The Triple-Threat Short Form, 09.12-15.06

Columns, Shows, TV Shows

In Memoriam: Ann Richards. When compared to her successor, she deserves canonization.

Honestly, I had half of Tuesday’s column done. However, I ended up having a late night on Monday, then an interview on Tuesday afternoon, then I ended up coming down with a slight cold, and…well, you can figure out where that column went. However, I’m back now, sort of. I couldn’t watch ECW until Thursday afternoon due to a late night on Tuesday, an early start on Wednesday, total exhaustion, an interview on Thursday afternoon, etc. This job is a royal pain in the ass. And you wonder why I’m still interviewing.

So, this’ll be the last Short Form under V2, as we make the big move next week. I still haven’t decided how to do this column. I think that next week, I’m going to post it as three separate Short Forms as soon as I can get the shows done, in order to fit into the V3 format in a more proper fashion. Of course, that’ll force me to do ECW on Wednesday morning, which is a good thing, since I do feel a little guilty about not getting off of my dead ass and doing it sooner. Besides, it’ll be more contemporaneous with the guys who actually cover ECW seriously.

Well, that’s enough of that. On with the shows…

THE ECW SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Rob Van Dam over Bob Holly (DQ, heel-ference): Very few developments coming out of this, other than Stevie Richards showing that he could actually descend lower on the food chain for partners than Bull Buchanan and the Godfather (and Stevie’s punishment was swift and certain, with him getting the pummeling from the faces). Good match while it lasted, though. You’d really expect that Holly would have a lot more ring rust than he actually does considering the circumstances, but thanks to the shitty ending, he and Van Dam were removed from the formula that this could have descended to and were freed to have a decent match. So, let’s count our blessings where we can find them.

Okay, this has officially crossed the line into weird

CM Punk over Shannon Moore (Submission, Anaconda Vise): It took them a f*ck of a lot longer than it took all of us to figure out that the whole Shannon Moore thing was not going to work. Now, are they going to get smart and turn this into a negative push? That’s about the only way to salvage Moore at this point. As for Punk, hey, he’s CM Fuckin’ Punk. What more do you need to say? Well, Saint Dharma had a little more to say about this, namely that although Punk is King of Chicago, I am Lord and Master of All. Despite the truth of the statement, I do mind the title a little. I prefer “god-emperor”. It’s pithier and a nice tribute to Frank Herbert. Although you’re absolutely right on one issue, Dharma: I definitely wouldn’t mind Ariel in a Vampirella costume. It’s Frazetta-licious!

Insert vasectomy joke here

Rene Dupree over Balls Mahoney (Pinfall, rollup following vamp-ference): I may have to credit “creative” for something. This whole Dupree thing, where he comes out to his old WWE music, bills himself as being from Paris as he did when La Res split up, and does the French Tickler in the ring…this is some sort of ironic commentary on the lack of creativity in the wrestling business, isn’t it? Because if it’s not, that means that “creative” is a bunch of lazy f*cks who couldn’t do a repackaging if they had the directions in front of them, and that can’t be true, can it? As for Balls, well, thirty days working without pay really sucks. Let’s hope that whatever it was was good stuff.

Balls puts his best foot forward. You know it’s his best foot because it isn’t completely covered in fungus.

The Big Show over Sabu, Extreme Rules World Title Match (Pinfall, spinning leg drop): So boring that I couldn’t be bothered to get a screen cap for it. That’s all you need to know.

Angle Developments:

I Love Shoot Promos That…: Listening to Heyman go on about listening to the fans during Classic ECW and then proceeding to go out of business, I just had to wonder one thing: how much of that does he really believe is true? During the entire run of The Rise And Fall Of ECW, he was laying out excuses instead of pointing the finger at himself, which is where the blame really belongs. Could this be the latest excuse that he’s going to fly past the IWC in addition to using it as a springboard for the Originals feud? We’ve already accepted “He pushed the wrong guys” as a reason for AWA’s demise (in fairness to Verne, he couldn’t have had a clue as to what Vince was attempting). Does he think this will fly with us? I hope not. He’s too smart to think he can get away with that. But he’s still deluded when it comes to why ECW died five years ago, so you never know.

