UNFORGIVEN CROWNED CENA
WE’RE SORRY TOO…
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Welcome to the Raw Report that talks back! For those just joining the new INSIDE PULSE v3 – The Monday Night Rabble is where we gather and watch wrestling. What we say goes into the report – at least the wrestling related comments that I hear and are in for maximum comedy potential.
Joining us are:
ERIC – He likes the stairs!
JENNA – She hates her homework!
HERNANDEZ – He hates most other races!
BILL – He loves himself!
DANI – She loves me!
And then the man that hates his friends, Me!
Now let’s get to the show………………………
Hey – shocker – they announced John Cena – and they booed… here he comes!
Hey, he’s got the spinner belt back.
“They pulled the sticker off” – Eric
“Dredged the river..” – Bill
As they flash around the crowd, they keep showing the crowd chanting ‘Cena’ yet all we hear are boos.
“It’s chaos. Absolute chaos. Normally I say ‘tonight is gonna be huge'”
“But you paid for nothin!” – Bill
“Even with everything going on, I’m not myself tonight.”
“He lost his smile” – Me
“Guys, I gotta bottomline it for ya. I was hit in the head last night. I went through such a match, hell I don’t even know what time it is, I don’t remember my name… wait… WAIT! It’s starting to become clear. Low and behold, –“
“The champ is here.. I get it…” – Me
“The set up was way to long for that” – Eric
“The champ is here.”
“Toldja so” – Me
“Now I know there is a little unrest in the force, regardless of how you feel is big. Here’s the bottomline.”
“Cena, I pop for you, and you are boring me.” – Bill
Cena takes in the boos…. pauses a lot…. I can write more elipsis you know…
“All have that you have seen the last few months is me taking a thousand spears.”
“In the face” – Hernandez
“I have taken two thousand sneak attacks”
“In the ass?” – Hernandez
He then prattles on about Lita jokes, tossing into the oceans, and then discusses that the epic battle between he and Cena has come to an end.
“Except for the rematch clause.” – Eric
“HEY! The goldless couple!” – Bill
Here comes Edge and Lita! They come into the ring and stare. Edge wants to know if Cena believes all his crap. His win was like his career, a fluke. Cena wants Edge to listen real close… last night, Cena saw something in Edge he had never seen before…
“Love?” – Me
Fire and passion.
“Close enough” – Me
“But if you wanna come out here and talk like that to me right now. That leaves you two options. Option A – Because you are the Rated R Superstar – have a gigantic one man sex celebration and go screw yourself.”
“Is Cena having a live sex celebration with Edge?” – Dani
“Option B – Let’s have a WWE Title rematch right now.”
“Lemme get my spinplate” – Hernandez
Edge then makes potshots at Montreal and not winning the belt in Canada.
“Heyyyy… Sylvan!” – Eric
“LA RESISTANCE!” – Bill
“Last night I took more punishment than most people take in their entire lives.” – Edge
“And that was just with Lita.” – Me
Edge doesn’t want the rematch tonight. Cena congratulates him for making it that all these people want Cena to beat the hell out of him. They do in fact cheer for that. It was an impressive little switch. Cena than asks if he doesn’t want the rematch, what the hell does he want.
Edge wants payback for the worst night of his life.
“MY FOURTEENTH BIRTHDAY!” – Me
Losing in front of his mom in the second row.
“But I won for my Dad.” – Bill
“In the first row!” – Eric
So Edge pushes Cena – Cena attacks Edge – and then in run Cade & Murdoch?! Then all three of them beat them down. He refers to Cade & Murdoch as ‘The Redneck Whirling Dervish..’ suuurrreee…
So now in runs Degeneration X! Hmm… ok. They run in and beat down Cade & Murdoch and Edge bails. Leaving DX & Cena in the ring.
So here comes Coach.. because, ya know, naturally.
“My name is…” – Coach
“ARMANDOOOOOOOooooo.. nevermind” – Bill
“Coach.” – Coach
He’s going to do what Mr McMahon would do.
“Throw DX out of the arena?” – Bill
So he gives us the six-man tag match… duh.
So as we skim to commercial, Trips is glaring at Cena… and Cena gives him a little ‘yeah, I know’ nod.
And also Kane vs. Umaga rematch.
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:17
In the back – Coach is standing in front of a blue backdrop. He smiles and says hello to Vince McMahon and Shane. He wishes them well, and hopes they like what he does with Raw. He has a surprise for them though. Some wrestlers want to give well wishes for a speedy recovery. The first one.. Shelton Benjamin.
“We had to get you on TV somehow.” – Eric
Shelton smiles.
