting from him.
2.45 UPDATE
– The tightest game going right now is Seahawks/Lions. We’re at the 2 minute warning and the score is still knotted at 6. Seattle’s got the ball on their own 35 yard line.
– Tennessee has come back from a 16 point deficit with a pair of TDs and 2 point conversions. Both TDs were scored by Travis Henry, who has 2 scores despite only 22 yards on 9 carries. There’s a little under 6 minutes remaining in that one.
– Philadelphia’s about ready to ice the Texans. They have the ball deep in Houston territory with a 24-10 lead, and less than 2 minutes remaining. 314 yards and 3 TDs for McNabb. Brian Westbrook has 132 yards from scrimmage and a TD, and Dante Stallworth has 141 yards and a TD. Andre Johnson has 101 receiving yards for Houston.
– Jeff Wilkins has hit his SIXTH field goal of the day, giving the Rams 8 points of breathing room over the Broncos with 6 1/2 minutes left.
3.00 UPDATE
– We’ve got some finals rolling in:
– The Seahawks escaped Ford Field by the skin of their beaks. A 42 yard Josh Brown field goal with time running out gives the Hawks a 9-6 win over the Lions. Matt Hasselbeck was sacked 4 times in this game, and Shaun Alexander was held to 51 yards. Bobby Engram led Seattle with 52 receiving yards. Jon Kitna was 21 of 37 for 229 yards in his Detroit debut. The Lions averaged an anemic 2.2 yards per rushing attempt.
-It was a close call, but the Patriots are also 1-0. Vince Wilfork’s safety holds up as the winning score, and the Pats top Buffalo 19-17. Laurence Maroney and Corey Dillon combine for 159 yards on 33 carries. Willis McGahee had 70 yards on 20 attempts for Buffalo.
– The Ravens demolition of Tampa Bay is over. 27-0 Baltimore. Jamal Lewis had 78 yards and a TD.
– Philly’s game is a final, a relatively easy 24-10 road win against the Texans. Wali Lundy leads Houston with 32 rushing yards. 2 tackles for Mario Williams.
3.15 UPDATE
As the early games wind down, we’ve got 3 afternoon games to contemplate.
BEARS AT PACKERS
I use this spreadsheet model to predict the games. For some reason, this model always hated the Bears, and loved the Packers last year. It feels the same way this year. While last year, I would just shake my fist at it and say, “Whatsammata You” to the model, this year, I think it might be on to something. The Bears have serious issues on offense, and the Packers aren’t as bad as they looked last year. I think Green Bay opens the season with an upset win.
PACKERS 19, BEARS 14
COWBOYS AT JAGUARS
At some point this season, I want to see TO sidle up to Parcells on the sideline, and give him a hellacious titty twister. Probably not today though, I’m thinking sometime around Week 7. Today, the Cowboys struggle to stop the Jaguar running game, and lose in Jacksonville.
JAGUARS 21, COWBOYS 17
49ERS AT CARDINALS
I like the direction the Niners are headed in, but at this point they’re still bad. Fitzgerald and Boldin shred their secondary and the Cardinals win the first game in their new nest.
CARDINALS 20, NINERS 13
– The rest of the early games are going final.
– The Rams are taking a knee against the Broncos, and they are going to win their opener 18-10. Stephen Jackson was unstoppable in this game, 121 yards on 22 carries. Tatum and Mike Bell combined for 161 yards on 25 carries in a losing cause. The calls for Jay Cutler are going to get real loud real fast, as Jake Plummer was 13 of 26 and was picked off 3 times today.
– Sean Payton wins his head coaching debut, as New Orleans wins 19-14 at Cleveland. Deuce McAllister and Reggie Bush combine for 151 yards on 36 carries.
– Cincinnati dominates the Chiefs in KC 23-10. Trent Green does a stretcher job. Carson Palmer passed for only 127 yards. Tony Gonzalez scored the Chiefs only touchdown on a pass from Damon Huard.