You half-expect him to start doing “Please Please Please” next

THE IMPACT SHORT FORM

Match Results:

The Fuckin’ Brothers over Matt Bentley and Frankie Kazarian (Pinfall, Styles pins Kazarian, BME/frog splash combination): You know, I’ve never said anything bad about either Bentley or Kazarian, except for the possibility that Bentley may be brain-damaged to not attempt to use his familial connections to get him a job in WWE. They’re very good wrestlers. They’re both former X Division champions, and unlike some of recent vintage, deserved the title, wore it with pride, and defended it with skill. Thus, they put on quite the worthy match with A. J. ‘n Chris, and it was the nice hot opener which TNA’s tended to give us on frequent occasions over the years. No complaints here.

You’re not going to get away that easily, Frankie

Chris Sabin over Alex Shelley (Pinfall, cradle rollup): Two matches in a row featuring X Division champions facing off against each other, and none of them have the balls to use the Ultimate X cables? Just another sign of the decline of TNA. And that was a stupid ending.

Sabin realizes suddenly that it’s four minutes into the match, and neither guys has hit a move regarded as characteristic of the X Division

Abyss over Raven, Hangman’s Horror Match (Raven choked into unconsciousness): Ah, Grievous Bodily Harm Division, how I’ve missed you. With Spike reclaiming his Inner Dudley and Raven returning despite the puffiness, it’s going to be more interesting and brutal than ever. Just wish this one was a little longer, with a lot more blood. House of Fun Match between Raven, Spike, and Abyss, please.

Just your typical Friday night at the Mineshaft

Angle Developments:

Is there anyone in this cap who doesn’t come across as being a moron?

They’re in Orlando and this is the best they can do for a thrill ride?

Missing The Obvious: How is it that Rob Fuller does not have a job with TNA already? There are a bunch of guys who can use a good manager, and Fuller’s always been one of the best. Tell me another man other than Fuller who could have done the “Southern cornpone hick managing two black guys” routine that he did with Harlem Heat without turning it into something offensive to modern (or at least Northern) sensibilities. Does Jarrett still hate Fuller for the hash WWE made of Jarrett’s brief time with Tennessee Lee? Jarrett honors tradition moreso than most people in the business. To him, Fuller is still a cooperative competitor with Daddy and is thus a figure to be honored. Why doesn’t Fuller have a position right now? It’s a mystery to me, just like anything Fuller says.

When Great White North meets Great White South

One of the rare moments when TNA is more like ROH than either of them would admit

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Novocaine Helms over Mattsy-poo (Pinfall, kick in the nads): Okay, for those of you who haven’t figured it out yet, yes, my I Don’t Give A Shit List extends to everyone who was ever on the OMEGA roster, especially now that this particular virulent pathogen is now on all three WWE shows. These two are on Smackdown, Jeffykins and Lita are on Raw, and Moore’s on ECW (and thankfully getting buried); that’s far too much concentration on a failed promotion from North Carolina than is good for any wrestling organization, unless the failed promotion from North Carolina bears the name of Jim Crockett. That I can live with. These two, though? Pure background noise, nothing else.

Must bring back fond memories of the OMEGA locker room for them, huh?

Mike Mizanin over Scotty Go Potty (Pinfall, swinging neckbreaker that I will not legitimize with the name that Mizanin is giving it): Combined with the last match, this show became a virtual, extended Black Hole Of Apathy. It sucked into another dimension not only any interest I might have in the show, but also my will to live. I don’t get on my company’s medical insurance for another two weeks, which is a damn shame, because I need those f*cking drugs right now. Otherwise, I know exactly where my nice, sharp knives are and how little effort it would take to slash my wrists with them.

The great anthropologist Bronislaw Malinowski once said, “In every type of civilization, every custom, material object, idea, and belief fulfills some vital function.” He would have made an exception for Mike Mizanin.

The ritual contest to determine the pack’s Alpha Spaz is a rare sight

Brian Kendrick over Kid Kash and Aaron Stevens, Triple Threat Tag-Team Pimp Match (Pinfall, Kendrick pins Kash, double springboard tilt-a-whirl DDT…yes, seriously): Memo To Hepple: the reason that the so-called Pitbulls don’t need a valet is that they don’t need a beard. You know, wrestlers can’t afford to be out, expect if you’re Kanyon and you want to do some ballsy yet oddly endearing antics that would enable you to get your position back. The problem with this match is, of course, that it was too short. It stayed completely away from the Triple Threat Formula like it was the plague. Sweet as hell while it lasted, and an obvious set-up for a Triple Threat Tag Title Match for No Mercy that could really use a stip to make it something quite special.

Take that, X Division!

