Monday Night Rabble

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Another night

Another dream

Always you…

Umm… I mean, hi and welcome to another edition of the Monday Night Rabble. For those unaware of what the Rabble is. I shall explain. The Monday Night Rabble is a special time where myself, James Hatton, and my cohorts in crime gather together to watch the finest sports entertainment that the USA network has to offer on Monday nights at 9pm.

What we do is then called ‘bash it mercilessly’. I catalog the comments and ribs we throw out while watching, and you get to laugh along with us.

The amount of people watching is solely dictated by the amount of people that show up at my house on Monday night. No secret formula.

So let’s meet this week’s band of miscreants to:

T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E

With:
The Incredible Bill
The Uncanny Jenna
The Spectacular Hernandez
The Friendly Neighborhood Chris
And The Adjectiveless of Me!

So we start off the show with a Rememberance and a moment of silence and the Marine Corp.
“John Cena’s coming out?” – Hernandez

Starting with Lillian Garcia singing America The Beautiful.
“I could be watching Charlie Haas right now.” – Hernandez
“But we get to watch Lillian Garcia’s tits.” – Me
“They are patriotically slutty.” – Bill

We decided that the WWE doing this is decidedly a touch tacky, as it is.. in fact.. the WWE. Knowing the WWE, the Iron Sheik or Mohammed Hassan will be returning later.

“WOOOOOOOOO!”
“And THAT was patriotic? Where’s Eugene & Hacksaw?!” – Hernandez

Here comes Flair in the pinkest robe EVER!
“He got confused with Maria’s wardrobe.” – Bill
“Flair Fact: 300 muppets died to make that outfit” – Jenna

And here comes… UUUuuumaga!

RIC FLAIR vs. UMAGA

Flair runs in and beats down on Umaga. He charges in and shoulder tackles Umaga, but Flair drops instead.

Estrada stands up on the outside and breaks the cigar, but the ref goes to talk to him as Flair ballshots him. Umaga shoves him down to the outside. Flair grabs a chair and runs in and knocks him twice.. gently.. with the chair.

Umaga is unphased, follows Flair outside and samoan drops him to the mat. Throws Flair back in the ring. He grabs the stairs and throws them in.

Hey, Kane’s here!
“Lawler, you said there was a monster in the ring!” – JR
“Did Lawler just say the secret word?” – Hernandez
“What’s the secret word?” – Me
“Monster!” – Hernandez
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” – Bill

So Kane gets a belly to belly suplex and hits him with the stairs. As Umaga goes and talks to Estrada.
“YO STUPID TURN AROUND!” – Hernandez

Kane sits up and grabs the chair out of Umaga’s hands to WHAP him twice!
“And THAT’s you throw a chair shot Ric!” – Me

Umaga bails out of the ring, and Kane THROWS the steps at Umaga right in his face. Nice spot. Umaga bails as Kane’s pyro shoots off. Estrada’s checking his head.
“YO ARE BLEEDIN BLACK! ..Oh, dats your face paint.” – Hernandez

OUtside MSG is Vince and Shane discussing the walk of fame. He discusses how you have to be someone special to walk that walk. They show Vince’s name that has been placed on that walk.

Kane’s leaving as they let us know that Trips is facing Vince.
Also Randy Edge & Nitro vs. Cena, Carlito, and Jeff Hardy

COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:12

Hell In A Cell Flashback – HEY! Mankind went through the cage.

There’s a Scottish Marching Band coming from the NYPD! I mark for bagpipes.

MOTHERFUCKER THE HIGHLANDERS ARE BRINGING DOWN RODDY PIPER!!!!

I MARK FOR PIPER SO HARD!

Roddy rolls underneath the ring and he looks like he lost some weight. He gives some mark out for the NYPD and the crowd begins the Andre chant.

“I was skirting down main street. I saw me a magazine rack. This magazine said the 51 worst offenders in the history of the WWE. Meaning the dirtiest, lowdown, damndest bastards of all time. Who do you think number one is. RODDY PIPER!