“Where’s the paycheck Foo?” – Hernandez
Shelton says the match would have been better if he was Vince’s tag partner. Why wasn’t he? Was he not good enough?
“No, it’s your sunglasses.” – Eric
“It’s obviously because you are black, and gay.” – Hernandez
Shelton then stares at his own hand.. and exclaims that it is, in fact, because he’s black. Coach stops him from going on.
And here comesssss UMAGA!
Kane’s pyro is set-up! So here we go.
KANE vs. UMAGA
Rematch #1… duh
They hit the ropes and clash a few times. Finally Kane punches him – but hits the ropes and eats a belly to belly from Umaga. Armando has a steel chair already, and the ref takes it from him as Kane runs in to squash Umaga and gets the ref as well!
Umaga goes and el SMACKOS Kane with the chair and in slides a new ref… FOR TWO.
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:25
“Terrible break” – Hernandez
“And we’re going to come back and the match will be over” – Bill
“Good.” – Eric
We’re back and Umaga runs into Kane’s boot. Kane charges and eats the samoan drop! Now Umaga picks him up and drops Kane to the face. Kane does the sit-up thing and they get to their feet. Kane hits hits hits and clotheslines. Second clothesline is ducked and then at half pace hits a shoulder check.
On their feet again, Umaga tosses Kane off the top to the apron and then he chokes Umaga on the ropes…. back in the ring he goes and Umaga tries to charge him in the corner, but Kane moves.. dummy. Now Kane hits the top rope and the big clothesline!
“MOMENTUM METER IS FULL!” – Bill
Kane raises up his arm, but now grabs the chair that was left in the ring. Winds up, and Armando runs in to hit Kane. Kane turns around, but then swings around to hit Umaga KWAAAAAAAAAANG! Kane gets DQ’d. Even though Umaga was the one that should have been since the manager interference.. oh whatever.
WINNER: UMAGA via DQ
Kane throws Armando to the back..
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:33
In the back – Kane is beating the hell out of Armando. Then Umaga beats the hell out of Kane. He leaves Kane beaten to hell… and he sits up…
Now it’s Maria’s!!! EVERYBODY SHUT UP!
“Take a closer look at her lips (the ones on her face). It looks like there may be some herp below the lipstick. That’s all I’m saying.” – Forum Admin Ellie
She’s just jealous of my pretty pretty Maria.
“Hi Vince – it’s me, Maria! I hope you are doing ok. I’ve been watching your DVD and I haven’t gotten to any of the good parts yet. …What I was really wondering, when they pulled down Big Show’s pants. Was it like going in the Grand Canyon, or when Batman opens the Batcave and everyone goes in.. or was it.. really..really.. stank.” – Maria
Spirit Squad interrupts Maria… dammit. One of the SS – Johnny – has challenged Ric Flair to a match.
Now the hands in the middle — ONE TWO THREE..
“SNEAK ATTACK IN THE ASS” – Hernandez
“GET A TOWEL” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:40
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
“WOO!” – Bill & Eric
JOHNNY vs. RIC FLAIR
We don’t know why.
“This match brought to you by Ric Flair Financial” – Hernandez
“Problems with Alimony?” – Bill
“Issues with Road Rage?” – Hernandez
“Addiction to colorful robes, can’t pay the tanning salon… we can go on…” – Bill
Lock up to start – side headlock from Johnny. He drops Flair and punches him in the head. Brings Ric to his feet and throws some choppy choppy! Flair kneedrops Johnny. He bails out and BIGGGG Ol chops as Flair catches up with him.
So Johnny gives him the big back body drop, and Flair lands BADLY…
“There goes one of his screws.” – Jenna
Back in the ring Johnny clips Flair’s leg… badly. Flair seems kinda pissed… so Johnny locks in the Figure Four?!?! Flair easily grabs the ropes. Gets up on the outside of the apron and eats a suplex back in the ring.
As they get to their feet, Johnny now gets leg clipped. Flair goes for his OWN figure four – but an inside cradle from Johnny…. Flair rolls it back over – FOR THREE!
Thank god he won that fairly easily..
WINNER: FLAIR
Lita now talking to McMahon.
She’s sad about what happened to McMahon last night.. so’s Edge. Now she wants to talk about the Women’s Title. Mickey James interrupts…. refers to Trish as the greatest women’s champion ever. So Mickey giggles about Edge and Lita not being champions and gets slappo’d!
“YOU BROKE MY MANDIBLE!” – Hernandez
CANDICE vs. LITA – next?
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:53
Hey, here comes Randy Orton.
“Apparently it’s not Candice or Lita.” – Me
“Clearly” – Eric
Orton has got stitches on his lower lip….
