V3 is up and running! So, finally, these Week 2 musings that have been trapped in my PC can be shared with an unenthusiastic public. Next week, look for a running log of these musings that will be updated throughout the day…
EARLY GAME PREVIEW
OAKLAND RAIDERS (0-1)
AT BALTIMORE RAVENS (1-0)
VEGAS SAYS
RAVENS 23-10
Do you ever sometimes wonder to yourself how the Raiders have actually been to a Super Bowl fairly recently, and with Bill Callahan as their coach? That has to be the single biggest WTF in pro sports that has occurred this decade. I don’t even want to hear about, “The Ravens won a Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer as their QB.” That doesn’t even come close.
HOUSTON TEXANS (0-1)
AT INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (1-0)
VEGAS SAYS
COLTS 30-17
The Texans were 0-8 on the road last year, and are 0-8 against the Colts since they came into their wretched existence in 2002. I have a soft spot for David Carr because he’s the only QB who consistently gets sacked as many times as I do playing Madden 07. The only difference is, I know I get sacked all the time because I suck at Madden 07. What I’m saying is, David Carr sucks at football.
CLEVELAND BROWNS (0-1)
AT CINCINNATI BENGALS (1-0)
VEGAS SAYS
BENGALS 24-14
Geez did we schedule enough mismatches this week? Where’s Oklahoma against Southeast Louisiana? I was disappointed in the Browns last week. I kind of thought they’d be a hard-nosed sleeper team this year. Wrong again, Nostradamus.
BUFFALO BILLS (0-1)
AT MIAMI DOLPHINS (0-1)
VEGAS SAYS
DOLPHINS 23-16
This would be an awesome game, if this was 1991 and I was playing Super Tecmo Bowl. My fantasy stud of the week is Ronnie Brown. I say he runs wild against the Bills this week. Since this on tape delay though, this information is completely useless to you by now.
DETROIT LIONS (0-1)
AT CHICAGO BEARS (1-0)
VEGAS SAYS
BEARS 20-13
Lions WR Roy Williams said the Lions “Almost scored 40 points last week”. In case you weren’t keeping track, the Lions scored six points last week. I officially anoint this quote of the century.
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (0-1)
AT ATLANTA FALCONS (1-0)
VEGAS SAYS
FALCONS 21-16
I’m worried about the Bucs. It looks like someone’s pinched them, and they realize now, “Oh shit, our QB is Chris Simms, our running back is just as likely to rush for 20 yards in a game as he is to rush for 120 yards, and our stud receiver is 50 years old.”
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (1-0)
AT GREEN BAY PACKERS (0-1)
VEGAS SAYS
SAINTS 21-20
When the Saints played in Green Bay last year, the Saints lost 52-3 and Deuce McAllister blew out his knee. Brett Favre has thrown 10 TD passes vs. 1 INT in his career against the Saints. But most of those stats were accumulated before he became the incompetent shell of a man he is today.
Aaand that’s it for the previews. We’re closing in on kickoff, so I’ll be back at 12:15 to cover all the goings on…
12:15 UPDATE
Things have been absolutely NUTS early on in Week 2. Or, as ESPN likes to call it, “RIVALRY WEEK”. I don’t know if I’m quite ready for that, as I am still recovering from “Separation Saturday”. Let’s take a look at who’s on the board already, as I shove leftover Gino’s East pizza into my piehole:
-The Giants and Eagles have already traded TD’s. Eli Manning opened the scoring with a 37 yard pass to Amani Toomer. Philly came right back, answering with a 12 yard TD run by Brian Westbrook, whose foot is being held together with Saran Wrap.
-David Car’s already been sacked twice by Rashean Mathis, and has fumbled twice. Peyton Manning converted them into a pair of TD passes, one to Joseph Addai, and one to Brandon Stokley, and the Colts are well on their way to their semiannual beating of the Texans, leading them 14-0.
-The Packers are up 10-0 on the Saints?? I better call my DSL provider, that can’t be right. Apparently Brett Favre has thrown a TD pass and it was actually to somebody on his own team. Deuce “The Ball Is Loose” McAllister has already lost two fumbles.