– The Titans have it deep in Jets territory and are trying to tie it, down 7 with 46 seconds left. Chad Pennington has passed for 319 yards, and his TD pass to Chris Baker is the difference right now.
AND THAT’S A WRAP..for about an hour and a half. I’m going to put on my fan hat now and watch the Bears and Packers. It’s a nice hat. It has a big f*cking feather in it. I’ll see ya around 4.30 ish.
4.30 UPDATE
The afternoon games are nearing halftime, and I am nearing naptime. As has happened more often than not the last couple of months, my White Sox have cast a pall on my day by playing like shit, and losing. They and the Tigers are in a 2 horse race toward postseason oblivion, and unfortunately the Sox have a 3 1/2 game head start.
Meanwhile, back on the gridiron, here’s what’s gone on in the late afternoon tilts.
– The Bears are rolling over the Packers at Lambeau. They lead Green Bay 16-0, and were it not for a Rex Grossman interception thrown in the Packer end zone, it would be more. This is despite the fact that the Packers have not thrown an incomplete pass the entire half. Brett Favre has been sacked 3 times though, and Noah Herron lost a fumble deep in Packer territory on a kickoff. Grossman has had a nice half, completing 12 of 16 for 184 yards, and a 49 yard TD strike to Bernard Berrian. Muhsin Muhammad leads Chicago with 66 receiving yards, and Thomas Jones has 54 yards on the ground. Robbie Gould has 3 field goals for the Bears.
– San Francisco has no answer for the Cardinals’ passing attack. Kurt Warner has a pair of TD passes, one to Anquan Boldin (who has only 6 yards so far), and one to Troy Walters. Larry Fitzgerald has 73 receiving yards. Frank Gore has been huge for the Niners, he has 120 combined rushing and receiving yards, and a TD. Vernon Davis has the other Niners TD, but the Cardinals lead it 24-14. Edgerrin James, like every running back the Cardinals have had in recent years, is struggling. He has only 25 yards on 13 carries, but he does have a TD run.
– Terrell Owens pisses all over the concept of training camp by leading the Cowboys with 45 receiving yards in the first half at Jacksonville. Quarterbacks Drew Bledsoe and Byron Leftwich, both of whom had the benefit of summer practice, have been erratic. Leftwich has just thrown a 6 yard TD pass to Reggie Williams to tie this one up at 10 seconds before the half.
6.30 UPDATE
All the afteroon games have just gone final:
– If today was a good indicator of what the next 15 outings hold for the Packers, it’s going to be a long, miserable season in Wisconsin. The Bears went into Lambeau and dominated them in every possible way. We’re talking bring out the gimp type of stuff here. Even Rex Grossman looked good. The Bears took their foot off the gas in the second half, but they still got an 84 yard punt return TD by rookie Devin Hester to finish off the Packers 26-0. TE Desmond Clark had a big game, with 5 catches for 77 yards. Ahman Green looked good in his first game back from a torn quad, rushing for 110 yards on 20 carries against a good defense. Brett Favre- bad. He was 15 of 29 for 170 and 2 picks. I’m anticipating an ongoing drama in Green Bay this year with a “Will they or won’t they bench him?” storyline.
– Arizona held on to make the opening of their new stadium a happy one, winning a 34-27 shootout over the Niners. Kurt Warner threw for 301 yards and 3 TDs. Larry Fitzgerald was his favorite target, with 9 catches for 133 yards, but no TDs. The Niners looked much improved on offense. Alex Smith was 23 of 40 for 288 and a TD. Frank Gore ran for 87 and 2 touchdowns, and had 83 receiving yards. New #1 wideout Antonio Bryant had a big day, with 114 yards on 4 catches. Edgerrin James had a so-so debut with Arizona, rushing 26 times for 73 yards and a TD.
– After falling behind 10-0 in the first quarter, the Jags sank their teeth into the Cowboys and didn’t let go. Drew Bledsoe struggled, completing less than half of his pass attempts, and the Cowboys struggled to get the running game untracked. Fred Taylor’s 5 yard TD run in the 4th quarter gave the Jags a 10 point lead. TO’s Dallas debut went very well, he had 6 catches for 80 yards, and caught a late TD pass to provide the game’s final score.