“And now thounds like Chrith Mathterth..” – Hernandez
He explains that his win was one of the greatest matches in wrestling history. He declares he is the future of the wrestling industry.
“We’ve got nothing to look forward to.” – Bill
Aw crap – Nitro wants to talk. He claims that HE is the future of the industry.
“With my promo cutting prowess.” – Bill
“After all the hype of Hardy’s comeback… who is still the IC Title holder” – Nitro
Nitro says that Orton’s been living off his hype, and we can’t help but stare at Nitro’s cheek growth.
“It’s lil Nitro.” – Hernandez
“It’s Quato!” – Bill
“Frrreeeeeee MAAaaarrrrsssss” – Me
So they continue to bibble on unntilllllll—
CHRITH MATHTERTH!!!!!! He believes that he should be the intercontinental champion…
“This match needs someone who can cut a promo” – Bill
“Napalm would make this promo so much better” – Hernandez
Orton & Nitro laugh at Masters… claiming that he’s lost two weeks in a row to someone who should be bussing tables.
Here comes Carlito!
“Winners! That’s cool. Raaandy, look at you! I gotta admit, you won last night. Your face doesn’t look that good, but you won last night. THere is something about Carlito you should know. Carlito’s a sore loser.”
And then he attacks Orton! Nice.
And now it’s 3 On One!
“Melina’s used to it” – Bill
In runs Super Crazy and Jeff Hardy! Super Crazy gets so hyped after they clear house he goes after Carlito.
“Why did he do that?” – Bill
“Mexicans and Puerto Ricans don’t get along.” – Hernandez
So Carlito says that we’re going to have a Fatal Six-Way match after the commercial! NICE!
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:06
ORTON vs NITRO vs MATHERTH vs SUPER CRAZY vs HARDY vs CARLITO
Chinchilla Wins The IC Title! – Bill
We’re back and they’ve started the match already….
“I hate commercials” – Bill
Mathters goes for a pin on Orton. Hardy stops it. In the middle of the ring now Orton drops Hardy. Carlito stops it! How is someone going to win this?!
Orton is now fighting Hardy. Mathters suplexes Carlito and pins for two. Hardy is choking out Orton on the ropes… Mathters still on Carlito – and Orton comes to help while Nitro hits a russian leg sweep on Hardy. In runs Crazy with a snapmare on Nitro. Elbows him for a pin – Hardy stops it. Orton runs in to pin Nitro – stopped by Hardy.
In the middle of the ring Carlito and Mathters have a chopfest.
Carlito hits the moonsault back elbow bit on Masters.. nice spot.
Hardy catches Nitro as he flies off the turnbuckle – but gets a two count. Hardy grabs Orton and throws a jawbreaker. Crazy tries to pin Orton, but Masthters stopth it.
Leg drop from Hardy to Orton for two.
PREDICTION: 3 People getting pinned at the same time – Eric
Super Crazy hits a badass dropkick on Nitro, and Carlito pushes him out of the way for his own pin. Orton throws him away to try and pin.. two count.
Orton and Nitro now working on Carlito with Mathters legdropping Hardy. Mathters then throws out Super Crazy. Somehow Orton gets tossed out and Carlito suicide dives. Hardy runs the ramp and MISSES with a clothesline out of sheer silliness. So they are all fighting on the outside and Nitro goes to hit the plancha.. AND EVERYONE MOVES.. HYSTERICAL!
Super Crazy hits the ropes – top rope plancha moonsault – HITS EM ALL – LANDS ON HIS FEET! BADASS!
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:18
We’re back and everyone’s lying down – cept Carlito who runs to pin Mathters. Crazy stops it. Lots of exchanges. Beautiful powerslam to Nitro from Orton for two as SC and Carlito stop it.
Time passes – Orton dropkicks Carlito out of the ring. Mathters is working with Crazy. Hardy now cleaning house on Orton and Nitro! Big dropkick sends down Nitro – but Orton capitalizes and grabs him.. tosses him to the ropes… Orton hits the RKO on Nitro! Backcracker to Orton! Mathterlock to Carlito! DROPKICK FROM NOWHERE FROM CRAZY! He heads up top! He’s pushed off by Hardy! Swanton from Hardy!!!! NITRO GRABS HIM! TOSSED!
ONE – TWO – THREEEE!
WINNER: NITRO
Hey! It’s CRYYYYME TIME!
This week they are kicking back and throwing some bones.
They steal a car. So are they heels? Fury thinks yes.
Coach starts talking to Vince and he’s interrupted by DX.
DX explains that they are going through Stockholk Syndrome and feeling bad about Vince not being there. Like a piece of them is missing…. so they put together a video package!
They come back to DX crying… Triple H wrote a poem to explain how he feels.