-There’s already been 3 turnovers at Soldier Field, but the Bears lead it 10-0. Rex Grossman has a TD pass to tight end John Gilmore. The Lions are this close to having 40 points though, you would not believe.
-Michael Vick is scampering all over the place like a gazelle with herpes. He has 49 rushing yards and a TD as the Falcons lead 7-0 at the Georgia Dome.
-The Bengals are without TJ Who’s Your Mama, but Kelley Wasington has stepped in and caught a TD pass from Carson Palmer. The Bengals lead Cleveland 7-3.
12:45 UPDATE
-Wait, so the Texans have Samkon Gado AND Ron Dayne now? Damn – they should just sign Earl Campbell. Joseph Addai has scored his second TD of the game and the Colts lead Houston like a million to nothing. Of course, I’m playing against Joseph Addai this week. Christ almighty, you look at your fantasy matchup at 10 AM and you’re all like, “Ha, ha, ha this dipshit is starting Joseph Addai we’re going to roll today.” Then next thing you know it’s not even halftime and Joseph Addai has two touchdowns. Now I know why I am usually clinically insane by Thanksgiving. Because I’m here tearing my hair out because I’m losing to the team that has Tom (from Tom and Jerry) smoking a cigarette and wearing a cowboy hat as their logo.
-Whaaaa? It seems Addai’s TD has been erased from existence somehow. That’s beautiful. Screw you Joseph Addai. The Colts are only up 14-0 now.
-I’ll be damned but the Michelin Man, Rex Grossman, has 2 TD passes in the first half. He’s just hit Bernard Berrian for a 41 yard score and the Bears are all over the Lions, 17-0.
-Matt Stove’s booted 3 field goals and the Ravens lead Oakland 9-0. This game looks about as exciting as a Canadian soccer game.
-Chad Johnson’s scored his first TD of the season, and the Bengals are in control against the Brownies, 14-3.
-Look at that little bitch Donte Stallworth. He’s got himself another TD. That’s 53 receiving yards and a TD and we’re barely into the 2nd quarter. Philly leads NYG 14-7, and Tiki Barber has been held to 8 yards on 6 carries.
-Ha ha ha. What a dumbshit. The guy I’m playing against has Donte Stallworth and didn’t start him. Have fun with Chris Chambers, retard.
1:00 UPDATE
-You know what I forgot about Daunte Culpepper? That he plays like he has mittens on. He’s already lost 2 fumbles, and the Bills lead Miami 3-0 despite JP Losman’s completing 1 of 6 passes for 14 yards.
-It’s time for Chucky to fashion himself a panic button, and start pressing it really hard. Tampa’s down 14-0 at Atlanta after Vick’s TD pass to Fred McCrary, and the Bucs are sailing towards the forbidden island of 0-2.
-The Panthers are a sad, distraught team without Steve Smith. I’m going to start calling him “The Real Stevie Franchise”. Jake Delhomme is 4 of 10 for 54 yards, and the Panthers trail at the Metrodome 6-3. The Panthers better hope Carlos Silva is pitching today.
My friend BKB chimes in with:
“If the ground opened up and swallowed Tuna, Daniel Snyder, Tom Cruise, Jerry, Jimmy, and T.O., I’m cool with that. As long as someone makes sure that ground gets fill back in and covered in concrete. With shitloads of rebar inside of it. Then fashion a johnny flusher out of it and let me be the first to read War and Peace while shitting out my own weight on it.”
1:15 UPDATE
-Rex Grossman is making me eat my words the way his fat ass would eat a box of donuts. He’s thrown his 3rd TD pass of the game, this one to Desmond Clark (the Bears have apparently discovered that they are allowed to play with 11 guys on offense, not 10, utilizing a strange new position called “tight end”), and the Bears are up 24-0 on the Lions.
-“The Candidate” by Urge Overkill has come on my Pandora.com station, and I have almost plotzed. True story. This is now my new favorite song.
-The Saints have tightened things up at Lambeau. Deuce McAlliste’s TD run has made it 13-7, Packers.
