– Hey NeelDowners, it’s been a while, no? The twenty-third of last month to be exact, with the NeelDown Hard Justice rant. New job, new classes, what can I say? The absence came without warning, and I wanted to return on this triumphant debut of InsidePulse Version 3 which Widro has done a superb job on, just to say hey, I’m not going anywhere. Some DVD reviews will be popping up sooner or later, but until then, here I have RAW this week (apparently a lot of you love when I fill in for Zarur), enjoy the new format of the site, or go rub one off or Eric or something. By the way, the Cincinnati Cyclones season kicks off October 20 at home against the Pensacola Ice Pilots.
– I’m coming into this show fresh off of catching Unforgiven at the sports bar last night. As many of you know, I’m basically a hate mail magnet for Cena supporters, and I’m not going to change that now. Take that was a warning.
– NOTE: New e-mail address! cyclonehole@gmail.com Still a G-Mail account yes, but to be cynically honest I’m quite sick of the mark.a.neeley account that I’ve been using since G-Mail came out and have been using through most of my IP stint. The new one is much fresher, and most significantly, a hell of a lot easier both for me and for you to type. For those keeping score at your humble abode, the m.a.n account is 605 pieces in the inbox strong. Once everyone has been clearly and thoroughly informed of the new address, I’ll probably end up deleting this one, because what do I need it sitting around to collect and gather medical prescription or tire discounter spam offers?
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The NeelDown RAW Rant – September 18th, 2006
– Hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler
– Live from Montreal, Quebec
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– We start things off with a welcoming of your new 3-time WWE Champion, the wigg– John Cena, who gets his annual deadly boos so he tries to make some unfunny jokes about it. He says last night he was hit in the head. A lot. He says he can’t remember his name or what time it is. We take a pause as the fans start many different chants, mostly negative. He starts making Lita oral sex jokes. BOOM! The original-ness keeps on flowing. Out comes Edge, the Canadians cheer. Edge says his win last night was like his entire career, a fluke. Crowd cheers. Edge boasts about his rematch clause on how he will win his third Championship. As much as I’d like to see that, you meant to tell me this feud is going to CONTINUE? Just shoot me right now. Cena says he can have a one-man screw-fest (more gay sex jokes from Cena! Woo!) or he can have a rematch now. Here’s the newsflash from Edge: “This isn’t Canada. Nah, see, this is the cheese-eating, wine-breading inbred loving Montreal.” Edge makes Muppet Show jokes about the crowd, comparing them to Kermit’s ribbits. Once again they have to save Cena by having the heel already getting cheered to further insult the crowd’s location. Cena uses the “wham-bulence” joke that went old on Survivor last season during one of the obstacle course challenges. Edge says he brought A back-up plan and Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch appear in the ring and give Cena their High-Low maneuver. They all beat down on Cena until DX make the save. Now executive assistant Jonathan Coachman comes out and does “what Vince would do,” and make a six-man tag match tonight, with Edge, Cade & Murdoch v. Cena & DX. Well, at least DX is virtually fighting someone who doesn’t have a last name of McMonopoly for once.
– Coach hopes that Vince & Shane will be pleased with the way he runs Raw tonight. Shelton Benjamin (what happened to that guy?) shows up to say that if he had been Vince’s partner last night in the Hell In A Cell, he wouldn’t have got his head shoved up a 500-pound man’s gluteus maximus. Shelton has been pulling his hair out of his roots wondering why he was not picked. He knows why! It’s because HE’S BLACK! Coach interrupts the cliche racial protest speech, and apologizes. Wow, that was much needed and informative. I wonder what Shelton thinks of the new Survivor: Cook Islands.
OOOOOOOmmmmmagggggaaaaa v. Kane
This is apparently a “who is the real monster” rematch from last night. Slug fest to start, won out by Umaga who snaps off a belly to belly. Estrada tries giving Umaga a chair already, but Kane interrupts that and takes out the ref in the process. Kane DDTs him but gets too distracted by Estrada and Umaga wacks him with the chair for two. Well, if that ain’t an opening sequence to head into the first round of advertisements with.