I’m proud to be here with the Highlanders, the number one tag team contenders.”

They do the ‘I’m Roddy’ – ‘I’m Robbie’ – ‘I’m Roddy'”
“Oprah Uma.. Uma Oprah” – Me

They then take turns all slapping each other.
“I haven’t had this much fun since I beat up Mr. T.” – Piper

Hey, here comes the Spirit Squad. So one of the SS comes out and makes fun of the kilts.
“They have headsets? Their journey to gayatude is complete.” – Chris

Piper makes a pompom for nuts joke then challenges them to a six-man tag match right now. The SS journey together in a meeting.
“Referring now to the heel handbook.” – Hernandez

Piper tells the SS to get out of the way for the NYPD… and there they go.
“And the NYPD as the lumberjacks!” – Bill

COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:23

In the ring – they’ve started – the bastards…

Robbie in with Mikey in an armbar. Some more of the Spirit Squad distract Rory and Roddy on the outside so they can doubleteam him and they leave him in the ring to be doubleteamed. The hot tag to Piper is stopped at least three times.

Finally Kenny gets in the ring, hitting a flying backelbow for a two count. A running stomp with a tag to Johnny. Finally Robbie hits a sunsetflip for two… Then gets caught up into a tight chinlock.

TAG TO PIPER… Closed punches drops Mikey. Kenny. Johnny with a poke to the eye. Big hiptoss to Kenny. Kneelift to Mikey. More punches. The ref doesn’t seem to care.

Finally Kenny hits Piper a few times and now we go fist to fist with Piper on the ropes. The ref seems to care when he does it. Kenny hits the ropes and Piper tosses him with a double poke to the eye. Ref discusses with it Piper as Highlanders hit the double slingshot faceslam.

Pin from Piper – and the win.

WINNER: HIGHLANDERS AND ROWDY RODDY PIPER

In the back Nitro & Melina talking with Todd. They let Nitro talk, and nobody cares. Then they let Melina talk, and less people care.. but now with breasts.

In the background Hardy is painting.
“HE’S ON THE ACID AGAIN!” – Hernandez

Jeff covers a canvas and waits patiently. Nitro turns around and KICKS the canvas down to which Hardy yells ‘HEY THAT WAS MY PAINTING MAN!’ he then throws the paint onto him.
“Hardy hates fur.” – Me
“PETA would be happy” – Jenna

COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:36
We get a nice lil promo to support Unforgiven that is all about Trish having her last match.
“NOW BARK LIKE A DOG!” – Hernandez

HELL IN THE CELL FLASHBACK – Shawn getting the shit beaten out of him.

Hey it’s time for Lita and Edge. It’s six-man tag match.
“Lita left her make up case in the last arena.” – Me

Edge grabs the mic.. of course he does. He lets us know that it marks the final Raw appearance of John Cena since he’s sending him back to Smackdown. He’s going to do a rap to send him off… and he uses the spinner belt as a scratch pad. I’m the only one liking this as he grabs a paper to read the rap.

It was funny..ish… but even FUNNIER is JR just made a YOUR THE MAN NOW DOG joke!??!
“We have entered Bizarro world.” – Me

“HEY!” – Bill
..Randy’s here…

Here comes Johnny & Melina who don’t even want the paparazzi as they come down drenched in yellow paint.

COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:47

CENA/CARLITO/HARDY vs. EDGE/ORTON/NITRO
Where’s the chat spot?

Hey everyone is in the ring and I”m back from my cigarette in time to see a multi-colored Johnny Nitro starting with Matt Hardy.

Hardy ducks a punch and then Nitro CHARGES into Hardy and begins to beat him down with punches. Nitro gets spun around in the corner and whipped HARD to a sit down. Hardy leaps up and a double leg into his chest.

