Smack THIS! – 09.15.06

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Hi again folks! It occurred to me that I may have come off as annoyed by the show last week. So this week I’ve decided to find at least one positive thing in each segment, to celebrate the final SmackDown on UPN.

And away we go!

Er, well, due to an unforeseen lost wallet, I missed the first ten minutes. Here is a recap from our very own Troy Hepple:

Usual opening and we’re a week away from SmackDown debuting on CW, and to open SmackDown Finlay comes out with The Little Bastard .. under a sheet? Cute. Video footage of him attacking Batista with the shillelagh, and says that he doesn’t expect Batista to make it tonight but rather be in a hole, licking his wounds, or at a hospital eating through a straw. Finlay say he knocked his teeth down, or mugged him in American slang, and talks down Batista only for Bobby Lashley make his way out. Lashley says his name is Finlay and his a bastard. Lashley says he’s Irish, but his luck just ran out. Theodore Long comes out and announces that he is looking for a new Challenger for the World Heavy Weight Championship since Finlay took out Batista, so he sets up Finlay vs Lashley with the winner getting a title shot against King Booker at No Mercy! Lashley threatens the Little Bastard before he pushes Finlay over, knocking the Little Bastard down as well. The Little Bastard attacks Finlay by accident, Finlay knocks him off but continues to attack him before he throws him back under the ring. Considering these two aren’t known for their promo skills, this wasn’t that bad. And even though Finlay man handles the Little Bastard all the time, it’ll be interesting to see if this goes anywhere .. but we’ll be lucky if it doesn’t, since it would mean The Little Bastard will enter singles competition.

Tonight: Mr Kennedy vs Rey Mysterio!

Commercials.

Finlay is wandering the backstage halls before he runs into Regal. Regal reminds him of the situation and says that if Finlay wins he will face their King, the King who knighted us etc, but Finlay just walks off. Should be interesting to see where this goes.

Thanks again to Troy Hepple!

Positive: I missed the first ten minutes. BA-DOOM-BA!

Thank you, thank you, I’m here ’till ten. Try the veal.

Non-Title CW Network-er, Cruiserweight match : Gregory Helms vs Matt Hardy.

Cole is advertising Helms as the longest running CW champion, and I can’t find anything to dispute that, so there ya go. Hardy comes through the crowd and it’s ON LIKE A NECKBONE. Hardy controls early and gets a Side Effect. Helms goes outside, but Matt follows him and eats the STEEL steps out of a counter. Helms drops a few elbows and Matt’s BUSTED WIDE OPEN! Sadly, it’s only his lip, so it only gets 0.00004 on the Papa Smark Muta Scale. JBL rags on Hardy for losing to the Miz, and I really can’t blame him, ya know? Matt tries a comeback, but Helms snaps off a backbreaker for two. Hemls locks on a half-crab, but Matt makes the ropes and the hold is broken. More heel stuff by Helms. This match is kind of slow, but it’s really not too bad. It’s resthold-a-mania! Matt makes the comeback with a suplex, some rights and a clothesline. Jawbreaker by Matt gets two. YOLDELAH-HE HOOO leg drop gets two. Matt’s setting up for the twist, but Helms counters and shoves Matt into the ref. Helms goes low while the ref is getting up and gets the three. (** Was shaping up to be a decent match before the silly finish. The positive: Matt looks funny flopping around post match.)

Backstage, Rey arrives with his son (I think), and says hi to Deano Machino! The positive: Dean Freaking Malenko baby!

Commercials. I’d REALLY like to see Trish’s last match; her work really took the womens division out of the crapper. She will be missed, but like Jericho, she’s getting out because she wants to, not because she needs too. Bravo, and we’ll miss you Trish.

Jimmy Wang Yang enlightens us with some more of Vince’s hillbilly fetish. Sadly, this was not shot on location, but backstage somewhere. The positive: it’s better than Henry O or Phineas I.

Guess Who’s Going Over Here: The Miz vs Scotty 2 Hotty.

