Let me clarify something. I find the way 9/11 has been treated as a political device as vulgar as someone pissing on the grave of a soldier killed in Iraq. I also find Vince as a person who has no problem abandoning any semblance of taste as long as it sells the product. Combine the two and I think we might just have the single most tasteless, crass, and truly insulting Raw in a long time.
I’m Tom Pandich and that’s the attitude I’m bringing to Raw tonight. Obviously, I’m not chipper. Keep it here at Inside Pulse as I try and forge through this potential field of landmines of self serving tributes mixed with the PPV pimp we’re all so used to.
Law and Order was just as nonsensical as it always is. WWE intro reminds us that Vince owns everything. We start out in black with a moment of silence, broken of course by the idiot fans cheering and shouting out. US Marine Corp (not core) presents the colors, Lillian sings America the Beautiful, not the national anthem (see Eric, the WWE can make you happy once in a while) in a skimpy America clothing with a soulful choir behind her. A montage of the troops, jet planes, WWE wrestlers with the troops, kids, and other stuff play (no puppets or Rocky though).
“Woo!” Here comes Ric Flair. Who could he be taking on? Good lord”¦. It’s UMAGA.
Umaga vs Ric Flair: COME ON RIC
Flair runs at Umaga but gets flattened. Chop block brings Umaga to a knee but he’s back up. Umaga no sells the chops and grabs Flair with both hands in a choke. Armando hops on the ring apron to break the cigar only for Umaga to take one”¦.two”¦.three shots to the balls. Flair cannot bring Umaga down so he heads outside for a chair. Umaga no sells two chair shots and that’s the match.
Winner by DQ: Umaga
Umaga is not done as he gives chase. Flair tries to hit Umaga with the steps, but he gets them knocked out of his hands. Umaga and Flair trade blows briefly with Umaga getting the advantage. Samoan drop on the floor by Umaga. Flair gets rolled into the ring and Umaga throws the steps in. Fire and here comes Kane.
Kane and Umaga exchange blows. Umaga goes for the thumb, but Kane catches him in a chokeslam. Umaga powers out of it only to smack Kane down. Umaga grabs the chair and hits Kane twice. Armando is going to break the cigar, but Kane sits up and hits Umaga with a big boot. Kane picked up the chair and hits Umaga twice out of the ring. Kane then picked up the steel steps and chucks them at Umaga who gets floored by them. Kane then knocks Umaga into the crowd. Pyro!
At the entrance of Madison Square Garden, Vince and Shane admiring the Walk of Fame. Vince has his own name roped off. Nobody steps on his name. In the ring, Kane leaves. Mmmkay.
Hell in a Cell flashback, Catcus Jack gets backdropped through the cell and through the ring by Triple H/ We’re back and it’s NYPD Pipes and Drums playing down the Highlanders and Roddy Piper. Mr. Piper is #1 Biggest Scoundrel in the history of the WWE in the new WWE magazine. Roddy asks who’s who and the Highlanders introduce themselves. “I’m Robbie”, “I’m Roddy”, “I’m Robbie”, etc. Rory slaps Robbie to make him stop. This degenerates into everyone slapping each other.
The Spirit Squad comes in to break this up. They call everyone girls for wearing dresses. Piper says that at least they didn’t exchange their testicles for a pair of pom poms. Piper wants a six man tag. He gets it, and it’s next.
Spirit Squad vs Rory, Robbie, and Roddy: Hey, I’m recapping a Highlander match!
Piper is in the realm of eternally over for me regardless of how much his wrestling ability has fallen off the path and no matter how much of an ass he is. He made They Live quite possibly the greatest cult movie ever made.
We join the match in progress with Piper tagging in Robbie. They have Mikey in a hammer lock. The other Spirit Squad members distract the ref and the Scots for Johnny to pop in and switch things around. Quick tags isolate Robbie, and they blast away at him. Robbie fights Mikey up to a vertical base only to be put back down. Kenny gets the tag and hits a flying reverse elbow for two. Johnny is in the ring and tosses Robbie into the ropes. Robbie flips over Johnny and the sunset flip gets two. Robbie tries to power to get a tag. He almost does but Mikey hits him down and takes out Rory.
That gives Robbie enough time to gather his wits(?) and backdrops Mikey to get the tag to Piper. Piper clears house. Clotheslines and so forth. He backdrops Kenny to the outside on to the other two Spirit Squad members. Scot Drop on Mikey (I think), and Piper gets the pinfall.