A tag to Carlito and now he and Nitro beat each other down in the corner. Carlito sends him to the ropes for a solid dropkick with a HUGE Carlito pop from the crowd. Nitro TACKLES Carlito to run him into the corner with a tag to Orton. Orton charges Carlito who throws up the boot. A backelbow for two. A tag to Edge now.

THe crowd chanting ‘We Want Cena Cena Sucks’ Edge throws Carlito the ropes who hits the top rope for a HUGEEEEEEE moonsault and a rana for two. The tag to Cena and the crowd splits as everyone bails in the ring. Cena ends up in the ring with Orton.
“HEY!” – Bill

Cena wants Edge, but finally decides he can beat Orton. Hard whip to the corner. HUGE suplex for two and in runs Edge to stop the count and now Cena and Edge charge into the corner. Orton runs up and hits a snapsuplex and an armwringer to tag in Nitro. Nitro beats Cena down now.

Cena leaps up to bumrush Nitro down with a tag to Carlito. A big suplex from Carlito for two. The ring is goin nuts. Carlito’s dad is watching from the outside. Nice. Anyway a tag to Orton and a standing dropkick goes for two. Now a headlock from Orton to Carlito. Carly elbows out, hits the ropes and a jumping clothesline for two. Tag to Hardy who hits the ropes and clotheslines.. ok.. fails at clotheslining Orton over the top rope.

They improv it up with a flying crossbody and another clothesline sends Orton over. Carlito drops to all fours and Hardy LEAPS off Carlito’s back – hits the ropes and stumbles to the mat. Ouch. Now Cena is checking on Hardy who is limping a little bit. Edge and Hardy in the ring as we move to a commercial break.
“Jeff certainly f*cked up that spot didn’t he?” – Forum Diehard: Faceless Name
“Have ya seen how oily Carlito is? ” – Forum Diehard: Captain Spaulding
**
** – The name Diehard currently being voted upon, check out the forums to vote!

COMMERCIAL FIVE – 10:02

We’re back with a single leg crab in the middle of the ring from Edge to Hardy. Hardy slips out of it to JUSSST make the tag, but Nitro SLIDES in to run in and headlock Hardy and grab a leg for a standing leg stretch out.
“Why doesn’t he just kick him with the other leg?” – Chris

Hardy then kicks him with the other leg.
“There we go” – Chris

Now a tag from Nitro to Orton and he clips the leg of Hardy and slams it down. Tag to Edge who kicks Hardy’s knee. Hardy gets to his knees for a few punches, but an eyegouge drops him right back down. He whips Hardy to the ropes. Hardy climbs up the turnbuckles and a corkscrew drop! TAG TO CARLITO!

Carlito drops Orton. Carlito drops Nitro. Tosses Orton to the ropes, reversed and Carlito goes to hit the second rope and Edge pulls it down. Ouchies. Now Orton and Edge work on Carlito’s leg.
“Everyone’s legs are being taken out tonight” – Bill
“Somewhere Creed is getting a song ready.” – Me

Tag to Nitro who just punches Carlito in the face. Reverse neckdrop.
“Everyone has a little paint on them now.. it’s being passed like Hep-C” – Bill

Nitro chokes the hell out of Carlito on the ropes, Edge follows suit. Chinlock from Nitro, he finally fights out of it – toss to the ropes and a backelbow from Carlito. He his the Cena tag and in runs Cena to DROP EVERYONE with clotheslines. The rollover facebuster to Nitro. The spinning powerbomb to Edge. He sets up for the ‘You Cant See Me’ He turns to see Orton who Carlito hits the BACKCRACKER!

Nitro hits the SENTON! In runs Nitro, STFU on his ass and there’s the tap out.

As we see Edge and Lita already up to the top of the ramp.
“Bags packed gotta go.” – Bill

WINNER: CENA/CARLITO/HARDY

COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:13

Hey a Hell In A Cell Bit – TRIPLE H vs. CHRIS JERICHO
“Who?” – Hernandez
“Ya know, you yell at me for making the easy joke..” – Me
“What easy joke.. I don’t remember who that is.” – Hernandez

Hey Anthony Michael Hall is here….
“No.. you are a f*cking genius becuase you can’t make a lamp.” – Me

So is CRYME TIME!
“Why are they criminals… because they’re black.” – Bill

So one of the members of Cryme Time beat down a white guy. Straight Trippin’.