1998 called Scott, it wants it’s ATTITUDE back. To clarify my comments from last week, JBL is still portraying him as a face, which means he hates him. But he’s being booked against faces. Got it? Me either. I’m SO friggin’ confused. At least this week he’s working more like a heel, with chokes and such. Miz with a sloppy sideslam for two. Sounds like a meal from Mooby’s. Miz with more heel-like offense. Scotty makes the comeback with Iblockyourpunchbutyoudontblockmine. Bulldog by Scotty and it’s time for a worm! No, not that worm. Miz rolls under the ropes, then hangmans Scotty. Swinging neckbreaker by Miz gets the three. (DUD Cole is calling it the Mizzard of Oz. The positive: at least it wasn’t really “Oz” in there.)

Still to come: #1 contenders match: Lashley vs Finlay!

Commercials. These anti-pot commercials continue to baffle me. I mean, they really do defy all sensible logic.

Another promo for “The Marine”, this time highlighting the villain, highlighting how great it was to work with Cena.

Triple Threat: Brian Kendrick vs Kid Kash vs Idol Stevens

More proof that the WWE reads Eric S. (and after all, doesn’t everyone?) by again pairing Ashley with the tag champs Kendrick and London. The heels start off on Kendrick, but are soon bickering themselves, so Kendrick hits a double dropkick and works on Idol for awhile. An armdrag for Kash; here Idol, you get one too. Kendrick gets two on a dropkick to Kash, broken up by Idol. Idol gets two while Cole and JBL talk about Booker’s invite to ECW by Paul Heyman. Kash gets a two count, but Idol pulls him off to get two of his own. Now they’re fussing and fighting my friends, so Kendrick rolls up Idol for two. Kash with some kicks on both. Kendrick makes a small comeback, but Idol shuts him down and gets two. Kash kicks Idol’s face off, and suplex-bombs Kendrick in a neato move. He doesn’t cover and goes to the top, only to be knocked off with a sloppy powerbomb by Idol. He shoves Kendrick into the ropes and follows, but Kendrick moves and Idol chokes himself on the top rope. Dork. Kendrick with a tornado DDT out of nowhere for the three. (* 1/2 Could have been better had they been given more than five minutes. Guess they’re not working by the hour. The positive: Ashley looks quite fetching tonight.)

Backstage, King Booker holds court. Meanwhile…

Rey gets Dominic all situated for his upcoming match, getting him a monitor, some wild women and some hooch. Ok, maybe not the last two.

Commercials. “Boone. Daniel Boone.” Hmmm, I smell ripoff. The DVD commercial DOES tout “Character Development”, which is sadly lacking in today’s TV shows. Particularly the one we are watching now…

Yes, this angle is STILL going: Rey Mysterio vs Ken Kennedy.

Backstage, Chavo and Vicki say hi to Dominic, to get inside Rey’s head. Aw, Kennedy doesn’t get his intro. Darn. The story here is that both competitors have other issues besides each other: Rey has problems with the Guerrero’s and Ken has to deal with the Undertaker at No Mercy. Kennedy controls with some headlockery, but Rey reverses. Into the corner, and Ken breaks with a knee. Whataguy. Ken plays bouncy with Rey’s head on the turnbuckle, so Rey blocks and plays bouncy with HIM. Nice. Rey with a flying headscissors and Kennedy is reeling. Rey hits a springboard, but Kennedy rolls through, picks Rey up and gives him a backbreaker across the knee for two. Ken works on the back some more, but Rey fights out only to be WHIPPED into the corner. That gets two. BIG belly to back gets two, so Ken just pounds on him. This is ALL Ken Kennedy here, but as I type that, Rey gets up a boot on a BLIND charge, only to walk into a spinning spinebuster for two. Ken works over Rey’s back some more, stretching him out. Rey breaks with some kicks, and counters a whip into a float over bulldog. That was pretty sweet. The count is on, but they’re up by six. Rey with a dropkick and a kick to the back of the head for two. Ken catapults Rey into the corner head first and then chokes him on the ropes. Ken with the Bossman run and jump onto Rey’s back and chokes some more. Ken charges again, but Rey hits a drop toe hold and the 619! But Ken oversells it just a bit and rolls out of the ring, so Rey dives out after him as we go to…

Commercials.

