So we’re one night removed from Vengeance. Or was it Beware of Dog? Return of Taker? Oh, it was Unforgiven last night. Hey, I had that joke planned out months before Hats used it! Anywho, Raw starts in a dime and I’ll be here all night for better or worse.
Standard opening tonight for a change. Fireworks and we’re in Montreal, Quebec. Lillian introduces John Cena. HUUUUUUGGGGGEEEE BOOS! Cena salutes and is continuously booed. Cena says that this is absolute chaos. Cena says he’s not himself tonight and there are huge boos. John Cena can’t remember his name from all the hits he took to the head. He sees the belt and remembers it. He’s the champ. Cena runs through his feud while getting booed with a “boring” chant starting up. Cena says the feud has come to an end, and Edge’s music hits.
Lita looks relatively hot. Then again, they haven’t zoomed in on her face. Edge is more ghetto then Cena as his hat is on backwards. Edge says Cena’s win last night was like the rest of his career, a fluke. Edge says that he’s got a rematch clause, and he’ll use it when he wants to be become the three time world champion. Cena says last night I saw a hunger in you that I’ve never seen. Cena presents Edge with two options. 1. He could have a one man live sex celebration and go screw himself or 2. He could man up, and they could have a title match tonight.
Edge makes a point about wanting to win the title back in Canada. Edge says that Montreal isn’t Canada. It’s the inbred hick cousin of Canada. Huge boos as Edge makes Kermit jokes. Cena tells Edge that in all of 30 seconds, Edge has made everyone in the crowd want to see Cena beat the holy hell out of Edge. Huge cheers for Cena. Anywho, Edge doesn’t want to have Cena lose his belt to Edge in this city.
Edge wants revenge. Cade and Murdock hit the ring and take down Cena. DX hits the ring and cleans house. Coachman comes out and makes the rather obvious six man tag. Kane/Umaga is next.
A recap of Unforgiven is shown of DX destroying the McMahons. We’re back and Coach sends a hope filled message to the McMahons. He secured a room so all of the Superstars can send their well wishes to the McMahon family. First, it’s Shelton. He says that if he was Vince’s partner, his head wouldn’t have been shoved up Big”¦ well never mind. Shelton runs down why he thinks Vince didn’t choose him. It’s because he’s BLACK!!! Affirmative action Shelton Benjamin! Fantastic.
Umaga vs Kane: Three Minute Dental Work?
Kane starts out with a shoulder block that is no soled. They collide and nothing happens. Kane hits Umaga a few times. Overhead belly to belly suplex, and Armando has a chair. The ref grabs it and gets smushed by Umaga. Kane drops Umaga and then goes after Armando. Umaga is up. Chair shot to Kane. Cover. A new ref comes in and counts to two before Kane kicks out. What, no DQ? Commercials.
We’re back and Kane and Umaga are still slugging it out. Kane gets dropped by a Samoan Drop. Umaga looks stunned for some reason. Umaga picks Kane up and drops him again. Umaga tries for the splash in the corner but eats an elbow. Umaga is dazed. Big boot followed by a clothesline does not put Umaga down. The flying shoulder block does though. Umaga pops up and tries to dump Kane who guillotines him over the top rope.
Kane sees the chair and is ready to destroy Umaga. Umaga stops Kane with a thumb though, but rams his shoulder into the steel post. Umaga then eats Kane’s clothesline off the top. Kane signals chokeslam, but he picks up the chair instead. Armando pops in to try and stop him, but Kane tosses him off and dents the chair over Umaga’s head. Two more chairshots and Umaga is down.
Winner by DQ: Umaga
Kane chases Armando up the entrance ramp and grabs him by the neck carrying him to the back.
We’re back and Kane tosses a whimpering Estrada against a steel door. Kane is going to cut him up with a spike. Umaga makes the save and splashes Kane against the steel door. Angry sit up followed by evil laughing.
Meanwhile MARIA! She wants to wish Vince better. She watched Vince’s DVD but hasn’t gotten to the part where he wins the Super Bowl or when he was Jonny Carson’s sidekick. Maria wants to know if it was fun when Big Show’s ass was shoved in Vince’s face or was it really stank. The Spirit Squad interrupts and says they send a heart felt well wishes to all of the McMahons. Tonight though, Johnny is dedicating a match to Vince with Ric Flair. It’s next.
Ric Flair vs Johnny: A ONE ON ONE MATCH!?!
Johnny sends the rest of the Spirit Squad to the back. Johnny takes down Flair with a shoulder block and mounts him with punches. Flair turns this around with tons of chops followed by a knee drop. Johnny rolls outside only to eat more chops. Johnny gets an eye poke followed with a back drop. Flair gets rolled in.