FudgePacker over Rey-Rey, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, rollup): And this episode was doing so well in its efforts to get me back into paying attention to it. Detest FudgePacker, disgusted with Rey-Rey’s current angles…putting them together was not a good idea. Oh, God, wake me up when this trauma ceases.

The weird part of screencapping: when the object in motion remains in clear focus and the stationary objects are blurred

Vito over Sir Mister Regal (Pinfall, rollup with Python cover): Before the dress angle started, if you’d pick the two least likely candidates to have a comedy match against each other, Vito and Regal would have to have been a combination that would be high up on that list. But this thing worked, just as the angle is working with Vito and just as this little feud is working. But now I’m wondering how they end this for Vito other than his retirement. Do they have him drop a Loser Is Forced To Not Wear A Dress match or something?

Interesting little question: High-Quality Speaker Boy said during this one, “The wrestling gods hate me.” Since he himself is a Wrestling God, does this mean that he hates himself? That would explain a lot.

Notice that they blur everything on Vito except his genitals? And will this change when Smackdown comes to the CW?

Sylvester Terkay over Todd Smith (Submission, standing half-nelson armbar): Yay, a squash. How am I staying conscious during this show?

Sometimes, it’s nice to be reminded of the fact that men have a specific natural facial hair pattern

Bobby Lashley over Dave Fuckin’ Finlay, Number One Contender’s Match (DQ, Shillelagh-ference): Three months ago, this was essentially a Number One Contender’s Match for the US title. Two months ago, this was a match for the US title. Now it’s a Number One Contender’s Match for the world title. The thing is, both these guys deserve their elevation, and it’s all pretty much due to Finlay. He’s carried Lashley completely through their slow-burn feud, and he’s been able to teach a very receptive Lashley along the way on how to be a bad-ass in the ring. No, it’s definitely too soon for a title reign for Lashley (they’ve learned from the Randy Orton debacle), but it’s definite that Booker will have to carry him less (he’ll still have to carry him) and that the match at No Mercy won’t be a disaster. But what if they use Lashley as a transition champion to put the strap on Finlay at, say, Royal Rumble (assuming Booker’s rematch takes place at Armageddon)? Wouldn’t that blow everyone’s mind? And best of all, no one will say that Finlay hasn’t deserved it for what he’s done over the past year.

Hey, you get it where and when you can

Angle Developments:

For the Anglo-Irish, having one that size is something to brag about

Remember the good old days, when Deano Machine-o would eat the children of other wrestlers?

A Rare Misstep: “Jimmy Hayes’ or Buddy Roberts’ kid”, High-Quality Speaker Boy? Oh, shame on you. And Cole actually called you out on it too. Of course, the fact that Michael Hayes still works for WWE is probably the only reason Cole knew to call him out on that. How Cole understood the context is still beyond me. However, if the botched reference gets the young’uns in the IWC to actually find and watch some Freebirds matches (instead of just relying on Scooter’s negative opinion), that’s a good thing. A very good thing indeed. Of course, he then made up for that only a few minutes later with one of the best lines since Bobby Heenan’s heyday: “I am the freaking color commentator, moron! I am here to add color!”

All In The Familia: So what’s so shocking about Chavito and Vicki visiting Dominic? In storyline terms, if you remember, Chavito is Dominic’s cousin, and Vicki is his sort-of stepmother. So this is just a nice family visit, plus a reminder to Dominic that since he’s a Guerrero by genes, he’s got to turn on Rey-Rey just like every other Guerrero has to. It’s law, I think. If you’re still confused, Dominic, wait for a joint Smackdown/ECW taping while you’re on your annual What I Did On My Summer Vacation Essay trip with Dad, then go up to Jim Fullington and ask him about it. He’ll tell you, if you can understand the incoherent drunk ramblings. Then he’ll whack you over the head with a kendo stick.

They’re just happy that Dominic doesn’t have that sickening blond dye-job anymore

There are so many synonyms for “hideous” in the English language, but none cover this as well as that word

Trojans On The Wheel: “The Trojan Horse did not work on the Spartans”…well, Booker’s technically right. But to anyone that’s ever read the Iliad, that’s a pretty sad way to justify this. Of course, Booker’s in luck because most of the wrestling audience has never read the Iliad, thus showing what a pathetic, sad group of individuals they are. There are, after all, two types of people in this world: Homer fans like me, and Homer-sexuals like the majority of my readership.

“Thaddeus”?

Okay, let’s blow this off. I need some sleep, and Smackdown’s put me in the mood. So, until Tuesday and V3, I bid you and V2 adieu.