And we’re back, but Rey is still getting mauled. During the break, Kennedy sends Rey back first into the STEEL post, so now he’s working it. Interesting to note that Kennedy’s kicks look suspiciously like the Rock’s. Hmmm. Abdominal stretch by Kennedy and he uses the ropes! That gets a half star right there. It’s the little things, people. Anyway, Rey hiplocks Ken off and goes for something, but a spot gets blown so Ken just knocks him out of the ring. Rey gets an eyeble (for those that don’t remember, Cole accidentally called a high elbow and “eyeble” last year, and it has stuck with me ever since), but Ken hits the rolling Samoan drop. Kennedy goes up top for a senton bomb(!!!) but Rey moves and it’s time for a comeback. Rey with some fists and feet, followed by a seated senton. The sloppy cover loses that 1/2 star I just gave. Now, Chavo and Vicki bring out Dominic, which makes Rey go all “WTF!?!”, so Kennedy does what any good heel would do – rolls him up from behind and grab some tights for the win. (**1/2 That was WAY better than it had any right to be. The positive: Kennedy pulls out some old-school heel shenanigans, and manages to work a halfway decent match. Nice job!)

Up soon: #1 contenders match! Some guy against some other guy!

Commercials.

MVP cuts a promo. This would be the Godfather-like fella from last week.

Vito vs Sir William “You’ll always be Steven to me” Regal.

JBL drops “Blue Oyster”. Funny stuff, but only if you’ve seen Police Academy. And hey, who hasn’t? Can someone tell me why Regal’s TitanTron video has the words “Born Naughty” on it? Vito sticks with the basics, and it works. Sadly this effort is marred by JBL bitching about the dress (which is admittedly, pretty funny) and all the blurring of Vito’s underpants. Regal with a dropkick! It only gets two, as we are treated to more shots of Vito’s libido. Regal with a lot of chokes and punches, which coming from Regal, is not really a bad thing. Vito comes back with a BAAAAAAACK body drop and celebrates, but Regal takes him back down again. A BLIND charge by Regal sees him eating a Vito boot (which is better than Vito pie) and it’s the comeback kid! A BIG clothesline sends a frustrated Regal outside. He hops up with a shoulder to the gut, and get this, Regal with a sunset flip! But that really has bad idea written ALL over it, as Vito lifts the dress, drops down, grabs the legs and gets the win. (* 1/2 I know, I’m shocked too, but Vito is not all that bad, and he’s actually getting over with this ridiculous gimmick. I feel bad for Regal though, who seems to be the black hole of bad angles. The positive: that was a rather nice print Vito was wearing.)

Commercials, including the RAW Rebound. The positive: at least I’m not recapping THAT show.

How sad is it when I’d rather watch a Vito match than RAW?

Backstage, King Booker has a chat with Thaddeus Long. Booker is SO into this role, and it comes through in his performance. Like I said last week, I’m really thrilled for him. Next week on the season premiere of SD, King Booker takes on Vito. Well, it could be worse; we could be in for Rey/Chavo #2567.

Jobbers on TV in the New Millennium. Sylvester Terkay vs Some Guy.

This guy has a MASSIVE head. We’re talking Taker territory here. Some Guy is identified as Todd Smith. Jeez, the guy even has a generic name! Anyway, Terkay just mauls him for the duration of the match. Terkay reminds me of a young Vader, but not quite as slower-paced as Vader tends to be. Smith tries a few punches to make a token comeback, but Terkay just swats him away. Terkay gets the submission off a half nelson/grapevine combo. I’m, sure some MMA dude will correct me on that. (DUD Post match, the guy calls Terkay: the man-beast. Oh TAG. The positive? Terkay’s announcer/trainer has some neat beadwork going on.)