-We have our first game that’s reached halftime. Buffalo takes a 3-0 lead into the locker room at Miami. I never thought I’d write this, but I think pretty soon, the chants for Joey Harrington are going to begin.
1:30 UPDATE
-If you had Week 2 in the “When will DeShaun Foster lose his role as Carolina’s feature back?” pool, a winner is you. Foster and his 12 yards on 7 carries have been pointed toward the bench, and DeAngelo Williams has run it in from 3 yards out to give the Panthers a 10-7 lead over Minnesota.
-The Colts lead it 20-3 over Houston at the half. Peyton Manning has thrown for 215 yards and 2 TDs.
-2 more games have hit the halfway point. The Bears are destroying the Lions, 24-0. Rex Grossman is 11 of 15 for 174 yards and 3 TDs. Desmond Clark and Bernard Berrian both have over 70 yards receiving. Christ, it’s almost like they’re a real football team now. They have offensive players scoring touchdowns and everything.
-The Packers bolted to a 13-0 lead over the Saints, but things are back to normal at Lambeau now. Drew Brees’ 26 yard pass to Devery Henderson has put the Saints up 14-13 with under a minute left in the first half. Brees has thrown 26 times already, and has 192 yards passing.
-Baltimore is making easy work of the Raiders, which they should. McNair hit Todd Heap shortly before half to put the Ravens up 16-3. Andrew Walter has replaced Aaron Brooks at QB for the Raiders. Walter is 5 of 9 for 77 yards.
-David Akers has booted a field goal at the end of the first half, and Philly leads at home against the Giants, 17-7. Donovan McNabb is only on pace to throw for 562 yards in this game. LJ Smith has 95 receiving yards at the half. Glad I started Jeremy Shockey and his 0 catches for 0 yards over him this week.
1:45 UPDATE
-Losman has thrown a TD pass to Josh Reed, and the Bills lead at Miami 10-0. Hmm, the Bills came damn close to winning at New England last week, and look to be on their way to winning at Miami this week. Two very strong road showings against division foes. You don’t think? Do you?
-Peyton Manning’s going to be on the sidelines wearing a ball cap any minute now. He’s thrown TD #3, to Bryan Fletcher, and the Colts lead at Houston, 27-3.
-Detroit’s finally got it’s first TD of the year, and it only took them over 6 quarters to do it. Jon Kitna’s 1 yard plunge makes it 24-7 in Chicago. Kitna is 17 of 19 for 181 yards, and the Lions still have only 7 points, go figure that one out.
-The Falcons have a pair of 100 yard rushers, and we’re only halfway thru the 3rd quarter. Warrick Dunn has 122 yards on 15 carries, and Michael Vick has 101 yards on 11 carries. Joey Galloway is also having a big day, with 120 receiving yards, but the Falcons remain in control against the Bucs, 14-3.
2:00 UPDATE
-The Eagles are mauling the Giants. Donovan McNabb’s TD pass to Reggie Brown has put them up 24-7 early in the third quarter.
-My computer is telling me that Panthers DT Maake Kemoeatu has completed a pass for 1 yard. This may be a technical glitch, but if it’s true, this I’ve gotta see. John Kasay’s 2nd field goal of the day has put Carolina up 13-6 over Minnesota. Keyshawn Johnson has 89 yards on 4 catches.
-The Ravens have scored a safety over the Raiders to go up 18-3. If I was a defensive player, and I scored a safety, I would put my hands up over my head to do the safety sign, then do the craziest harem girl dance you’ve ever seen in your life. The dance would take at least 20 minutes. Then I would be set for life.
-Ryan Lindell’s kicked his third field goal, and Buffalo leads 16-0 at Miami. Daunte Culpepper has yet to go over 100 yards passing, and the third quarter is less than a minute from being over.
2:15 UPDATE
-Well, to be honest, this hasn’t been a scintillating NFL afternoon. We’ve got 9 games going on right now, and 7 of them are being decided by more than 10 points.
-There’s 2 games that are close. One is New Orleans at Green Bay. The Saints lead that one 17-13 with a little over 4 minutes left in the third quarter.