Okay, these bits are really growing on me.

In the back. Vince claims tonight will be a triumph!
“9/11 will be a TRIUMPH for the McMahon family..” – Bill

Vince gives a bit of an amusing promo about how proud his family will be.. well maybe not Steph…

COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:21

Last week – Super Crazy beat Masters!

In the ring is Chrish Mashters.
“Wow look at that floppy shit. He’s drooping!” – Bill

In runs Super Crazy.

Match starts with a beatdown from Mashters. Picks him by the hair and slams him down. Mashters asks ‘who da man’
“Yoda-man?” – Me
“Ugh..” – Bill

Mashters drops a knee into SuperCrazy’s head. a headlock drops him down.
“I miss my steroids.. god I miss them” – Chris
“Super Crazy looks bored.” – Bill
“I can’t believe I have to sell to Masters.” – Chris

Masters throws Crazy to the corner. Crazy leaps – flying cross onto Masters for two. Back on their feet Masters gets the upper hand again. He throws a clothesline, ducked and a droptoe hold followed by a second rope dropkick. A toprope dropkick and a moonsault!
“Where do I know Super Crazy from?” – Bill
“Did you go shopping today?” – Me
“Yes.” – Bill
“He was in produce.” – Me

Super Crazy throws Masters into the corner, and eats a boot. There’s a quick couple spots there and as Masters brings him to the ropes – SC grabs the top rope and slides around to spin into a sunset flip to… YES.. WIN THE MATCH.

WINNER: SUPER CRAZY!
“The lesson: Never do drugs” – Hernandez

Hey… the Marine.. And in the back Trish Stratus… tonight’s honorary LECH OF THE WEEK… unless of course Maria comes out wearing me.

COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:30

MICKIE JAMES vs. TRISH STRATUS
“Did Mickey lose some weight?” – Hernandez
“That or gained some breast.” – Me

Here comes Trish! She’s wearing an LED belt buckle. Nice.

She is looking really good tonight.
“The beltbuckle is throwing Mickie off.” – Hernandez

They lock-up and a dropdown roll up from Trish – and an oklahoma roll (so JR says..) for two from Mickie.

They are smiling at each other as they get back to their feet. Side headlock from Trish. She throws Trish to the ropes, leaps over her and then a Thesz Press for the fists. She throws Mickie to the corner – runs in to eat a backelbow.

Mickie leaps to the top turnbuckle, and Trish runs up to do the handplant – back to her feet for a rana from Mickie. They hit a double clothesline and then Mickie gets up first for a dropkick. Mickie hits the top rope, but now Trish runs in and hits the handplant rana.

Now they go fist to fist, but Trish runs in for a handstand spinning rana… Trish goes for the chick kick, but it’s ducked and grabbed for two. Lita gets up to the apron.. from NOWHERE… Trish grabs Mickie and uses Lita to plant off for the Stratusfaction.

WINNER: TRISH STRATUS
“Lita hurt herself on the way down” – Bill

In the ring, Mickie and Trish hug.
“Grab her tit.” – Me

Trish grabs the mic. Pauses as she seems a touch upset.
“YOU HAVE A MINUTE TALK TALK TALK!” – Hernandez

“Thank you for coming on this amazing awesome..” – Trish
“..Face.” – Me
“..night.” – Trish
“Oh” – Me

Hell In A Cell – Triple H vs. Kevin Nash… and this match sucked.
This match infamously started the ‘let’s count how many wrestling moves we see’ and honestly, we didn’t break past two hands. It realy was just….. well….. whatever.

COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:44

THIS WEEK IN WRESTLING HISTORY: The Towers Fell… geez…. exploit much?
Perry Saturn, Moppy, A-Train, Bradshaw, Debra, oh what five years has done to us.