Winner: The Scotish (for once)
In the back, Johnny Nitro is being interviewed. He can’t believe what Matt Hardy said last week. Hardy is standing in the background looking at a painting. Nitro says “do you think that’s funny” and kicks it over. Oh shit, you don’t mess with a goth kid’s “art”. Hardy tosses a bucket of yellow paint on Nitro followed by a bucket of blue paint. He proceeds to beat Nitro down as Melina slips. Cute segment.
If you’ve got a little sister, you’re bound to forget her wherever when your high. Thanks for telling me PSAs! We’re almost an hour in and it hasn’t been too bad of a show so far. Hell in a Cell #1. Shawn Michaels vs Undertaker. Shawn crashed and burned from the cage.
Why it’s Edge!
Edge, Randy Orton, and Johnny Nitro vs John Cena, Carlito Caribbean Cool, and Jeff Hardy: What’s New York without pimps?
Edge has got a microphone. I guess we’re not having the match yet. John Cena’s final appearance on Raw is tonight. He’ll be going back to Smackdown so he should go back to his roots. Edge wrote a rap. It’s as white as can be expected, but he draws huge heat for bringing up how badly the Yank Me’s blew it 2004. Cute rap.
Here’s Randy. He RKOed Trish last week. Nitro is still covered in paint. They toss out the paparazzi. Tag match is next.
Here comes the good guys. They get a rather standard entrance. Nitro starts things out with Hardy. Nitro is pissed. He hammers Jeff with all his might until Hardy turns the tables in the corner. Hardy tosses Nitro hard into the corner and elevates himself off the second rope to hit a leg drop. Double leg drop on Nitro to the breadbasket and Carlito gets the tag.
Carlito gets taken out by Nitro until Orton makes the tag. Orton gets caught in the corner. I tune out as the crowd chants Cena sucks, We love Cena at about 65/35. Cena tags in and gets huge boos. Cena eventually tags to Carlito who tags to Hardy. Jeff Hardy hits a few clothesline eventually sending Orton over the top. Hardy uses Carlito to go over the top and he crashes and burns in a brutally blown spot. Edge hits a spear for good measure. The crowd is going absolutely apeshit. Cena checks on Hardy to see if he’s alive and Edge yells at him to get back in the ring. Edge slaps on a headlock as we go to commercial.
We’re back and Hardy is still in the ring. Nitro holds on tight to prevent the tag. Nitro gets dropped by head scissors but holds on. Huge Let’s Go Cena/Cena Sucks chant explodes. Orton tags in Edge who tosses Hardy into the corner. Hardy hits Whisper in the Wind and gets the lukewarm tag to Carlito. Orton gets a tag too. Carlito hits a clothesline and he tries for a springboard elbow, but Edge pulls down the middle rope. Carlito goes flying and crashes and burns.
The chants are much more interesting then the match. “Go to Smackdown” vs “Stay on Raw” as Nitro locks on a headlock. Carlito fights up and they exchange elbows. Springboard elbow floors Nitro. Crazy tag to Cena. The heels hit the ring. Cena clears house. Throwback on Edge. Cena is going to turn invisible, but Orton is looking to snipe him from behind with an RKO. Carlito saves with a backcracker. Hardy follows it with a Swanton Bomb on Orton. Cena picks up Nitro for an FU only to have Nitro punch him once. Cena shrugs it off and FUs Nitro. STFU ends it.
Winners: The Good Guys
An ok match I say. Mickie James vs Trish Stratus and McMahon vs McMahon (yes, Triple H counts as a McMahon) are still up for tonight.
In the history of Hell in a Cell, Jericho is a pussy for not going through the cage. Anthony Michael Hall is in the audience. He has signs made out of gum wrappers. Speaking of wrappers, it’s CRYME TYME!!111
A white guy gets mugged by Cryme Tyme. They knock him down, stomp him, and take his wallet. I hope Cryme Tyme never wrestles and just robs people.
Vince puts himself over. He says how proud Aurora is for him, his father, his grandfather, his son Shane, and his daughter Stephanie. Well”¦ Stephanie not so much. Anywho, he’s different from all of the sports teams that play in the Garden. He’ll be a winner.
Slam of the Week: Super Crazy beats Chris Masters.
Chris Masters vs Super Crazy: Nice to see Super Crazy still has a job
Crazy still has his lawn mower music. Masters beats down Crazy a bit. It looks like Masters might be back on the juice as he’s bulked up a little bit (he is fighting Super Crazy though). Crazy tries for a bicycle kick only to catch it and drop him. Masters continues with his beating and slaps on a headlock. Crazy fights up and hits a big cross body off the second rope.