Flair fights back a bit before Johnny hits a chop block. Johnny works away at Flair’s leg and hooks on the Figure Four to massive heat. Flair gets to the ropes and the hold is broken. Johnny heads up top and tries to hit a flying roundhouse which misses. Flair hits a chop block on the knee of Johnny. Flair tosses a few woos out and looks to go for a Figure Four. Johnny rolls him up, but Flair counters. Flair wins!
Winner: Ric Flair
In the back, Lita wants to wish Vince a get well soon. Of course she wants the Women’s title too. Mickey comes out and says how awesome it is Trish went out on top as a champ rather then on top of a champ. Of course Edge isn’t champ anymore. That earns Mickey a fat slap by Lita. She looks sad and a bit confused.
We’re back and we get a brief recap of what happened earlier in the night. Randy Orton comes out for an interview. Orton says he’s the best upcoming wrestler ever, the future of the industry. Nitro interrupts saying he’s the future of the industry. Nitro says he’s still the IC champ after Jeff Hardy’s comeback. Nitro asks Randy where his title is, “oh that’s right, he doesn’t have one”. Nitro says Orton doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
Chris Masters interrupts, and they both proceed to laugh at him after he says nobody breaks the Masterlock. They make fun of Masters until Carlito hits the ring. He smacks Randy Orton around a bit and hits Masters and Nitro for good measure. They beat him down until Super Crazy followed by Jeff Hardy hit the ring clearing the heels out.
The Coach comes on the Titantron to say he’s all about innovation. We’re not having a six man tag, but rather, a six pack challenge for the IC title right now.
Jeff Hardy vs Randy Orton vs Johnny Nitro vs Super Crazy vs Chris Masters vs Carlito: Six Pack Challenge for the IC Title
We’re back and it’s a clusterf*ck. Orton pins Hardy and Carlito breaks it up. First pin or submission wins. Everybody pins everyone broken up by everyone. This match really needed to be done with elimination rules. It’s one big resthold essentially. Carlito hits a springboard moonsault elbow, landing on his feet hitting Masters for two. Nitro comes off the top and Jeff Hardy catches him and power slams him for two.
Hardy pairs off with Orton, Masters/Carlito, and Super Crazy with Nitro. Everyone heads outside. Super Crazy looks likes he’s going to kill himself, but Nitro pulls him out. Nitro sends himself over the top and everyone dodges. Wow, funny spot. Super Crazy is in the ring SPRINGBOARD MOONSAULT AND HE LANDS ON HIS FEET TAKING EVERYONE OUT! What a crazy spot. A Super Crazy spot, if you will.
We’re back with Carlito getting two over Orton. Action during the commercial break was “breathtaking” apparently. This isn’t. Powerslam on Nitro by Orton gets two. Carlito takes Nitro in the corner and mounts him for seven punches and then hits a crossbody on Orton for a long two. Carlito is taken out shortly after that. We’re left with Jeff, Johnny, and Randy in the ring. Masters is content to beating Super Crazy on the outside. The match ends with the finishers. Hardy hits the Swanton on Masters and then gets tossed by Nitro. Carlito can’t break up the cover.
Winner and Still Intercontinental Champion: Johnny Nitro
On the Smackdown Rebound, Finlay loves to fight. So much so that he got himself DQed and Bobby Lashley is now the #1 Contender for King Booker’s title.
It’s Cryme Tyme kids. Cryme Tyme is throwing the bones until homeboy rolled up in the hood driving a mini van and asking for directions to the country club. Poor Whitie. “Homey is really wishing he used Mapquest now.” Cryme Tyme steals the mini van.
The Coach hopes Vince has enjoyed Raw so far, but he gets chased off by DX. Shawn thinks he’s experiencing Stockholm Syndrome with Vince and Shane. Triple H hasn’t even been to Stockholm and he’s feeling it too. DX has a video for Vince. Shawn can’t watch. It’s a big recap of what DX has done to Vince over the past few months capped by a few “Hell in the Cell” shots capped with the broken sledgehammer. Shawn and Triple H apply water bottle tears. Triple H has said it’s hard to say it’s come to the end. Triple H wrote a poem for Vince. Shawn even tosses out a suck it to end the segment. They spray paint the camera and head off in opposite directions. Triple H turns around.
Candice Michelle vs Lita: Please make it short!
It’s up next.
Lita comes out all pissy. The King makes a breast joke. Lita hits with clubbing blows as there is huge heat on her. The fans are chatting something in French followed by something that sounds like “You Can’t Wrestle”. Lita eats a kick in the face followed by a spinning roundhouse. Lita lures Candice over to the apron, pulls her out, and beats her down. “HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE”.