-The other is Carolina leading Minnesota 13-6 with 12 minutes left to play. The Panthers have pushed into Viking territory though (Which would put them somewhere in Greenland, I think), and are threatening to go up by at least 10. So that would leave us with one competitive game, between the Packers and Saints, which you could argue, wouldn’t be competitive no matter what the score was.
2:30 UPDATE
-All of these games still suck. Time to preview the late games.
LATE GAME PREVIEW
ST. LOUIS RAMS (1-0)
AT SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (0-1)
VEGAS SAYS
RAMS 23-20
If Week One was any indication, the Niners serve no other purpose this year than to play late games that you don’t feel like watching, then all of a sudden you check the score of your fantasy game, and your 30 point lead has evaporated. Do you know why it’s evaporated? Because your opponent has somebody that was playing the Niners, and he’s gone completely yay-yo against them. So, if you’re playing against, say, Marc Bulger, or Tory Holt this week, look out.
ARIZONA CARDINALS (1-0)
AT SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (1-0)
VEGAS SAYS
SEAHAWKS 27-20
I heard some nonsense on ESPN this morning about this game being the same thing for the Cardinals that the Seahawks’ games against the Rams were last year. As if. The Seahawks are so much better than the Cardinals at this point on the space-time continuum that I don’t know where to begin.
TENNESSEE TITANS (0-1)
AT SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (1-0)
VEGAS SAYS
CHARGERS 24-13
Boy, the schedule makers sure did make amends for that brutal schedule they gave the Chargers this week. I feel like I’m at Costco I see so many big tomato cans lined up.
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (1-0)
AT NY JETS (1-0)
VEGAS SAYS
PATRIOTS 22-16
I find this game intriguing. I smell upset. It’s hard to remember that the Jets actually won a playoff game as recently as the 2004 season after the way they sucked last year, but they did. It’s feasible that last year was just an aberration for them, similar to what we saw in Philly in 2005. If it was an aberration, then from what I’ve seen so far, there’s no reason to believe the Jets can’t challenge for a division title this year.
2:45 UPDATE
-The Vikings made use of a gadget play to tie the Panthers at 13. Kicker Ryan Longwell threw a 16 yard TD pass to Richard Owens. I hate the term “gadget play”. I’ve got a “gadget play”. In my pants.
-Brett Favre’s thrown his 2nd TD pass of the game, this one to Robert Ferguson, and the Packers and Saints are tied at 20 with 12 ½ minutes left. Donald Driver has 142 yards on 7 catches.
-David Car’s thrown a couple of TD passes after his team was already down by a gazillion points. He’s also fumbled 3 times. Not his fault though. Nope. Never has been, never will be.
-Rudi Johnson has rushed for over 100, and Chris Henry has over 100 receiving. The Bengals are easily handling the Browns, 27-10 with 8 minutes remaining.
3:00 UPDATE
-That Colston guy from New Orleans scored his second TD of the year, and the Saints now lead the Packers 27-20. I see this guys mugshot on the computer, and I think to myself that he looks like he’s about 47 years old. Life has not been kind to him.
-Make it 142 yards and 2 TD for Rudi. The Bengals 34-14 over Cleveland.
-The Falcons are leading the Bucs 14-3 just before the 2 minute warning. If this score holds, that means the Bucs have scored a grand total of 3 points in their first 2 games combined. That’s awesome.
-We’ve got our first final of the day! The Bills have beaten Miami 16-6. Daunte Culpepper was sacked 6 times, three by Ryan Denney.
-The Bears have beaten the Lions 34-7. 289 yards and 4 touchdowns for Rex Grossman, 2 of them to tight end John Gilmore. Quick sign John Gilmore on your fantasy team! Now! Now! No, I’m just kidding, for the love of God don’t do that.
-Things have gotten really interesting in Philly as the Giants have come back from a 24-7 deficit to close within 24-21 with 3 ½ minutes left to play. Amani Toomer has 100 yards and 2 TDs. Tiki Barber only 17 yards on 13 carries.
