The Double-Team Short Form, 09.05-08.06

Archive, Reviews, Shows, TV Shows

First of all, congrats on the birth of Henry Thomas Wind on Friday morning. Mother, infant, and father are doing fine, but dad’s doing a column on how the kid’s going to have an easier time of it because dad’s already done the innovation and the kid can just copy from him.

Some people have been asking what’s going to happen with the Short Form when we go to V3. From what I understand, each of the separate shows of the Short Form will be posted as shorter blog-style articles. I do not approve of this. I don’t want to contribute to the continued dumbing-down of the world and its shortening attention span. My articles have always been long for a reason. My writing is a nice sit-down multi-course gourmet meal, not the trip through the Drive-Thru that other writers (even ones here) provide. And remember the words of Joe Pesci: “They f*ck you in the Drive-Thru”. They may temporarily satiate your hunger. I satisfy your stomach and soul.

That’s why I’m debating continuing this when we go to V3. We’ve already got bunches of people doing on-the-spot analysis of these shows, and they’re doing a terrific job. The weekend edition of the Short Form came about in a very simple manner: when High-Quality Speaker Boy got the title, Scott gave up on Smackdown once and for all. We needed a feature replacement for him by a big name. Who bigger than me? So thus Smackdown got the Short Form treatment. When Impact came about, due to the fact that the shows were one day apart (Smackdown on Thursday at the time, Impact on Friday), I threw that in there. Then ECW on Sci-Lie came around, and due to audience request, that was thrown in as well. It made for a nice little package that tied the week together. Now, with the V3 format change, it’s going to be three separate columns, thrown wildly throughout the week. I’m not sure at this point that the Short Form was intended for that.

The counter-argument, of course, is the fact that wrestling news has been so damn barren lately (at least on Sundays and Mondays) that my Tuesday column ends up being a Short Form a good portion of the time. I can’t really contradict that (I do bemoan it, as you know). The form is robust enough to handle itself on its own, as I demonstrated when I used it for the recent Chicago ROH show. But I still have that bit of hesitation.

What I’ll probably end up doing is trying it out under V3 and see if it works. If it does, I’ll stick with it. If not, I’ll drop it and let the other guys have the space.

Since we’re still in V2, let’s move on…

THE ECW SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Rob Van Dam and Sabu over Mike Knox and Text, Extreme Rules Match (Pinfall, Sabu pins Knox, double top-rope legdrop through table): Here is the counter-argument to those who say that ECW should be all Extreme Rules Matches. Would this match have stood out if everything was Extreme Rules? Obviously, no. But the fact that Extreme Rules Matches are kept to no more than one per show gives this match a little more cachet. We’re more likely to notice how willing Test and (especially) Knox were willing to go within this framework, especially against two guys who are not only past masters at this type of match and know every little wrinkle available, but who are also celebrating not having to go to the pokey in Ohio on drug charges. Knox and Test played along well and contributed (especially Test with that chin-first fall into the steel chair), and Van Dam and Sabu showed them how it’s supposed to be done. No complaints from this end. It was given a lot of time to develop, spaced the obligatory spots out nicely, and stayed away from the putrid that Knox and Test can occasionally descend into. Nice work.

What happens when interventions aren’t enough

Stevie Richards over Balls Mahoney (Pinfall, vampire-ference): Oh, some may pooh-pooh and say that the only reason that Stevie won this match was due to Fertig planting his cane on Balls’ skull. Nonsense. It was Stevie’s vicious nut shot prior to the cane hit that did the damage. For those of you who don’t know, Balls has a number of pieces of jewelry in and around that area of his body, and getting hit there for him must be the equivalent of having the area in question hit with brass knucks. So well done, Stevie, in scouting that out. But the bigger question must be this: is Stevie reforming the BWO as the Blood World Order? If so, it’ll be his best gimmick since Right To Censor.

Stevie Richards getting a near-pinfall is such a rare sight that it has to be commemorated

Shawn ‘n Trip over The Big Show, Non-Extreme Rules Match (DQ, Holly-ference): Look, guys, you got renewed for a year and a half. You don’t need to do this kind of shit anymore. Vengeance will also sell itself at this point, so there’s no need for PPV Pimp Matches on ECW. However, if you did this to help get Bob Holly over again, okay, that’s fine. It’ll piss off some people here who need to get pissed off anyway (hi, Blatt!). So go for it. I’m in your corner.

Has TBS been taking a lot of DDTs lately, or is it just my imagination?

Angle Developments:

And I thought Flair on this show triggered serious cognitive dissonance

Don’t encourage the ‘tards, Fullington

Yes, Joey, she has fangs. But, really, why are you complaining?

One is Punk. The other never, ever will be.

THE IMPACT SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Homicide and Hotstuff Hernandez over Kirby Mack and T. J. Mack, Non-Title Match, Duh (Double Pinfall, Gringo Killa and Border Toss): Yeah, like I can come up with something to cover a one-minute squash. Obviously a set-up for an apres confrontation with A. J. and Chris, and that’s what it turned out to be. I have nothing more to say. There is nothing more to say.

Macks, meet trucks

Chris Harris, James Storm, Matt Bentley, and Frankie Kazarian over Road Hogg, Billy Bitchcakes, Norman Smiley, and Shark Boy (Pinfall, Harris pins Smiley, Storm superkick): What’s the purpose behind this match? Can anyone tell me? Yeah, they advanced the AMW break-up angle, but you know what that means: an Angle Advancement Match, and one that doesn’t involve six of the people in this match. Total waste of everyone’s time, and when you consider the involvement of NAO in this and that it’s a waste of their time too, you can understand how tragic this is.