Kane gets a boot out of the corner but charges straight into a samoan drop. Sloppy inverted DDT and an ass clobber attempt, but Kane blocks it and gets the big boot and an UGLY looking flying shoulder. Kane gets dumped to the apron where he skins the cat, then gets a chair, but the chair wack is blocked with a thumb. Oy. Corner spear misses and Kane follows with the flying clothesline. Kane then has some fun with the chair and gets DQ’ed. This was a big sloppy mess and just something to fill the card as an annual PPV rematch. The whole thing concentrated on the chair use, and it was just a race on which one was going to finally get caught with it for the DQ. Kane chases Estrada to the back afterwards. ( 3/4* )
Winner: Umaga (DQ)
– Maria’s turn on the Vince web cam, who says she has been watching his DVD and hasn’t seen any good parts yet, like when he was Johnny Carson’s sidekick or the quarterback for the Chicago Bears. She then wonders how bad Big Slow’s ass stank. The Spirit Squad interrupt and apologize for the pain and suffering they endured last night, but they have good news, they are still the Tag Team Champions.
Ric Flair v. Johnny
It’s Johnny of the SS, not a token jobber. Johnny attacks to start but gets chopped and elbowed down. Rolling knee drop by Flair gets two, forcing Johnny to the outside where he is met with more chops until Johnny rakes the eyes and nearly botches a backdrop on the floor, but he got him over, awkward-bump aside. Back in Flair fights back but Johnny chop blocks him and attacks the leg, then locks in his own Figure Four. Flair tries retreating to the apron for whatever reason, but Johnny suplexes him back in.
Flair returns the favor with the chop block and locks in the real Figure Four, but Johnny blocks it so Flair counters to an inside cradle for the pin. Really solid short match. ( **1/2 )
Winner: Ric Flair
– Lita time on the Vince-Cam, who is interrupted by Mickie James who talks about Trish going out on top, and then mentions how both Edge and her are not now Champions. She gets slapped.
– Randy Orton comes out to talk about the trauma in stitches to his beautiful face, but he still won his match last match. He talks about how courageous he was and that he is the future of the industry. He is answered by Johnny Nitro. JR notes that in a recent magazine Melina revealed that she enjoys having sex with men who leave their socks on. Oy. For all of those people who think “watching” Nitro talk is like patiently watching paint dry, he shows them his IC belt. Nitro says Randy’s been coasting on his reputation for years. True. And while he’s been talking about making it to the top, some of us have been making it. Out comes new goatee-dawning attempt to look younger Chris Masters, who is the future because no body breaks his Master Lock. Orton and Nitro both get a good giggle and chucklefest out of that. Well, at least Master’s was kept short and sweet so his atrocious mic skills didn’t kill whatever part of a reputation he had left. Now out comes Carlito. He says he’s a sore loser and attacks Orton. Now everyone gangbangs Carlito until Super Crazy makes the theatrical save, and now in comes Jeff Hardy to help the faces. Coach via titantron informs us that all six of those will compete right now in a six-pack challenge, winners walks out Intercontinental challenge.
Johnny Nitro v. Randy Orton v. Chris Masters v. Carlito v. Jeff Hardy v. Super Crazy – Intercontinental Championship
As explained earlier, this is a six-pack challenge, winner walks out IC champ. So everybody is in the ring, first to pin is the champ. Masters works on Orton to start, and Nitro yanks Crazy to the floor for some brawling. Orton uppercuts Hardy down, Carlito breaks the pin. Carlito works on Masters while Orton goes after Hardy in the opposite corner. Nitro comes in to cover Crazy for two. Nitro rolls Hardy up for two while everyone else does the token Royal Rumble-like corner offense stalling. Nitro Russian leg sweeps Hardy, Crazy breaks the pin. Orton and Masters work on Carlito on the apron while Crazy takes out Nitro with an elbow for two.
Orton tries covering Nitro, Hardy breaks the pin. Carlito gets his snap moonsault on Masters, Nitro breaks the pin. Tri-fecta corner staling by everyone else as Hardy catches Nitro with a slam for two. Crazy takes out Orton for two. Hardy leg drops Orton for two. Nitro covers Crazy for two. Crazy dropkicks Nitro, Carlito rushes in to make the pin, Orton shoves him off and makes the pin, but Masters breaks that up. Things slow down again with the heels in control and Orton and Nitro work on double-teaming Carlito. Orton gets dumped and Carlito follows him out with a splash. Hardy jumps the rail to get his token spot and everyone brawls on the floor until Nitro attempts to splash them but everyone moves out of the way and they quadruple stomp him. Crazy moonsaults out onto all five of them.