Masters takes over again with clotheslines and stuff. Crazy gets going though. He hits a springboard spinning kick off the second. Missile drop kick off the top followed by a standing moonsault gets two. Line of the night: “Super Crazy reminds me of all the moves I used to do” — Jerry Lawler. Anywho, Masters gets his head kicked. Masters shakes it off and tries for a powerbomb, which Super Crazy rolls through. Crazy tries for a hurricanerana which Masters holds on for. Masters tries to dump Crazy, but Super Crazy rolls him up for the win.
Winner: Super Crazy
I really hope this is a losing streak gimmick and not just a Super Crazy/Masters feud.
John Cena is a marine. Trish Stratus says good bye next.
The Smackdown Rebound: King Booker retains over Batista through much screwf*ckery. You know that if you saw Smackdown (which most people didn’t). Finlay beat down Batista with his magic leprechaun stick after the match.
Toby Keith is live on Raw.
Mickie James vs Trish Stratus: *teardrop*
It’s kind of sad to know that Trish is going. She’s the only diva that doesn’t have porn floating around on the net of her. She’s leaving a real hole in wrestling. Granted, that hole is going to be filled by her husband, but whatever. Trish Stratus is wearing an LED light belt. Trish and Mickey do some transition stuff. They both laugh before locking up again. Headlock on Trish transitions into a Thez Press. Mickie goes up top and Trish catches her with the head scissors. Mickie tosses Trish off and sends her down with a hurricanerana. Double clothesline, and Mickie is first up. She crushes Trish with a standing drop kick.
Mickie goes up top and gets caught. Head scissors takes Mickie down. Trish gets Mickie with a second head scissors and signals for a Stratusfaction. Lita hits the ring and distracts her. Mickie and Trish transition Stratusfactions back and forth until Trish plants her two feet into Lita’s face and hits it. Match over.
Winner: Trish Stratus
Mickie James and Trish share a moment after the match. Trish thanks the crowd for everything. Aww, what a sad moment. From there, we go to Triple H/Kevin Nash in Hell in a Cell, another sad moment as far as I’m concerned.
The card!
This week in wrestling history, Smackdown goes live after 9/11/01, the first major event to happen after the terrorist attacks. Sadly, the terrorists won as they instituted censorship into WWF Clips.
Hell in a Cell:D-Generation X vs The Big Show, Shane and Vince McMahon
Tables, Ladders, and Chairs WWE Title Match: Edge w Lita vs John Cena (if Cena loses, he goes to Smackdown).
Intercontinental Championship Match: Johnny Nitro w Melina vs Jeff Hardy
Women’s Championship Match: Lita vs Trish Stratus
World Tag Team Championship Match: The Spirit Squad vs The Highlanders
Monster vs Monster: Kane vs Umaga
Winner gets NOTHING: Randy Orton vs Carlito Caribbean Cool
DX is heading to the ring, and what do they do? They are confronted by Cade and Murdock with Triple H getting a beat down. Big Show and Shane McMahon show up. Shane slams the door on Triple H and Big Show hits his new finisher. Triple H has his arm cut, and there’s Vince in all his steroid glory. He announces that the match with Triple H is No Holds Barred.
Vince McMahon vs Triple H: No Juice Barred
Vince must be feeling the pressure as he is hitting the Roids hard. The genetic jackhammer must have testicles the size of pine cone seeds. Triple H stumbles out bleeding from the ear with blood flowing down his chest. Vince punches Triple H who stumbles around on his knees. Vince floors Triple H with head butts. Triple H sells it like a Gamestop employee with an extended warranty.
Vince removes his belt to choke out Triple H. Triple H falls outside. Vince tosses him into the ring post. Triple H tosses out a suck it sign to Vince. Vince has had it, kick, wham, Pedigree. 1, 2″¦NO!??! Triple H no sells the Pedigree, a move that has killed Jesus three times. Triple H is pissed. He hits the spine buster and here comes Shane. Triple H punches him and kick, wham, Shane breaks it up. The two double team Triple H and then Shane grabs a chair. Shawn comes out to try and help Triple H. He grabs a hold of Shane and takes him down. The Big Show comes out and it’s time to finish things. Shawn tries for a Thez press on the Big Show who catches him and turns it into a huge powerbomb. Triple H grabs his sledgehammer only to get it taken from him. Chair shot to Shawn. Sledgehammer to Triple H. Vince pins and we’re done.
Winner: Vince McMahon
Expected ending, but man, this show could have been a hell of a lot worse. Night all.