-Deuce McAllister has gotten in for the second time today, this one a 23 yard jaunt. The Saints have opened up a 2 TD lead, 34-20 over the Packers with 7 and change remaining.
-The Vikings have moved into Carolina territory with a little over a minute left in a 13-13 tie.
3:15 UPDATE
-The Giants have stopped the Eagles on third down, and they will get a chance to tie or win the game in the final two minutes. Maybe Jeremy Shockey’s broke ass can manage to catch a football during that time period.
-Carolina and Minnesota are going to OVERTIME.
-Brett Favre now has 325 and 3 TDs. His 6 yard TD pass to Noah Herron pulls the Pack to 34-27 with 4 minutes left at Lambeau.
-Carolina won the toss and starts out with the ball in OT. They’ve already got 3rd and 9, so they’re not doing so hot with it.
-Some early scoring in the late games:
Shaun Alexander has his first TD of the season, and the Seahawks are up 7-0 against the Cardinals.
Arnaz Battle’s 56 yard catch from Alex Smith set up a Joe Nedney FG and the Niners lead 3-0 over the Rams.
-The Eagles just got slapped with a HUGE personal foul penalty that’s going to set up the Giants in field goal range, with 15 seconds remaining and the score 24-21 Eagles.
-And Jay Feely has tied it with a 35 yard field goal. They’ve come back from being down 24-7 and have forced OVERTIME.
-Here come the Packers again. They’ve got it in NO territory with a little over 2 minutes left, down by 7,
3:30 UPDATE
-Everybody’s NFC Super Bowl pick, the Carolina Panthers, are 0-2. Ryan Longwell’s chip shot field goal gives the Vikings a 16-13 OT win.
-Meanwhile, the other overtime game is very much in doubt. The Giants failed to move the ball on their opening possession.
-Over on the West Coast, Darrell Jackson’s already got 113 receiving yards in the 1st quarter. His TD catch puts Seattle up 14-0 on Arizona.
-The Saints are 2-0! And they are also a full 2 games up on both the Bucs and Panthers in the NFC South. They held on to win at Lambeau 34-27. So that’s 2 wins in 2 road games for them. They have to be seen as a playoff contender.
So, I’m calling a close to the early games. It’s naptime. I’ll be back later to give halftime updates on the West Coast games…
7:00 UPDATE
Sorry, I missed the halftime updates. I was playing tonight’s Dallas/Washington game on Madden 07, for the 360. A word on Madden for the 360, if I may. I’m a little disappointed in it, and there is one main reason why. Way, way, way too often, you see ballcarriers do the Matrix thing to tacklers where they simply just pass right thru them. I dunno, for a system I paid 400 dollars for, with high def graphics and der dee dur dee dur, I would hope the least they could do is make sure there are not any players turning into phantasms and passing right thru the torsos of other players. But I counted about 10 times it happened in this game. Disappointing.
While I am at it, CBS Sportsline’s fantasy site is down. That’s bullshit too. They charge a hefty little fee to put your league online, and it only really has to be working 15 days a year, and already it’s been down for one of them. Great-o fantasy site.
So here’s what went down in the late afternoon games.
-2 weeks, 2 unconvincing wins over suspect opposition for the defending NFC Champs. The Seahawks beat the Cardinals at home, 21-10. I guess “workmanlike fashion” would be a kind assessment. Matt Hasselbeck struggled. He completed only 12 of 27 for 221 yards, 1 TD and 2 interceptions. Shaun Alexander carried 26 times, but managed only 89 yards. The defense did a nice job shutting down Arizona’s high powered passing game, but even though the Hawks are 2-0, they aren’t playing like they are the class of the NFC right now.
-One team that isn’t leaving any doubt about how good they are is the San Diego Chargers. They scored another blowout win over a bad team this week, throttling the Titans 40-7. LT rushed for 71 yards and 2 touchdowns, and Michael Turner came on in relief and had 138 yards on 13 carries. Michael Turne’s ass is getting PAID as soon as he can go free agent, yo. I think he could step in right now and be one of the top 5 running backs in the game. Vince Young came on for Kerry Collins, and completed 7 of 19 for 106 yards. He did find Drew Bennett for his first career TD pass though.