So what’s my take on tonight’s Manning Bowl on NBC??
COLTS AT GIANTS
The Colts have more bad mojo going right now than a mirror-breaking factory built on an Indian burial ground. What happened to them at the end of last season qualifies as a meltdown, and things have gotten worse since, with the departure of Edgerrin James and many key defensive players leaving a lot of unanswered questions. The Giants, meanwhile, also have a lot to prove after getting shut out at home in last year’s playoffs. The Giants will win if they can keep the Colts’ offense off the field, and with Tiki Barber, they have just the guy to do it. The media may see this as a matchup of Peyton v. Eli, and if that were the case, the Colts would win easily. In reality, it’s more a match of Tiki Barber vs. the Colts defense, and because of that, I like the Giants.
GIANTS 27, COLTS 24
8.45 UPDATE
– We’re at halftime at the Meadowlands and the Colts are in control, leading the Giants 16-7. Oddly enough, it’s been the Colts, despite their complete inability to run the ball, who have been playing keep away from the Giants, who are running the ball at will with Tiki Barber. The key has been third downs. The Colts have kept the chains moving, converting 9 out of 11 third down opportunities. Peyton Manning has been coming up big when it counts, and has gotten lucky in that the Giants have dropped a couple of near interceptions. Peyton has thrown for 196 yards and a TD to Dallas Clark in the first half. Eli is 9 of 15 for 128, and has a 34 yard touchdown pass to Plaxico Burress.
Tiki Barber has picked where he left off last year, he has averaged 5.4 yards on 10 carries. Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne have combined for 127 yards on 9 catches.
10.45 UPDATE
– The Manning Bowl is over, and we’re all still here. Life goes on. The Colts get out of Jersey with a 26-21 win, but it was far from convicing. Game 1 of the post-Edgerrin James era saw them average 2.4 yards per carry. The defense, meanwhile, was shredded by Tiki Barber and Brandon Jacobs to the tune of 164 yards on 26 carries. The tough pass rush they had last year was absolutely nowhere to be found. Still, the Colts won because the Giants couldn’t stop screwing up. They were flagged for 10 penalties, they turned it over at a couple of very inopportune times, and their defense on third down was atrocious. Then, trying to drive for a touchdown in the games waning minute with no timeouts, they managed the clock so bad that if the computer did as badly in Madden football, you’d be all like “What the f*ck is wrong with this AI??” Give credit to the Colts though, they played far from their best game, and still managed to beat one of the best the NFC has to offer on the road.
That’s it for today. Hope you enjoyed the new format, I did. Check back tomorrow night for previews and commentary for the Two Headed Monday Night Monster, which features one game where I won’t be home in time for the first half, and one game where I won’t be able to stay up late enough to see the second half. Awesome idea NFL.
MONDAY UPDATE
7.30 PM
Sorry I didn’t get to post my Monday Night predictions before kickoff tonight. Unfortunately this isn’t my real job.
I did catch some of the pregame while I was on the bike at the gym. Apparently ESPN and the NFL thinks football fans love freak shows, because the two images stuck in my head are Tom Cruise and Little Richard. What, you may, ask, was TomKat doing strolling around FedEx Field before the game? Well, Dan Snyder is now Tom Cruise’s new patrone..he invested heavily in Cruise and his production company after he was dropped by Paramount, so that explains why you saw Cruise on the field. See, Tom Cruise likes football! Just like normal people! He’s normal, like you!
Anyway, here’s my predictions for tonight, even though the first one is slightly belated.
VIKINGS AT REDSKINS
The Redskins are sick of hearing how much they suck after an 0-4 preseason. They don’t have a healthy Clinton Portis, but they have a tough defense that’s going to keep Chester Taylor from running the ball effectively, and make Brad Johnson rely on his suspect receiving corps. I think the Redskins win, and win convincingly.
