Midweek Pancakes

PANCAKES IN THE AGE OF ENLIGHTENMENT: MIDWEEK UPDATE

As we’re all no doubt aware, tonight is the long awaited premiere of “Grey’s (or is it Gray’s?) Anatomy”. Oh who will our beloved dr. skeletora m.d. choose as her beau? Will it be Ronald Miller? Or the guy who played Robin in the worst Batman movie ever made? How will Dr. Izzy cope with the loss of that guy who spent his dying days trying to score some last poonanny on his deathbed? You can cut the anticipation with a scalpel.

In keeping with the theme of this day, we’ve got some patients who are in critical condition right now. They’ve started out 0-2, and without proper treatment, it will be time to pull the covers over their 2006 season. Time to make our rounds.

CAROLINA PANTHERS
DX- It would be easy to pin the Panthers’ condition on the absence of star WR Steve Smith. But I’m like Gregory House here, so I’m going to throw some scalding chicken soup on this patient and go further. The rushing attack has sputtered, DeShaun Foster hasn’t succeeded in his first year as a feature back. The defense has been awful, they rank 28th in the league, and with the talent they have on that side of the ball, that’s a Chicago White Sox type level of underachievement.

RX- Steve Smith had a career year last year, and the Panthers are kidding themselves if they think he’s the cause of, and solution to, all of their problems. The defense needs to start playing up to their capabilities, and stop giving up 200 rushing yards a game. Didn’t the Panthers throw all kinds of money at Maake Kemoeatu to prevent this type of thing?

PROGNOSIS- The Panthers have 3 very winnable games on tap (at Tampa, home vs. NO and Cleveland) but then they’ve got roadies at Baltimore and Cincinnati, followed by a visit from the Cowboys. They’ve also still got dates left against Philly, the Giants, Pittsburgh, and Atlanta. If their condition does not improve, they’re looking at a 7 or 8 win season.

TAMPA BAY BUCS
DX- Just a lack of talent in the trenches. The Bucs rank DFL in the league in rushing offense, and rushing defense. That’s a recipe for a Houston Texan-esque season.

RX- Bad offensive and defensive lines don’t just all of a sudden start playing good.

PROGNOSIS- I’m afraid this patient is terminal. The Bucs succeeded with smoke and mirrors last year. This year, it’s feasible that they might not get a win until week 9, when the Saints come to Tampa.

TENNESSEE TITANS
DX- A power struggle between the head coach and the team’s personnel department has left a team that is supposed to be rebuilding instead being a rudderless mess.

RX- There is no hope for recovery this year. The defense is awful. So, it’s time to put Vince Young out there for every snap, and hope the experience helps the team compete in 08.

PROGNOSIS- Top 3 draft pick again in 2008.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS
DX- Bad, bad quarterback play.

RX- Unfortunately, there is nobody currently on the Redskins that is ready to step in and be the starter. The Skins need to get Clinton Portis back. Then he and Ladell Betts can run it 40+ times a game, minimizing the damage Mark Brunell can do.

PROGNOSIS- Clinton Portis could be an effective treatment for them. The Skins are also fortunate that nobody else in their division has broke fast out of the gate. There is still hope.

HOUSTON TEXANS
DX- The defense, which the Texans have spent 4 first round picks in the last 3 years on, ranks last in the league.

RX- They must stop spending premium draft picks on defensive players who can’t play.

PROGNOSIS- The improvement on offense is encouraging. This patient may progress from comatose to vegetative.

Uh oh..my beeper is going off. Two interns are having sex in the broom closet, I must go, quickly. I’ll be back later today to finish assessing the rest of the sick patients.

Ok, the doctor is now IN, once again. By the way, “DX” means “diagnosis”, not “Degeneration X”. This has nothing to do with crotch-chopping 40 year old men. Onto the next patient.

MIAMI DOLPHINS
DX- Lots of fingers have been pointed at Daunte Culpepper, and deservedly so. He has 3 INT’s versus only 1 TD. My finger, however, is pointing at Ronnie Brown. He’s averaged only 3.3 yards per carry, and as a result, the Dolphins rank 29th in the league in rushing offense.

RX- The Dolphins need to use Culpepper’s big arm to take some shots downfield, and loosen up the defense. With the ability the Dolphins have to throw deep, Ronnie Brown should be able to run at will. Start putting the fear of the big play back into the opposition, then get back to doing what wins games, running the ball effectively.

PROGNOSIS- 0-2 is a big disappointment, but all Miami needs to do is beat Tennessee and Houston in the next 2 games to get to 2-2. Then they go to New England for a HUGE showdown in Week 5.

GREEN BAY PACKERS
DX- You can blame this on Brett Favre all you want, but the Packers are 8th in passing offense. He’s not why they’re losing. They’re losing because they rank 30th in pass defense after two weeks despite playing the Bears and Saints. Charles Woodson could not cover me, after I’ve killed a pint of Rumpleminze.

RX- Aaron Kampman already has 4 sacks, so you can’t blame the poor pass defense on lack of a pass rush. It’s the DB’s, they suuuuuck. Need big time upgrade thru draft and/or free agency next year.

PROGNOSIS- I look at their schedule and see 2 wins, maybe 3. The Pack will have the #1 pick in next year’s draft.

DETROIT LIONS
DX- Kevin Jones is the Ashley Lelie of running backs. Meaning, I hear every year about how this is his breakout year, then he craps all over himself.

RX- The Lions need to upgrade the offensive line. Kitna’s been sacked 9 times already, and Jones is averagine 3 yards per carry.

PROGNOSIS- They should get a win this week at home against Green Bay. But 2006 still looks grim.

CLEVELAND BROWNS
DX- What do you get when you rank 29th in offense, and 30th in defense? You get suck. Lots of suck.

RX- Time to break out the brown pants.

PROGNOSIS- The Browns still have 5 games remaining against the Ravens, Steelers, and Bengals, so that’s already 7 losses right there. They also have road games at Atlanta, San Diego, and Carolina. So that’s 10. Thanks for playing.

OAKLAND RAIDERS
DX- The Raiders suffer from a fatal inability to keep the opposition from tackling them, thereby impeding their forward progress.

RX- Relegation to NFL Europe.

PROGNOSIS- Lots of concussions for whoever is unfortunate enough to be their quarterback over the next 14 weeks. I changed my mind, the Raiders will have the #1 pick, not the Packers.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
DX- Separation anxiety due to loss of lovey-dovey Dick Vermiel.

RX- Trent Green must convalesce on a farm with Vermiel, ala Seabiscuit and Red Pollard.

PROGNOSIS- Odd as it is to say being that their 0-2, the Chiefs are making progress. Their defense is much improved over last year. The loss of Trent Green has stifled the offense, but shit, they still have Larry Johnson, right? The Chiefs have a murderous schedule, so they’re pretty much screwed as far as making the playoffs go. But Chiefs fans should be happy, because their team is playing tough football, and no longer can be considered the sad bunch of underachieving Nancys that they’ve been for the last 5 years. Give yourself a hug Chiefs fans.

That’ll do it for the midweek update. I’ll kick off Week 3 this weekend with previews of Sunday’s games, then we’ll be tracking the action all day long on Sunday.