-Let me tell you, watch out for the Niners this year. They beat the Rams 20-13 today, and they’re going to get themselves some more W’s before the season is out. They sacked Marc Bulger 6 times. Frank Gore continues to show he’s a big time feature back, getting 127 yards on 29 carries. Even Alex Smith has looked OK. He managed his 22 pass attempts well today. He threw for 233 yards, did not get picked off once, and found Antonio Bryant for 131 yards, and Arnaz Battle for 78 yards.
-The Jay Cutler watch will grow more intense after the Broncos stumbled to a 9-6 home win in OT against the Trent Green-less Chiefs. Plummer was just bad this week, after being blasphemous the week before. Larry Johnson rebounded from a subpar Week 1 to rush for 126 yards for the Chiefs. Damon Huard filled in for Green, and was kept on a tight leash. He showed he can be adequate in this game though, and the Chiefs, although they are 0-2, might be able to win some games with Huard under center if Herm Edwards opens up the playbook a little wider for him.
-Finally, the Jets rallied from a 24-0 deficit, and made a game of it before falling 24-17 at home to New England. Chad Pennington threw for over 300 yards for the second week in a row. In the end though, the Jets’ complete lack of a running game was too much for them to overcome.
So what’ve we got going tonight?
WASHINGTON REDSKINS (0-1)
AT DALLAS COWBOYS (0-1)
VEGAS SAYS
COWBOYS 21-14
The other night we’re watching Monday Night Football, and the girlfriend is like “Why are they the Redskins, does that mean like “Redskin Potatoes”?”. I says to her, “No, but that would be brilliant, they could change their logo to a Potato and make lots of money, and the Native American groups would no longer be offended.” From the mouths of babes.
Anyways, you can bet both of these teams were happy that the Eagles folded like The Flash on laundry day today against the Giants. One of these teams is guaranteed to start 0-2, but at least now, they won’t have a 2 game hole to climb out of in a division that figures to be up for grabs all year. Clinton Portis is doubtful for the Redskins in this game, and that hurts, because the way to beat Dallas is to run it right at them all day long. Can they do that with Ladell Betts and TJ Duckett? I dunno. Probably not.
TUESDAY UPDATE
-Sunday Night, the Redskins offense continued to sputter, and the Cowboys took advantage to cruise to an easy 27-10 victory. Missing Clinton Portis hurts the Redskins a lot, but the Skins are getting exactly what they deserve for not realizing that Mark Brunell’s season in 2005 was a mirage. The backup right now is second year player Jason Campbell, who has virtually zero experience. The Redskins will have to sink or swim with Brunell this year, and they’re already in an 0-2 hole. They have talent everywhere you look at the skill positions, but nobody to get those guys the ball.
-As for the Monday Night tilt, the Steelers had Ben back, but they still looked a lot more like the team that lost 6 regular season games last year, than the team that won 4 postseason ones. Bill Cowher said it better than anybody else, he said the Steelers were not the best team in the league last year, but they did get hot at the right time. If anybody knows the Steelers, it’s Bill Cowher, so who am I to argue with that?
-Charlie Batch threw 3 TD’s against Miami, Ben Roethlisberger pitched a shutout against the Jaguars. Those are just the facts, I’m not saying anything should be read into those 2 games yet, but there you go.
-Meanwhile, let’s give some credit to the Jags. They won this game in the trenches. They ground out 110 rushing yards against the toughest run defense in the league, and they held the Steelers to less than 2 yards a carry. They also have a quarterback and group of receivers who are maturing together. Byron Leftwich threw for 260 yards, and Reggie Williams and Matt Jones combined for 15 catches and 168 yards. The Jags skated by with an easy schedule in 05, but from where I sit here in September 2006, they’re one of the top 5 teams in the league.
That’ll do it for Week 2. Check back this week for my Mid Week Update, where I’ll hand out Game Balls and Sweaty, Smelly Balls. Until then, I hate the White Sox.