Since Norman wasn’t able to get the Big Wiggle off, this is the best we can do

Christian over Ron Killings (Pinfall, Unprettier): Six years ago, this would have been a midcard comedy middle-of-the-second-hour-of-Raw match. Now, it’s a match between two former NWA world champions that’s given time and respect, and the results were terrific. No, it didn’t hit four-snowflake territory, but nothing on Impact does these days. Also, I wonder if TNA gave Killings this particular match as a thank-you and highlight tape material. I don’t think Vince can make K-Kwik arguments after seeing matches like this. Let’s hope that a repeat of K-Kwik isn’t what happens after Killings gets to Raw.

Clash Of The Disregarded Champions!

Angle Developments:

At least Vince isn’t in the limo with them

The only person who isn’t a jackass in this picture is the bull

Ask Jarrett if he’s a meglomaniacal control freak or Borash if he’s heterosexual, then watch the lie detector blow up

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Dunno why I bother, really. I mean, thanks to my work schedule, I’m watching SD on Saturday night now, which means this column won’t get read until Sunday (and no one reads this site on Sunday), and we’ve got CJ back doing Smackdown recaps now. If you were wondering why I said what I did above, this is a good example.

Match Results:

Dave Fuckin’ Finlay over Rey-Rey (Pinfall, Celtic Cross): Normally, I’d cheer if either of these guys got fifteen to show off. But this one just never clicked due to the fact that it had to service the Rey-Rey/Chavito angle (specifically Rey-Rey’s reaction to everything). Extraordinarily dull, especially for what was supposed to have been (and by all rights should have been) a hot opener for the show. Too bad, really, because I could have looked forward to this. But the depredation of Rey-Rey continues. When this angle is looked back on, it will be judged a success if Chavito can get up to upper-mid-card and stay there. The damage to Rey-Rey, begun by the abominable title reign, will be brushed under the carpet. Too bad. It should be remembered as an object lesson.

Finlay can’t look Rey-Rey in the eye due to this situation, and Rey-Rey doesn’t want him to

FudgePacker over Danny Giamondo (Pinfall, FudgePacker Flip): Witness, if you will, the near-Brownian randomness of the IWC. Everyone goes crazy over FudgePacker because…well, he can yell out his name and do a senton off the second rope with another guy on his shoulders. Then the backlash starts, and everyone sees him for what he is: inferior and probably genetically damaged in some way, like all people from his hometown. Then he gets hurt and goes away for a while. Then he comes back and everyone forgets the previous criticism and fawns all over him again. In the meantime, he hasn’t improved as a wrestler. In fact, his trademark little bit of schtick has become more annoying than ever. But that’s ignored because Smackdown needs people and the retards in the live audience cheer for him, so all’s forgiven.

Fuck the IWC. FudgePacker sucks, always has sucked, and always will suck, and maybe someday, people will understand that. Yet they still won’t credit me for being the first to state this. That’s the way it’s always been. Someday, some IWC historian will discover this statement, join it together with the rest of the sentiments that I’ve been in the vanguard of, and give me the proper credit as prophet and pundit that I deserve, but by that time I’ll be dead.

Here’s Danny’s fifteen minutes of fame

Paul London, Brian Kendrick, and Ashley Massaro over KC James, Aaron Stevens, and Michelle McCool (Pinfall, Kendrick pins James, double-team dropsault): And here we go again. What London and Kendrick hath done to MNM, they haveth done unto them by James and Stevens. Same build, same perpetual run-through of all possible combinations, etc. The only difference is that they’re actually getting wins on occasion. I’d complain that “creative” had run out of ideas, but I’ve been saying that since 2000.

James told Kendrick to take a flying leap, and Kendrick took him literally

Bobby Lashley over Mister Regal (Pinfall, spear) God bless you, Vito, for calling him “Steven” Regal (and more than once). When the name got switched, I vowed never to use it, and I’ve kept with that vow (you may have noticed that I refer to him as “Mister Regal” all the time, both out of dislike for the name change and out of the infinite amount of respect I have for him). Thank you for joining me in this matter, Vito. Pick out something from the new Donna Karan line on me. As for the match, it wasn’t as good as it could have been, of course. It’s just strange to see Lashley at this point being the fulcrum in a bit of Angle Advancement slap-and-tickle between Vito and Regal. Well, better luck next time, and, please, let there be a next time for this one.

So why would the charter member of the Kiss My Ass Club be horrified by this?

Mike Mizanin over Matt Hardy (Pinfall, rollup): Hoo-rah gives a f*ck?

Hardy gets a good whiff of the Miz Experience

Chavito over Tatanka (Pinfall, frog splash): Well, Tatanka continues his surprising streak of quite watchable matches, despite Chavito having a little ring rust. I never thought I’d say this, but I’d rather think about Tatanka’s level of performance than anything Chavito’s involved in right now. What depths has pro wrestling descended to in 2006?

Chavito, always game for something, is perfectly willing to try it “Indian-style”

Booker T over DAVE, World Title Match (Pinfall, Finlay-ference): Well, you knew that if they were giving this one away on free TV, there was going to be some hanky-panky that was going to happen. And so it happened, thus making this whole thing irrelevant. You know, I’ve got into the habit recently of paying attention to some other task on my computer while letting the show run and just listening to High-Quality Speaker Boy. It helped with this match. No, the parts I saw weren’t atrocious, but knowing the ending that was going to occur and knowing that DAVE isn’t the best of fits for Booker made me decide on discretion. So, what the hell, bring on the better match at the next PPV.

Lese majeste

Angle Developments:

High-Quality Speaker Boy’s just jealous that he can’t pull off anything off-the-shoulder like Vito can

Yeah, I’ll end this off. Took me long enough to do Smackdown alone (mostly out of apathy and having to do other stuff). Might as well get this one in the books and start in on Tuesday’s column. Enjoy yourselves and the opening of the NFL season, and I’ll see you on Tuesday.