The MONTREAL MAYHEM continues with a bunch of other close falls that get broken up while various people choke each other in the corner to take up time. Orton gets a snap powerslam on Nitro, Crazy breaks it up with a low dropkick and tries a pin himself, but Carlito breaks that up. Carlito gets a close two on Orton. Orton’s TEXTBOOK DROPKICK OF DOOM on Hardy gets two. Carlito’s downward spiral on Nitro gets two. Hardy punches everybody down until he gets double backdropped by Orton and Hardy. Nitro sneaks in but gets RKO’ed. Backcracker on Orton. Master Lock on Carlito. Crazy breaks it up out of nowhere with a springboard and then goes up top, but Hardy launches him off onto the barricade. Hardy manages a nice-looking Swanton on Masters in return, but Nitro rolls him out and covers Masters himself for the pin to retain the IC title. It was pretty sloppy, battle royale-ish stuff through most of it, but it picked up with some interesting spots and a super hot finish. ( *** )
Winner: Johnny Nitro
– DX’s turn on Vince-Cam. We see a video tribute of the DX return. Cock jokes, yay. They say last night he tossed Big Slow’s salad and almost kicked the bucket, now suck it.
Candice Michelle v. Lita
I suppose this is the attempt at the show’s T & A break … but why exactly would they put Lita in there instead of say, Torrie? Lita takes her down to start to an array of “boring” chants, rightfully. King says that the chants are in French so he can’t understand it. Lita does some choking. Candice gets … some kind of attempt at a spin kick forcing Lita to bail. JR duly notes that Lita is not in a “Celine Dionne happy mood.” Floatover suplex by Lita gets two. So they are fully dressed and this is supposed to be a real match? Ugly. “You Can’t Wrestle” chants start as King continues to talk about how he can’t comprehend such French drivel. Well, smart booking to put Cena in a tag match tonight. Candice gets a schoolgirl for two. Lita continues to waste time with a powerslam and stopping to look around at the disrespectful arena. Lita goes up for a moonsault but Mickie comes out and Candice powerbombs Lita off for the pin. Total mess that only got the crowd pissed rather than relaxed, understandably. ( -1/2* )
Winner: Candice Michelle
Edge, Trevor Murdoch & Lance Cade v. John Cena & De-Generation X
Cade starts with Cena, and clubs him down then worms him over in the corner with chops. Cena fights back with a flying shoulder and back suplex. What, two out of the five moves done already?!?! People’s Elbow rip-off, there’s three! FU attempt is countered by Cade who then slams him down, but an elbow drop misses and Shawn is tagged in. Cade gives Shawn an atomic drop and Murdoch boots him down, then stops to pose with two peace symbols. That was pretty comical. And people wonder why I have praised this Cade & Murdoch team before.
Edge comes in to continue to work over Shawn and gets a dropkick. Murdoch comes back in to continue the assault, as he yells to Shawn that he is nothing. Cade comes back in and gets a neckbreaker on Shawn for two. Back in comes Edge who mocks Shawn and then snapmares him into a rear choke. First of the night, actually. That’s a shocker. Edge tags out to Murdoch who comes in and drops a few elbows for two. Shawn fights back with a DESPERATION BACK DROP forcing Murdoch to tag out to Cade. Shawn gets an enzigiri on Cade and makes the hot tag to HHH as Edge gets tagged in from the heel corner.
HHH gets the high knee on Edge, then the facebuster, now the clothesline. Pedigree on Edge is stopped by a big clothesline by Cade. While all of the chaos ensues Edge tries sneaking in a chair, but HHH gives him a spinebuster for his troubles. Murdoch tries using the chair but Shawn grabs it and uses it on him for the weak, unspotty DQ. Superkick to Edge, Pedigree to Edge. Short main event which was sloppy and thrown together to continue an ongoing feud, with a mindless DQ out of nowhere. Pretty damn short as well. ( ** )
Winners: John Cena & De-Generation X
End of show.