Up next: Lashley! Finlay! #1 Contender! Exclamation points!

Commercials. So, is anyone getting the new DVD’s of Star Wars 4-6? My buddy bought the box set last year, and is pretty pissed about this. Maybe I’ll get them for Christmas for him.

King Booker graces us and ringside with his presence. In addition to Booker vs Vito, next week will also see Rey vs Chavo (DOH!) in a Dominic on a Pole match. I think.

Main Event – #1 Contenders Match: Finlay vs Bobby Lashley.

Well, minus commercials, we have about 15 minutes left, so let’s see what happens. Let me get this out of the way – Booker is fantabulous on the mic during this match. And once again I have to mention that Lashley looks very controlled in the ring these days. A short feeling out period, with Finlay working the arm. Lashley reverses and we’re back to the start. Finlay with a headlock, and shoulder blocks Lashley down (!) only to run into a sloppy hip toss. Finlay takes a powder while Cole harasses our King about the Booker/Vito match next week. They do a little amateur stuff but we’re still all square. This reminds me of Lugar/Race for some reason, even though I don’t think they’ve ever met in the ring. Lashley gets tossed outside by the trunks, but nails Finlay as he follows. We head to our last set of…

Commercials.

We’re back again, and during the break, Finlay dropkicks Lashley off the apron and shoves him knee firrst into the STEEL steps, giving him the control of the match he has now. Finlay has the leg grapevined, which Lashley tries to fight out of, but Finlay drops more pain on the knee. The conversation Booker and Sharmel have with Cole and JBL is friggin hilarious here. Finlay is still working the knee, and just DRILLS it into the STEEL post. The opposite way that it’s supposed to bend. That’s just plain mean. Lashley makes it back in before the ten count, but Finlay keeps working the knee, turning into a half-crab, almost a Walls of Jericho. Lashley comes back after an Irish whip (hey, it fits this time!) with an eyeble and a pair of clotheslines. Lashley gets two, then puts Finlay into a Human Torture Rack??? WC DUB! WC DUB! Er, sorry. He drops to his knees with the move applied (aftershock?) but it only gets two. Booker’s reaction was great. Regal tosses a chair into the ring, but it’s intercepted by the ref. While the chair is being put back outside, Finlay grabs the Shellelgh (I was sternly told about this, although the other spelling shows proper in my spellcheck. Which is funny because the word spellcheck shows up as wrong. Go figure.) and goes for the home run shot, but Lashley ducks and hits a few rights. Whip to the corner, but Lashley eats Irish Boot on the BLIND charge. So Finlay charges and gets a belly to belly for his troubles. Lashley with a military press slam, but the kid doesn’t sell the knee. Tsk, tsk. Lashley is setting up for the spear, but Regal trips him up, allowing the Little Bastard to toss Finlay the shela…shill… that damn stick. Finlay tries to be all nonchalant about it, but the ref clearly sees a whack to the knee and it’s a DQ win for Lashley. (** I wanted to give it more, but there was something about the match that just felt “off,” and the retarded finish doesn’t help much. I did appreciate the psychology of all the work on the knee though. The positive: Finlay gets to beat up DAVE again.)

Post match, Finlay realizes what a dumb finish he was booked for, and does lots of grimacing. No, not THAT Grimace. Anyway, Booker realizes what happened as well, and join Finlay and Regal in beating the holy heck out of Lashley. But DAVE’s music hits… it’s DAVE’s trunk! No, just Dave himself, armed with a really big stick.

I swear, this just writes itself sometimes.

Anyway, DAVE comes charging to the ring, and Finlay is all “See ya!” and bolts while Booker and Regal work over Lashley some more. Harlem whip gets turned into a GORE! GORE! GORE! by Lashley! All three make faces at each other, BUT WE’RE OUT OF TIME-

Slightly better effort this week, with Kennedy of all people grabbing match of the night honors. The positive: we’ll be on a new network next week.

At least, I THINK that’s a positive…