“Stolen from Heidenreich” – Hernandez
“Vince we know you are angry.
YOur concern is valid.
After last night…
you tossed Big Show’s salad.”
So they finish the poem with both of them saying ‘SUCK IT!’ Shawn said it! Neat!
“Did Jesus Kick just say “suck it?”” – FORUM GUY: CAPTAIN SPAULDING
Hey, here comes Candice! She’s wearing a satin dressy thing.
We discuss as to whether Candice or Maria deserve the lech award… we’ll stick with Maria, but Candice looks nice!
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:35
So Lita comes on down wearing the same pants as last night.
CANDICE vs. LITA
Mickieeeee
Lita beats Candice down. The Boring & Slut chants start before the match begins.. including the ‘YOU CAN’T WRESTLE’ chant.
So in the ring – Candice elbows Lita down. Throws a side kick and Lita bails. As a note all the stuff I didn’t write… sucked.
Candice walks up and Lita pulls her outside.
“Candice haven’t you ever SEEN wrestling before?” – Eric
“Why the hell would she do that?” – Me
“She’s got a tough schedule of tanning.” – Bill
Back in the ring – Lita kicks Candice around. Suplex from Lita for two. Candice tries to fight out of it, but only to get slammed down. Another slam, another pin, another two.
“Mickie? Waiiiit for it..” – Bill
A ‘You Suck Dick’ chant – nice. So Lita charges Candice, eats a backelbow and a roll over for two from Candice. Lita just now pushes her down repeatedly. Lita finally goes up to the top turnbuckle…. and here comes Mickie James to talk to Lita!
Candice runs under Lita – bad powerbomb… win!
WINNER: CANDICE
In the back Murdoch tries to tell Edge they gave DX the worst beating of their lives.
“I don’t even know who you people are..” – Bill
They are the freshest… neediest…
“Crispest?” – Eric
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:48
Eric would like to inform you all that if someone gets fired over Vince getting shoved up Show’s ass.. it should be Michael Cole. Thank you.
CADE & MURDOCH & EDGE vs. SHAWN & TRIPS & CENA
I am sorry I had to type that
So DX comes in and the ring gets cleared by them and Cena.
Cade starts in the ring with Cena – being chopped around. Finally Cena hits the shouldertackles – a five knuckle. Goes for the FU – but Cade gets out of it… CADE GOT OUT OF THE FU!?!??!?!? Geezus…. Anyway tag to Shawn and the Montreal Boos Begin!
Tag to Murdoch and as Cade beats on Shawn, in runs Murdoch to clothesline him down. Tag to Edge. Standing dropkick from Edge and a tag to Murdoch. Punch to his gut, and a chop return from Shawn. Murdoch now knuckles into Shawn’s bandaged head.
Tag to Cade and Shawn hits a jawbreaker, leading him into Cade with a neckbreaker for two.
Tag to Edge who punches Shawn. Elbow to the back of Shawn’s head. Snapmare from Edge into a headlock. Shawn fights his way out and hits the ropes only to get hit. Tag to Murdoch, who gives a reverse elbow, then a dropped elbow. Now they begin to go punch to punch, but Murdoch wins it. Murdoch turns around only to get hit by Trips…. Shawn hits the —
“Fat body drop” – Bill
Murdoch hits the tag to Cade, and as Cade runs in, Shawn hits the enzuigiri. Shawn fights for the hot tag to Triple H. Cade gets Edge. Shawn gets Trips. Trips drops Edge. Drops Murdoch. Hits the facebuster on Edge and a clothesline. He sets up Edge into the Pedigree and Cade hits a clothesline
“..from Hell?” – Eric
Now the ring breaks into everyone fighting everyone. Trips hits the spinebuster. Cade has a chair. Kicked out of the way, and Shawn grabs it and just begins to swing. He hits Murdoch with the chair and that ends that.
Cena runs in with Cade though – FU!!!
J E S U S—– WHACK! — KICK WHAM PEDIGREE!
WINNERS: EDGE & MURDOCH & CADE via DQ
“So does that mean that Cena is really X-Pac?” – Eric
“It’s been an amazing two nights!” – JR
“Sorry I can’t say that with a straight face” – Hernandez
So they let Cena do the crotch chop for the fireworks spot – and that’s that.
So what did we think?
“Mrmrrrrrmrmrr basic letdown” – Eric
“Yech” – Jenna
“Not bad. Not amazing, but not bad.” – Hernandez
“I find it sad to say, the Cena spots were the weakest” – Bill
“Whatevah” – Dani
And I say “I want more clusterf*ck IC matches… and Maria.”
Ok, we’ll see you all next week with more bat time and more bat channel.
Thanks everyone!