In the back DX is on their way to the front.
“IT IS” – Bill

They are stopped by Cade & Murdoch. They hit them. Followed by more attacks from Big Show, Shane, and… is that Kanyon?
“WHO BETTA!” – Hernandez

So they beat him down pretty hard. Vince shows up, “So! You’re bleeding.. that’s good.. because this match is No Holds Barred!”
“Would be better as a first blood match!” – Chris
“DING…. umm… DING” – Bill

COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:53

Hey! No Chance In Hell!

Vince is in fact wearing a tank top.
“Hey, look at that… look at those juicy nipples.. you see that?” – Hernandez
“No, you are the one looking at his nipples.” – Me
“Luckily Masters steroid connection… still good” – Chris
“I’ve taken HIS share” – Bill
“You think he goes in the back and opens a box that says ‘Hogan’s stash?’ before a match” – Bill
“No, it says ‘Hogan’s potion” – Chris
“No.. Hogan’s MYSTICAL potions..” – Me
“I think it’s just GummyJuice” – Bill

So the DX music hits and Trips stumbles down to the ring, bleeding from the ear.

As a note – there is in fact a ‘WHO BETTA THAN KANYON’ sign behind Vince’s head.

So the bell rings and Trips stumbles to the ropes as Vince hits him.
“Stop stumbling – you are going to tear a hamstring”

As Trips is down Vince kicks him. Bill keeps making the noise that Smackdown vs. Raw 2006 makes when you are out of stamina every time that Triple H falls. Play the game, you’ll know what we mean.
“THERE’S NO EAR DAMAGE IN THE GAME!” – Hernandez
“Do you mean in Smackdown vs Raw.. or… in ya know ‘The Game’?” – Me

Vince chokes Trips with his belt for a bit. Trips gets to his feet and gets hit with a punch or two. The third one sends him to the outside. Vince slams Triple H ear first into the post.

Trips crawls to the ring corner and before Vince can come out of him – Trips crotch chops him. Vince runs him into a pedigree for two! Trips sits up and he starts HULKING UP!?!?!?!?

Vince throws a few good solid hits. A spinebuster. In runs Shane who gets hit. Kick to the gut and sets Vince up for the Pedigree…. In runs Shane with a clock to the back of Vince’s head. As Shane grabs a chair, down runs Shawn! He ducks the chair and hits the crossbody and the kick up. He hits Vince. He atomic drops Shane. He turns and LEAPPPPPPS into the newly entered Big Show’s arms… POWERBOMB.

Triple H is under the ring.
“Looking for?” – Chris
“The soul of Mr. Perfect” – Hernandez
“EXCALIBUR!” – Bill

Vince clocks Trips on his way in.
“Well that plan failed” – Chris

Shane hits HBK knocking him out. Vince grabs the sledgehammer and clocks Trips with it.
“Trips is now recognizing what he’s been doing to people… ‘Ow! That hurts!” – Bill

WINNER: VINCE MCMAHON
“What a shitty match” – Hernandez

So what did everyone think?
“Good except the last match..” – Bill
“Drinks?” – Jenna
“Last week’s set up – Awesome. This week, dunno what they did.” – Hernandez
“Adequate.” – Chris
“IT’s amazing how one crappy match can bring down the entire show” – Hernandez
“You shouldn’t finish the show like that..” – Chris
“But somehow Vince has tried to convince him being in the main event is a special treat.” – Bill
“It is a treat to see a man that we know is doing steroids.. wrestle.. vaguely” – Chris

So there we go, a show wiht an ending to set up Unforgiven. Was it good. Sure, not bad. Was it great? No, not at all.

Now just a brief note – due to some stuff going on behind the scenes, Penny will no longer be writing at the bottom of the Rabble. We here at the Rabble wish her the best in all future endeavors.

So what’s going on in this spot – we’ll talk about it weeks to come. Til then, have a great week and we’ll see you at Unforgiven.