Lita gets a quick pin for two. She then proceeds to hammer away on Candice followed by a suplex for two. Lita slaps on a headlock. Candice fights up only to get pulled down by the hair. Side Russian leg sweep gets two for Lita. “You suck dick” chant for Lita. Honestly, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but she’s wrestling CANDICE. Candice might be the biggest whore in the history of the WWE. Lita is angry and shoves Candice down. More French chants as Lita hits a scoop slam.
Lita heads up top for what looks like a moonsault. Mickie James comes down and yells at Lita. Candice is up and she powerbombs Lita off the top rope! She keeps the pin. Candice wins.
Winner: Candice Michelle
Edge is in the back looking shocked. Cade and Murdock are the freshest and the hungriest apparently. Edge gets the troops pumped up. Main event is next.
Edge, Cade, and Murdock vs D-Generation X and John Cena: Two of these things are not like the other”¦
So who’s doing the job? Cade or Murdock? Might creative have the balls to have either of these guys get the pin over Cena, Shawn, or Lemmy? Crowd is still 80% behind Cena and 100% behind DX. Man, Canadians are really easy to jerk around it seems. The faces hit the ring hard, the bell rings, the heels are beaten out.
Lance Cade starts out with Cena. Cade gets the early advantage over Cena hammering away at him. Cade is apparently an Ethiopian he is so hungry according to JR. Cena runs over Cade and hits the throwback followed by a Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena goes for an FU but can’t keep Cade up. Cena tags in Michaels and it’s the first reminder of the Montreal Screw Job as Michaels gets major boos. Cade makes a tag to Trevor Murdock, and they double team Michaels. The heels beat down Michaels. Murdock is hated by the crowd so much that an HBK CHANT BREAKS OUT IN FUCKING MONTREAL! If that doesn’t tell you how bad the hicks are, I don’t know what will.
Edge is in now and it’s a side headlock. Shawn fights it off, but runs into a spinning elbow. Murdock gets a tag and Michaels is apparently fighting for his life. Murdock tries to beat up Triple H, but the Hs tosses a punch. Cade gets tagged in and eats an enziguri. Shawn finally makes a tag to Triple H and he is officially the most liked man in this match.
Triple H cleans house and well it goes pretty bad from there. Edge brings in a chair and it ends up in Triple H’s hands. The ref sees the chair shot (though it looks like he wasn’t supposed to) and he calls for the bell.
Winners by DQ: Hicks and Edge
The Hicks get dumped and it’s just Edge in the ring. He turns into a Sweet Chin Music and stumbles into a Pedigree. The night is over.
Decent show I suppose. There’s not a whole lot of direction though. The midcard is a wreck and DX is feuding with Cade and Murdock? Edge/Cena really should have come to an end tonight too. Ah well.
The Inside Pulse
– Cena is confronted by Edge in the opening promo. Cade and Murdock attack Cena who is then saved by DX. Jonathan Coachman comes out and makes a six man tag later tonight.
– Shelton Benjamin accuses Vince of not picking him as a partner simply because he’s black.
– Kane vs Umaga: Ref bump to star. Kane takes a chair shot, but kicks out after a 2nd ref comes down to call the match into the first commercial. The match ends with Kane hitting Umaga with a chair three times, kidnapping Estrada after the match.
– Kane is going to slam a steel spike into Estrada but Estrada is saved by Umaga.
– Maria wonders if Big Show’s ass stunk to Vince. She’s interupted by the Spirit Squad who announces Johnny has a match with Ric Flair next.
– Ric Flair defeats Johnny with a roll up.
– Lita uses her private time with Vince to ask for the Women’s Title back. She’s interrupted by Mickie James who talks about how great Trish was. After some brief verbal sparring, Lita slaps Mickie.
– Randy Orton is interupted by Johnny Nitro and then Chris Masters. Carlito comes out to beat down Orton and is joined by Super Crazy and Jeff Hardy. The Coach announces that these six men will compete in a Six-Pack Challenge for the IC title.
– Johnny Nitro retains the Intercontinental Title after pinning Chris Masters after a Swanton Bomb by Jeff Hardy over a match that spanned two commercial breaks.
– DX interupts the Coach in the back to wish Vince well at the end of their feud. They show a video, and Triple H reads a poem that tells Vince to suck it.
– Candice Michelle defeats Lita with a powerbomb off the 2nd rope after Lita is distracted by Mickie James.
– Edge rallies Cade and Murdock in the locker room.
– Edge, Trevor Murdock, and Lance Cade win by DQ when Triple H hits Trevor Murdock with a chair.
– The show ends with Edge being hit by a Sweet Chin Music followed by a Pedigree.