REDSKINS 23, VIKINGS 14
CHARGERS AT RAIDERS
So instead of giving us one good Monday Night game, they give us two shitty ones? I’m not privy to the behind the scenes maneuvering of the NFL and it’s partner networks, but me thinks the NFL is pissed off royal at Disney for moving MNF off ABC and onto cable. They’ve clamped down on the use of their name and their highlights, leaving ESPN doing weird things like the “NFL Blitz” themed Sportscenter that replaced NFL Primetime, and they stuck ESPN with two shitty games for their Monday Night debut, while NBC gets the much coveted Manning Bowl for their Sunday Night debut. Anywho, the Raiders are like little bitches for the rest of the AFC West, they never win division games. Maybe that will change now that Art Shell is their coach, but it’s not going to change tonight.
CHARGERS 24, RAIDERS 17
So how’s our early MNF game going so far? The Vikings went right down the field on their first drive, and Chester Taylor punched it in from 4 yards out to give them an early lead. Then they boofed up the extra point, and it’s been downhill since then. Joe Gibbs has gotten creative with his play calling, giving the ball on handoffs to Santana Moss three times, finding success on one of them. Ladell Betts and Portis have split carries, and have only 23 yards on 12 carries. Mark Brunell has been efficient though, the Redskin defense has stiffened after that first drive, and the Redskins lead 13-6. The Vikings are threatening to narrow the gap though, they have the ball on the Redskin 34 with 30 seconds remaining in the half.
9.30 UPDATE
Monday Night Game I is in the books, and the Vikings have topped Tom Cruise and the Redskins, 19-16. Remember when MC Hammer used to hang out on the Atlanta Falcons sidelines back in the early 90s? Well, now I guess Tom Cruise is the Redskins MC Hammer, except instead of being on the sidelines he’s in the press box with Dan Snyder. If that wasn’t the creepiest place on Earth about half an hour ago, I don’t know what was.
The Vikings won when John Hall blew a 40 some yard field goal in the waning seconds. There’s bigger problems afoot though. The catch on the first play of the closing drive was made by Santana Moss, right? I could’ve sworn that was Moss that caught that ball. NFL.com says Brandon Lloyd made it though. Both I and my brother saw with our own eyes that it was Santana Moss. WTF. Change it now. This is the difference between a win and a tie for me.
10.45 UPDATE
OK. They finally changed the game stats from the Vikings/Redskins game, and credited the catch to Santana Moss. I understand that may think all black folk look alike, but Christ they’ve got big giant numbers on their shirts, and their names on the back. Regardless, my fantasy teams win is official and I’m happy.
As for the Chargers and Raiders, this game is a great, non-habit forming alternative to Ambien. The Raiders have been putting me to sleep ever since they were playing in the LA Coliseum 20 years ago, and Wilford Brimley’s show would come on NBC after Marc Wilson was done throwing 3 interceptions. Now that they’re playing in the middle of the night on a school night, they ain’t keepin me any more awake with their 71 yards of total offense. The Chargers lead 13-0 at the half. LT has 101 rushing yards and a touchdown, Aaron Brooks has been sacked 4 times, twice by Shawne Merriman. This is the last update you’re going to get tonight. I’m not staying up to watch the rest of this shnorer.
We do have some transactions I’ve failed to mention though
– Deion Branch has been traded to the Seahawks, who are pushing the panic button after scoring 6 points at Detroit yesterday.
– The Packers have signed Koren Robinson. They’re hitting the panic button even harder.
– The Chiefs gave Rod Gardner a job. Are you sensing a theme here? I’m expecting the Bucs to sign Henry “Gizmo” Williams any minute now.
– Rams center Andy McCollum’s Carson Palmered his knee and is out for the season.
That’s it for tonight. I’ll post again tomorrow with the final of the SD/Raiders game, and hand out this weekend’s Game Balls (good) and Sweaty, Smelly Balls (bad).
